


The Sun & Honey Eyes

by serotobin



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-24
Updated: 2020-05-20
Packaged: 2021-03-02 03:19:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 112,350
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23828221
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/serotobin/pseuds/serotobin
Summary: Christen and her team have one more season to win with one team standing in their way.She figures out she can ruin the rivalry teams chemistry on the pitch by using their captain.The problem is, Tobin Heath isn’t who she thought she was.
Relationships: Tobin Heath/Christen Press
Comments: 413
Kudos: 837





	1. The Sun.

**Author's Note:**

> This is the result of being stuck in quarantine and having a lot of time to think and a lot of time to update. It’s a bit long so buckle in if you’d like.

The smell of freshly cut grass is the first thing that lets Christen know she’s safe. The second is the familiar sound of the flagpole reacting to the soft winds at this time every night. The last clue she would usually receive is a soft and annoying pat to the head or stomach from an equally soft and annoying Kelley O’hara, attempting to bring Christen out of her regular post practice meditation sometimes turned slumber.

There’s what seems to be an endless list of ways to physically take care of your body after time on the pitch. Christen has always treated that with the utmost respect knowing if she neglects her duty to her body it will return the favor eventually.

There’s times she wonders how it is that her body can be on a strict regimen, treated as a temple and trained carefully and thoughtfully but her mind can be recklessly abandoned.

A pre game prayer and post game meditation can be the difference between a win and a loss for her, not only physically in the game but in the absolute minefield of her brain.

Knowing she did everything she could to be the best she could be in that moment is the best cure she could ever offer herself.

Although, she’d be lying if she said the exhausting drills they have been running the past two hours wasn’t the main culprit of her current state of consciousness.

“I think you finally killed her.” Ali loudly whispers standing above Christen’s limp body, attempting to grab hold of her arms to bring her up.

Christen allows herself to be helped up by her close friend with a soft chuckle soon followed by a deep groan.

“First of all the drills were her idea and secondly she was just doing her daily Buddha hangout.” Kelley says looking unbothered and thoroughly pleased with herself picking up the last of the equipment surrounding them.

“Can we order pizza when we get back?” Julie speaks half into the grass from where she is laying on her stomach closer to the sideline.

If Kelley’s aggressive mumbling was anything to go by, she’s willing to bet tonight isn’t ending with a hot slice of pizza.

—

When they get back to their shared complex, they agree to meet back on the field tomorrow at noon. Originally Kelley had pitched for much earlier but was quickly turned down unanimously being that tomorrow was Saturday.

Christen follows a grumpy Kelley back to their shared apartment for the past three school years and eventually catches up close enough to softly put a tired arm around her neck while walking.

“Kel, these extra practices before the season starts was meant to make us less stressed.”

Kelley uncomfortably shifts under the barely there weight Christen is offering and starts unlocking the door with her keys. When they get inside Christen doesn’t even expect a response anymore and starts putting their bags away in their hall closet.

“I’m sorry.” It’s said so softly Christen thinks whatever Kelley is feeling she’s probably never felt it before.

“It’s just, this is a lot of our teams last year to play maybe forever and for us it’s like, the start or end of our future that we want with scouts and the national team one day and it’s all just hitting me.”

For the first time in what Christen thinks is their entire friendship, she realizes Kelley is seeking what she usually offers to everyone else after a rough half or a loss that stings.

Kelley has never been one to look for strength or comfort in anyone else, always being the strong one. Always being the voice of reason, the person that will have you remembering how big the world is in relation to the problem you’re facing.

It’s this moment that Christen realizes Kelley may take on the whole world by herself before anybody else wakes up but she doesn’t always want to.

A small smile escapes Christen because she knows what’s coming. She knows the fight she’s about to endure and she knows it’s because Kelley is too stubborn for her own good but she also knows that she needs to win this battle. Needs to do this for her dearest friend since little league. Since tiny neon boots and chasing insects, before the stress of the game was ever introduced to them.

Kelley unfortunately notices the small slip up and has the chance to perceive it entirely wrong.

“It was stupid you’re right, I’m just going to sleep it off and I’ll be back to normal tomorrow.” She starts for her room but is softly grabbed by Christen luckily in time.

“No, that’s not it. That’s not it at all.” Christen hurries out.

“You’re worried about the season, we all are. Brookwall is scary and they’re our opening game and I know how much it means to you that we start the season off strong to give us the best chance to win it all this season, I know this rivalry is a lot for you.” Christen tethers Kelley the best she can with her hands softly on her forearms.

“You’re doing everything you can training wise, and we’re with you and when coach starts our regular practices soon, we’ll be crazy strong, Kel.” Kelley nods at this, her face still very pouty and tense.

Christen removes her right arm from Kelley’s to rub the pad of her thumb between her eyebrows in an attempt to relieve some of the tension. Kelley softens at this, letting a soft exhale leave her mouth and they stand there like that for a minute, Christen running her hands up and down Kelley’s arms in an attempt to comfort and relax her before her next request.

“So, do the only thing that’s left that you can do and relax with me, breathe and sit with me.” Christen softly requests.

Kelley looks like she’s about to nod and agree with her when she suddenly steps back with her mouth wide open in realization of what she’s asking of her.

“You want me to _meditate_ with you?” And Christen laughs at the mere agony in her voice.

“I want you to come sit with me and just relax Kel, it doesn’t have to be anything you don’t want it to be.”

Kelley gives in easier than Christen originally thought, but she still had to bribe her with doing her English essay she has yet to start. The one that’s due Monday leaving Christen to wonder what she was going to do with it originally.

The night ends with Christen making them a soft sitting area on the living room floor facing the open apartment windows overlooking their quietly lit up city, breathing the fresh night air.

“You’ll be okay, I’ll win this alone for us if I have to.” Is the last thing said between them before they both fall asleep.

—

  
  
The sun is softly peeking out behind the clouds, fueling Christen for the training they were previously dreading. A nice breeze has the flags making more noise than usual today, giving the few players a much deserved reward.

The few friends gathered in a stretch circle now bringing them almost to the part where they can shower and fall into their couches for the day.

Kelley is currently back to her antics working on untying Mal’s shoe while Sammy is laid on top of her presumably so she can throw it across the field.

The group's quiet laughter is interrupted when they hear a deep voice from the bleachers.

“Hey, is Julie allowed to come out and play yet?” Zack asks playfully while standing on one of the benches with his hands over his mouth trying to project his voice as if they couldn’t hear him in the first place.

The group scoffs and chuckles and Julie puts her arms out signaling for her boyfriend to come and get her. “We’re finishing up here, do you want to stretch with us?” She asks and he smiles and agrees sweetly, sitting and giving her a kiss on the cheek.

“What’s all this extra practicing for again?” He asks curiously. Zack has always been one of the few boyfriends allowed to visit during practices, knowing he was respectful and always kind. Others distracting their girlfriends or being disruptive with friends, Zack was always different and Christen always took note of it. She also knows he doesn’t do many things just to do them, or ask them.

He’s asking this with a reason, whatever it may be. Probably getting an inkling of the anxiety some of the team exudes or maybe even his girlfriend. Maybe asking to offer advice after or maybe to hear other answers than Julie’s.

“Gearing up for the Brookwall game.” Kelley responds nonchalantly.

“Ah, the Clifford and Brookwall rivalry is still going.” Zack looks thoughtful at this, almost as if Julie hasn’t really mentioned it maybe at all.

“We’ve got them this season, Christen is our captain now and Kelley has been leading us through some of the best training I’ve ever been through.” Comes Julie’s soft input.

Zack smiles softly squeezing her knee in agreement. “I think you guys have it too, watching both of your training sessions honestly you guys are good, I haven’t seen Heath lead her team in all this extra stuff.”

At the mention of the other captain both Christen and Kelley noticeably tense up and make eye contact. While the rest of the girls took that as a compliment Christen only heard the “extra stuff” part. Zeroing in on the fact that she knows Tobin Heath doesn’t lead her team to do pre-season Saturday practices to perform for a game that she’ll probably excel in with barely any effort.

Brookwall has a team that’s built like a perfect robot and Christen has yet to understand _why_. There’s never been any word of strict schedules or rules within the team or a group vegan and steroid diet and yet they gel together perfectly on the pitch.

Christen has been at Clifford for three years with her closest friends, having the perfect opportunity for prime chemistry and they’re good, they’re really good. Yet, Brookwall is the one school they can’t seem to shake up. The rivalry has gone on long before Christen was ever at Clifford, hearing about it from Kelley’s older sister who played for the women’s soccer team as well.

Being the closest school from each other was of course part of it but the smugness that came from Brookwall was unmatched and it always drove the team to play as hard as they could towards them. Physically and strategically.

As the breeze takes Christen out of her current stupor she notices everyone start to get their stuff together. Kelley reaches out from where she’s stood in front of her and helps her onto her feet, smacking her on her butt as she walks by her and gets her own stuff.

Christen is quietly packing her stuff in Ali’s Jeep when she accidentally elbows Kelley in the gut and Kelley’s grunt earns a sharp laugh from the other girls walking to their own cars in the lot.

“Oh god, sorry Kel I didn’t see you.” Christen apologizes trying to sound more remorseful than she may actually be.

“Maybe because you’re always on a different planet.” Comes Kelley’s sarcastic reply rubbing her ribs softly.

Christen puts her hands out to offer Kelley a peace offering of putting her bag in the trunk for her when Kelley starts to let go of it and Christen let’s it drop with a grin.

“You know.” Kelley starts as she bends over and picks up her bag, “You’re not as nice as everyone thinks you are.” She says with a pout. Christen and Ali laugh while helping with the rest of the equipment.

Ali drops them off and gets out to help them with the practice equipment they got from Kelley’s car earlier, kindly helping bring it back.

“Why would Zack even know what they’re up to anyway?” Ali asks while picking up a few of the cones left.

Kelley looks at Ali confused not knowing what she’s referring to when her face starts to show realization she responds while closing her trunk.

“Oh, he has a lot of friends over there.”

Ali freezes at this.

And boy has Christen seen this face before. Ali has always been clever and one of the smartest people she’s ever met. She was always the first one to become adept to something the others are trying to figure out. Ali looks like she just solved world hunger and Christen is mildly concerned because of the question that sent her there.

“You look like you’re going to shit your pants, are you good?” Kelley asks half serious with her hands cautiously held up.

“What are we doing killing ourselves like this when Zack can just ask his friends there what they know about the team? Surely his friends have friends who play on the team. They have to know something. Maybe even just like-“

“What the hell are you even talking about?” Kelley interrupts like it’s the worst thing Ali has ever suggested. Which, to be fair may be true.

“What could we possibly even gain from knowing anything about their training when we know that’s not why they do so well, it’s their dynamic and it’s their schools money.”

“But what if it’s not?” Ali challenges fiercely.

“Look all I’m saying is even if we could sabotage their team dynamic a little before this game we can start this season off really well and they can start to crumble. What if there’s some juice there? What if one of them hooked up with another one's boyfriend or girlfriend or something? What if Heath is secretly sleeping with like 6 of them at the same time.”

Christen’s eyebrows have shot well above her hairline at this point. She looks to Kelley to try to understand if Ali was maybe hit with a ball today but is put in place by the look on Kelley’s face. Kelley looks like she’s trying to disprove the laws of gravity when Christen finally speaks up.

“You can’t seriously be thinking this is a good idea.” She asks exasperated.

“Think about it though Christen, there has to be something there. It would tear them apart for like at least one game, one scandal is all it takes.” Kelley is laughing frustratingly at this point like she can’t believe she’s never thought of it.

“You want to ruin their _friendships_ for a game..”

Both Kelley and Ali look at her for this. Christen sinks into herself and realizes what she said didn’t exactly correlate with what she feels but it’s already too late and she knows it’s rubbed them both the wrong way. So she tries to save herself.

“I’m the captain of this team. I have a lot to prove this season and a lot is on the line for me. Nobody has more in this game than I do so you both better stop looking at me like that, this game is important to me, I just don’t know if it’s worth being a bad person, is that so horrible?” She softly says the last part trying to convey what she feels to her friends. These people should know her best and they’re looking at her as if she doesn’t care about them.

Kelley sighs out her frustration and looks up and Christen can physically see the stress radiating off of her.

The amount of pressure Christen feels right now is almost unbearable.

Ali visibly lets it go at Christen’s admission and slowly walks over to hug her.

“I know it’s important to you too, I’m sorry. Let’s just forget it” she says and to her credit she looks like she absolutely would do just that.

Ali says her goodbyes to both of them with kisses to their cheeks and a soft second apology in Christen’s right ear that she gladly accepts. Christen walks behind a frustrated Kelley again and this is becoming a habit and she hates it. She hates that her goofy friend has turned into a ball of stress and she just wants to fix it all for her. She just wants to make this year the year Kelley wants after everything she’s done for her.

Christen knows Kelley is under a lot of pressure. She knows that and even with this golden egg dangled in front of her today she knows that Kelley will still open the door and set her keys down and apologize and hug Christen and order her favorite pizza from her favorite place.

That’s who Kelley is and has always been, she’s never fought with her, she’s never been angry with her, and the closest they ever were, Kelley would always be the one to compromise before it ever got there. She’s her rock and Christen just wants to be the same for her now.

Kelley _does_ set her keys down and she does softly apologize and then she laughs and starts talking about how ridiculous it was anyway and how she’s never letting soccer make her this stressed again. She hugs Christen and she lifts her up a little and squeezes her and wiggles her around making her laugh and then does something Christen never thought would happen.

She opens their windows and she sits on the window sill and she closes her eyes and Christen has never been so certain of anything as she is in this moment watching Kelley resort to meditation of her own free will.

Christen already has her phone out before she knows what she’s doing.

She’s texting Zack to call her later.

Christen is going to tear Brookwall apart.


	2. The Moon.

Christen learns a lot this week.

She learns that JJ hasn’t been vocal about the rivalry game stress with Zack because it’s been weighing harder on her than she’d like to admit.

The thing is, this is also Julie’s last year here.

She also learns that Kelley is using breathing techniques from YouTube to relax throughout her day and it’s been beneficial to her training.

She doesn’t mention it because she knows Kelley is stubborn and will never admit anything and also because she fears Kelley will take a step back if she knows she’s been caught.

She lets her be, and everything goes back to normal. Kelley is still her chaotic self in her classes and she still makes really weird food combinations and screams in everyone’s ears like they paid for it. She doesn’t let Kelley know that she gave Zack the go ahead and she definitely doesn’t let her know that Zack got back to her. 

She does however keep Ali in the loop, knowing she needs brains outside of just hers working on this.

They meet at the diner across campus and sit at their favorite table. They used to come here when they were younger, dreaming about what it would be like to get into Clifford and get picked up to play for the NWSL and eventually the national team. All of the waitresses know them and their orders and it’s quiet and the scenery is as pretty as Christen remembers with the soft lighting in the diner and the smell of the best fries in the world.

She’s hit with the sudden realization that her life is a moving train and she feels like she’s not always quite on it. Sometimes just watching it go.

“This is crazy, look.” Ali says and points to the wall above their table where they all carved their initials and jersey numbers into the wall.

“ _CP23_ ” Christen says carefully tracing it.

JJ smiles and reaches out for her. “Look at you now, captain for Clifford FC.” she says, making them all chuckle softly.

“Ok Jules, I want the good stuff, give it to me.” Ali says rubbing her hands together looking as devious as she sounds.

JJ relays the information Zack has given her and it’s wildly underwhelming. Christen learns that the team has great chemistry much like Clifford because they’re all good friends, Heath and Alex Morgan growing up together, Emily Sonnett and Lindsey Horan living together, rumors that they could be dating but nothing they can really use. Regular practice, their coach is stern but allows their captain to control most of the teams schedules and regulations, which could be exactly why there doesn’t seem to be any.

“There is this one rule though ever since Heath got there.” JJ continues and Christen almost misses it thinking about how she’s disappointed about not being successful in something she didn’t even want to be doing anyway.

“Outside of established relationships, when the practices start for the season they don’t date.” Ali scrunches her eyebrows at that in thought.

“Like they don’t have flings or.. hook up or anything during the season either?” She asks.

JJ nods, taking a sip of her iced tea. “Yeah, it’s a no distractions rule. Zack said it’s widely known from the guys soccer team because they have to hear it all the time from the girls they try to hook up with.” She snorts.

Christen isn’t exactly shocked at the news. It makes sense. She wishes she made it a rule here sometimes the way she watches girls ruin their games and even their seasons because the flings they got into during the off season wouldn’t make it when it started back up. The drama that ensues can be comical but it’s mostly disheartening, watching them a lot of times break their hearts and feel helpless to it all.

It’s a full time commitment trying to pursue becoming a professional athlete. Not only during the season but off as well, the extra time from not having to be physically at a game or practicing when they don’t choose is what makes room for the attempted relationships. The heavy feeling of needing to find the love of your life at this age is overwhelming and for athletes, feels impossible. 

Christen has seen a lot of breakups especially in the beginning of the season when they finally realize what this life requires from their partners. She’s also seen it hurt families, their kids choosing colleges better scouted that are further away, lifelong friends losing connection from the distance.

She knows she’s felt it herself. Feeling the loss of all of those things at least once for the lifestyle she loves. She thinks of Kelley and the girl she once knew that she was dating. Kelley claimed she was going to marry her one day her sophomore year of high school, being too young Christen always laughed but they made it until her first year at Clifford.

Only watching it crumble apart when the girl probably realized the sport Kelley loved only became more intense and demanding of her as time would go on.

Christen briefly wonders if the Brookwall captain had a similar experience if she implemented the rule herself.

Christen is on the same path Kelley took when she was thinking about what Ali said at the car. when Ali looks at her with the same look and something cracks.

Something cracks in this diner that they grew up in and wrote their numbers and only dreamed of where they are now. She wants to do it again, she wants to dream of the NWSL and come back and think back to this day where she figured it all out. How to have the perfect season, how to be looked at by the best of the best. How to help her friends she’s had since she was so young she couldn’t even spell championship.

JJ is absolutely oblivious to Christen and Ali’s brain battle.

Christen is about to say she knows what they should do. They should have the team turn on their captain by making the rule seem completely unfair and selfish. She knows firsthand when the team is upset with their captain, the drama that breaks off into sides between them is like a war zone.

Then Ali speaks before she does and Christen is frozen, the suggestion is so outrageous she almost crawls out of her own body and walks out without it.

“We find someone to use Heath.”

And it’s not good.

“The entire team will be so pissed at her for making them suffer when she’s doing exactly what she made them give up. We can even get someone to make her more into it than usual and they can ruin her game that way too, we can get her to break up with her before one of the two games or something. I mean she put that rule in place for a reason, it can be a whole season thing, play her hot and cold until the final, of all people Heath probably deserves it the most.” Ali lets out a scoff.

It’s not good _at all._

  
  
—  
  


Christen doesn’t remember the first time she ever saw Tobin Heath. Playing soccer most of her life in the same state as Tobin, she imagines it must have been on a freshly cut soccer field in little league. Chasing butterflies while she’s sure Tobin was hugging a ball somewhere trying to show anybody who would give her the time of day her tricks.

They grew up going to some of the same places in the city and knowing a lot of the same people. She saw her on her friends social media posts and she heard about her like she was a legend a lot of times when she’d play soccer for clubs growing up.

She doesn’t remember the first time her eyes ever fell on Tobin Heath, but she definitely remembers the first time she _really_ looked at her.

A few days after the diner Christen finds herself feeling almost like she’s trying to crawl out of her own skin. She feels deep into something she doesn’t know how to get out of and she doesn’t know how to say no.

So she’s sat here in her car in the Brookwall parking lot for students and she is absolutely not a student. Yet she brings her backpack like she is anyway and hopes that none of the people she knows are out right now and she goes to their soccer area.

It’s amazing really, at all times of the day she could have come and all days of the week she went when she was actually there. At least she thinks it’s amazing, but really she has a feeling after watching her for all of five seconds that it would be hard to choose a time when she isn’t here.

So Christen stands there in the opening of the small stadium and she leans against the wall mostly covered by the corner. She doesn’t really understand how she didn’t notice before but Tobin Heath is kind of great with her feet. Not so much that part but the way she looks while she does it. Her footwork is beautiful but her legs are sweaty and it’s not even that hot out and Christen can’t even comprehend how long she’s been at this if she’s sweating like this.

Her leg muscles are well defined and the glistening is making it a lot easier to see and Christen wonders if she does a leg day outside of work with the ball. If she does a lot of running and what Christen can do to gain muscle like that because she’s played for just as long.

She notices her baby hairs are everywhere and Christen wonders if she just threw her hair up like that and it ended up perfectly distributed or if she sat in the mirror and did it like Christen does.

“There you are, Toby.”

Her thoughts are interrupted when she hears a whiny childlike voice drag the name out like a toddler asking for ice cream from the other side of the field and a blonde girl starts walking towards Christen’s current muse.

Said muse juggles the ball a few more times before she lets it down and softly and slowly starts kicking it over to the blonde who’s arms are tangling around her neck and into her chestnut hair and Christen wonders what it feels like.

She knows this girl isn’t her girlfriend, isn’t anything remotely serious. She does have ears, they have grown up in the same sport around the same place, she knows how girls talk about the other girl.

She turns around and walks back to her car thinking about how she’s never really noticed the girl the way she has today. She briefly wonders if the girl has ever noticed her enough to even recognize her face with her name in public or if she’d look at her and offhandedly think she saw her before.

She briefly recognized that she thinks that way because she’s noticed that the girl has never really noticed her before. Never said hi to her when talking to her teammates after a game and never speaking directly to her when she’s in the same circle of people at a party, even though they’ve historically known each other longer she’s sure.

Then she realizes that she’s always felt her presence. She never let herself look enough and maybe some of it is a little jealousy of having an easier life of money and effortless skill that Christen had to work harder for.

Christen realizes today that she never let herself look because she was too aware that the girl never took a second to look at her.  
  
  


—

She’s greeted at her apartment by the sound of Kelley’s terrible singing and the smell of roasted potatoes and chicken cutlets. Kelley doesn’t cook often but Christen knows this meal. This is the only meal Kelley really knows how to make outside of cereal and the microwave kind. Her one and only home cooked meal she picked up from her mother, after years of trying to teach her how to cook.

It’s now become a staple in the apartment when Kelley invites their team over for a family night and is followed by laughter and drinks. The comfort of knowing that this team is the one they have is like no other, knowing they get to finish this chapter of their lives with each other.

The moments Christen lets herself breathe it all in she knows she’d never want to be with another team. This is her second family and there’s not a thing she wouldn’t do to keep this feeling going for the season.

Some of the girls are playing Mario Kart in the living room while some are in the kitchen laughing at Kelley’s god awful screeching. She greets them all separately asking about how they’re feeling about practices starting in a couple weeks, asking about what training they’re doing at the moment and how they’re staying fit.

Rose mentions wanting to come to the training Kelley leads in hopes of their lineup being even tighter this season and Christen couldn’t be happier to invite her.

They’re all laughing around dinner when Kelley shows everyone the dance she swore her and Sammy created even though Christen’s pretty sure it existed before today.

Ali is cuddled up with Ashlyn on the couch when she goes over to hug them both, pretending to want to sit on both of their laps. Ashlyn laughs and welcomes her anyway while Ali pushes her away playfully swatting her. Christen takes her favorite seat on the window sill feeling the fresh air the evening is offering.

Ashlyn eventually leaves in favor of the pudding pie Mal and Rose were screaming about in the kitchen. Leaving Ali to finally ask Christen what she knows she’s been dying to ask since she walked in. They both agreed that the only people that should know about their possible operation are the three girls already involved, Zack not even knowing there’s a plan conceived from the information he gave to his girlfriend.

“Any news?” She asks softly. There’s a hint of hopefulness in her tone that Christen doesn’t miss but she knows Ali won’t pressure her anymore, finally realizing Christen is maybe not as on board as she initially thought.

“I went to see her today.”

She’s sure there’s a look of sadness on her face and Ali doesn’t question it, waiting for her to continue at her own pace.

“This won’t work. It can’t. She has too many girls around, Ali.” She continues why it practically won’t work as if it being morally wrong isn’t even a factor.

“If nobody has yet, why would anybody we send to her make her want to keep them around when practice starts?”

Ali looks thoughtfully at her with this.

Probably knowing Christen is right, if she’s done three seasons without a distraction now why would her more important scouting year be the one she lets her guard down. 

Christen hates that she’s thought of this as a challenge to get the girls attention. She feels like she can do this. She can do this for them. She’s also thinking of the inevitable hit to the ego it’ll be and the embarrassment for the rest of her life if the girl isn’t interested in her at all. Especially interested enough to keep her there for a long period of time.

Christen thinks what if it did work though, she knows she’s pretty and knows how to use it when she wants. Christen thinks of pretending to like boys in high school to get into their practices to prove she can play with them and the looks on their faces after.

Christen thinks of the satisfaction of the girl going from barely noticing her presence to possibly not being able to shake her from her mind.

Ali interrupts her thoughts with a loud exhale. “You’re right.” She laughs.

And she shouldn’t, she really shouldn’t but Christen takes this as a challenge even though it was her that said it wouldn’t work.

“I can do it.”

Ali looks up at her with a full toothed grin and she knows she’s not taking her seriously. And she shouldn’t do this either, but she takes that as a second challenge. She knows Ali didn’t mean it that way but she can’t help but feel a little heat bubble up in her belly and Ali notices the seriousness in her face.

“Chrissy, that’s literally insane why would we risk your season or your feelings for that?” Her harshly whispered response feels like a match to Christen.

“What do you mean, _my_ feelings?” She lets out between lightly gritted teeth.

“Christen, that’s not what I mean. She wouldn’t reject you.”

And Christen is taken back by this, because she doesn’t even know that. She’s also thinking of what else Ali could mean by it when Ashlyn starts walking back to them with questioning eyes.

Christen gets up and walks to her room for the night and nobody asks why. They know she handles things in her own ways, meditation and the quiet. Knowing whatever it is, if it’s not just exhaustion will be worked out by tomorrow morning.

Kelley knocks on her door anyway and let’s her know she saved pie for her when she wants it. Saying she’ll even slide it under the door even though she knows it’s not possible. Moving on to say she’ll climb the fire escape to get it to her window, effectively making Christen let out a light exhale through her nose before succumbing to a fitful sleep.

  
  
—

Christen doesn’t know where the overwhelming confidence comes from the next day.

She just knows she has it.

So she goes to training after classes and she gets through her day with one thing on her mind. She’s going to do this.

So she calls Ali and tells her, Ali not liking the idea anymore but allowing it considering it’ll get them what they so desperately want this season.

The plan is in motion and Christen is feeling all types of emotions. She feels a similar surge of smugness she got from when she was younger and would beg her mom to let her have something until she got it.

She feels a little anxious about the possibility of it not going well, but she thinks she’s been told her whole life how she looks like a Disney Princess and she thinks she’s a hell of a player and she loves a challenge and she can do it.

She spends the night at JJ’s shared apartment with Crystal, laughing and eating entirely too many peach rings, something she’s sure Kelley would want to strangle her for. Crystal eventually goes to bed and leaves the two friends to quietly reminisce on their high school days and where they are now. Ali and Christen have always had a different type of friendship and JJ is well aware of it, so aware of it that she invited said friend and Christen expected this.

Well, she did when she heard the door open anyway.

JJ of course slyly exits the room with a soft goodnight and a shy smile and Christen couldn’t imagine being upset with her over it. She knows why she did it and she knows it needed to be done. She’s thankful if anything.

Ali sits on the floor where JJ was, Christen still sat criss cross applesauce, her elbow resting on the couch cushion allowing her to hold up her sleepy head.

She gives Ali a soft smile and knows she can say all she has to say to her dearest friend with her eyes.

_I’m sorry for getting upset._

In Ali’s eyes an apology is gleaming right back. They fall asleep talking about ways to start the journey into the other soccer captains head and Ali gives her tips and tricks she can use as Christen waves her off but absorbs it anyway.

  
  


The plan was to see her this Friday at the district fundraiser they have every year.

Christen had an outfit picked out, something she knows the other athlete would have liked, jeans tight in all the right places. She had her air forces ready knowing the other girl appreciated shoes and wanted a good start to the conversation.

She had a game plan.

The thing is, nothing ever really goes to plan does it.

So Christen finds herself at the grocery store about an eight minute drive from campus getting a few things after an exhausting training. It’s Wednesday so she knows she doesn’t need to get bananas because Kelley doesn’t have another morning class until Friday and she’ll get them Sunday so they don’t brown.

She’s busy thinking of how many of her coffee greek yogurt drinks are missing and how many she can get without them going bad. She barely notices the figure to the left in her aisle when she’s walking with her eyes closed trying to remember the mental picture of the fridge with her fingers rubbing her temples.

After Christen gets to the register and pays, she’s on her way to the car with the bags when she opens her trunk. She uses her knees to help keep everything in, never one to opt for a cart because of all of the germs that she’ll think about during her trip. She’s almost done when the jar of peanut butter falls and softly rolls once behind her and it’s only a small step away so it’s not urgent. She finishes packing up and when she turns around to get it, she sees her bending down.

The first thing Christen notices is she’s wearing a soft looking blue beanie and dark joggers, looking effectively bundled. It’s a breezy evening now that the sun has set as expected, the exact reason why she’s wearing a hoodie and sweatpants herself.

And that’s how it hits her.

She’s standing in front of the girl she’s meant to be seducing in two days wearing an oversized Clifford hoodie with a pizza stain on the side from Kelley’s hand and her hair is carelessly thrown up after her post training shower.

She’s absolutely cursing everything that ever brought her here when she realizes the girl is now holding the peanut butter out to her with her eyebrows slightly scrunched in thought. Probably trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with her.

Christen quickly recovers and mumbles a soft thank you with no eye contact and then with her best effort to look distracted and uninterested, turns to shut the trunk and walk to her door.

When she gets in the car, she slyly looks into her rear view mirror and sees the girl get into her truck and drive away before her.

For the first time she can remember, she hopes the other girl didn’t really look at her.


	3. Scared of Rain.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kelley scares children and Christen finds some warmth.

Friday moves quickly after a lot of school work and training and Christen is tired but restless. It’s the time of year where the days are hot but the nights drop so low they don’t even want their windows open after 8 PM sometimes.

Christen is getting her jacket on when she realizes how late she is.

“Kelley, we have to leave you better be ready.” She shouts outside of her room hoping if Kelley isn’t ready she’s hurrying now.

“I’m always ready pressy.” She hears back and shakes her head. It doesn’t take Kelley any time to get ready for most things. She's usually a do you want to go right now type of person and Christen has never appreciated it as much as she does now.

“You should wear a hoodie instead of a jacket, we need to wear our jerseys over whatever we have on for the kids so they know who we are.” Kelley says with a mouthful of food.

Hopefully not Christen’s veggie straws.

She hears the bag several seconds later. It is in fact her veggie straws.

“Kelley, I am begging you to stop eating my food. I just had to go shopping Wednesday because you ate all of my snacks.” She chides over her shoulder looking for her jersey.

Kelley looks mock offended and asks Christen if they can stop at the store on the way home for chalk so she can separate their respective halves of the house and Christen huffs.

When they get there she sees their coach and the rest of their team. There’s a lit up small soccer field down the hill they all start to walk towards after talking to kids and their parents about the programs they have.

Every year they raise money for programs in their district so they can help kids who have less help financially play to the best of their ability. Christen loves being part of it every year and she loves that every school comes together to help around them.

When they get down to the soccer field, there’s less kids than she’s used to in this year's game. She knows she missed the first game because she was late to come down to the field, not having to help yet.

The kids range from 9-13 for this game and being the older of the two groups, they go last and Christen is as excited as she’s ever been because this is the group that really absorbs what she teaches them.

She realizes she left her jacket on earlier and never brought a hoodie so she could stay warm with her jersey on, but she’ll tough it out.

She takes her jacket off and Kelley gapes at her with an _I told you to bring a hoodie_ face and rolls her eyes. She shrugs, giving all the kids with the pink pinnies high fives waiting for the other group of kids.

Except she forgot this part didn’t she.

The Brookwall captain is coaching the other team for this age group and Christen wasn’t prepared for this. She was prepared to see her after the charity game by the carnival games they offer in front when all the players hang out later.

She’s still turned around but Christen can see the white number 17 burning into her eyes, kneeling down to put an orange pinnie on one of the 9 year olds.

Kelley and Crystal are explaining defensive plays to the pink team while Christen is running a quick drill with her little forwards letting them kick the balls into the net while she does a terrible job being a goalkeeper. Mostly because she wants them to feel good but partly because she can’t stop looking at the other coach across the pitch.

Tobin is currently letting a younger girl try to nutmeg her running around the field while everyone else is doing drills and Christen can’t take her eyes off of her.

It’s not the actual scenario that makes Christen want to watch but it’s the smile that’s on the captains face. Full set of teeth with eye crinkles and Christen doesn’t think she’s ever seen a smile that big in her life.

Ali kicks a ball instead of the kids now to bring Christen back to planet earth and it hits her square in the ribs when the rest of the Clifford girls throw _oohs_ the children can’t stop laughing.

“What the hell, Ali.” she aggressively grits through her fake smile to save the kids from her language. Ali laughs and gives her a quick half hug bringing her to the sideline to start getting the kids ready.

“Game time Chrissy.”

The coaches and players and refs (that are actually parents) get in a quick handshake line before the game starts and they all high five each of the kids behind the line. Good sportsmanship and all that.

When Christen gets to the end of her line she pats the little girl on the head that jumps to high five her and says a quiet “you got this” to her before looking up to meet the next eyes.

The girl puts out her hand for a real handshake and Christen dutifully takes it into her own.

Her hand is warm, almost hot to the touch and Christen wonders how that’s possible in the current temperature. She thinks maybe she had hand warmers that she can’t see in her pockets. She vaguely remembers now that she has to be nonchalant about this and that longing starring probably won’t help her.

Christen is the first to let go and she takes the lead now.

“Good luck, Heath.” She says before turning to walk away when she hears the soft deep voice call out to her.

“It’s Tobin, you know. You can call me Tobin.” And she can hear the smirk in the voice behind her.

Christen turns around barely and gives her a full smile that meets her eyes and shrugs.

“I like your last name better.”

With that she jogs off to the pink team and sneaks her way into the huddle and thanks God that nobody can hear her heartbeat outside.

“WHAT WAS THAT, ARE YOU KIDDING ME?”

Christen sharply turns to Kelley and nudges her with an index finger on her lips to promptly shush her considering this is a kids scrimmage.

“Will you relax? What did you eat for breakfast, a bowl of steroids?” Christen chides.

Kelley puts her hands on Christen’s shoulders and moves her to the right to face one of the parents in a white pinnie and she effectively points to the man.

“ _He’s_.” She starts before a dramatic pause and another point. “The parent of that kid right there.” She continues. “And he has called _two_ dumb fouls for him.”

Christen laughs at this with her head fully back and puts her arm around Kelley assuring her it’ll all be okay.

Kelley pouts and playfully shoves her off continuing to scream at the kids like it’s the World Cup. Christen turns her head to the left still smiling and meets Tobin’s eyes already looking towards her and she wonders what she’s thinking. Probably wondering why Kelley is an absolute psychopath, something they’ve all wondered at one point.

Tobin looks tense like her team is going to have PTSD after this game if Kelley continues to show the veins in her neck and she doesn’t look too entertained by it. Christen wonders if Tobin is bad at having fun. She wonders what Tobin is like off the field and remembers that it’s her job now to find out. So she looks back at Tobin to see if she’s still looking so she can give her her best smirk and flirty eyes she can offer but when she looks, Tobin’s team has her full attention again. Christen won’t mess that up next time.

The game ends in an orange win and all the kids are happy regardless with their gushers and kool aid jammers brought by their parents.

The saddest kid would be Kelley who takes some “me time” to shoot the basketball at the carnival games above the field. Christen finds it funny but she also hopes Kelley wins a stuffed penguin so it takes some of the edge off.

Christen finds Tobin juggling and doing tricks with kids from both teams that stayed after the game by the far goal and she waits for them to be done so she doesn’t interrupt.

Tobin is packing up her gear alone when Christen finally gets to her and brings a kool aid jammer she stole from Mal, watching her hoard about 4 or 5 of them in her hoodie pocket.

“Good game.” She smiles and holds out the blue drink for the girl waiting for her to turn around.

When she does Christen isn’t fully ready for the eyes that meet hers. The lights of the field are lighting up her eyes perfectly and she didn’t quite realize how pretty they were until now.

The thought that she likes her coffee around this color crosses her mind when eyelashes take her out of her train of thought.

“Thank you, actually I have something for you too.” She says digging into her bag and bringing out a soft black windbreaker with fleece material on the inside out with the letters BWU on it.

Christen looks at her confused when Tobin puts it into her hands and trades off for the blue drink. “You don’t have a jacket.” She offers with her eyebrows furrowed.

Christen wants to say she does actually, it’s with Kelley’s stuff. She just didn’t bring something under her jersey during the game, but she doesn’t say that. She remembers that this is exactly what she needs, to wear Tobin’s jacket tonight and to need another reason to see her again tomorrow while she’s fresh in her mind. So she accepts it with a small smile and thinks about how other girls react when Tobin gives them her jackets.

“Are you sure? I really appreciate it, I’ll give it back before I leave.” Knowing Tobin’s reply is going to be to not worry about it she hurries through the next lie. The first of many she assumes.

“I didn’t realize it was going to be this cold.” She says while pulling it over her head and the way Tobin’s eyes roam over the girl in her jacket is worth every lie she is going to tell.

“Thank you for the drink.” Tobin responds quickly, packing her stuff back up and starting to walk away while throwing a see you later past her shoulder exiting the pitch.

Christen is left dumbfounded.

She has a feeling this is going to be more work than just some fuck me eyes and she can’t help but feel a little insulted by it.

Later as the night goes on, all of the kids are gone and all that’s left are the players that stuck around, their team staff even leaving them being made fun of for having a bedtime.

Kelley is in the middle of explaining why basketball is rigged to a messy haired blonde that looks entirely disinterested and entertained at the same time. She learns the girl's name is Emily Sonnett and she goes by Sonny and she’s apparently the chaotic equivalent to the Brookwall version of Kelley.

Christen reasons, maybe every school needs one.

She’s sitting on the counter of an abandoned carnival game with Ali when JJ shows up with a baby penguin and a shit eating grin on her face. Momentarily pausing to look over Christen’s jacket with a knowing eyebrow lift and good for you head nod.

“And what did you play to win that?” Ali‘s question comes dripping with sarcasm and swiftly moves the attention from the obvious new article of clothing.

“Nothing. Actually, I wasted ten bucks and Zack eventually gave him another ten to just give it to me.” She shrugs.

Christen can’t help the laugh that escapes her over her friend's antics.

“Do you think Kelley won one yet?”

“I think Kelley is too busy blowing through her college funds to try and beat Heath at that stupid milk jug toss game.”

Ali and Christen both look at each other at that and they know that probably isn’t as innocent as JJ thinks it is.

The trio head over to the game in question and sure enough Kelley looks like she may strangle a human being tonight.

Tobin looks about as smug as Christen expected she would with her arms crossed and is being asked by the tired guy what she’d like as her prize when Kelley interrupts to say one more game.

Tobin laughs at this and Kelley has her hand out for the balls when Christen comes to rest her hand on her lower back not to startle her and softly asks if she can try, in hopes to make this last one less of a hit to her ego so Kelley can leave happier.

Kelley sighs happily and sleepily at the sight of her friend and nods her head handing Christen half the balls to throw knowing after this they’ll probably all go home.

Kelley steps back behind her and Christen feels like she wants to crawl out of her skin at the feeling of eyes on her.

She forgot she was wearing it at this point to be honest, too focused on hitting these stupid jugs and winning Kelley a stuffed penguin.

“Whose jacket is that?” She hears Kelley softly question behind her, mostly confused probably because she has Christen’s jacket in her own bag.

Christen pretends not to hear her when she throws the first ball and knocks the top one down.

She has one more ball to knock the other five down.

She wants so badly to look at Tobin behind her but she knows she can’t because everyone is looking at her. She wonders what she thinks of the question, if she’s embarrassed because it’s Kelley who’s asking or if she doesn’t care at all.

Christen throws her last ball distractedly and misses the entire thing and immediately hears Ali, Kelley and JJ laughing so hard they might pee because of how far off she was.

She looks back at Tobin with a show of surrender with her hands up and then she walks towards Ali to push her into JJ.

Tobin looks back at her and her face has visibly softened since she got here. Her hand taking place on the back of her neck looking shy as she’s ever seen her.

She thinks it’s taking some effort for Tobin to bite her lip at how bad the throw was.

Christen appreciates the effort.  
  


The night is wrapping up when everybody is tired from the week they’ve had, all walking to their cars and saying their last goodbyes.

Christen is walking in the back of all of the rowdy groups of friends trying to stay warm with her nose turning into the neckline of the pullover.

She inhales and she doesn’t know how she missed it all night but the faint smell of what she imagines is Tobin’s cologne is still barely there.

Christen is eager to savor the scent and she wonders if Tobin smells this good all the time or if it’s just tonight.

She wouldn’t really know, not having many opportunities to be close to the other girl yet.

As if on cue Tobin appears waiting against the front of her truck in the lot when Christen reaches the opening of the gate.

She looks over at Ali and sees that she’s wrapped up in Ashlyn saying their goodbyes while Kelley is making a group of girls laugh towards another car.

Christen meets Tobin’s eyes as she walks towards the truck and shyly smiles starting to take her hands out of the pockets of the jacket to slide it over her head before she leaves.

She thinks she wouldn’t know how to use it as an excuse to see her again anyway. Bringing it home may just remind her friends to talk about it and honestly Christen feels too exhausted tonight to go through it.

When Tobin realizes what she’s doing she puts her hand out on Christen’s forearm gently and nods her head.

“Keep it for the drive home.” She says softly. “It’s not like I don’t see you around all the time.” She continues.

And Christen meets her eyes again at this, feeling too tired to think too much into it or to put together a good response, she just nods her head and puts her hands back into the warm pockets.

“You missed that throw on purpose.” Tobin states. It’s not a question and Christen is surprised at how perceptive this girl can be. Which may be a charming quality in a person normally but not in this case.

Not for Christen.

For Christen that means she has to be more mindful of her body language with Tobin.

So she plays it the only way she thinks she can without feeling exposed.

“I did.” She agrees honestly as she looks to her right watching Ali finally let go of Ashlyn’s hand as she walks to her own car.

Tobin‘s response is a noncommittal hum.

“Can I ask you something?” It sounds like almost an afterthought as Christen of course nods as she gives the girl her full attention not knowing where she’s going at all.

“How does your relationship with Kelley not distract your playing? I mean there’s no way you guys don’t fight, she’s-“ Tobin trails off as Christen gives her a look.

“Kelley.” She settles on with a dramatic shrug.

Kelley and Tobin have a similar history as Christen and Tobin, playing the same clubs and surrounding schools growing up but not really being friends.

The difference being when Kelley and her ex couldn’t make it work anymore and agreed to split before her first year at Clifford, she heard a few months later she had sex with Tobin at a party.

They never talked about it, any of them.

But they knew there was an extra incentive there for Kelley when the rivalry games were played and sometimes the loss felt like more than it really was.

“I don’t think I understand the question..” Christen shrugs. “Surely you have friends on your team as close as Kelley and I..” she continues as Tobin furrows her eyebrows at the ground.

“Friends..? You guys aren’t..?”

It clicks then for Christen. Tobin thinks she’s dating Kelley and maybe a lot more would click into place for her if she wasn’t so tired and she’s sure she can make sense of it all tomorrow but for now she just laughs into her hands tiredly and shakes her head.

“Kelley and I aren’t dating.”

Tobin looks like her entire life has been a lie with closed eyes and her right hand on her forehead like she’s trying to decode a bomb.

“Oh.” Comes the underwhelming response.

Christen raises both her eyebrows in a challenge and she’s not exactly sure what the challenge is but she knows she has to go before her friends notice she’s gone.

She’s smiling with her hands in Tobin’s warm jacket pockets while she walks backwards to her friends.

“See you around, Heath.”

  
  
—  
  


Kelley doesn’t ask about it.

Probably waiting for Christen to tell her about it but the fact is, she doesn’t know what to say.

She doesn’t know if there really is anything to say just yet. The actual plan is in motion but when she thinks about the actual relationship to the unbeknownst it’s virtually nothing. Christen knows Kelley’s anger is misplaced in Tobin and more than that, she knows Kelley knows the same.

The problem is, they don’t talk about it.

Christen knows they have to talk about it now otherwise, the plan Kelley doesn’t even know about will never even have a good chance. Christen would never jeopardize her friendship with Kelley for anything or anyone. Not even for Kelley herself in this case.

It makes sense in her head.

So she waits until it’s more concrete, then she’ll tell her that it just kind of happened, and that will be that. She hopes.

The other thing is, she doesn’t have Tobin’s number, and the clock is ticking. It’s Sunday afternoon and hopefully she has the right idea.

  
She finds herself back at square one.

Brookwall soccer field entrance, it’s a pretty day out.

It’s quiet and doesn’t smell or sound quite like her favorite pitch in the world but it’ll do.

There’s no sign of Tobin and Christen figures since she’s already trespassing, she might as well do it with purpose. She grabs a soccer ball from under one of the benches and kicks it around getting a feel for the ground under her. It’s never talked about but at this level at least, no soccer pitch is the same. They may look the same and they may be painted and watered the same but there’s different textures at every one. Different dips and different angles work better, different spots where the sun has dried the grass before the game and the ball will stick just a tad more into it because of it.

So she takes advantage of her location and she feels the ground under her feet for everything it wants to tell her. She’s not wearing her boots so she’s not getting that much intel if she really thinks about it but it’s still nice to be on the pitch today in the sun she thinks.

She’s wearing Tobin’s jacket, making it easier for her not to be questioned while walking through the campus and also that was her whole reason for being here anyway.

She’s wearing jeans that she can’t really move too freely in and her white sneakers will probably have grass stains in a few minutes if she doesn’t leave soon.

She takes a second at the center of the pitch to look up with her eyes closed and relax her body into the sun allowing her to let everything go for the week. She’s standing still feeling the sun on her skin for at least a few minutes when she feels another presence. If she only had one guess she’d be willing to bet on a certain chestnut haired soccer captain.

“Did the sun say something mean to you?”

And she’d be right.

“You can tell me.”

Christen laughs softly at this with her eyes still closed as she opens them and looks behind her.

Tobin is wearing a bright orange hat today and Christen wonders if a day goes by where she isn’t on this pitch.

“And what would you do about it?”

She plays into it and it’s easy. It’s so easy that she finds herself forgetting what she’s meant to actually be doing when she’s in her presence.

It works out regardless if she thinks about it.

Tobin smiles her full smile and looks down to the ball at Christen’s feet. She looks like she’s pretending to think about it, gearing up to give her a pretty little answer wrapped with a bow when her eyebrows furrow and she seems to settle on a more serious one.

“The way the trees surround this field, it disappears most days right before seven every night.”

Christen is a little confused about the answer but nonetheless appreciative of the specific time to avoid the sun if it did in fact say something mean to her.

She looks down when Tobin kicks the ball through her feet and remembers the jacket. She takes it off before Tobin could possibly protest again and quickly folds it as neat as possible and hands it to her.

“I came to give this back, figured you’d be here.” She lets her know.

“What if I wasn’t?”

“Then I would have left it here.” She shrugs smiling knowing she doesn’t believe that for a second.

“And if it started raining?” Tobin challenges.

A small smirk settles on Christen’s face.

“Are you scared of water?”

Tobin finally laughs at this and it’s her real laugh. Christen thinks she’s never heard it before today and she wonders if Tobin’s laugh is another thing she perfected herself.

Christen thinks of something even better to continue their banter.

“I’d come back before seven and put it right here.” She says pointing to the center of the pitch where the sun offers its rays the longest.

Tobin softly hums at that.

“I love the sun.” She says and it doesn’t even feel like she’s saying it to Christen. It feels like she’s just stating it to the world around them.

Christen lets it be.

They stay like that for a while, kicking the ball back and forth, Tobin nutmegging her a few times for good measure and keeping up conversation.

Christen has this overwhelming feeling that she needs to move faster. Needs to have Tobin in the ways she’s planned already. She doesn’t know if she has time to make Tobin want more with her but she knows that she has this deep desire to put roots into the girl in front of her as deep as she will allow.

She figures not that deep at all.

She thinks fast and there’s only one thing that comes to her mind, it’s old school and she means for it to come out maybe a little sexier than it does but it starts before she can stop it.

“Do you want to come over and watch a movie?”

There’s a pause.

There’s also a slight grimace and it’s unfortunate.

It sounded much better in her head but she’s already thrown herself off the cliff and the only thing she can really do now is try to land.

“There’s a Harry Potter marathon on and-“

“I can’t, I’m sorry.” Tobin is quick to interrupt and she wishes she could see her face better to gauge her facial expression but she’s got her eyes glued to the ground.

Christen thinks she must have school work or have plans already and it’s really not a big deal. She just wishes she could trick her body into feeling that way, because it feels like she rejected more than the movie marathon.

So she tries to be sure.

Tries to land.

“Oh, do you maybe want to do something.. Friday?” She continues to fly through it and it might be more of a struggling to get her parachute open and hitting everything on her way down kind of flight but that’ll do.

Tobin finally lifts her eyes at that and looks into Christen’s hopeful ones and she wonders if Tobin calculated where the sun was going to be to hit her face the way it is or if she just looks like that from every angle.

The silence that follows is the most degrading thing she’s ever felt.

Tobin just looks back down and moves the ball with her right foot slowly and that’s when Christen realizes she has no interest in even giving her an excuse or letting her down easy.

Christen is mortified and she wants to crawl out of her own skin and pretend it wasn’t her who was in there.

She briefly thinks maybe it’s because Tobin is usually the one to pursue girls and she’s caught off guard.

The thought crosses her mind that Tobin hasn’t put any effort into pursuing Christen really at all and a warm feeling in her stomach threatens to bubble up.

As soon as it hits her she thinks she wants to immediately find a blanket to wrap around herself and walk to her car and never leave her house again. The thought that Tobin is this uninterested in her when she knows the brunette has slept with plenty of girls far less interesting than herself.

Christen feels like she needs to get some fresh air.

Unfortunately for Christen, she’s already outside.

So when Tobin’s apologetic eyes try to find Christen’s distracted ones she turns around to leave with a quick excuse thrown over her shoulder and she feels humiliated.

She wants to go home and tell Kelley everything she’s feeling and she wants to apologize for not being able to finish the job Kelley didn’t even know she started.

It’s not that she needed Tobin’s attention and desire.

She just wanted to know if she could have it.

She thinks she’s finally accepted she can’t.


	4. Tobin’s Fire.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Christen has repressed feelings and teddy grahams.

When Christen gets back to their apartment she puts her keys away and it’s oddly quiet for a Sunday afternoon when all of the girls have nowhere to be.

She calls out for Kelley through the open space of the kitchen and living room, not even sure if she’s home. She gets no response when she calls for her a little quieter down their hallway and checks their outside fire escape for good measure.

Nobody’s home.

So Christen fills up her water bottle and leans against the kitchen island and just absorbs the silence.

She closes her eyes and she’s not surprised that this eventually leads to a few stray tears.

She’s just like that, when she hears Kelley and Ali put their bags down. She doesn’t even hear the door open but she’s not surprised, always being good at escaping the noise when she’s like this.

Christen takes a deep breath and finishes the rest of her water when the laughter gets closer and she busies herself looking through the mail drawer.

“There she is!” Kelley’s behind Christen quickly and has her arm around her neck attacking her face with kisses.

She smells like Budweiser and Christen wonders if she remembers tomorrow is Monday and they have classes and it’s their heaviest training day of the week mixing in weights.

“Where have you guys been?” She laughs prying a tipsy Kelley off of her pretending to exert more energy than she really is.

Ali is looking through their cereal pantry ignoring the other two when Kelley is about to answer her and freezes giving Christen a concerned look.

“Why are you crying?” She asks so softly it might be a question she’s asking herself.

Christen’s hands shoot to her cheeks and they rub at the remaining tear streaks that must have been there without her consent.

She looks at Kelley like she has no idea what she’s talking about and gives her the best smile she can muster and it’s actually so convincing that she’s considering becoming an actress.

Kelley’s eyebrows look like they’re trying to become one when Ali pulls down a box of pasta and asks if anybody’s hungry.

Luckily for her, Kelley really likes pasta.

Ali smiles her big smile and starts her search for the pot.

—

When Christen is in her last class of the day, she gets a text from Ali asking what time she’ll be at the field and she doesn’t text back until class is over.

It’s not that she knows what Ali wants to talk about, it’s just that she wanted to properly highlight her notes and organize them into sections.

She also just knows what Ali wants to talk about.

 **CP** _(2:32 PM):_  
3:15

 **A Kriegs** _(2:35 PM):_  
(picture attached) I found a really nice Acura TLX in the lot, think I should steal it?

Christen sighs out loud at that.

Ali is waiting by her car in the south lot and she just wishes she had a few more minutes to figure out what to say to her.

She knows Ali is her most comforting friend and knows she’s also the only one besides JJ who she can really talk about this with anyway.

She walks out to her car and sees Ali leaning on the hood and she gets quickly swatted off by a giggling Christen.

“What do you want, loser.” Christen continues giggling and putting her stuff in her back seat.

“I want two things. First, an update on our top secret mission.” She makes an unimpressed face at that knowing Ali is mostly exaggerating but also, that is what it is isn’t it.

“And second, why were you sad last night?”

The last part is asked softly just how Kelley’s question was asked yesterday. She knows Ali can read her easy and she knew this was coming. Christen thought she knew how perceptive Ali was until she asks her next question and maybe she didn’t really know the extent of it.

“And are the two things related?”

It’s not asked with expectations. She’s sure Ali would be more than good with no reply at all, but she also remembers Ali’s reluctance to let Christen be the person to try to weasel her way into the other captains head to begin with.

“I’m backing out.” Christen sighs gently when she closes her back door and leans against it looking down at her shoes.

Ali doesn’t look surprised at all and has never been the one to throw around an _I told you so_.

She comes up to lean against the car to the left of Christen and offers her support by leaning her shoulder into her.

“She didn’t do anything to you did she?”

Christen’s eyebrows raise into her hairline at that. Not even sure what Ali is insinuating but nods quickly and violently.

“I asked her to come over.” Christen scoffs at the thought and feels her neck slowly heat up making its way to her face.

“She said no?” Ali’s eyes look like they’re going to bulge out of her head.

“She..” Christen trails off and closes her eyes and doesn’t really feel like finishing. She decides to go with a sad smile and a confirming head nod instead. 

Ali looks at her with a soft comforting expression and she wishes she could explain more but she doesn’t want to. She just knows she can’t get the job done and figures that’s all Ali needs to know.

Her friend let’s out a quiet sigh and pulls her into a side hug and holds her for a minute.

“Let’s get them the old fashioned way then.” Is whispered into her hair.

Christen doesn’t know how Ali went from “we have to do this” to where she is now but she lets it go.

She thinks about what this may mean by next month. If they’ll lose the game and Christen could have done something and If Kelley’s sad defeated eyes will carry on through the games ahead.

She hopes she never has to find out.

  
  


—

Christen is currently laying on the pitch with what’s left of the deep orange sun.

Training and practices a lot of times can feel very repetitive and sometimes like there’s not even really a point outside of exercise if it’s not done right.

Today was one of the better training sessions she’s had. They worked on connecting passes from further back with Kelley acting as an opposing defender.

She figures if she can connect past Kelley there’s no defender she can’t connect past. She just wishes she connected more than she did.

“What the hell are those?”

Christen opens her eyes and looks to her left at Sammy gawking at Kelley’s feet. She has her toe shoes on that she swears have a purpose.

Kelley throws one of her boots she took off at Sammy to shut her up when Mal asks if she can take a picture with Kelley’s toe shoe on.

The rest of the players take turns roasting her when Kelley starts yelling around all of the benefits of them while Christen laughs until tears roll down her cheeks.

She calls her dad when she gets to her car and promises to visit him before the soccer season starts and asks him to kiss their dogs for her.

She feels a little lighter today.

She thinks nothing even changed.

Like she never tried with Tobin to begin with.

And with that thought she starts her car and drives and promises herself to ignore the last two weeks of her life. She just wishes she could sleep better. 

—

“Christen.”

“Pressie.”

“C Dog.”

“Like corn dog but without the orn.”

Kelley pauses after that and Christen hopes that’ll be the last of it.

“Christina.”

“That’s not my name.” And dammit she fell for it.

“Right so, you’re awake, fantastic.” Kelley sounds elated and Christen wants to tell her she’s exhausted and to let her sleep but Kelley quickly continues.

“So anyway, there’s a thing tomorrow that Sonny invited us to and we should go.”

Christen spent all of Wednesday night organizing her notes in level of importance and what she’s likely to remember vs what she should read back frequently. Which brings her here, after a long morning of trying to keep her eyes open in her first class without coffee, since she forgot her wallet on the counter, after a terrible training and even worse ice bath, she’s here on the couch finally at 8:14 PM and would like to fall into oblivion.

Unfortunately for her Kelley is also here, having picked up her dead weight legs and put them on her lap finding what she assumes is a convenient place to be the most annoying human being on planet earth.

“You.. woke me up..” Christen slowly sits up one elbow at a time following her eyes attempting not to attack her friend as she continues through gritted teeth, “to ask me.. about something you could have asked me.. tomorrow.” She finishes and tries to remember that she is in fact fond of the girl in front of her most days.

Kelley at least has the decency to look apologetic and she reaches over to pat Christen’s blanket covered body in apology when she puts her best puppy dog eyes on.

“Maybe I missed you, you’ve been so busy lately and we only train together, you’re asleep by the time I get home if you’re not hauled up in your room, you know.”

Christen stares blankly at her and maybe if she was in a better mood this week she’d laugh it off and they’d be good but sleep doesn’t come easy these days and now she’s going to spend the next hour or so trying to fall back into it.

So she gets up and throws the blanket off effectively landing mostly on her friend and walks to the fridge for a water bottle to cool down.

She spends the next minute or so trying to contact whatever inner peace she has with her head against the fridge when she’s startled out of it by Kelley knocking something over, having not heard her get up.

“Sorry.” She winces and Christen automatically feels bad for making her face look like that so she sighs and musters the energy to softly smile at her with sad eyes.

“It’s okay, I’m sorry for getting cranky.”

“Chris, I’m here for you, you know.”

And Christen does know that, she’s never doubted it. She imagines that’s why Kelley really woke her up in the first place, offering what she knows Christen needs right now the most, distractions and a little bit of joy.

“What exactly is the thing tomorrow?”

Kelley’s face lights up at that and she can’t help the eye roll she gives her in return.

“Sonny said it’s a bonfire they’re having by that lake that we pass all the time, she said s’mores and I blacked out.”

She giggles at that knowing s’mores is in fact one of her friends favorite things in the world, not that most things food related aren’t.

“And since when do you talk to Emily Sonnett like she’s your best friend?”

“Keep your friends close and enemies closer kind of thing, you know how it is.” Kelley shrugs continuing, “Oh, are you jealous?”

Christen’s unamused stare goes ignored.

Kelley is mock sympathetic and rushes over to snuggle into Christen’s neck. “I promise you’re the only best friend I’ll ever need, the only one for me.” She starts singing and Christen escapes her arms laughing and promising to go if she never sings again.  
  


Kelley invites a very select few from the team, she assumes the ones she believes will behave the best which is odd to be selected by Kelley.

When she asks Ali she’s not surprised that she was one of the few to be asked nor was she surprised that she declined wanting to spend this weekend with Ashlyn and her parents.

What is shocking is the question she whispers to Christen when Kelley falls behind them laughing at something Mal is pointing at.

“What if Tobin is there?”

The mention of the other captain has Christen’s cringing with leftover embarrassment.

And it’s not that Christen hasn’t thought about it. It’s just that she’s done so well ignoring the existence of the other girl in her head she’s dropped her off the planet and effectively forgot that she is in fact still here. It’s crossed her mind once or twice since she woke up this morning remembering what she agreed to last night, she just hopes she won’t be there.

“I’m going to see her a few more times this year anyway, might as well get it over with now.” She shrugs.

“Get what over with?” Kelley asks, walking her body annoyingly into Christen's, making her lose her balance.

Chuckling Christen shoves her away, “This year so I can get away from you.”

Kelley is mock offended and asks Ali if she heard that too when Christen’s phone buzzes in her hoodie pocket.

 **Dad** _(3:02 PM):_  
So proud!! (link attached)

Christen is confused when she clicks the link with a familiar sports reporting logo until she sees the picture of her, Kelley and Rose celebrating one of their game winning goals last season. With how close they were last season the argument for them winning this season isn’t rare.

She scrolls to see her stats and sees the attached article about the tied game they had with Brookwall last year and knows this team has only gotten better.

She sends her dad a quick emoji and love you text and puts her phone away hoping tonight will take her mind off of all of the expectations.

—

There was a plan.

It involved taking turns staying by Kelley or JJ’s side all night and eating s’mores and hopefully bumming a beer or two. Her backup plan was pretty good too considering Zack is here as well with a couple of his friends and it wouldn’t be hard to sneak into that conversation either, she’s sure it’s about football or soccer anyway.

The plan was really good, if Tobin was here she wouldn’t have even noticed her anyway probably chatting away with her friends and being introduced to plenty of people staying busy. Not even looking in her direction once if she did happen to hear she was here eventually.

When Zack pulled into the rocky lot and they started walking down to the sand and saw the small group of people and warm fire all of her nerves disappeared. The group was smaller than she thought maybe 8-10 people at most and the odds of the other girl being here seemed almost impossible.

She even found a pretty place to watch the sun disappear with Kelley and eventually Sonny and Lindsey from the opposing school joined them in the peaceful moment.

It was a great night and it calmed her entirely.

Eventually she was able to zone out and look out to the night sky and smell the burning of the firewood and let her worries burn away with it.

A can of beer and a sip of Kelley’s later she finds herself in deep conversation with one of Zack’s friends who she learns is also a football player.

His name is Jesse and he has pretty blue eyes and a tattoo runs down his leg and eventually they’re sitting pretty close by the fire.

Christen thinks he reminds her of one of her closest friends back home that she doesn’t talk to much anymore and makes a mental note to text him next week maybe. She’s genuinely laughing at a story about him pushing Zack to finally ask JJ out before they left for college and she thinks if the only reason she was meant to come tonight was to make another friend with kind eyes then maybe that’s okay.

Everything is going great until life reminds her that things never actually go to plan and she looks around to scan the other people she’s long forgotten were here with her and her friends.

She spots her when she looks past her left shoulder and she’s not happy to see her.

She’s not happy to see her at all.

She’s especially not happy to see a girl clinging to her like she’s the last drop of water after she’s scaled the Sahara. A girl that Christen has talked to a few times throughout the night and even laughed with.

She wonders when Tobin got here and if she’s here specifically for the girl whose hands are around her waist laughing in her ear from something Tobin must have said.

She feels a shiver run down her spine and that aftershock of humiliation floods through her body again and she feels like she’s drowning in it.

She looks back to the water and thinks of the fastest ways she can escape without being seen and promises herself not to look back again. Jesse must feel her discomfort immediately and wrongly decides she must be cold and before she can say anything his jacket is on her shoulders.

She lets it be with her best pretend grateful smile and goes back to devising a plan when the plan quite literally falls right into her lap.

Kelley may have had the right idea that JJ is one of their most responsible friends but what she must have forgotten was how much of a sloppy drunk the girl was. The girl currently in her lap struggling to stay in place with her arm around her neck.

Jesse finds it incredibly funny and Zack finds it even funnier when he comes over and asks what’s going on and his friend fills him in.

Christen however, is trying to disappear into thin air at the moment and nobody around her is sober enough to pick up on her inner panic.

“Zack you’re driving us home, right?” She asks swiftly.

“Yes ma’am, if you like being alive and all.”

Christen wants to add a self deprecating joke but thinks better of it with how sad her inner monologue is right now.

“Do you think we could go now?” She asks looking around for Kelley who’s sitting far too close to Alex Morgan’s face right now.

She thinks to ask about that one later.

Zack looks at her with questioning eyes but ever the kindest, doesn’t ask out loud for her sake and she appreciates him endlessly for it.

“Yeah that’s alright, I’ll get J, you get Kelley.” He hurries over to Christen’s side and starts to help JJ up, effectively letting Christen herself stand up and get some of the sand off herself.

Jesse stands up with them and gives Christen his number and puts his contact name as the lobster emoji because of the lifeguard joke she made earlier.

“I’ll be seeing you.” He says and she smiles at that and gives his jacket back with a hand on his forearm as a thank you.

She gets to Kelley quickly and whispers they have to go because JJ isn’t feeling good as a good excuse to get her up quick and it works.

She’d be lying if she said as they walk back to the car she isn’t confused about the lingering look Alex sends their way. She decides tonight isn’t the night to ask Kelley as she seems quite wasted and stores it away for tomorrow.

When everyone is in the car ready to go with the help of Zack and Christen putting their respective sleeping girls seatbelts on she lets out a deep relieved breath.

Zack finally gets into the driver's seat and gets all the windows down saying something about their children in the back getting some fresh air making Christen laugh.

When she’s walking around the car to get to the passenger side she feels her before she sees her.

She mostly hears her sneakers against the gravel of the lot anyway.

Tobin’s breathing is a little labored when she stops Christen in her tracks and Christen thinks she only needed to take two more steps and she’d have the door open and the car would be long gone.

Tobin doesn’t say anything, she just looks between Zack in the driver's seat and Christen and she briefly wonders if Tobin needs a ride or a lighter or something.

Thankfully Tobin finally speaks up and breaks the awkward silence but her words are for Zack as she walks towards the passenger side window and bends down to say something she can’t hear over the engine.

When that same engine turns off, Tobin comes back up and she figures she asked him if he could wait for a minute and Christen wonders why Tobin is so sure she’ll even give her the time of day.

When the girl in question looks at her through her eyelashes with a soft pout she figures Tobin gets what she wants often.

“Can we talk?”

Christen stares at her with squinting eyes for good measure but nods tiredly and Tobin ushers her softly to the other side of the lot overlooking the water where they can’t be heard anymore.

Christen has her arms crossed from the night air and Tobin only has a tee shirt on and she wonders if she’s feeling cold too. She thinks she must’ve been warmer with the girl attached to her hip earlier.

“I’m sorry about last week.”

The girl isn’t looking at her, she’s looking at the water and Christen is soaking her in as she’s doing it.

She’s wearing white sneakers and dark camo joggers and she looks soft and she looks like she hurts girls feelings and apologizes often.

So Christen nods her head and decides she’s not going to give her a hard time because there’s nothing here for her anymore. This is probably a conversation designed to keep it civil for the rest of the year and to not cause any unwanted drama in the future.

“Thank you, I accept your apology. I’ll see you on opening day.” And it’s said softly, there’s no malice in her voice, she made sure of it. She expects Tobin to take it and feel better about whatever she needs to feel better about and for them to forget anything ever happened between them and for it to go back to just soccer.

But as she turns around to walk back to the car she’s quickly but softly stopped with a hand on her upper arm.

“Christen, wait.”

It’s said in a bit of panic and she’s trying to wrap her head around that and the fact that she doesn’t know if she’s really ever heard Tobin use her first name before.

“My team, we have a thing.” Tobin starts and she lets go of Christen’s arm and uses the same hand to rub the back of her neck nervously as she continues, “I can’t be distracted and you distract me.”

And it feels a little rude the way it’s said.

Like Christen is just a thing to keep time ticking but then she remembers what she typically forgets when around the other girl, the fact that this was what she was meant to be doing the entire time.

She now has absolute proof that she is in fact capable of distracting the other captain.

She’s stuck between feeling a little offended, a lot confused and wanting so badly to get into the girl's brain and distract her even more.

Tobin is studying her face and realizes she probably didn’t word what she wanted to correctly and looks a bit frazzled.

“Shit, sorry. I don’t know what to say.”

Christen just stands silently and awkwardly looking back at the car feeling a bit of anxiety for making Zack wait.

“You don’t have to feel bad for him, I’m letting him have one of my PlayStation games for it.” Tobin quickly explains.

Christen looks at her with the most confused expression she thinks she’s ever made.

Tobin’s self-deprecating laugh brings her out of her thoughts and when she looks at her she has her head down and her hands against the wood barrier in front of her.

Christen is about to say she should go anyway when Tobin fully turns around and looks at her with soft clear eyes.

“What I meant earlier-“

“It’s okay Heath, don’t worry about it.” She interrupts.

She feels mentally exhausted and she needs time on her own to decipher everything that has happened tonight and each word that was said. She’s also trying to keep up with the whiplash of being rejected to whatever this is.

She figures Tobin can sense her desire to leave and she lets out a soft defeated sigh.

“Can I have your number?” Tobin asks softly

Christen doesn’t understand why she would want her number if she said she didn’t want to be distracted, but figures this will give her the option to go through with the plan she practically gave up on if she still wants to.

“You can put yours in my phone.” She requests as she hands her phone to the other girl.

The smartest move she made tonight, she has all of the cards in her deck now.

It’s _her_ move.

When Tobin finishes it and hands it back she puts it back in her pocket and wraps her arms back around herself to keep warm.

“I should..” she trails off pointing back to the car.

Tobin nods in understanding and gives her a small smile.

When Christen finally gets to the car Zack smiles at her fondly and turns the car on and she looks back at the two sleeping girls in the car and chuckles softly.

“Thank you for waiting, Zack.” Christen whispers, closing her eyes getting ready to fall asleep for the short ride.

“No worries.” He whispers back.

When Christen falls back asleep later that night in the comfort of her own bed she thinks of soft chestnut hair and even softer looking lips saying her name.

—

Saturday morning is spent recovering from the night before with a lot of water and a lot of falling back asleep until noon.

When she finally brings herself to take a shower and fully wake herself up she knocks on Kelley’s door to encourage her to do the same. If there’s any chance of them having a decent training tonight she knows she’s going to have to start making a late breakfast for them.

When she gets to the kitchen she immediately grabs the eggs and decides on some quick and light eggs and toast for them will do just fine. When the eggs are done and she puts their slices of bread in the toaster she leans against the counter and exhales a deep sigh.

Thinking about last night and trying to connect the things that don’t make sense to her becomes incredibly overwhelming. She picks up her phone and before she even realizes what she’s doing she’s creating a group text with Ali and JJ. She sends a quick text asking them to meet before training later and immediately regrets it.

She knows she acted before she could stop it because she knows she needs the guidance but what the hell is she going to say. What can they possibly do for her when she knows everything in her body is screaming at her to do. She can’t do this. If it’s possible for someone to wiggle their way into Tobin’s mind and distract her then it has to be somebody who can do it unaffected.

If Christen has learned anything from this experience it’s that as much as she would like to be, she’s not detached enough. She had always thought that she could compartmentalize and she had especially thought she could do it when it came to _her_.

The person who has existed around her since she can remember and has never been affected by Christen. How is it possible that she can be so aloof regarding Christen’s existence and Christen can’t reciprocate the feelings.

How can-

A loud pop scares her causing her heart to beat so fast she thinks she’s got one foot into heaven. The overwhelming smell of burnt toast surrounds the open air and she wonders how she didn’t smell that earlier.

“What the hell is that smell, are we on fire?”

“No, we’re not on fire Kelley.”

Kelley is standing with her toothbrush in her hand and is wrapped in a small blanket clearly having rushed into the kitchen.

“You look..”

“Good for hungover, I know.”

“I was going to say dead but sure.”

Kelley repeats her last words back to her in a voice that can’t possibly be an impersonation of her own as she walks back to the bathroom. Christen chuckles to herself and quickly discards the black toast trying her best not to burn her hands off as she hears her phone vibrate on the kitchen island.

 **A Kriegs** _(12:38 PM)_  
Coffee in an hour? I know you both need it

 **JJ** _(12:39 PM)_  
I will be there!!

Christen scoffs knowing her friend has probably had an awful morning after the state she was in last night. She sends them a quick thumbs up emoji before she eats her eggs knowing she’s going to need some fuel to get ready. After she eats she decides to get her and Kelley’s training bags ready and packed so she can bring it to her trunk on her way down, not having to do it later. As she’s finishing getting ready and asking Kelley if she wants anything from their favorite coffee spot she’s about to head out when she hears Kelley’s ringtone and Ashlyn’s distressed greeting on speaker.

It stops her in her tracks and she walks swiftly to where she left Kelley who was sitting on the kitchen counter with a forkful of eggs that’s now long forgotten.

“Coach Mason called me this morning and he said he wanted to call me before our first practice next month to give me..” she hears muffled cries through the phone and her heart breaks for her friend before she hears her continue, “to give me extra time.. to train before it.” She breathes into the phone.

“Why would..” Kelley starts softly before being interrupted by a now calmer but angrier Ashlyn as she hears her scoff.

“He said if I don’t perform he’s not going to start me for the Brookwall game.”

A pause.

“This season.. this is all we have to get picked up for the league.. if he doesn’t start me that’s all the articles will ever be about when my name is in it..”

Kelley tries to talk her down, tries to tell her everything will be okay and she’ll start but is again interrupted by an even more determined Ashlyn.

“I want to be at every training from now on. I’m going to get the starting spot and I’m going to win the Brookwall game Kel, I have to.” The last part is said quietly and less determined than the rest, more of a plea than a statement she thinks.

Christen and Kelley have a conversation with their eyes but know not much will be said when Ashlyn hangs up anyway. They can only handle so much pressure and talking about it will only add more. Christen musters a small sympathetic smile for Kelley knowing she’s about to try to bring Ashlyn down and she’s going to leave her to it. Kelley gives her an understanding nod and starts talking to Ashlyn with the phone to her ear walking back to her room. Christen feels the anxiousness bubble up in her chest and she feels as if her head is heavier than it’s ever been. She gets her keys and their bags and walks out the door.

—

When Christen finds JJ in the corner of the small dark coffee shop a short walk from campus, it’s with 3 cups in front of her and her head barely staying up. She puts her hand softly on her tired blonde friends shoulder to make herself known so she doesn’t startle her when she moves to sit. When she finally sits and grabs the cup that has a C on it with a smile of gratitude she feels the weight of the world in her bones. They’re waiting for Ali and Christen wonders if Ali will even show up knowing Ashlyn must have told her by now. JJ looks like she’s trying to solve a puzzle on Christen’s face when she makes eye contact and tries to communicate that it’ll all make sense soon.

“I’ll text her to see-“ she’s stopped by the sound of the chair next to her being pulled out and red eyed Ali lets her body drop heavily next to her. JJ is immediately attentive and cooes to her friend across the table wanting to soothe her as fast as possible. Ali looks at Christen with tears in her eyes and Christen can physically feel what Ali is asking for and she’d say the pressure of it all is what made her decide but she thinks there was no choice to be made.

They’re going to tear Brookwall apart.

The rest of the meeting consists of Ali explaining everything she knows about Ashlyn and their coach’s conversation and what’s expected of all of them at practice. It eventually moves on to why they were there in the first place, which has changed drastically. Christen explains to both of them everything that’s happened more thoroughly knowing the more open she is the better advice she’ll receive. She explains what happened on the Brookwall field that day she asked Tobin out and she explains everything she remembers from the night before, all the way to the apology and now having her number. She waits until the end to pitch the idea of having someone who is better fit for this now that the whole situation has become even more sensitive when JJ interrupts her.

“Christen.. I think I could be wrong but.. it sounds like she means _you_ can distract her.”

Christen looks at her confused as if to agree that that’s what she had said.

“No I mean.. only you.”

Christen is dumbfounded. “How did you get that from what she said, that’s the dumbest-“

“She’s right.” Ali stops her gently. “We may not know Heath well but she sleeps around like she’s a bus on a route and-“

“Ali.” JJ's scolding at Ali’s obviously misplaced anger.

“Sorry I just meant.. she has a lot of girls and she’s had a lot of options and she’s never been distracted by it before but she hasn’t even hooked up with you and she said you distract her already.. you have the power to probably keep her around and ruin both of their games this season against us.”

“She meant I _could_ be a-“ Christen starts again.

“You said she said you distract her. Present tense.”

And maybe she did say that but she probably meant-

“Chris.” JJ brings her out of the thought. “If you can’t do this.. we can figure it out.” Ever the gentlest.

“Nobody else can do it.” Ali spits out. JJ looks shocked at the outburst and Christen thinks her lips may have quivered a bit. JJ looks at Christen with gentle understanding and rubs soothing circles into her forearm across the table.

“I’m sorry.” Ali says into her hands and looks up at Christen, “I shouldn’t have had this conversation yet, I just feel helpless I..”

“It’s okay Al, I’ll do it.”

Ali violently shakes her head no and starts to say something along the lines of forget it and she was wrong when Christen stops her.

“I’ve got this, lets get them.” And she puts up a smile and a reassuring head nod and looks the calmest she’s been all day while feeling like her insides are on fire. JJ looks about to argue when Christen pulls out her phone and searches for her contact, bringing it up.

“What do I say?”

Both Ali and JJ are silent at this thinking of things to come up with. They start brainstorming for a while discussing that Tobin basically gave her all the power and she should confidently lead her wherever she wants her now.

“Then just tell her to come over tonight.” Ali shrugs coming to a final decision. “You’re sure you’re okay with sleeping with her?”

And Christen knew this was part of it, a big part of it but didn’t think it would ever actually lead her for some reason. She imagines if Tobin actually came over how she would disguise her nervousness for confidence and if the other captain would sense it right away or it would be obvious in bed.

Which leads her to her next thought of what it would be like to be with the girl in bed. She thinks it’s a coping mechanism maybe, that she hasn’t thought about what it would be like to have the other girl in that way.

Objectively speaking, Tobin Heath is attractive, sure.

She’s confident and she has appealing physical attributes and unfortunately Christen isn’t blind.

She’s also cocky and full of herself and will probably think lowly of Christen after she’s had her the only way she wanted her. She thinks she might tell the entire team that she slept with the Clifford captain and she was shit in bed or that she-

“Christen.” JJ is looking at her with pleading eyes. She doesn’t know what she wants from her though, doesn’t know what else she can give them.

“Sorry, what was that?”

“Ali asked if you were okay sleeping with her and you..”

“Oh sorry, yeah of course. That’s the point right.” She laughs and JJ looks like she isn’t buying this for a second.

“Are you sure Christen.. you can say no, this is your life and your body you-“

“I’m sure.”

JJ looks like she’s not happy at all and Ali is quietly looking out the window at the sky that is looking terribly gloomy today.

“What about Kelley?” JJ asks as she stirs her coffee with what has to be the fifth packet of sugar.

“She’s fine, I made her some eggs this morning and she didn’t want coffee because she said it would be cold by the-“

“No, I mean when Tobin comes over.”

The entire table is now silent. They all share looks and Ali starts laughing hysterically.

“How the hell.. are you going to sleep with your best friends archenemy when you live with her.” Ali gets out through her laughter. She brings JJ along with her eventually when JJ sits and wonders the same.

Christen has no answer at all.

“Why don’t you stay with me on nights you bring her over then, Crystal is always sleeping at her boyfriends anyway and I’m at Zack’s a lot.” Christen doesn’t hear much past the word nights being plural.

“What the hell am I going to tell Kelley?”

“Just tell her you get a better sleep because she’s always loud as hell and-“

“I mean in general. About Tobin.” Christen wonders looking up at the ceiling trying to find God.

JJ smirks at her when she says “Say what you guys always say, love is love and all that. It applies to other-“

“Do you want your gay approved straight friend card taken away because I will.” Ali says pointing at her when she puts her hands up to surrender quickly.

“After tonight just start bringing her around more and maybe they’ll.. you know.. I don’t know. It’s good practice anyway, Kelley hates everybody at some level and she’ll have to share you permanently one day.” And Ali is technically right but she can’t shake the feeling that this is just different.

They finish up their conversation and decide it’s time to relax before their training soon and Christen leaves with a promise to send a text to Tobin and keep them updated. When she gets to her car she has the other captains contact ready to text but can’t find the words. When she finally decides to text JJ knowing she replies the fastest.

 **CP** _(2:04 PM):_  
what should I say exactly again..

JJ does her one better and calls her right away. They go back and forth about what’s the best option and JJ gives her a list of replies to it as well and talks her through it. When Christen finally feels ready she opens her phone and prays that she doesn’t have to get rejected again and promises she’ll never do something like this again to whoever is listening.

 **Unknown Number** _(2:16 PM):_  
Hey it’s Christen, if you’re free tonight you should come over. I have snacks.

Christen freezes when she presses send.

That is definitely _not_ what JJ told her to say.

She supposes just in case Tobin was going to say no but was really feeling a chocolate chip teddy graham or two, she’s covered.

The embarrassing shiver starts to work it’s way up her bones. She wants to move to Europe, she thinks. A nice little apartment by a pretty flower shop somewhere, she can pretend she never went to school and what’s soccer? She’s halfway through her future European life in her head when her phone buzzes.

 **Tobin** _(2:19 PM):_  
Love a good snack. What time?

She realizes Tobin probably thinks snacks were a purposeful innuendo and Christen thinks that was too easy after getting rejected the first time around. Maybe all she had to do from the start was let the other girl know she was going to sleep with her. She makes a mental note to be more straight forward with her intentions because the slightest complication will have Tobin running.

She sends two texts, one is the address of JJ and Crystals apartment and the second is a time given with every ounce of confidence she could muster.

 **Christen** _(2:23 PM):_  
See you at 9

She feels like she gained a little bit of power back through the last text. She also feels like she might puke but that could be from the speed she inhaled her eggs earlier. When she finally drives home she thinks about all the things she needs to ask JJ and Ali at training to get ready for the night.

The truth is she has no idea how this works, she’s never done a hookup like this in her life. Especially not one with this much pressure. She’s only hooked up with a girl once since coming out her senior year and it was new for her but there were some feelings and it may have not worked out but it was an alright enough experience. She wonders what it will be like to be with Tobin, what she’ll treat her like before and after. What she’ll expect Christen to be like in bed or what she expects her to do after.

Does she kick her out nicely? Does she let her fall asleep? What if she isn’t experienced enough to get Tobin off? What if she doesn’t make it to the bed at all because Christen panics when they kiss? Oh god they’re finally going to-

A text from Kelley asking if she died is what breaks her panic and she’s breathing much heavier than she should be sitting in her car.

9 feels way too close and maybe a little too far at the same time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leaving you here but no worries big t&c chapter next, teddy grahams time!!


	5. Constellation.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some gay panic is added to the wash and Tobin is just trying to make it to the dryer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The teddy graham has landed.

When they finally get to training Christen is excited to blow off some steam. Unfortunately for her, her steam isn’t being blown skillfully. She’s skying balls left and right and almost tore Ashlyn’s face off with her last one making it far too dirty for it to be a practice kick. 

“Did I do something?” Ashlyn’s out of breath shout feels like it smacks her in the face with how loaded the statement is.

“No, it’s not you. I’m sorry.” Christen responds sincerely with her hands up in surrender.

The rest of the training is as frustrating as the start and when they finally wrap it up she’s looking for Ali and JJ when she notices Ali is walking away with Ashlyn’s bag on her hip and a supportive arm around her. She figures she should leave them be and just ask JJ for advice tonight knowing she’s going to be spending the next half hour getting the apartment ready anyway. 

When she showers at home she gets some stuff ready to go so she can bring it to the quick walk across the hall and one floor up to the other apartment.

She tells Kelley she’s going to JJ’s because she wants to help Crystal with an essay and tells her she might fall asleep there if JJ puts on food network again, effectively making her laugh. Kelley stretches out on the couch and waves her off telling her to shut the lights off on her way out and blows her a kiss but throws it instead. Christen catches the kiss chuckling and looks at her phone for the time, she has an estimated twenty minutes before Tobin gets there so she shuts the door and quickly walks over.   
  


—

When she opens the door to the other apartment JJ is standing there ushering her to hurry up and unpacks her bag and gets her stuff into Crystal's room. JJ is in an absolute hurry and she understands why, but she has so many questions to ask and if JJ would just stop moving for- 

“Look at me.” She shakes her out of her thoughts quite literally with hands on her shoulders. 

“If you don’t want to do this. You do not have to.” She says genuinely and Christen is appreciative of the gentle girl in front of her. 

She fondly smiles at her. “I’m okay with it, it’s just sex, right?” JJ stares at her still looking for anything that signals she wants to run and Christen decides to reassure her some more.

“I mean I haven’t had sex in a while and it’s a good stress reliever and Tobin is..” she trails off hoping JJ feels better leaving her.

“Yeah.. that’s true, honestly if I wasn’t with Zack and this was going on I would absolutely let her bend me-“

“That’s enough pep talk I think.” Christen rushes through her fake grimace.

They laugh and JJ makes sure she knows where everything is quickly and when it reaches 8:53 she thinks she has no time to ask anything in case Tobin is early. But who the hell comes early to a booty call. She hopes not Tobin.

She asks everything she can and JJ helps her as much as her jaw will allow while she’s closing the door slowly and then she leaves and Christen’s alone. Alone in her friend's living room turned movie theatre with blankets everywhere and candles lit around the place and a movie already playing.

If Tobin didn’t know what this was before, she’s definitely going to know the second she walks in. But what the hell else would she have come for, Christen laughs to herself.

She didn’t want to look like she was trying too hard but she also wanted to be clear like she promised herself earlier, she’s wearing soft grey Nike joggers, a black shirt and she straightened her hair. She thinks it sends the right message that I want to be treated nicely but you can take me to bed.

She hopes anyway. 

She puts the popcorn in the microwave and the m&m’s in a bowl and throws the box of teddy grahams on the floor by the blankets against the couch. She checks the time and it’s 9:06 PM and she thinks she’s going to pass out if the other girl doesn’t get her soon. 

She decides it wouldn’t be crazy if Tobin didn’t show up. It seems like a move she would make, sending a text at 9:30 about how she can’t make it or even worse not sending anything at all.

Maybe there’s someone on the other girls campus already spread out for her, who knows. 

A call brings her out of her thoughts and when she reads Tobin’s name she doesn’t know why it’s her first reaction but tears well up in her eyes.

She knows the girl is calling to cancel, she should just appreciate that she’s calling. She doesn’t want to blow this for the long run anyway, so she has to answer, has to pretend it doesn’t bother her and she’ll bring it to JJ and Ali on what the next step is to get this girl to want her.

She answers the call with a soft hey that she hopes sounds distracted but she imagines a little bit of sadness slipped in.

“Hey.” The soft response comes and she’s never heard Tobin on the phone before so she tries not to focus on the deep rasp of the girls voice. There’s a small pause but it’s not up to Christen to say something.

The other captain is the one who called. So she waits a second.

“Oh, I’m outside. I can’t get in the building without an ID.”

Christen takes the phone away from her ear for a second when she feels a small gasp leave her mouth realizing that that’s exactly right.  
  
She can’t get in. 

“Oh gosh, I’m so sorry, I’m coming. Down the stairs, downstairs. I’ll be there in a second.” She fumbles through and hangs up quick before she can hear a response. 

Yeah, so a little apartment by a pretty little flower shop and she’ll work at the bar down the street and-

She gets her shoes on quickly and brings her wallet she has with her in case they wanted to order pizza and goes down the stairs. She starts to take her ID out and when she sees her she’s mostly a shadow but there’s a bright light in the entrance of the door and when Tobin spots her she turns fully to wave through the glass and Christen thinks she’s going to die. 

Tobin Heath looks absolutely _delectable_ and she doesn’t know if she can survive it. 

She’s wearing jeans with small rips in the knees and a light grey crew neck with her soccer club on it and she thinks this is crazy.

Maybe the thought of being with her is what makes Christen think of how attractive she is now under the lights of her complex but she thinks the vision of the girl waiting for her right now will never leave her mind. 

Christen gets to the door and opens it with a quick smile and holds her hand out with her ID card for Tobin to take but there’s an awkward pause until Christen lifts her eyes to meet the pretty ones in front of her that have a hint of amusement in them.

She doesn’t take it.

Because why the hell would she need her ID if Christen just opened the door.

Christen rushes to take her hand back and curses at herself for being a complete idiot. She is absolutely going to blow this. She has no idea how Tobin is even still standing there.

“Right. You don’t need that, sorry.” She says as she opens the door wider for the athlete to walk in. When she sees Tobin’s shoes she immediately starts walking up the stairs to show her where the apartment is and cursing that she knows after the flight of stairs she’s going to have to make eye contact again.

When she makes it to the last part she turns around to a barely concealed left over smirk and ignores it. 

“It’s here. I have um.. popcorn and candy.”

Tobin is clearly biting her lip now to keep from laughing.

“Sounds like a kidnapping to me but I’ll bite.” 

And thankfully she puts Christen out of her misery and walks in so Christen can breathe for a second while she closes and locks the door faced away from the other girl. When she turns around she sees Tobin’s eyes looking around the apartment with her hands in her pockets and Christen doesn’t know how to make this more comfortable.

She thinks for a second she’s not going to get through this. She thinks she may have to pretend to fall asleep a few minutes into the movie and hope Tobin leaves quickly to escape this nightmare. All she had to do was be like everyone else and be relaxed and chill and-

“Christen.” 

Christen hums in acknowledgement forgetting where she is with how deep she was chastising herself. She meets soft honey brown eyes and it feels like ice down her back.

Right.

She’s got to fix this now before the other girl leaves and never comes back. She takes a quick discreet breath and starts walking towards the popcorn bowl left in the kitchen slipping her shoes off.

“You um.. do you want a drink?”

Tobin slightly furrows her eyebrows at that and Christen wonders what the hell she said wrong now.

As she goes back to figure it out in her head replaying the phrase over and over she sees Tobin in her line of sight trying to find her eyes. 

“Christen.. I can go home if you feel uncomfortable I..”

“No.” She quickly interrupts. It can’t possibly end like this already she didn’t even get to the first damn part of it.

“I..” she starts and thinks better of what she was going to say. She tries honesty, as much as she’s allowed, hoping it will be better than whatever is going to happen without it. “I haven’t.. it’s been a while since I’ve been with anyone and I know I shouldn’t say that but it’s-“

“That’s not why I came.” Tobin interrupts. She looks a little shocked and a little upset and maybe even angry and Christen can’t believe that even when she’s forward she can’t get her point across and now she’s offended the girl. 

Wait why the hell would Tobin not be here for that and why in the same hell would she be offended? 

Christen stares blankly and dumbly at the other captain not knowing what to really say from here. The miscommunication is humiliating and she’s back to square one with the girl in front of her. If humiliation comes this easy and frequently she thinks she’ll be a pro in no time.

Tobin rubs the back of her neck and she looked stressed and Christen is sorry for doing this to her. Even when she tries to be simple it ends up like.. _this_. And _this_ is the exact opposite of what Tobin is looking for.

“Did you.. sorry what exactly did you come..” 

“For a movie marathon, I’m sorry I didn’t understand you meant that kind of snack.” 

Christen nods her head at this and she hates that tears well up in her eyes. She feels rejected and it’s stupid, Tobin’s not exactly rejecting her she just misread..

“I’m not saying that I wouldn’t.. that’s not what I’m saying either. I just thought..” 

“It’s okay, it’s my fault.” She says finally helping the other girl from the damage control she feels like she has to do.

“Well that Harry Potter marathon should be on demand and there is snacks so..” 

“You drive me crazy, you know that?” 

Christen is stunned to say the least. It was said in a small defeated voice but she feels saddened by the statement.

“You have shown no interest in me since we were kids and now all of a sudden you..” she starts and the look on her face she thinks could be frustration but not towards her.

“You’re confusing me and I thought maybe you were just trying to be friends before our last year of school is over or something but you.. do you want to sleep with me? Is that what you’ve been trying to do?”

The girl in front of her looks like a wounded pigeon and Christen can’t possibly unpack all of this right now with Tobin waiting for an answer so she cycles through the lies in her head and settles on a mixed answer.

“No, I mean, well yes but not in the objectifying kind of way, I think you’re a nice person too.” 

Tobin looks absolutely mortified at the answer and she doesn’t know why she thought it would make her feel better. She thought they could maybe continue with their night but that doesn’t seem to be happening. 

“I think I should go.” She says as she walks over to where she put her keys by the door and Christen doesn’t know how to save this one, or anything for that matter.

She thinks quickly and if Tobin doesn’t want the just sex answer then she’s going to give her the only other option and thankfully this version just pours out of her like it’s natural.

The girl starts going for the door handle and Christen quickly rushes over and puts her hand on it to stop her, swiftly turning around and leaving Tobin mere inches from her. 

“Tobin wait, that’s not really why, I’m sorry.” She gets out quickly.

“I’ve always noticed you.” 

And she says it looking right into her eyes and the other girls face starts to soften and relax and she thinks she has to keep going to get it back to it’s usual softness.

“I just thought that’s what you wanted, just sex, that’s what you usually do so I thought I’d start there but..” Tobin looks down and exhales with her hands on her eyes moving to her temples and Christen does what she thinks is right in this moment and puts her hands on Tobin’s to stop them from stress rubbing and keeps ahold of them as she lowers them. 

“I’m sorry.” She says as she bites her lip trying to find the warm honey eyes.

When she finds them she finds reluctance but they’re calm nonetheless. She thinks of what Tobin wanted to do tonight and looks at the movie still playing as the candles flicker and fill the silence. She thinks about the power her friends say she apparently has over this girl and thinks if she came to watch a movie on a Saturday night with no sex when she could have been with anybody else, then powerful she may be.

She looks at the girl with her best version of puppy dog eyes and tries her new found approach. 

“Can you stay and watch a movie with me then? Just a movie and some snacks?” She asks her hopefully, still holding onto Tobin’s limp hands between their bodies. Tobin clenches her jaw and looks up to meet Christen’s eyes again.

“Yeah, okay.” She says softly with a nod of agreement. 

Christen takes that as a sign to let go of her hands and she shuts the lights out in the kitchen when she grabs the popcorn and ushers Tobin over to the blankets.

She didn’t expect this to be what her night looked like and she definitely didn’t think she was going to be the one to take the lead in this specific direction but she thinks it feels better.

It feels right.

Christen sits on the floor and pats the spot next to her and Tobin sits down with her socked feet she feels like they’ve done this a hundred times. 

She hands Tobin the bowl of popcorn and turns the movie volume up getting comfortable in the blanket and she just breathes her worries away slowly in and out.

A few minutes into the movie she can see Tobin’s eyes stray around the room. She’s not sure how to deal with this version of the brunette yet, she’s always seen the girl confident and leading the way but this girl in front of her looks like she’d be lead off a cliff on accident.

If she’s honest with herself, she doesn’t know how to deal with any version of the other girl.

She’s thinking of ways to get Tobin to feel the way she did before Christen ruined the mood when Tobin gets up onto one of her knees and faces Christen. 

“Will you come with me?” She asks with what looks like a more vulnerable smirk than usual.

Christen looks at her confused and is about to ask where when Tobin stops her and puts her hand out to help her up.

“Just trust me.”

And what is Christen going to do? Say no? After the mess she threw her in tonight? She thinks she gave Tobin enough drama in one night to last her a season already. So she takes her hand and when she’s fully up Tobin turns around and starts putting her shoes on and while Christen copies the action she comes back with a soccer ball she must have spotted in the living room somewhere earlier.

“These are the right keys?” Tobin asks her softly her hand hovering above the only Clifford lanyard with keys on it. Christen prays to every god above that those are in fact the keys to the apartment and JJ left them for her when she nods her head yes and Tobin takes them off the hook along with the ID on the shelf part.

Christen is confused by the action but let’s it play out. It all starts to make a bit more sense to her when Tobin opens the door for her and leads her out, closing it and (thankfully) is able to lock the top lock of the door with the soccer ball in her left arm. She turns around and gives Christen a small smirk with playful eyes and she feels the energy is shifting back to what it usually is between them. 

Tobin surprises her and moves the soccer ball to her right arm and softly waits with her left hand out for Christen to take it and Christen thinks she didn’t really make a choice, her body just took over. When she feels Tobin’s warm hand in hers and feels their fingers interlock she knows Tobin can feel her heart beat with how fast it’s going. 

She has no idea where they’re going and she can’t focus on anything she’s passing with the other girls hand in hers and she can’t stop thinking of anything but the sweet gesture.

They’re in a comfortable silence but she thinks she’s learning more about the other captain in this moment than anytime they’ve ever talked. 

Tobin gently lets go of her hand when Christen figures they’ve reached their destination. 

It makes sense considering she brought a soccer ball but it doesn’t stop the confusion from showing up on her face at the front of her schools soccer field. Nobody is allowed to be on here at these hours and the lights are off so it’s pitch black so she wonders how much they could really get done out here right now.

She’s also a little sluggish after the candy she just ate. 

Tobin walks backwards to the center of the pitch with a full smirk now and laughs at Christen’s confusion. She makes a come here motion with her hand and starts playing with the ball lazily. Christen follows her and thinks she’s never seen it this dark here before.

When she gets to the center circle Tobin is smiling at her and kicks the ball between her legs and Christen scoffs fondly.

“I wasn’t ready.”

“Nobody ever is.”

She hums at that with a smile that is starting to hurt her cheeks and looks around the dark quiet space. It’s silent besides the breeze and a she can hear the trees when they move gently. The campus is silent and the warm yellow lights of the rooms of the students makes a pretty backdrop to a pitch black field. She closes her eyes and breathes the night air and she wishes it were a safe thing to be out here every night at this time alone so she can sit in the circle and get lost in her mind. 

She realizes she’s gotten lost in her own head again when she feels Tobin’s hand on her forearm and she looks over to see the eyes that she can feel are soft right now but she can’t see them the way she’d like to without the lights.

She makes a mental note to bring Tobin back to this very spot when the sun is out so she can piece the two scenes together. 

“Here.” She says softly as she sits in the circle and lays on her back.

“Look.” She says pointing to the dark night sky inviting Christen to copy the movement.

So she does, she sits to the right of Tobin and lays on her back and the first thing she does is feel the pitch underneath her body and feels the ends of the cold grass behind her neck and she closes her eyes. Tobin doesn’t let her stay like that for long like she did the first time and Christen finds she’s okay with being interrupted.

“Open them.” She whispers to her and Christen can feel the lightest touch of a thumb across her eyebrow and make a path down her cheek. She’s so close now and she can faintly smell her when she inhales and she wants to bottle the smell forever.

She also has now opened her eyes and she can’t believe she’s never seen this before. The stars are unbelievably bright and she can see every single one of them. Every time she has ever been on the pitch with the night sky like this it’s been accompanied by the bright stadium lights. Which she now realizes are obnoxious. She thinks they should just play like this.

Before she realizes it, a cold tear is running down the side of her cheek and she doesn’t feel it until it’s ready to drip down off her face. She knows it’s too dark for Tobin to see it and she’s never been so grateful for the dark before. She feels vulnerable and free and anytime she’s ever felt like this in front of another person they roll their eyes at her or like Kelley call her a coo coo bird. She understands it, understands the people who don’t find peace in the simple things like the air around them and trees.

She has a feeling Tobin is more like her than not, but she can’t be too sure, moments like these are too delicate to be ruined. They sit like that for a while and she thinks Tobin may have even fallen asleep at one point but when she listens for it carefully enough she can hear her fingers moving probably behind her own head.

When they finally get up Christen takes the ball and hides it between two of the bleachers mentally promising to get their ball Monday and starts the walk back to the apartment.

Tobin is walking with her hands in her pockets and Christen wishes she could grab her hand again but doesn’t want to overwhelm the girl who looks like she felt more emotions in the last two hours than she has in her entire life.

She wonders what it’s like to be in Tobin’s shoes, to be less emotional and be more focused on herself. Tobin probably doesn’t bend over backwards for every single person in her life and accommodate their every need at the slightest inconvenience. She wonders what a life like that would be like.

She wonders if Tobin wonders the same about her. She probably doesn’t, who the hell would welcome the stress after not having it for so long. Tobin just walks into every game like it’s nothing and makes the plays of her life and then leaves. She may not even know how to care about another human being properly, she wonders how she treats her friends.

Christen remembers one summer youth camp they had a mutual friend from Canada who came to play named Sidney. She remembers the Canadian once telling her at the end of camp that Tobin was one of the most ideal friendships she’s ever made being that Sid herself wasn’t very emotional, Christen figured it’s because they were practical together on and off the field that summer.

She thinks making Tobin talk about feelings is like making a child eat their peas. 

Tobin tried to express some of her feelings tonight and it seems it almost ended in a near mental breakdown for her and she could tell the girl wanted to run. 

How the hell do you make a friendship with that or even worse a relation-

“I’ll walk you up.” 

Tobin is ever the gentlewomen when she uses Christen’s ID card and holds the door open for Christen to walk in and then follows her up the stairs. She unlocks the door with the keys she took and peaks inside and hands them to Christen with a soft smile. 

“Thank you for trusting me.” She says softly and looks around the empty hall.

Christen thinks maybe she can get Tobin to kiss her if she thinks of a good enough reply but before she can even start Tobin is slowly leaning in and Christen flutters her eyes and is surprised to realize how bad she’s wanted this.

Tobin’s kiss lands on her left cheek but she feels the other girl nuzzle so softly into her that her eyelashes tickle Christen’s face.

She looks down ready to be a little embarrassed at possibly being caught, wanting that to be placed somewhere else. She thinks of how gentle her lips were on her cheek and how soft they look right now. If she could just-

“Thank you for tonight.” She breaks her own thought. It’s so soft it’s almost whispered and it’s a little raspier than usual due to the lack of use the last hour.

Tobin looks like if Christen told her that every night in that exact way she’d do it all over again from the beginning.

Tobin waits for her to open the apartment door fully and she turns around slowly to leave and she imagines the girl waited until the door clicked to finally walk down the stairs. 

Christen decides to leave the keys behind the plant on their floor that night and text JJ. The comfort of her own bed will complete the night and maintain the relaxed feeling she feels in her bones. When she finally cleans up and gets back to her apartment and smells the familiar smell of home she feels deeply relaxed and practically collapses onto her bed. 

She falls asleep that night to the ghost feeling of a warm hand in hers and a gentle thumb on her left eyebrow. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading.


	6. Sun Confessions.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mal is an nfl legend and C is still trying her best.

  
“Wow.”

A quiet pause.

“That’s..”

Nothing.

“Yeah.”

Silence.

Christen looks around the room while she drinks her tea, a fresh crossword from the Clifford newspaper on her lap.

She came over to JJ’s Sunday late morning to give her and Ali the full rundown of the night before. She looks at them both and gives them a scolding half smile.

They look like they just sat through a 4 hour movie only to get a sad ending and Christen can’t blame them but she’d be lying if she said it wasn’t a good night.

“So.. she didn’t even kiss you.. what a-“

“Ali.”

“Sorry but what the hell she probably dry humps the lady at her checkout line but she didn’t even _kiss_ someone she’s apparently distracted by.” The last part is said in what she thinks is meant to be Tobin’s voice but sounds like a brain dead surfer.

She knows what Ali is feeling, a bit of impatience and anxiety for the whole situation.

“She’s either completely whipped for you or just wants a friend out of this, there’s no in between.” JJ snorts. “I guess women really aren’t easier to read than men.”

“If she wants you to be her friend we can work with that too.” Ali reasons, “She just needs to be attached in some way.” 

JJ raises her eyebrows like Ali is a psychopath and Christen remains silent in the corner thinking about the different plans they have. As much as she thinks the other soccer captain has had things handed to her, she thinks if something happened to her becoming a draft pick because of this, she’d never forgive herself. She just wants to help her team have a better chance to have a perfect season and hopefully win it all finally. If she can knock Brookwall out by messing with Tobin for a couple games and ruining their perfect record she’ll do it.

What she won’t do, is ruin Tobin’s entire life, nobody deserves that. 

Christen decides to swiftly change the subject after she feels she’s exhausted it since she woke up and came over.

“Well as much as I love Kelley’s chicken cutlets I’m excited to try your mac and cheese today.” She says pouting at JJ, “which I am so hungry for like right now.” 

“It’s 1:00 in the afternoon, Christen. It’s not happening.” 

She sighs dramatically, “Well I should probably go ask Kelley if she’ll feed me then, until _dinner_.” She says while getting up and throwing a pillow effectively hitting JJ in the face. Ali laughs at their shenanigans and cuddles further into JJ’s couch, probably not moving until much later.

Christen says her goodbyes and walks to her and Kelley’s place when she receives a call from a lobster emoji. She can’t remember who it is off the top of her head and tries to figure it out by the third ring but when she can’t, she answers happily anyway humming a distracted greeting looking for her keys.

“Hey, Christen it’s Jesse. Zack’s friend from that thing.”

“Oh! Hey Jesse what’s up.” She laughs thinking about how he probably put it because of her Larry the lobster joke. 

“I was actually wondering if you wanted to hangout tonight, some of the soccer girls will be there too, Alex and them. I heard Kelley is going and I wasn’t sure if she was bringing you so I wanted to ask myself.” Christen freezes at that but tries to recover nonchalantly. 

“Oh, I actually don’t remember if she told me or not, what is it again?”

“It’s a scrimmage game a lot of our players do on Sunday’s, boys v girls and everything.” He laughs, “girls win more often than us at flag football to be honest, and we grill.” He continues.

“That’s actually really sweet.. I’ll see if I can make it Jesse, thank you.” She genuinely is happy about being invited and making a friend from the rival school.

The rivalry has existed between certain sports for ages but the friendships that have been made between the two schools have always been a nice part of their coexisting schools. Jesse hangs up with a sweet goodbye when she’s putting her keys on the kitchen island looking for Kelley.

She finds her face down on the couch with her arms under her head watching shark tank. Christen decides casual is good. Maybe Kelley didn’t tell her because she’s not going. She lifts Kelley’s legs up and pats her butt in greeting getting a grunt from the freckled defender. 

“What should we do tonight after dinner?” She asks as casual as she can get. When she feels the girl physically stiffen under her hands where they’re placed drumming on her legs she gets the answer she was looking for.

She purposely kept this from her. This isn’t like Kelley and the thought instantly makes Christen upset, deciding to go the honest route at this point. She gets up from the couch moving half of Kelley’s body with her. Kelley regains position and sits up with her eyebrows furrowed at Christen about to ask what’s wrong when Christen beats her to it.

“What the hell is going on with you and Alex?” And the question shocks her a little too, but she’s not dumb. She saw the way she was at the fire that night and she figures the only reason she wouldn’t tell Christen about tonight is she wanted to do it again with no wandering eyes around from people she knows. 

Kelley looks equally as pissed as she looks guilty but she doesn’t back down and Christen is the first person to know that. 

“What about you and Tobin?” She shoots back.

Christen stares at her unmoving and unaffected already knowing Kelley was picking up the hints but waiting for it to be something more than it is to tell her. She starts walking away feeling upset that their friendship for the first time in their lives feels second to everything else. 

Kelley follows her through the hallway and continues to challenge her, “Pierre does all of Crystal's essays, you lied to me yesterday.” Christen grimaces at that hoping Kelley doesn’t-

“You’re so scared to tell me about her that you bring her to other places?” Kelley is absolutely livid now and she knows the next part before she even says it, “She has used girls around us our entire lives and you still-” 

“Alex has a fucking boyfriend at home.” She challenges before she opens the door to her room and slams it. She immediately regrets the harsh words in case Kelley didn’t know that, but she had to know about Servando.

Everybody knows.

She hears Kelley leave the apartment calmly and she snaps. How are both of these girls becoming powerful enough to have them fighting for the first time?

—

When JJ texts the team group chat that she’s made 3 dishes of mac and cheese, she’s no longer all that hungry. She decides to go over anyway in hopes that Kelley will be there. When she walks up the flight of stairs with her hair in a messy bun and light bags under her eyes she sees Kelley sitting on the top platform, she hopes waiting for her.

“Come here.” Kelley opens her arms to her tired friend and Christen crumbles into her when she sits next to her practically on her lap. Apologies are whispered into her hair and she thinks she hears a mumbled _I didn’t know._

“That she had a boyfriend?” Christen sniffles. 

“She told me they were over.” Kelley scoffs. “I called her and asked about it when I left and she said she can’t leave him or she’ll have nobody for the stupid season or something, whatever that means.” And Christen knows exactly what that means.

If Alex leaves her boyfriend now she imagines she’s thinking of all the lonely nights she’ll have until the season ends because of Tobin’s stupid rule. 

What Alex doesn’t know is that rule might mean nothing soon anyway. 

She scratches Kelley’s head and snuggles into her neck and apologizes for her part of this.

“I don’t like this thing with Heath.. I don’t get it. But I will always have your back. I wish you would have told me.” Comes Kelley’s quiet confession

“I don’t know what the thing is yet. It’s complicated. That’s why I didn’t tell you yet.” She knows it’s an excuse but she also knows she can’t tell her the full truth no matter what she does.

That she’s doing this for the team. 

Kelley takes it anyway, the loving soul she is. She brings Christen up with her and they fall back into their regular banter, laughing and walking into JJ’s place for some promised Mac and cheese.

It’s a good night from there, half of the team has apparently shown up and they all spend the rest of the afternoon laughing and watching sports highlights making fun of each other. Kelley steps outside when she gets a call as it’s getting late and if Christen had one guess she thinks she’d get it no problem. 

Christen closes the sliding door behind her breathing in the city air quietly. “She wants you to go tonight.”

“Yeah.” Kelley breathes out shakily. “I can’t explain it but it just feels different with her.” There’s not an ounce of judgment from Christen with this confession and Kelley knows that.

“Why don’t you go and lay it out for her then. If she doesn’t leave him then.. she can’t have you too.”

“Yeah. Yeah I know.” Kelley sighs. “Do you want to..”

“No I’ll stay here.”

“Tobin’s there, I heard Alex ask her to tag in.”

Christen’s listening now. 

Tobin hasn’t texted her all day, figuring it’s up to her to make the next move she’s stayed silent as well. She’s not sure if Tobin feels awkward about last night or if she maybe truly does just look at Christen as a friend she always wanted.

Christen thinks about the girls behind her inside and how full they are of mac and cheese.

“They’re not exactly ready for flag football, are they?”

Kelley laughs at that.

“Not at all.”

—

  
In the end, they decide to only bring a car full of the girls. JJ, Sammy, Mal and Rose tag along with them and Kelley mumbles something about rookies to the steering wheel.

When they get to the lit up field with a decent amount of people, JJ gets out first looking for Zack and his friends in the parking lot.

Christen focuses on finding Tobin and she imagines Kelley is doing the same for Alex. Luckily her friend doesn’t have to look long when Alex appears from the side of a car and ushers Kelley over to where she’s walking towards the top of the hill overlooking the scrimmages below.

Christen briefly thinks if Alex hurts Kelley tonight she’ll personally block every shot the girl makes for the rest of her life. Defender or not.

Christen looks around for a while and walks to the field with the rookie players and when they meet with the few girls they like on the other lacrosse team they all get a big group of girls to play a game of flag football. Sonny puts her arm around Christen when she spots her and tells her she’s fresh meat on this field making Christen laugh and push her off happily with a challenge in her eyes. 

“Let’s go Sonnett.”

Lindsey is throwing for their team and Christen recognizes two other girls who don’t play soccer who went to her high school are playing as well. They play for a while and they eventually become the most watched game so everybody starts to gather on the hills around to watch the game getting more into it as it continues. She’s playing defense for her team now effectively blocking two passes that were meant for Sonny and she can tell the other girl is impressed.

She’s by far the fastest girl on the field when she grabs almost every player's flag that makes it past her team. 

When they have a second to catch their breath Christen catches Kelley in the corner of her eye watching with Alex closer to the game now and she sees a soft smile on Kelley’s face and thinks the talk must’ve gone well. When she sees Alex reach back to hold onto Kelley’s pocket and whisper in her ear, she knows it did.

She feels at peace at the moment and she thinks the only thing missing from tonight is Tobin. 

She scans the area for the girl one more time and when she finally spots her in the lot against her truck she instantly feels a little relief at knowing the girl is in fact there tonight.

She’s about to take her bright yellow pinnie off and walk over to see Tobin when she sees her lean against the back of her truck with her hands tangled with another girls and then she’s smiling and kissing the girl with her hands on her face and the other girls hands on her neck and Christen feels a sharp pang. She thinks she must look like a broken toy when she has to look away and sees the scene she’s about to make because Kelley is now looking at where Christen’s eyesight was and she looks like she’s going to rip Tobin’s throat out.

Christen doesn’t realize she’s going to cry until her vision is blurry and then-

She sees nothing but fuzz in her right eye and her ass hits the floor. She was either hit with the football when the game started back up or god has finally decided to put her out of her misery. 

As imagined, the _oohs_ from the majority of the crowd draw even more attention to her but she couldn’t care less if she tried. Sonny is running over to her the fastest when she sees a few guys come over to help as well and feels Kelley‘s comforting hand on her knee. She doesn’t care anyway, if she’s honest she can’t even feel her face.

She just wants to go home. 

Mal apologizes profusely and Christen isn’t sure why she’s so adamant until she realizes she threw the ball and it makes her laugh. It makes her laugh because the way her nights going, it only makes sense that her teammate she brought can throw a football like she’s in the nfl. 

When she gets a bag of ice from one of the male students there she thanks him and he softly smiles at her probably feeling the embarrassment for her. She sees Jesse to the right of her and hears him but she can’t actually make out what he’s saying.

She just wants to go home.

When she’s sitting on the hill by Kelley’s car she lets her take the ice bag off and check it and she grimaces and Christen figures it must be bruising already. 

“You know, it’s not _that_ bad.”

“Then why are you making that face.”

“This is just my face, Christen.”

And she looks to the left of Kelley and sees Alex fondly watching the interaction and she thinks, at least Kelley is happy. If the only reason she was meant to be here tonight was for Kelley to fix things with Alex, then she’d get hit with a few more footballs for it.

Kelley clicks her tongue in sympathy and rubs Christen’s back with a sigh. 

“You wanna go home, huh?” Kelley whispers so only Christen can hear and she nods in reply keeping the tears at bay hoping she can’t see the glistening with the field lights in her eyes.

But she can. 

Christen thinks she never wants to come to this school or this part of town ever again when a tear slips out and she sees Kelley whisper something to Alex. 

Christen doesn’t want to watch them anymore so she starts to get up and almost fumbles back down when an arm steadies her. She figures it’s Jesse but when she catches Kelley’s look in the corner of her eye she knows exactly who it is. 

Tobin immediately has one hand on her face and the other on Christen’s hand on top of the bag of ice when she’s looking her over.

“Are you okay? I didn’t know-“

Kelley immediately walks over before she can finish and shoves her off of Christen. 

Kelley has never been one for physical fighting but she’s shocked to find that her fist is balled up and Alex looks as shocked as Christen feels.

“What the hell is your problem, dude?” Tobin to her credit looks completely confused at the situation.

Kelley starts getting her pointer finger out and Christen knows it’s time to leave and she tries to signal Alex with her eyes.

Well, her eye. 

Alex gets the look and has her hand wrapped around Kelley’s bicep in record time whispering in her ear. 

Kelley shakes Alex’s hand off but starts walking away nonetheless and has her arm around Christen to guide her to her car. When she sees Alex’s face before she’s fully turned around she sees a look Christen would normally give Kelley when she did something wrong being sent Tobin’s way.

At the very least Tobin will maybe get a little scolding from this whole thing. 

And really, Tobin didn’t do anything wrong.

It’s not her fault at all. In fact it’s Christen’s fault that they’re here at all. 

She will probably never be what Tobin Heath is looking for. 

The thought brings more tears and Kelley cooes in her ear bringing her around the car. 

She just wants to go home.

—

  
  


“Hey rocky.” 

“Kelley, I’m asking you nicely to stop calling me that.”

Kelley ignores her opening the trunk to her car grabbing her practice bag. 

“Also I can get my own bag, I didn’t break my arms.” She explains grabbing the bag from her friend. Kelley doesn’t let go of said bag and slaps Christen’s hands away.

“It’s like.. a vision thing. You can only see the left side, you’re gonna hit something with it. Something possibly being my car.”

Christen rolls her eyes at the dumbest explanation ever given and let’s it go for the sake of some silence.

It’s a pretty day out, the sun is beaming down onto the pitch and the air is crisp and light. Christen sighs and takes her shoes off for the rest of the walk on the grass feeling it underneath her feet. When she hears Kelley put their bags down she looks up at the sun asking for a day as calm as the air feels. She finds herself in the middle of the pitch and when she looks down she feels red hot anger crawl up her neck.

She hates that she let Tobin imprint a memory here for her. She tries not to misplace the anger and direct it at the other captain but it’s become increasingly difficult when each time she feels anger, that’s the only face she sees. She looks back up and puts her hands out trying to warm them up as much as her neck to even it out when she can hear the ding from her bag and grimaces.

Kelley looks at the bag with a raised eyebrow.

“You can block numbers, you know.”

“Then I wouldn’t be able to see what’s for dinner on Sunday’s.” 

Kelley takes the hint and laughs at the good comeback with an excited dance. “You’re getting so good at that, my young prodigy.” She says as she starts setting up the drills before the others get here.

The truth of the matter is that Tobin has only texted her once since it happened. It was a quick apology text she sent right after the one missed call that night but Kelley doesn’t know that.

Kelley thinks Tobin has probably texted her or called her plenty of times since, but she’d be wrong and Christen doesn’t care to correct her. 

She thinks Tobin has rid herself of her faster than she could have ever imagined and if she’s honest with herself, truly honest with herself, it hurts. 

She knows it shouldn’t, logically the entire almost friendship was based off of Christen wanting to sabotage their team anyway. 

So what type of double standard is she really running here.

All Tobin did was her usual thing, something she’s done throughout their entire lives. 

The first time she heard about Tobin Heath and another girl was when one of the prettiest girls on their team came back to their locker room to gush over how sweet and caring the girl was and then to everyone’s shock she mentioned how they had hooked up and Christen remembers the small fire inside of her that day.  
  
She figures it’s because Tobin came out before Christen ever even thought about her sexuality. 

It’s continued just like that ever since. 

She goes over to her bag to check what picture of a dog from Instagram her dad probably sent her when she sees JJ’s text. 

**JJ** _(3:07 PM)_ :  
Incoming 

“Incoming.. what a thing to text with no context.” Christen mumbles to herself and texts back a quick question mark to get to the bottom of it as fast as possible. When she sees JJ’s bubble pop up that signals she’s started typing she hears tires in the parking lot against the gravel and figures that’s probably her anyway.

She looks up and she hates JJ for not sending one more letter in her text.

All she needed was a T and she would have fled.

Tobin’s truck pulls up and when she gets out of it, Christen looks to her left to see where Kelley is. 

Thankfully Kelley is setting up a mini practice resistant band area and Christen thinks as fast as she can to stop the scene she sees in her head from happening.

Tobin closes her truck door and she knows Kelley heard it. When she looks back Kelley is trying to find Christen’s eyes right away and Christen communicates that she’s got this. She huffs out a breath at her life.

She realizes if JJ knew about Tobin coming to the field she must have stopped at the apartment first looking for her and she wonders why she didn’t just call her again if she was going to do all of this. When she reaches Tobin she finally takes her in and she looks soft and open and Christen thinks this is the part that has girls believing everything she says. 

“I’m sorry for showing up here, I tried to call but-“

“You called once. The night I went home exhausted and sore.”

“I know.” She says softly and she has the decency to look guilty. Christen looks away and Tobin reaches her hand towards her face to probably get a better look at the faint black and blue spot left but Christen moves back a step. 

“Chris..” The nickname slips from her lips like she’s said it before but she never has and Christen hates that she’s probably using it to smuggle her way in. She’s smart and charming, she’ll give her that. 

“I have to go.” She says as she starts walking back down to the field. 

“I’m scared.” Tobin rushes out to say as Christen doesn’t stop, she continues walking. She absolutely expected her to pull the scared card, she’s seen enough movies to know that it usually works but Christen wants off this damn train ride so she keeps walking.

“Christen, there’s so much you don’t know, I can’t just get into something right now and-“

She turns around quickly to stop Tobin from following her and puts her in her place. “Then why the hell are you here?” She spits. 

“Because I can't stop thinking about you.” And it’s a line, another line that she knew was coming and so she scoffs and keeps walking and waves her off.

The only sound around them is her feet against the crisp grass swiftly moving to their destination. The only thing she focuses on is the clear blue sky and the feeling of the warm sun on her skin and she promises to not look back. It’s this moment she decides she will never let herself desire a human being this deeply in her life, soaked through her bones and making her feel useless to everything else. 

“Do you remember the ninja turtle’s valentine you got sent to your house in ninth grade?” 

That stops her. 

She does remember it. She also remembers bringing it to school on Monday and asking all of her guy friends if they did it, she also remembers one of them saying they did. It was the sweetest thing that happened to her yet.

“It was me.” 

The silent air around them feels almost dangerous and has Christen scared to even breathe the wrong way. 

“My mom, I asked my mom.” Tobin starts and stops here clearly trying to place the words as fast as she can looking as stressed as she’s ever seen her.

“To get your address, I mean. I couldn’t give it to you in person and I told her that. So she got your mom’s number from the PTA list and got it.” She continues and Christen doesn’t make even the slightest of movement.

Tobin looks exhausted when Christen scans her face and she feels a pang of sympathy for reducing her to this mess in front of her.

There’s a pause and a subtle change in the air between them.

“I spent all night painting it and when I got to practice Monday I heard you talk about how Jordan Matthews sent it.” Christen remembers it perfectly from their district youth soccer club and she feels sick. He must have lied and- she feels absolutely _mournful_ because all these years-

Tears instantly rush out of her eyes and she’s overwhelmed with the past but she’s mostly thinking about what she’s done to their future. She spent so many years pretending she didn’t exist and now she’s- oh my god she only started a relationship to ruin her season and when Ali and JJ find this out they’re gonna think it’s the jackpot and she feels like she’s going to puke.

Tobin walks over to her but stops before she touches her, asking for permission after the tantrum Christen has thrown today. Christen feels like she is going to die if she doesn’t fall into Tobin so she apologizes to her for everything she’s done in the form of closing the distance between them and she wraps herself around the other girl the way she wishes she could for all these years.

The tears don’t stop as she latches on to any part of Tobin the girl will allow and she nuzzles into her neck inhaling the scent she’s wanted to smell from the source since she first smelled it. Soft apologies are whispered into her hair and she thinks this girl could stop a war from happening if she wanted to. 

Tobin pulls back slowly to rest her forehead against Christen’s when her hands come up to wipe the tears off her cheeks. 

“I can’t promise you much..” She whispers and it sounds like a prayer to Christen. “But if you’re patient.. I can try to figure this out.” She thinks Tobin doesn’t ask for things often but she’s asking her to be patient and Christen doesn’t know what to say because if this works out-

It still won’t ever work out. Not when Tobin finds out what brought them together. So Christen just nods not really knowing what she’s agreeing to but deciding, whatever Tobin wants right now she can have. 

Tobin pulls back and her hands are rubbing soothing patterns through the base of Christen’s neck and plays with the baby hairs there and she thinks she’s ready for bed. Tobin’s looking around and probably realizes there are 3 other cars parked that weren’t there earlier and Christen can practically feel the way Tobin’s body shutters out of embarrassment.

Tobin may have had a decently public sex life but the girl has never, in all the years Christen has known her, been one to be publicly open about her affections. To Christen’s knowledge Tobin has never been in a serious relationship before or anything close to it.

She can sense the anxiety radiating off the other girl and figures the least she can do is reassure her that they won’t say anything but then she remembers that she can’t promise that at all. In fact she could promise that eventually somebody _is_ going to say something.

She leans her head back and stares up at the sky thanking it for giving her Tobin but praying that it’ll take care of Tobin herself after this. 

She feels the girls eyes on her and can physically feel her body relax as Christen’s does but when she opens her eyes to look, Tobin is still looking around them wearily. The other captain softly detaches herself from Christen and takes a small step back. She’s got her hands deep in her pockets and her eyes downcast thoroughly avoiding everything but the pavement beneath them.

Christen looks behind her after physically feeling eyes on her and sees her teammates snap their necks trying to look away before her eyes can meet their own sheepish ones. She sighs out a soft scoff and asks any higher power what she’s meant to do next with the girl in front of her. 

She isn’t surprised to hear Tobin clear her throat, clearly getting ready to bolt nearing what looks to be an emotional shut down. What leaves the soft pretty lips of the girl in front of her isn’t the excuse she was expecting though.

“Do you think.. can we meet here tomorrow night?” It comes out quiet and unsure like she’s not even sure what she’s asking. “Late like last time, 9? Is that okay?” She continues on through it and Christen is still letting the words sink in. “You don’t have to.. I know you have classes the next day and it’s late you-“ 

“Okay.”

Tobin lets out a long sigh at that and looks back down to her shoes and kicks them for good measure. She moves the palms of her hands into her eyes briefly and looks at her truck.

Christen doesn’t like that she’s made a mess of Tobin in this way, there’s this romantic fantasy of bringing a wild thing to its knees and Christen thinks she never wants to do that to _her_.

She lightly grabs Tobin’s right forearm and soothes over her pulse point with her thumb when she forces a more calming smile than she feels for the girls sake. She waits for her eyes to meet hers and she can see the swirling of reluctant emotions in them. 

“I’ll see you tomorrow.” Christen smiles at her and trails her fingers down her arm as she lets her go trying to communicate that she’ll be okay. Tobin looks a little calmer than she was and she nods and gives her a small answering smile.

Christen walks away slowly at first and when she finally turns around she hears Tobin’s truck pull out and she’s thankful the other captain is finally able to breathe in her own space. 

She doesn’t meet any of her teammates eyes when she goes back to grab her bag and searches for Kelley and finds her by the goal post and hopes Kelley will allow her to process everything before she has to answer questions.

She comes to a stop close to her and tries to figure out what to say and settles for the truth but before she can get it out, Kelley is handing her keys over with a kiss to her cheek.

She understands.

Always has.

Christen drives home and prays for answers. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope all is well at home.


	7. Warm Moon.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The gay train has left the station but C doesn’t know where it’s going.

When Christen gets home she calls her dad for comfort, she talks about his days and the dogs. She tells him what she can about her life even though she knows she’s missing a large Tobin shaped piece.

She tells him what she’s been feeling without telling him why, and explains her anti stress tactics aren’t working as well as they used to. She feels the weight of the world on her shoulders and he can’t understand fully why but imagines just being a developing adult in the world is enough of a reason.

She takes her dad's recommendation and starts a warm bath like she did when she was younger. 

He reminds her that when she was little and upset her mother would freeze food coloring ice cubes and give them to her to play with in the bath.

She thinks she’s going to go to the store and get some food coloring later while a few tears escape. When she’s in her bath she breathes in the light scent of the candles burning on the ledge and shuts her phone ringer off trying to check out of the world.

Last year, after everything slipped through their fingers and they went home empty handed, Christen remembers Kelley motivating the group through it, keeping them together.

This season has to be different, this season they have to be picked up. There’s been whispers about the draft and the top scorers of both Brookwall and Clifford have been mentioned but it’s all just media.

They’ll never actually know until they get the call. She doesn’t know what she’ll end up doing if it doesn’t work out but she knows she’ll never be as happy as she could be playing.

She knows there’s nothing like hearing the first whistle blow for her. 

She also knows it’s the same for Ashlyn. 

And Kelley. 

And also.. Tobin.

She has to think of Tobin’s life when she takes all of this into consideration because the fact of it is, when she takes all of her walls down she knows how she feels about the other captain. 

How she’s felt since-

Her phone vibrates and when she turns it around to look while she grabs a dry wash cloth to dry her hands, she sees that it’s Tobin. She decides she isn’t going to be surprised when she opens the text and it’s filled with regret and an excuse to back out of tomorrow night. She opens it with a slow breath and a clear head.

 **Tobin** _(4:38 PM):_  
Tomorrow night at 9, I’ll be at your field. Eat a light dinner please.

Not exactly what she was expecting.

Tobin wants her to eat light so she can run, she assumes. After she spends her day in classes and trains with the girls.

Granted, Tobin probably doesn’t realize yet that Christen is doing intense training during her week. She figures maybe Tobin just wants to run around playing 1v1 for a little. She wonders how much they’ll be able to see in the dark.

She thinks if it’s anything like last weekend, not much. 

Perhaps that’s the fun in it. 

She texts back with a simple _see you then_ and prepares for the night ahead when Kelley inevitably comes back with JJ and Ali in tow.

She goes further into the bath and tries to ignore the heavy feeling in her heart. If she were to tell Ali and JJ the truth that Tobin is more invested in this than they even thought.. than _she_ could have ever imagined, they’ll want to utilize it against her.   
  
She blows out an exhausted breath.

She focuses on the warmth of the bath for now.   
  


—

She’s right in a sense.

Kelley returns home when Christen is making tea in the kitchen sitting on the counter and watching chopped across the room. JJ and Ali are in fact, both trailing behind the freckled defender.

Kelley as she expects is exhausted and grabs the water Christen set out for her and kisses her cheek as she leaves the room to probably crash for the rest of the night.

Kelley usually knows when it’s talking time and when it’s space time, usually pretty in touch with Christen’s feelings.

She knows Kelley tried to persuade the other two girls that she wouldn’t open up tonight, and typically she’d be right but what Kelley doesn’t know is the two girls she brought are owed an explanation so they can figure it out together.

What she doesn’t expect is for Ali to come close to her right side and bring her into a hug as Christen complies putting her arms around her neck. Ali holds her as if to protect her and she knows her friends must have heard more than she thought they did.

She tries to think back to the cars in the lot behind them and if Ali or JJ’s was one of them but she can’t remember.

They sit together quietly whispering the day's events and Christen fills in the blanks they have and they drink tea and she doesn’t feel pressured at all.

Somewhere along the line she forgot these two girls were some of her closest friends and not some..

“I’m sorry this has all been so hard on you.” Ali whispers out to her genuinely.

“I just wish I had known.” Christen answers honestly.

“Do you think she’ll forgive you?” JJ asks her with sad eyes. 

“No.”

JJ and Ali both look confused at that.

“You’re going to try though, right? I mean the way you were with her today you-“

“I don’t know what I’m going to do. Nothing has changed for our team and if I’m already going to lose..” she trails off not meaning to say the last part and definitely not about to finish it.

Her cheeks flush and she swallows looking at her empty cup.

Silence fills the room.

She can tell Ali understands what she’s trying to say but JJ is still pondering.

If she’s going to lose Tobin anyway, she should take whatever good memories she can get from the time they spend together and keep the plan in place. She’s gone back and forth with it in her head all night but the reality of it is, Tobin won’t forgive her.

If she backs out now she loses either way, if she stays with the plan the hope that Tobin will never find out warms her entire body. She could help her own season and her friends and win Tobin all together. 

It’s possible. It’s the only way it’s possible.

If she doesn’t keep the plan and tries with Tobin, the thought of what could have been will loom over her everyday and if the girl finds out she leaves her regardless. 

It’s take the chance and help the team _or_ take the chance and do nothing for the team. She’s already started it, she’s already in it. 

“Chris, she might forgive you now if you don’t-“

“She won’t.”

She’s sure of it.

“If I stop now and tell her she’s going to feel used. It’s the only reason we ever started talking. It’s too late.” She states and it’s not up for discussion.

She knows Tobin.

Better than they ever have.

For the girl to open up to her and share her feelings and emotions with her, she’s too vulnerable, especially now, she won’t forgive her and she definitely won’t be able to forget it. 

“Hopefully she still wants me when the season starts for them and someone will start the rumor through their club and.. then we’ll do it that way. I can’t pretend to cheat on her. I won’t do that, that’s the only change.” 

Christen made the realization in the bath earlier that she couldn’t fathom knowing Tobin would be somewhere in this world thinking that she was cheated on.

Especially if this is Tobin’s first time trying to commit to somebody, if she makes it through that for her, Christen refuses to throw it in her face.

She hopes she won’t have to affect the games at all through their actual relationship.

They both nod in agreement thoughtfully at the statement.

“And I don’t want anybody else to ever know about this. Not even Zack or Ashlyn. It’s us three only, It’s my best shot.” She says the last part into her hands. 

JJ walks over to rub her back soothingly and Ali brushes the hair out of her face and behind her ear. 

“Just the three of us.” Ali agrees softly and she feels JJ nod at that.

Just the three of them.

—

  
  
When Christen wakes up the next morning she spends time before her first class meditating on the fire escape.

The cold morning breeze tells her the day will be beautiful and she believes it wholeheartedly. She wakes Kelley up with a breakfast bar thrown at her face and Kelley gets up to chase her and to be expected, falls back into her bed with a grunt.

“Next time, Press.” Christen laughs all the way to the door. 

Her classes go by a bit slower today she notices and her brain continues to wander to a mess of chestnut hair and warm soft hands she wants to trace the veins of. 

When she gets to the pitch that day and puts her bag down she makes a mental note to go a bit easier than usual to conserve the energy she’ll need to kick around with Tobin tonight on the same pitch.

Kelley however, isn’t allowing that. She’s pushing her as hard as usual and she may be complying but she can feel the future soreness already. 

Not for one to typically take ice baths after training, she is first in line _today_ while Kelley dumps the bags in the tub for her at home. 

“There’s no way you’re going to get through this.” Kelley laughs at her and Christen hits her shoulder as she uses the same shoulder to help her into the bath.

Christen will never admit it but she has never been so close to letting Kelley be right before as her body feels like it’s so cold she’s been frozen alive. 

When the night goes on with no text from Tobin, she doesn’t want to text her and bother her. The problem is.. Christen doesn’t know if Tobin brought a ball or if she wants any equipment. She thinks maybe she’ll take the stuff out of Kelley’s trunk and put it in hers just in case. 

When it hits 8:40 she feels nervous and she doesn’t know why, it’s just Tobin. The real version of both of them now, well mostly.

She has every intention of being honest with Tobin from here on out minus the obvious things she will never utter. Christen thought ahead and brought extra gloves and a jacket for Tobin in case the girl forgot how the night chill was behind the trees this late.

Christen definitely thought of it, she has her playing gloves on under her black long sleeve old jersey and she’s wearing her Nike soccer shorts but has a pair of sweats over them for the option.

When she’s transferred the equipment and quietly returned Kelley’s keys she gets in her car and makes the really short drive to the field lot.

She hopes she’ll leave tonight with a few of Tobin’s signature tricks up her sleeve and she’ll put them away and keep them forever with her. When she gets to the parking lot she sees Tobin’s white truck with dark rims already there and empty.

Christen gets out and brings just her bag with her not wanting to bring any equipment in case Tobin will think it’s strange she didn’t just ask her if she needed it.

It’s dark but not as dark as the only other night they were here, probably because it was a few hours later that night by the time they made it to the field. It is definitely a little chilly though, and she’s glad she brought her warmer gear and extras for backup. 

When she walks down for a full view of the pitch she sees a figure standing with the light of a phone screen and below her is more light. Tobin brought small lights for the field so they can see the ball and as fun as playing in darkness sounds, she knows Tobin is smart for bringing it.

Although the light isn’t all that bright she thinks.

As she walks towards the girl when she makes it on the pitch she realizes three things. 

The first thing is that the lights she saw are plastic candles.

The second is Tobin is wearing a hoodie and ripped jeans, no soccer gear in sight.

The third is that when Tobin finally spots her, she freezes and she’s giving her the most confused look she's ever seen from the girl.

Considering how often she confuses her, that’s definitely something.

Christen immediately thinks back to the text she sent her asking her to eat a light dinner and spots the pizza box on a.. yeah that’s a blanket. 

Christen’s gloved hands are immediately covering her face and she thinks if she runs back to the car and dresses normal and comes back, maybe Tobin will think she hallucinated.

When she hears Tobin’s soft melodic laughter she looks through the gloved fingers on her face and can see Tobin’s smirk in the glow of the small soft yellow lights below them and whatever’s left from the sky.

Once again Christen doesn’t know what to do now that she’s already humiliated herself.

She feels her shoulder lose the weight of her bag and realizes Tobin must’ve come closer to bring her out of her misery and she’s thankful. Tobin takes her bag from her and tries to find Christen’s eyes that are looking around the pitch slowly trying to find her explanation.  
  
She feels Tobin’s eyes on her and she wants to look but also she feels kind of dumb at the moment.

“If it helps, you do always look good in a kit.” She whispers to her and Christen thinks all the breath was taken from her lungs.

“We can play later if you’d like, but for now the pizza is still hot.” She finishes with a blinding smile and Christen can see it, even in this lighting.

Christen scoffs at the idea of playing after all of this and Tobin grins back.

She’s led to the blanket and while the other captain sets her bag next to the blanket and gets the paper plates and pizza box open, she takes the moment to look at everything. 

Tobin set up a white comforter on the pitch and set fake candles around them and some on the comforter. She sees two smaller fleece blankets thrown carelessly around them and the pizza. Tobin has taken her shoes off now and she’s on one of her knees reaching for..

“Garlic bread.” Christen nearly squeals. 

Tobin looks back at her with the biggest smile she’s ever seen and her eyes are crinkling. Her hair is up in that messy bun and she’s almost forgotten the source of her excitement before.

“Yeah, here.” Tobin gives her a paper plate with a slice of pizza and half the garlic bread and Christen feels so warm and also kind of really hungry when she smells it.

It hasn’t hit her yet, that all of this was for _her_. She’s trying to understand it when Tobin’s soft hey brings her out.

“Think and eat.” She gives her a knowing smirk and it’s said fondly and Christen doesn’t know if she likes that Tobin already knows she thinks a lot. She figures Tobin knows more than she thinks she does. 

When she starts eating she looks over to Tobin and she’s never seen a human being eat as much as Kelley in her life. Tobin is down her garlic bread and a slice already and Christen hasn’t even finished her garlic bread fully.

Figures, Tobin eats like a dumpster and plays the way she does.

Sounds similar to a freckled girl she knows.

The thought that Tobin and Kelley would be friends crosses her mind and quickly leaves when she remembers why they aren’t in the first place.

Tobin is sitting back on her hands now with her legs stretched out and crossed and she’s patting her belly with a soft groan effectively making Christen laugh.

“You sure you don’t want to play tonight? I think your chances are pretty good.” Tobin asks her with mock seriousness and a last pat to her belly. Christen is smiling at her and thinks for once, the other girl should be on her toes.

“What if I said yes? Can you get up?” She says with one eyebrow raised and her head cocked to the side looking at the girl expectantly.

“I would do it.” Tobin challenges back knowing exactly what she’s doing.

Christen starts to get up and she sees Tobin’s smirk fall the slightest bit and pats herself on the back mentally.

Before she can fully get up she pauses and laughs as she falls back down into her spot being too full herself.

A flash of relief is present on Tobin’s face and Christen has a feeling she actually would have gotten up and played a full 90 with her if she asked.

They sit and giggle like that for what feels like forever in their own bubble talking about tonight’s misunderstanding and Tobin even mentioning the night Christen’s very faint bruise near her eye was put there. At the mention of that night Christen’s smile goes tight lipped and she goes quiet.

“I’m sorry for everything that night.. I didn’t know you were there, I especially didn’t know you were the one that was hit.” Tobin scoffs out and looks up at the sky.

She’s taking a second to scold herself.

“It wasn’t your fault. It’s not like..” Christen trails off and realizes that what she was going to say still stands true.

Tobin was never hers to begin with and she isn’t hers now either.

The thought that Tobin will never fully be committed to anybody crosses her mind.

“I’ve never..” Tobin starts and she sounds unsure but continues, “I don’t know if I can.” She finishes and Christen thinks she sounds damn near mournful.

She’s not sure if the rule is the reason or not, but she definitely doesn’t ask.

Christen nods softly and appreciates the girl opening up to her. She sits back on her hands and feels a shiver and looks around for her bag. 

“Do you want one?” Tobin asks, getting one of the fleece blankets and to be fair, it does look a lot comfier than any hoodie or jacket she could have ever brought. She nods and smiles her gratitude and Tobin wraps it around her.

They sit in a comfortable silence enjoying the night air for a few minutes when Tobin lays on her back like the other night they were here in this exact spot. Christen does the same and moves the blanket to the front of her body and when her back hits the floor she invites the girl next to her into the warmth.

Tobin softly and surprisingly declines and Christen feels a small pang but decides Tobin may just feel warm in her hoodie and doesn’t want to be hot.

She wants to test her theory, wants to know if Tobin is overwhelmed for the night after their last topic but mostly she just wants to feel Tobin’s warmth.

So she does test it, she moves her hand outside of the blanket where both of them are laying on their backs and she finds the brunettes hand and slowly links their fingers giving the girl all the time in the world to back out. 

Tobin’s warmth is almost hot to the touch due to the contrast of the night breeze. She wonders if Tobin is always this warm and if she dislikes it. If she hates it at night and kicks her blankets off or if she opts for cold showers.

How can someone be this _warm_. 

Christen goes down a rabbit hole, wondering about Tobin‘s sleeping preferences for socks and how she likes her bath water when the girl in question pulls her hand away. 

Christen swallows and clenches her jaw but she tells herself Tobin is probably feeling a little smothered right now after the last 48 hours.

She should probably bring the night to an end for her. She’s thinking of ways she can do it when she feels the girl's body heat to her left side and she opens her eyes to the girl leaning on her right elbow looking down at Christen. Christen’s body refuses to shy away from the eye contact, she looks up at her and they stay there just like that.

She knows Tobin’s trying to communicate something with her eyes but she realizes she doesn’t quite know how to read the girl yet. 

“Tell me what you’re thinking.” Is what comes out of her mouth and they still haven’t broken eye contact and Christen thinks she might at the question.

Mostly she can’t answer because she wouldn’t even know where to start, there’s so much on her mind, all the time. She’s thinking of anything she can say to answer Tobin’s question and move on when the girl solves the problem herself.

“What if I tell you something first?” She bargains.

Christen isn’t sure what she’s even trying to get out of her, but she imagines she’ll have something to tell the girl by the end of hers anyway. She nods, keeping eye contact and gives the girl a small curious smile wondering what she’s going to tell her.

“I like you best right here.” She says softly and while Christen tries to unpack the statement Tobin is thankfully continuing.

“I mean I like you everywhere else too but..“ Christen smiles at that and gives her a _good save_ face while she keeps going as they both smile.

“You look comfortable out here.” 

There’s a small pause and she tries to take it in and understand, and she thinks she does. She knows this is naturally where she would be the most open and honest.

“You don’t hide.” Tobin smiles down at her with soft eyes and Christen bites her lip and breaks the eye contact looking straight at the sky for a breather.

Tobin goes quiet and she knows she’s watching her, she can feel her eyes on her and Christen looks back at her and she stays true to her word and she says the first thing she thinks of.

“I like your eyes.” 

Tobin’s eyes beam at that like they’re receiving the compliment themselves and Christen can’t stop the smile that spreads across her face and her laugh that follows.

Tobin responds to her quiet confession with a fond hum and she continues to stare down at her for another moment.

“They like you too.” Is what follows and Christen scoffs at that and pushes lightly against Tobin’s shoulder as she laughs again.

They talk like that for a while, a mix of seriousness and teasing each other.

  
When the night seems to be at its darkest and the wind becomes almost winter like, Christen thinks she wants to invite Tobin over to her place because she isn’t ready for her to leave yet.

That is, until she remembers she has nowhere she can bring her. Tobin must sense the girls thoughts of departure due to her looking around and the obvious coldness and lateness they’ve reached.

She just wishes she didn’t have to, so when Tobin smiles down at her again and starts to get up Christen panics and holds her in place with a childlike request. 

“Five more minutes?” She asks with a bite to her lip and she offers the open blanket one more time for Tobin knowing she must be a little cold now.

Tobin is laughing at the request and agreeing to it if not just for the bit of warmth she must be seeking now.

Tobin slowly gathers into the blanket, her arm is on the other side of Christen now holding her up while the right one is laid down by Christen’s head.

Truth be told she didn’t think about the consequences of Tobin being this close to her wrapped up in a blanket, she must feel her heartbeat through her chest, she may even hear it. 

And if that doesn’t give away Christen’s obvious state of nervousness, then her labored breathing is probably doing it.

Tobin creates as much space as she can for the girl and while Christen appreciates it she also refuses to lose Tobin’s warmth after feeling it.

She softly grips Tobin’s hoodie silently telling her to let herself down and to press their bodies together fully and Tobin reluctantly complies. 

She thinks she’ll remember this for the rest of her life.

The first time she’s felt half of Tobin’s body weight lean into hers and the warmth and feel of their heartbeats together.

She thinks there’s nothing else she’ll need, she’s set for life.

Christen’s body naturally responds to it by pulling Tobin even further down into her and when the girl is close enough she puts a hand on the back of her neck and pulls her head into her right side so she can properly nuzzle into Tobin’s neck.

They lay there like that for way longer than they should with Christen greedily taking in the smell of the other girl and playing with the chestnut baby hairs at the nape of her neck. 

Eventually Tobin pulls back and Christen thinks she looks like she just woke up. 

“It’s late and we have classes tomorrow.” Tobin softly argues as she brings her hand up to get the hairs out of Christen’s face and tuck them behind the ear that she begins tracing the shell of. 

Christen feels like she might even throw a tantrum with how bad she wants to sit here like this for the rest of the night but logically she knows she’s right.

She murmurs a soft compliant okay and Tobin starts to get up and pack the stuff around them in her bag.

Christen helps her the best she can and puts their garbage into one bag for Tobin. When they’re all packed up and she’s rolling the comforter up Christen starts to slowly walk waiting for Tobin to follow to their cars.

Tobin has everything packed and ready and she puts it into one pile when she looks up to Christen and lets out a loud exhale. Christen looks at her curiously but Tobin walks over and puts her hand out for Christen to take.

She does, and Tobin takes Christen’s bag in her other hand and sets it down by her feet and walks Christen over to the very center of the pitch. Tobin lets her hand go and brings both of hers to Christen’s face and rests her forehead on hers like they did the day before.

She lets Tobin work out whatever she needs to and waits patiently until Tobin creates enough space to look at her again.

“The first time I saw you we were at Hultry park.. the one from little league.” She starts and she feels Tobin’s thumbs gently move just the slightest on her face.

Christen closes her eyes desperately trying to remember but can’t see Tobin there and she’s trying so hard when Tobin helps her. 

“You were trying to catch something while I was playing at the other end..” Christen’s mouth opens at this because she can’t remember the exact day but she has always figured it was something along those lines.

“Your mom..” Christen feels tears gather in her eyes. “She was calling your name to get your attention to play the game with us.” Tobin continues and a tear must have slipped because Tobin’s thumb swipes at something on her cheek.

Christen thinks it makes sense that her mom is the reason Tobin noticed her. 

She looks down and Tobin lifts her chin back up and smiles at her for the next part. 

“I was too young then to feel anything but ever since that day, I always noticed you.”

Tobin kisses her left cheek. 

”Every room you were in.”

She kisses her right cheek. 

”Every pitch you played on with me.”

Tobin gently nuzzles her nose into Christen’s before she pulls back.

Christen swears she saw a tear in the corner of Tobin’s eye and it warms her entire body at the thought.

“The first time I saw you was on a pitch and I’d like to kiss you for the first time on one too.” She whispers like she’s praying and Christen melts and gives her what she’s seeking. 

_Permission_.

Tobin can have whatever she wants.

When Tobin lowers her hands onto Christen’s neck and jaw and leans in so slowly she thinks she’s going to die when they touch.

Tobin’s nose softly touches hers and they’re so close and Christen can feel her breath on her lips and she might break down when this is over. 

The first touch is slow, Tobin barely moves her mouth and Christen tries to breathe in Tobin’s exhales to keep herself alive.

Their lips move so slow and gentle together and Christen is so thankful because she can taste Tobin fully and savor it in her memory.

The girl pulls back for a second to smile and more tears fall from Christen’s eyes as she feels her entire world is going to change after this, she thinks she can never walk another step on this earth without thinking of the feel of Tobin’s lips on hers.

She thinks she’s never truly kissed a single soul until this moment. 

She’s lost in thought when she feels Tobin’s forehead against hers again and Christen brings her hands up to rest on Tobin’s forearms to try to ground herself.

Christen licks her lips and finds the barely there taste of Tobin on them and something in her snaps. She brings her hands down to Tobin’s hoodie and she pulls her gently but firmly right back into her and she takes everything the girl will give her.

Christen finds out tonight that her favorite activity is exploring Tobin’s mouth with her tongue.

She also finds out when she pulls back that her favorite sight is Tobin’s kiss bruised lips.

When Tobin gives her one last peck she chases it and feels a little embarrassed at how much she _craves_ the girl in front of her and Tobin knows it now too.

Tobin pulls back with a gentle quiet laugh and brings Christen’s bag back up into her hand. 

“Have to get you home.” She mumbles to her and kisses Christen’s knuckles in apology.

She knows it’s true, she may never wake up in time tomorrow.

What Tobin doesn’t know is she won’t sleep when she gets in her bed anyway, replaying the kiss over and over until the sun peaks out.

When Tobin packs up her truck and gets Christen’s bag in her car she opens Christen’s door for her with that soft pretty smile. Christen doesn’t know what happens after this but she settles for figuring it out another time.

For now she gets into her car and puts her seatbelt on waiting for direction from the other girl.

Tobin is leaning down with her hand still holding Christen’s door and Christen wants to drag her into her car herself. Tobin leans in to give her a chaste kiss and Christen appreciates every part of it. She leans back with a soft _drive safe_ and closes the door for her and Christen watches her get into the truck and she knows she’s going to have to leave first but she just wants to stay here for a little while longer.

She doesn’t though.

She backs out and looks at Tobin’s truck backing out after her in her mirror and she thinks she’s dreaming the whole thing.

When the thought creeps in her head that she’s going to lose this one day, she shakes her head violently and refuses to let anything ruin the night. She drives home with one thought. 

Tobin Heath may not belong to her.   
  
But she is entirely Tobin Heath’s.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well deserved marshmallow fluff for you. Thanks for reading.


	8. Atmosphere.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kelley just really doesn’t want a house pet.

“Please tell me these are the chocolate ones.” Kelley starts a prayer with her eyes closed preparing to take the toaster strudel out of the grocery bag.

Christen doesn’t know when she should tell her they’re actually the apple ones.

“Son of a-“ 

She decides to let Kelley discover it for herself.

“You didn’t want to come.” Christen shrugs with a smirk.

Christen’s Sunday morning started with a calm, pretty sunrise and a cup of coffee. She did their usual weekly shopping this time every week, calculating exactly what they would be out of.

Kelley typically didn’t join her, but since this year's training started early for them, they needed extra food throughout the week, only an occurrence when practices would start. Kelley started to come every other week with her at this point to help out and be responsible for the extra protein meal prepping and choosing vegetables.

Kelley though, wouldn’t wake up this morning and is now pouting in the kitchen because of missing out on her extra items and flavor choice privilege. 

She hears her friend sigh and start putting things away regardless and she smiles knowing Kelley will eat the entire box by Wednesday anyway.

While they put the few things left away Christen looks at the dry erase board on the fridge and sighs as she looks at Sunday being empty besides her grocery stop already done. 

It’s been a quiet weekend, Friday consisted of classes and training and coming home to get all of her assignments and studying done for the weekend so she’d be free for the rest.

Saturday at noon was spent on the pitch with her friends and a follow up game night at JJ’s.

She hasn’t heard from Tobin since their Thursday night spent together. Not a single text or call between them and Christen knows it’s a two way street but she also knows Tobin isn’t one for being coddled.

She especially knows she’ll run even further at the first sight of Christen being clingy. She figures the best thing she can do is let her have her space. 

She just wishes Tobin wouldn’t need a day or more to breathe after every encounter with her.

Kelley’s uncharacteristic silence is what brings her out of her head this time because Kelley is within feet of her and she doesn’t hear one word. She looks to study the girl and Christen thinks she deserves a medal for being this intuitive because Kelley looks like she’s thinking so hard she may shit herself on accident.

She decides to offer an olive branch if it’s something she can help her with but as she goes to open her mouth the other girl starts without her help.

“So.. are you doing anything tonight?” 

Christen furrows her eyebrows at why Kelley would be asking that but also trying to think of things she would be doing tonight. They have a long weekend because classes are cancelled tomorrow but she isn’t aware of any parties that would be happening because of it.

If she’s honest, wherever Kelley asks her to go she is going to decline anyway, opting for the extra sleep instead.

“Nope.” She lets her know putting away the bread. “Where did you want to go?” She adds.

Kelley is looking at her feet now with her hands in her hoodie and gives her a light shrug. Christen slightly lifts her eyebrows and bites her lip to keep from laughing. Kelley is either hiding something or is about to puppy dog her way into dragging Christen somewhere with her.

“Actually..” Kelley starts and she thinks for a second and kicks her foot as she continues to rush out in one breath,

“I was wondering if Alex could maybe come over tonight.” 

Christen gasps at that loudly and with wide teasing eyes and starts hitting Kelley playfully. 

“You’re totally kicking me out to bang Alex in our apartment all night, I can’t believe this.” She jokes with mock offense. 

“No I’m not, you can be here.” Kelley is dodging her hands now laughing through her response.

“I just wanted to tell you.. and maybe ask if you’d stay in your room a little more than usual.” She smirks at the last part and Christen is gasping again with a small jab into her friend's stomach. 

“I’ll sleep at JJ’s or something.” She responds with a genuine smile not minding at all as long as Kelley is happy. 

“Are you sure? You don’t have to.”

Kelley O’Hara, ever the sweetest girl asks through the cutest face Christen has ever seen her make.

Alex is in trouble, she thinks.

She briefly thinks if Alex hurts the girl in front of her she’s not as above violence as she thought. She has wondered, with the rule still firm in place, what is Alex doing anyway? She makes a mental note to talk to Kelley about how serious it is later. 

“Yeah I’m sure, just please remember that I love that couch before you make any rash decisions.” She points to the couch she naps on exhaustedly after training or waiting for Kelley to get out of the shower when she has to pee in the mornings.

Kelley smirks at that and gives her a _whatever happens, happens_ look and Christen grimaces.

The rest of the day is spent lazily in the apartment and eventually Christen decides maybe she’ll go home and sleep at her dad's house.

It’s an almost two hour drive and she can come back tomorrow night, knowing she saw him before her season starts. She may be tired but it will be well worth it. She’s in the middle of looking at what she should bring and if she should surprise him instead of asking him when her phone rings. 

It’s Tobin. 

Her heart misses a beat and makes up for it quickly by beating fast enough for her chest to feel like it’s going to break open. Why Tobin waited until now, she’s not sure but she can only hope that what awaits her on the other end is a soft request to see her and not a regretful apology.

She picks up after she lets it ring a few times trying to get herself together and answers with poorly concealed excitement in her tone she imagines. 

“Hey.”

“Hey, you.” Comes the sweet raspy voice she has absolutely heard softly whisper in her ear.

“I was calling to see if you had any plans tonight.” Tobin’s voice sounds comfortable and confident. Christen wonders what she has in mind but also remembers she did want to see her dad today. 

She thinks about moving Tobin’s request to see her maybe for Tuesday evening but thinks better of it when she feels a light pang in her chest at the thought of waiting that long.

It’s already been three days and she thinks if Tobin only wants to see her once or twice a week at most then, who is she to turn this down.

“I’m free.” She offers with soft anticipation. 

“Sweet, there’s a place I want to take you, can I pick you up at 6?” Christen lets out a nervous sound and feels her body shudder because this sounds a lot like a date and she needs more time to prepare for that.

What does she even wear? She has to shave and-

“ _Chris_.” She can hear Tobin smiling through the phone and it brings as much chaos inside her as it does calmness.

She hums out a sound of acknowledgement for her in response, trying to figure out how she can straighten her hair after her shower and figure out an outfit by 6.

Does she wear a dress? Is it that kind of date?

That’s ridiculous she can’t wear a dress she doesn’t even have one with-

“It’s just a burger place and me. It’s just me.” Tobin is clearly trying to relax her and it’s embarrassing that she can hear her worrying through the phone without even seeing her. She tries to let it all go at that because really that is all she needed to know. A burger place, that’s casual and easy. The mention of it just being her doesn’t help her at all because Tobin isn’t just Tobin.

She’s _Tobin_.

She isn’t simple and she isn’t easy to Christen, to Christen she’s a free fall that could be going into spikes or teddy bears. 

“Okay.” She breathes her agreement into the phone, “I’ll be ready at 6.” 

“Okay.” She’s still smiling and Christen finds it a little teasing but she lets it go.

“I’ll see you soon.” She hears before she says her own goodbyes and hangs up.

Christen is absolutely tearing her room apart when she hears Kelley’s hurried footsteps behind her and then feels her eyes on her movements.

“Is there a mouse?” Kelley’s a little out of breath probably not from the walk over but from the thought that she’s going to have to catch a mouse in their apartment. 

“No.” She throws the shorts in her hand onto the floor of clothes and looks at Kelley with what probably looks like the beginnings of a temper tantrum.

“It’s worse than a mouse, I can’t find anything to wear and even if I do, I can’t find any nice underwear and I have to shower and my hair is a mess and-“

“Tobin called then, huh?” Kelley asks, biting her obvious smirk back into her mouth.

The mention of Tobin casually leaving Kelley’s mouth is a strange one but she’s glad for it. Kelley doesn’t pry about the other girl probably due to not being fond of the other captain. However, Christen has mentioned it a few times over the weekend, trying to slowly create a casual name drop into their conversations and giving a vague run down of what’s happened between them so far. Kelley listens and she talks when spoken to and she nods but she doesn’t ask many questions. Christen knows she’s holding back for her sake, knowing it’s a touchy subject but she appreciates it nonetheless.

“It’s not funny.” Christen thinks she feels wetness in her eyes and she tries to take a deep breath and make it go away.

Kelley clicks her tongue in sympathy at that and comes over to help her clean up the things she’s thrown around her room. 

“What about this?” Kelley lifts up dark ripped jeans and Christen nods slow approval at them.

They’re not so bad, it’s casual enough.

“These?” Kelley shows a few shirts and Christen hates them all, how does she pick one.

“What about this?” Christen let out a sigh of relief that she found what she was looking for in the first place. The grey crew neck is perfectly comfortable and looks like she tried. Christen takes it and starts to look around for the coconut body scrub her sister sent her for the shower.

While she’s looking Kelley has her shoulder leaning against her doorway and a leg crossed and Christen knows she wants to make fun of her but wants to wait until she knows she’s feeling calmer. Christen looks up at her to give her a half smile so she knows she is. 

“So.” Kelley starts and she softly hums in thought and looks like she knows a secret and Christen isn’t feeling patient enough to play her game right now as she starts getting her hair products together. Christen looks at her again and raises her eyebrows. 

“What?” She asks with a hint of irritation, preparing for the jokes.

“Nothing, it’s just.. it makes sense that she asked you tonight.” Kelley lets out with a nonchalant shrug.

Christen stops what she's doing and finds herself even more impatient now. 

“Okay.” She stretches out the end of the word to communicate her annoyance. “And why is that?” She takes the bait.

“She shares a place with Alex.”

Kelley’s expression is hard to read but mostly indifferent. Christen takes a sharp intake of breath and her heart jumps.

Kelley reads her like her favorite children’s book and gives her a steady look with slightly raised eyebrows. It’s a little playful but she feels like it’s also mixed with worry and a hint of distaste but a small smile lets her know she supports her. Kelley doesn’t trust Tobin but Kelley also doesn’t know that between Tobin and herself, she’s the one that shouldn’t be trusted.

Christen repeats one thing back to herself. 

Tobin shares a place with Alex. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And with that, see you soon. Thanks for reading pals.


	9. Moonlight.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tobin likes to eat.

Christen is in shambles. 

Tobin conveniently asked her to go out the night she knows Alex is going to be with Kelley all night. She knows Alex told her, they’re best friends and roommates, just like her and Kelley.

It’s not that she’s not ready to sleep with Tobin, she thinks she’s been ready for longer than she’s willing to admit to herself.

The problem is, after their night together, after being that close to the girl and feeling her heartbeat and her lips, she feels like she carries her touches everywhere. She feels like she absolutely _belongs_ to Tobin after that night and she can’t imagine what sleeping with the girl will do to her, she thinks she may just be stuck like a broken toy.

She may forget how to breathe and she’s probably going to embarrass herself, which has become a regular occurrence around the other girl, maybe even having a full-fledged panic attack. She hasn’t had much experience with women sexually and Tobin absolutely has. She wonders if Tobin has ever been with a girl who stopped breathing before she even touched her or if she’s brought a girl to the hospital to be put on oxygen when she’s done.

When she finishes putting her hair up and she’s scrambling for the last few things she’ll need to do, she glances at her phone and Tobin is going to be there any second. Christen is rushing over to put her shoes on when she looks to her left and doesn't realize what she had walked by.

Kelley has the kitchen island nicely cleared off and has two empty plates on top of placemats set up prettily. She’s got a pot on the oven of water she’s ready to fill and boil and Christen imagines she’s making a pasta dish for Alex tonight. Christen smiles at her friend who is looking solely at her phone that’s playing what sounds to be a cooking tutorial.

Her phone vibrates in her pocket and she panics because she still needs to grab some things. Tobin sent her a text letting her know she’s here and Christen is going into flight mode when she feels hands on her shoulders and a freckled soft face comes into view.

“You’re okay, don’t forget your ID and your keys.” She says steadying her, hoping Christen is taking in what she’s saying. Christen blows out a breath and nods with her. Kelley brings her into a soft hug and what she whispers in her ear is what gets her down the stairs.

She’s walking down to Tobin now with one thing on her mind.

“You’re the smartest person I know, trust yourself.”

—

  
  
When Christen makes it to the lobby and looks at the entry doors and sees Tobin‘s back to her, she thinks of the first night they spent together.

Tobin hasn’t even turned around yet and Christen _knows_ she looks just as ethereal as she did that night. She takes a deep steadying breath before she gets to the door so Tobin won’t hear it, and she opens it and the first thing she breathes in is Tobin’s scent. Tobin must’ve waited until the last minute to put her usual fragrance on because it's as fresh as she’s ever smelled it and she wants to stay in the air pocket forever.

Tobin hears the door open and when she turns around, Christen takes her in and it’s almost offensive how perfect she looks. Tobin herself told her they were just going to a burger place but she’s wearing a white shirt tucked into pretty grey slacks and a half up bun and it’s definitely not the joggers and hoodie she was expecting. Christen can only take so much. She thinks she’s positively gaping at her now but she can’t find any words when Tobin flashes a wide smile.

“Hi.” Tobin says it still smiling and her eyes are crinkling now.

Christen knows that something has to shift to make her more comfortable or she’s going to be lightheaded before they even leave. So she remembers what Kelley says and she trusts herself fully without questioning herself and she does what her body is telling her and it’s telling her that she seeks her comfort.

She closes her eyes and she slowly makes her way into the girl in front of her, hoping Tobin will accept her offer. 

She does.

The warmth she expects to find is waiting for her and she feels strong arms hold her steady. She has her own hands finding a home in the chestnut hair.

She’s finding comfort trying to match her breathing to Tobin’s deep in her chest and letting her scent calm her. A moment passes and she pulls back to rest her forehead on Tobin’s and Tobin gracefully welcomes it.

In fact, she does her one better and Tobin’s nose is nuzzling her own when she realizes Tobin is seeking permission. She’s not sure how the other girl doesn’t realize yet but she can have whatever she wants.

Christen closes the distance for her and she thinks she’ll never miss something more in her life than Tobin’s lips against hers every time they’re not there.

She takes advantage of the offer for every second Tobin is willing to give her and doesn’t stop until Tobin eventually pulls back breathless and laughing. Her hands move to cup Christen’s face and she’s looking into her eyes in the way that she does to dare Christen to look away. She realizes it’s Tobin’s favorite game to play with her and Christen won’t let her win. 

“You look pretty.” Tobin softly lets out as she traces her cheekbone with her thumb.

It’s her first attack to get her to look away and Christen wants so badly to look down and shy away but she won’t. She’s going to throw the ball right back to her.

Christen brings her lower lip into her mouth and hums her gratitude without looking away. She wants to respond to Tobin by telling her how perfect she looks tonight but she doesn’t want her to know how affected she is just yet so she settles for a casual tease.

“I like these pants.” Christen says bringing her right hand down to Tobin’s left thigh and lightly scratching at the material.

She listens for Tobin’s reaction and she’s so thankful that she did because she otherwise would have missed the almost silent intake of breath.

Tobin lets out a breathy laugh and slowly removes Christen’s hand off her leg to hold it in her own. She thinks to most people it may have seemed smooth but Christen knows she made her nervous.

Checkmate, Tobin Heath. 

“Are you ready?” She asks her softly and Christen nods confidently and calmly. She feels as ready as she’s ever felt and she makes a mental note to thank Kelley later for her advice. She holds her hand to the lot and when she finally spots the white truck she feels Tobin let go of her hand and gently place her hand on her lower back.

She wonders if it feels natural for Tobin to do these things, if it’s something she’s done for other girls. Tobin opens the door for her and guides her in carefully helping her up the tiny step she’s not used to taking due to her car being much lower. She closes the door for her and walks around the back of the truck and in the quick quiet moment as the lights turn off when Tobin closed the door, Christen thinks she’s in heaven.

The truck smells so much like Tobin and she’s absolutely surrounded by her, she’s in her truck, in her scent, with _her_.

She feels dizzy with affection for the girl getting in the driver's seat and she feels a pang of sadness at the reality of their fate.

When Tobin pulls out of the parking lot and starts driving she presses play on her playlist that was playing earlier and she keeps it low and makes conversation throughout the drive about Christen’s weekend and her own.

Christen itches to mention the silence from the other captain but thinks better of it and doesn’t want to ruin the mood for the night. 

When they make it to their destination she’s surprised to see a diner similar to the one she grew up with. She wonders if this is part of Tobin’s childhood.

She’s surprised when Tobin undoes her seatbelt and tells Christen she’ll be right back. She lets her go without questioning, mostly because Tobin slowly leaned in to leave Christen with a chaste kiss that sent her spiraling.

When she sees Tobin fast walking back to the truck with a bag of take out she wonders if Tobin wants to eat in the truck for privacy. She wonders if she did it so she can take her to her apartment.

Christen is so full of anticipation she barely even has an appetite but she won’t pass up a couple of fries if she’s offered. Tobin puts the bag on the floor in the back to secure it and she looks like she’s salivating smelling the food. Christen lets out a soft chuckle watching the girl who clearly has a strong bond with food. Tobin looks over sheepishly and gives her a smile. 

“They’re the best burgers in the world.” She promises with a shrug. Christen hums at that secretly thinking about the ones at the diner across from her campus. When Tobin smiles again and starts the truck, Christen almost wants to start eating while they’re driving so they won’t even have to wait when they get to the apartment. She’s in the middle of imagining what it would be like to have her hands under Tobin’s shirt, nails raking down her warm back when she notices Tobin is turning down a rocky driveway that doesn’t even look open to the public. She opens her mouth to ask her about it when they pass a few more trees and Tobin beats her to it.

“Wait for it.” She says without looking at her but Christen can see the small smile on her face.

She does indeed wait for it and when she finally sees the clear beautiful lake in front of them in a small empty parking lot with two picnic tables and a few benches around facing the scenery she’s in awe. Tobin parks the truck in the small lot and grabs their food. Tobin was on her way to open Christen’s door but Christen was out and scanning the area with excitement at finding a spot this beautiful and empty.

The sun is barely out now and tinting the world in dark orange and pink and if somebody told Christen this was heaven, she would believe it. She finds what’s left of the sun as she takes a few steps towards the grass before the water and tries to breathe in the new air as deeply as she can.

She would never be able to explain it to another human being but she just knows she’s safe here. The air is calm and the water is quiet and the few souls that enjoy this spot, she knows are like her. When she brings herself out of it she looks around for Tobin and finds her eyes.

She’s got their food in her hand looking at Christen with soft understanding.

She doesn’t know how, but she knows Tobin appreciates the things she does that other people find boring and a regular part of their lives, of course Tobin found this place. 

Christen gives her a smile and walks over to reward Tobin by leaning in slowly with a soft lingering kiss to her cheek. She tries to communicate how thankful she is that Tobin thought to bring her here. The thought crosses her mind that the other captain bringing her here when she swore she was being taken to her apartment is probably a warning sign from someone above.

She thinks she’s being begged by somebody to not hurt the beautiful soul in front of her but she’s already here.

All she can do is make up for it by giving her everything she wants while she still wants it, she’ll give Tobin anything she asks for.

Tobin nuzzles softly into her before she pulls away and she wonders how someone can seem so touch deprived when she’s touched by so many. 

When they sit down to eat their food, Tobin unsurprisingly takes the food and sits on the grass and takes her shoes off.

Naturally, Christen follows next to her. She is almost moaning with how good the fries are and Tobin is already halfway done with hers. Christen is laughing again, almost choking and Tobin looks at her with soft curiosity handing her a water bottle with a smile tugging at her lips and Christen can’t not mention it anymore. 

“You’re passionate about your food.” Is her explanation.

Tobin smirks at that probably being told that in more colorful ways her whole life. She imagines Tobin as a kid eating twice as much and faster than she does now. 

“How did you find this place?” Christen asks what she’s been wondering since she first saw it.

She wants to know if Tobin came here as a kid and what memories she’s sitting around. Tobin puts her garbage in the bag and Christen follows her by closing her box and putting it off to the side completely satisfied. 

“I worked at the diner the summer before college.” It’s vague but she’ll take whatever she gives her, she’ll fill the cracks in herself and Tobin can refill them one day if she’d like. She hums approvingly at her to let her know just that.

Tobin shrugs in response, “I was a wanderer.” She leaves her with that and Christen is thankful she added it. 

They sit there for a while talking about high school and their mutual sports teams and leagues growing up. When Christen knows it’s headed into talking about the upcoming season she asks her about the lake again. 

“Are there fish here?” She blurts out staring into the lake. 

Tobin pauses and raises one pretty eyebrow at her with a playful smirk, allowing the subject change. 

“Yeah, do you want to see him?” She asks her. Christen can’t read her expression anymore and scrunches her face together. 

“Him?” 

Tobin nods her head yes to confirm and it only confuses Christen more. Tobin opens her arms, still in the same spot in the grass inviting Christen over.

“Come here, I’ll show you before the sun is gone.” 

Christen figures Tobin has already found the singular fish earlier and is going to point him out and as many questions as Christen has, she excitedly scoots closer to the girl but as she nears, Tobin opens her knees up and leads Christen between them and closes her arms around her holding her in place. 

Christen has never been so excited about a fish in her life. 

Tobin is smiling and she nuzzles into Christen’s shoulder tightening her hold.

“There’s one fish in here, we named him Shark because he ate all the other ones.” She mumbles into her. 

“Why didn’t you guys move him to the ocean or something?” Christen raises her eyebrows in shock and wonder. 

“We tried.” Tobin moves her head up and looks around for what Christen thinks is the fish. A look of sadness crosses her face that Christen can barely see from her angle in front of her chest.

“He ate one of the kids.” She says serious.

Christen thinks about how big and violent this fish has to be to eat an entire child and how traumatic that must’ve been for Tobin and her friends. She tightens her hold on Tobin’s arms that are around her in sympathy.

She feels Tobin start to cry behind her so hard that she’s shaking and she turns in her arms to comfort her when she sees the girl isn’t crying at all, she’s shaking violently with silent laughter. 

“Tobin!” Christen pushes at her chest and Tobin is laughing so hard Christen has no choice but to start laughing at herself with how gullible she just was.

Christen has her face in her hands when Tobin finally starts to come down and she’s still giggling softly bringing Christen back into her chest mumbling apologies into her ear as she nuzzles into her hair. Christen scoffs knowing the girl isn’t really all that sorry.

They sit there taking turns laughing into each other when Christen turns around in her arms to face her better and crosses her right leg under Tobin’s right knee.

Tobin looks at her patiently waiting for what she’s going to say but Christen’s hand moves around Tobin’s side and she kisses her slowly.

They kiss soft and slow like their first one for a while and Christen has her left hand on Tobin’s jaw and her right one is going towards Tobin’s lower back over her tee shirt and she thinks about how warm her skin must be.

Tobin’s hands urgently move to the back of Christen’s neck and jaw when the kiss becomes more intense. Christen pulls back to get some much needed air and her heart is visibly rising almost out of her chest and her face must be flushed with how warm it feels.

She briefly thinks rewarding Tobin with a heated makeout was not the plan but when does anything ever go to plan. She thinks of something when she’s recovering from the wreck Tobin turns her into and she bites her lip fighting back a smile. She brings her forehead back to Tobin’s to rest there, it’s become a thing, and she kisses her softly again for a moment. This time though, as Tobin starts to explore her mouth more, she moves her own lips away and starts for Tobin’s neck. 

Christen didn’t know a human being would end up being the best thing she’s ever tasted but she feels almost hungry as she’s kissing up Tobin’s neck. She had a plan in mind but the marks she’s hoping she’s made on Tobin are distracting her far too much and Tobin is absolutely loving it if the noises she’s making are anything to go by. Christen eventually trails up to her ear lobe and brings it into her mouth when she finally comes to a stop and brings her right hand down to the hem of the back of Tobin’s shirt. She pauses her kissing and slides her hand onto warm naked skin under her shirt and she can feel the goosebumps she’s leaving at the bottom of her spine. Christen smiles into her neck and she brings herself back to her ear and she thinks Tobin is practically putty in her hands. She slowly sucks by Tobin’s ear again as she starts to whisper. 

“I want you to know..” She’s nipping at her ear lobe with her teeth and her hand is higher up her warm back.

“That if it were here..” she continues knowing what it sounds like she’s implying and listens to the quiet breathy moans from the compliant girl in her arms.

“I would let him eat you too.” She finishes detaching from the girl and reaching behind her for her half eaten burger she packed away earlier. She starts to open it and eat a cold fry when Tobin finally recovers enough to speak. 

“I’m never making a joke again.” She pouts and drops her knees in defeat leaning back on her hands in protest.

Christen thinks she looks perfect like this, pouty and pretty and she wants to kiss it away but she’s laughing too hard. It was a double win for Christen. 

—

  
The night is perfect around them with the only sounds being the ones from the animals in the woods and she thinks she could spend much longer here wrapped up in Tobin like this. 

Tobin mentions how late it’s getting and Christen squeezes her hand in agreement. When she eventually gets up she helps Christen to her feet and cleans up around them. They make their way to Tobin’s truck and Christen breathes in the air for one last time here as a farewell. She opens her eyes to Tobin’s smiling ones as she’s watching her leaning against the bed of the truck on her forearms. 

“Ready?” She asks softly and Christen nods and gives her a small answering smile.

When Tobin is backing out and gets back on the road, Christen is feeling blissed out after the night they’ve had. She’s mostly feeling confident and bold and she sighs happily to herself. They’re driving in a comfortable silence in the night lights of the world around them and Christen looks over and takes a mental picture of the focused girl driving. She’s softly drumming her fingers to the beat of the quiet song playing through the speakers. It’s when she spots the car wash with the impossible to miss inflatable lizard holding a sign that she realizes where they are.

Tobin is taking her back to her campus and Christen can’t stop the small huff that leaves her mouth.

Tobin looks over to her turning the music off completely and gives her a questioning look and Christen feels the heavy weight of disappointment. Christen hates this part of their time together, the time when she feels insecure and can’t read Tobin’s mind. The reality of it is, she works so hard to forget the things that Tobin has told her about their past because the weight of them is too heavy to hold.

It’s a defense mechanism, to pretend she’s never heard them and she knows that, but she can’t control it. It’s these moments, the moments when it’s quiet and her mind is telling her Tobin doesn’t really want her that she lets the things she’s locked up finally roam free.

She may have been aware but she is finally remembering in this moment that it was Tobin who sent her the valentine in ninth grade.

The same girl that has remembered every club they’ve ever played together with or against each other.

The same girl who has only had her alone a handful of times and every time has done something heartfelt or romantic for her.

There’s no denying that Christen has to have a place in Tobin’s mind and she may even have a place in her heart.

That rare realization always warms her to her very soul but the pain that follows when she remembers the reality of their relationship and the fate they’re destined to meet is excruciating. So Christen buries it all back under and let’s the frustration she feels fuel her current state. 

Christen instead remembers how many times the last few years she has had to endure hearing about Tobin’s sex life, random sly comments meant as jokes between friends, pent up desire from teammates on the sidelines during games.

Flashes of blonde hair and arms around Tobin’s sweaty neck and Tobin pinned against her truck smiling her smile into a kiss.

She thinks of the touches they’ve had between them and wonders how it is possible that Tobin has had sex with them but hasn’t even tried with Christen. Tobin has an empty apartment tonight that was a much closer drive than the one that she’s taking now to bring Christen back to her own, and yet. 

Maybe it’s a little bit of just wanting Tobin to feel the way she does, or maybe it’s just sexual frustration. That one sounds right. 

She huffs out a laugh at that and brings her forehead to rest on the side of her door by the seat belt.

When has she let herself be a person who is controlled by insecurity and sexual frustration, she makes a mental note to look into going back to her therapist she found a few summers ago.

Tobin seems to let her be for the rest of the drive and Christen is thankful for it, needing to cool down. 

When she opens her eyes a moment later, Tobin is turning into another parking lot and she knows exactly where they are.

She’s at the only open ice cream place until midnight. 

Tobin is bringing her to get ice cream. 

She immediately goes red in the face at the thoughts that she’s had the last few minutes feeling like an absolute brat. Tobin was bringing her to get ice cream and she _huffed_ at her. When Tobin parks the truck she looks over quickly and nervously and is already speaking before Christen can. 

“I.. I probably should have asked you first but I wanted it to be a surprise. If you’re tired, I can take you back.” Tobin’s rubbing the back of her neck now and Christen itches to calm her.

Tobin probably felt the silence become a little tense earlier and Christen hates that she did that.

She starts laughing with her head back at the whole thing because this is ridiculous enough and now she has the cockiest girl she’s ever met looking shy in the parking lot of an ice cream parlor.

Tobin looks at her sheepishly trying to read the situation and Christen stops laughing to surge over the middle console with her hands on Tobin’s jaw to attack her face with kisses in a small request for forgiveness. She’s giggling again and nodding at the girl still in her hands. 

“Do you trust me with a cone in your truck?” 

Tobin bites her lip with a smirk and Christen can see the confidence and relief pour out of her and she feels like she fulfilled her purpose. 

“Not if it has sprinkles.” She’s smirking through it and Christen is smirking right back bringing her bottom lip into her mouth and fluttering her lashes at her. 

“No sprinkles?” She asks looking through her lashes with her best pout. 

Tobin’s smirk turns into a full toothed grin and she turns her head to the side in mock compromise that Christen knows she already was going to let her do.

“We’ll figure something out.” Is what leaves her mouth and Christen takes it with a small shrug as she gets out of the truck.

Christen is deciding if her vanilla cone will go best with rainbow or chocolate sprinkles as she walks to the door.   
  


—

Christen had no idea what this year was going to bring, but she figured it had to be better than the last few.

At some point, it can only go up after everything she’s lost.

She had no idea what this year was going to bring but she was excited and hopeful, she imagined all sorts of things happening for her.

There’s one thing she couldn’t have ever imagined would ever be a possibility though, and she’s living it right now. 

Tobin Heath has her lifted onto the back of her truck and is standing between her legs sharing licks of her ice cream cone and is kissing the sprinkles off of her lips. She’s got her laughing and she has her safe and warm in the comfort of her body heat between the arms bracketing her.

She would never admit that she’s dreamt of things like this with the girl in front of her before but she never, even in her wildest ones, thought it possible. Tobin has her laughing the hardest she’s ever laughed and Christen can’t remember ever feeling this happy. She’s absolutely blissed out and she thinks it’s possible Tobin may feel the same when she feels the girl place soft kisses to her neck after retreating into it with her own laughter.

The kisses weren’t meant to lead to anything and Christen thinks they may have even been put there without Tobin’s permission, just an instinct.

An instinct that Christen has every time she reaches out to the girl in front of her, her body just taking over.

She feels like she would give Tobin anything she asked for in this moment, she would answer anything the girl asked and wouldn’t even feel vulnerable in this moment, trusting Tobin with her very soul.

Anything but _one_ question, at least.

A question that Tobin would never think to ask, thankfully.

When she's done sharing her cone she’s biting her lip and bringing her right hand around Tobin’s back seeking her left back pocket, knowing what’s in there. Tobin opted for a couple of licks of Christen’s ice cream instead of getting her own because she wanted a small bag of sour gummy worms instead.

Sour gummy worms that Christen is now on a mission to tear open and try. Tobin is laughing at her and helping Christen’s hand find them and when they’re both in her back pocket she brings them out together. When she gets to them Tobin is shooing her away and opening them herself and when they’re open she brings it too far behind her back for Christen to reach.

Christen is pouting now wondering why she is being teased in the first place, but if Tobin’s smirk is anything to go by, she’s about to be teased some more. Christen pulls back from where she’s been clinging to her body heat and stares at her with a challenge in her eyes.

“Oh, did you want one?” Tobin asks, far too proud of herself for her own good. 

Christen looks at her fondly and huffs an unimpressed laugh out knowing Tobin is about to make her jump through some hoops for one. She just hopes the hoops involve her lips.

“Yes, I did.” Is all Christen gives her. 

Tobin softly hums at that with a small shrug and brings one to her mouth and chews it for a few seconds making obscene soft approving moans at the taste of the candy.

Christen is laughing at her antics because watching Tobin’s jaw move as she eats and listening to the sounds she’s making are far from a punishment to her, but she’ll bite anyway when the bait is offered.

She licks her lips in anticipation waiting for Tobin’s offer to win one.

“You said you’ve never had them before though, how do we know if you’ll like it?” 

Christen knows exactly where Tobin’s going now.

She’s biting a laugh back and she can’t stop her eyes from sparkling with amusement. She’s choosing which way she wants to answer when she decides she likes making Tobin work harder than she has to for these things.

“I think.. by trying one?” She responds with a hum and her index finger on her chin in mock thought. She knows Tobin is trying to get her to ask for a taste from her lips but she goes the literal route and goes for the bag of gummy worms again as Tobin brings them further even though Christen has no chance of reaching already.

“But what if they taste icky? I don’t want you to be stuck with it in your mouth.” She reasons with fake concern in her eyes. Christen is nodding at her pretending that she has a point. When Christen’s eyes flicker down to Tobin’s pretty waiting lips she decides to give in. 

“Do you have any other ideas?” She softly asks moving her hands around Tobin’s waist bringing her body closer, just barely. Tobin looks up in thought and when she looks down she makes a small fake sound of realization. 

“What about if you try it here first?” She asks in a deep raspy whisper and points to her lips with her right hand and Christen wants to laugh at how ridiculous the girl is but doesn’t. She doesn’t because Tobin’s voice sounds like there’s so much desire in it and Christen thinks she felt it in her lower stomach.

Christen is nodding her agreement slowly as they’re both leaning in and she’s pulling Tobin’s lower back further into her body. 

When their lips touch it’s nothing like any of the kisses they’ve ever shared, they’ve explored each other but never this thoroughly. The second she tasted Tobin with a hint of sour sugar she thinks she’s not responsible for any of her next actions. Their bodies are so close together a penny wouldn’t drop between them. She hears Tobin set down the candy next to her in the bed of her truck and she’s thankful for it because now she can feel both of Tobin’s hands under her thighs. The action brings out a whole new desire for her and she immediately brings her hips up just the slightest to seek a little friction and Tobin breaks the kiss to let out the prettiest gasp she’s ever heard.

Tobin rests her forehead on Christen’s and they’re trading puffs of air between them and Christen thinks she’ll never question Tobin’s desire for her again when she can physically feels her heartbeat throughout her whole body. Christen wants more but she can sense that Tobin has pulled back to bring her breathing down and she’s made no progress yet so she gives her time. She offers her help by rubbing up and down her back while she has her eyes closed and eventually they’re both back to normal.

Christen is comfortable and if Tobin wants, they can stay out here like this until the sun comes back up. She’s moving her head to Tobin’s shoulder now to give her more air and to feel her body even closer and Tobin seems happy to comply. When Christen is nuzzling into her neck and starts to place soft kisses there Tobin pulls back from her and looks into her eyes with her soft honey ones and breathes out a sigh. 

“I don’t know how to..” Tobin’s struggling to find words and Christen has seen the look before, she’s obviously battling with something inside and Christen lets her be.

The only thing she can do is not scare her off and hopes she continues after she works it out. They stay there like that with Tobin’s words hanging in the air between them and Christen continues to lightly trace patterns on the soft skin of her back underneath her shirt.

It’s become her favorite thing to do. 

“If you’ll let me, I’d like to take you to my place tonight but I need you to know..” She takes a breath here and Christen will give her all the time in the world. “We don’t have to do anything and-“ She looks around them now and she doesn’t know what she’s looking for but she stays quiet until she knows she’s done. 

“I need you to know that, _this_.” She pauses and brings her hands to Christen’s cheeks and she looks so serious and Christen wants to look away this time, she wants to lose the game they play just this once. 

“This is different.” She continues and she thinks Tobin’s bottom lip trembles just barely. “This is different to me.” 

Christen nods and she feels Tobin’s thumbs against her cheek bones and wonders if the girl in front of her is as strong as she seems.

She wanted to be nestled deeply into the other captains mind and she’s scared she has seeped into her soul the way Tobin has for her.

She’s stuck between happiness and guilt. 

She thinks it may just be the perfect night they’ve had that's making Tobin feel more sentimental and it will wear off.

She’s stuck between hoping that’s true and not.

If she’s going to be with her tonight, she’s going to open herself as much as she can, so she leads with the most honest thing she can tell her. 

“I want this.” Is what she’s whispering to Tobin with her eyes closed now and seeking the warmth from Tobin’s chest with her head so she can hear her heartbeat as she says what she’s always been too scared to say to her. 

Tobin grants it to her and places her hands behind Christen’s head as Christen mumbles a soft _want you_ into her, half hoping she didn’t hear it. 

She did.  
  
  


—

  
  


The drive to Tobin’s is the slowest seven minutes of her life, the only thing that gets Christen through it is Tobin’s hand on her thigh during the drive. Christen held onto her forearm the entire time to keep her in place and traced the pretty lines that keep Tobin alive. She’s thought about tracing them since she first noticed how prominent they are and she feels thankful that she can now.

A small part of her wishes she could explore the apartment Tobin calls home and find the things that belong to her and keep her happy.

A bigger part of her is more interested in the position she’s currently in between Tobin’s warm body and the wall in her entry way.

Christen doesn’t think she’s ever felt this hot before in her entire life, not even after the best game of her life. She must be hot to the touch because Tobin is tugging at her crew neck and actually.. maybe that’s not because of her temperature. 

Christen is so blissed out and lost in Tobin’s lips that she thinks she forgot about breathing at all because suddenly she thinks she might pass out.

She thinks oxygen is the worst thing that’s ever happened to her right now when she has to detach from Tobin to take a deep breath in from above them. Tobin must feel the same because she’s got her forehead against the wall behind Christen’s head and she can feel the harsh desperate inhales and exhales against her neck. She hears Tobin’s out of breath laugh in her neck and she smiles to herself because all they had to do was kiss like _normal_ people do.

“You’re trying to kill me.” Tobin gets out and Christen is laughing and smiling into Tobin’s neck now with her hands moving up to her shoulders.

When they relax for a few moments and their laughing subsides, Tobin pulls back and kisses her kiss swollen lips gently and patiently to slow them down. Christen is thankful for it because she thinks one of them might actually die if they don’t. Christen has never felt this hungry for another human being in her life, could never have even fathomed such a thing. She means it when she thinks of hunger because she is absolutely starving for Tobin. She has felt the tan warm skin of the girls back and the muscles that ripple there when she moves and Christen _knows_ the rest of her body does the same.

She thinks after everything, her favorite feeling will still be Tobin’s body weight against hers, steadying her. Christen craves it now, to have Tobin’s naked skin on hers with all of her body weight weighing her down and she gets goosebumps thinking about it. 

Tobin is kissing down her neck tenderly and Christen starts her mission, having no patience left. She’s got her hands under Tobin’s shirt in record time, thankfully already untucked and requesting for Tobin’s arms to go up to help her. Tobin breaks her kissing to help her and immediately resumes her trail after. Christen is giving her as much access as her neck will allow without breaking. Tobin has her hands on Christen’s hips underneath the fabric and Christen immediately thinks it has to go so she can feel their skin together for the first time.

She lifts the hem and gets it off as fast as possible making Tobin look between their bodies at Christen’s chest heaving and she looks like she just found a new world to explore and Christen understands the feeling. When Tobin pushes against her for the first time with both of their shirts off Christen thinks she may have even come untouched.

The moan that rips through her throat is absolutely embarrassing but she can’t think of it right now. Tobin is allowing her to choose what comes off at her own pace and as thankful as Christen is, she wishes Tobin would just rip everything off of both of them. She tries to signal it by clawing at Tobin’s sports bra but Tobin doesn’t help her take it off until Christen is lifting it for her. She does the same thing for her own and when their naked chests breathe together for the first time, Christen feels she wants to cry immediately.

She’s not even sure why but the tears gather at her eyes and she can’t stop two stray tears from leaving as she’s breathing with Tobin against the wall.

Tobin immediately pulls back and Christen knows Tobin probably thinks the tears are from feeling uncomfortable and she’s quick to explain for Tobin’s sake. 

“They’re happy ones.” Is all she rushes out and it’s a little humiliating that she cried before Tobin even really touched her but, what is she going to do? 

Tobin blinks at her and swallows probably not knowing what to do. She isn’t sure about Tobin’s experiences, but she’s willing to bet she’s never had a girl crying in the hallway before they even got to the bed.

Christen is positive her eyes are dry now and she hopes that’s all they had for her for the night. Tobin looks frozen and Christen refuses to let this ruin the mood. 

“It’s okay, I promise.” She whispers to her in the most sincere voice she can. She can’t see Tobin’s expression, barely visible in just the soft moonlight coming through the balcony windows of her living room but she hopes she believes her. She brings Tobin back by the hem of her pants and kisses her softly to relax her. The air in the room feels like it’s changed but it’s not the bad change she thought.

Tobin must’ve believed her because her hands are the lowest they’ve been all night and she’s gasping being pushed into Tobin’s thigh. Before she can register what’s happening, Tobin has her hands gripping harder on her thighs and she’s being lifted up and perched on her hips. Christen thinks-

She stops thinking because Tobin Heath is the _sexiest_ thing that’s ever touched the earth.

Tobin lays her on her bed like she’s the most sacred thing she’s ever held and Christen is trying not to cry again. Tobin is finally leading them after getting heartfelt permission and she’s unbuttoning Christen’s jeans slowly while kissing her lower stomach like she’s praying to it. 

“Is this okay?” Tobin’s hands are paused at the top of her jeans ready to come off and Christen nods eagerly. Tobin’s fingers grip into them and she makes a point to show Christen what she has in her hand, pulling her underwear up enough to see what she’s asking. 

“This too?” Christen’s breathing picks up and she nods again in similar fashion before she lays her head back onto the soft comforter she’s laid on.

Tobin brings them both down slowly, kissing down her thighs and legs as they go and she takes her socks off, kissing her ankles and Christen doesn’t even need to be touched she’s so sensitive. Tobin kisses up her legs now and she’s getting close to where Christen knows she’s about to see how affected she’s been all night. Her small gasp confirms she knows when she feels air between her legs as Tobin spreads them gently.

The first touch is a soft kiss and Christen wants to laugh at how _Tobin_ that is.

Christen thinks if Tobin puffs a breath of air on her the right way she’s going to be gone and the way Tobin is treating her, she thinks she knows that too.

Well she thought she knew that, but she hears a soft hum from Tobin and when she looks down to find her, she feels her bring everything Christen has into her mouth.

Christen thinks she’s absolutely going to _die_ with this much pleasure and her heart is so loud she thinks the neighbors can hear it through the walls. She grips the sheets around her so hard she feels her muscles give out and before she can tell Tobin to slow down, she feels her entire body contract in pleasure and she’s coming around Tobin’s fingers she put in at the perfect time bringing her down softly and lapping up everything around her.

Christen finished within two minutes of being on her bed and she’s so deeply sated that she doesn’t even care. 

Tobin is with her again when she opens her eyes and her body weight is barely leaning into her as she’s on her side with her pants still on. Tobin is leaning on her elbow over Christen’s face and she’s got one knuckle catching another stray tear that must’ve fallen. Christen is so exhausted from the physical and emotional release that she gently grasps onto the hand Tobin is using. She lays the side of her face in her palm and kisses it, not knowing how to express what she’s feeling. She lets her hand go as she moves to kiss Tobin’s lips and she tastes herself for the first time there. Tobin is getting lost in the kiss as Christen brings her hands down for the only clothing left between them. She breathes in Tobin’s exhales against her forehead when she unbuttons them and asks for Tobin’s help with a sound of displeasure. Tobin chuckles at her and lifts herself off the bed to stand and to her surprise, Christen sits up between her legs in a request to help her anyway.

She has her hands on Tobin’s that were about to remove them and she gently pushes them away as she brings her fingers to dip into them. Tobin is looking at her with the prettiest eyes she’s ever seen and she wishes she had more light so she could see every emotion in them. She slowly brings Tobin’s pants down as she kisses down her warm athletic stomach and stops at the band of her briefs. Tobin kicks her legs out of her pants and Christen has her hands on the back of Tobin’s thighs suckling on the lines that go down into a v. Tobin’s hands take purchase in Christen’s hair and when she looks up at her she’s never seen a sexier sight in her life.

She has her fingers dipped into Tobin’s briefs now and she looks up for permission that’s quickly granted. 

When Tobin is finally rid of all of her clothes Christen immediately pulls at her to be on top, eager to feel the warm skin and weight of her.

When she finally has what she’s waited for, the sigh that leaves her is so deep she thinks it was from her soul. She wraps her legs around Tobin while her hand travels between their bodies. She knows there’s things that you keep to yourself and there’s things that you tell the other person in this situation, she decides right now that she doesn’t believe in that. She wants Tobin to know what she wants so she lets it out when her fingers reach Tobin’s wetness and she hears her gasp as Christen is sighing into her neck at the feeling. 

“You can put all of your weight on me.” Is what she goes with to make it seem like a casual statement to let Tobin know she can take it, instead of her incessant _need_ at the feeling. She’s realized it’s become a thing for her now, every time she feels Tobin’s warm weight on her or around her, she feels like she’s transcending into another universe that she’s known existed her whole life but could never find.

When Tobin’s warm body is against her she feels like nothing could ever hurt her. She doesn’t know when this has turned into a kink but apparently it has. 

Apparently Christen’s idea to mention it casually didn’t work, because when she finds Tobin’s eyes they’re dark with understanding. When Tobin lets most of her weight go between Christen’s legs trapping her between the mattress she decides she doesn’t care that she knows the truth. Tobin makes her come three more times that night and two of them are in that very position and she brings Tobin right with her.   
  
Tobin is warm and attentive and it’s better than she could have ever dreamt, she’s not sure if Tobin feels the same way but she knows when they’ve exhausted themselves for the night, Tobin clings to her like she never has before.

She thinks maybe that’s new for her.

Christen falls asleep that night trading tired kisses and to Tobin’s fingers scratching up and down her naked back while her heartbeat lulls her to sleep. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading.


	10. Gravity.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Christen just wants to be flattened like a crepe.

She’s a little wet is her first thought when she wakes up. 

Like, everywhere.

She groggily tries to get out of whatever it is that’s making her so damn hot but the blanket is already kicked off of her. When she opens her other eye and they both become more aware of her surroundings she notices a few things.

First, Tobin is the perfect bundle of cute limbs and messy chestnut hair this morning. Second, Christen feels wonderfully sore. Lastly-

Oh god, the source of heat is coming from the bundle of cute she is watching. Tobin is an absolute radiator and Christen has lost four pounds of water weight. She’s exhausted from the night they spent together and now that she’s moved away, she grabs a sheet to cover herself and hopes that the space will cool her off. When she lays back down she’s mesmerized by the tan skin of Tobin’s back and She’s lulled back to sleep by the gentle exhales leaving her body.

The next time Christen wakes up, she slowly opens her eyes to find Tobin’s half open ones and feels her fingers in her hair. Christen’s grinning up at her with her eyes closing again at the thought of being able to wake up to Tobin like this. She’s so relaxed, she feels like she’s living in a dream.

When she opens her eyes one more time she sees the sun poking out beautifully into Tobin’s room and Tobin’s eyes are closed now but her fingers are still playing with Christen’s baby hairs. She burrows further into the pillow to continue her dreaming when she feels it again and she starts to sit up on her elbow realizing she naturally scooted closer to Tobin in her sleep. 

“You are quite literally the hottest human being I have ever met.” 

Tobin smirks at that with her eyes remaining closed and her hand on Christen’s pillow robbed of it’s toy. Tobin only has a sheet lightly draped at her waist and she’s mostly laying on her stomach now with her left hand under her pillow. 

“Sorry.” She mumbles half into her pillow opening her eyes for Christen to finally see in the sunlight. She doesn’t know if this has ever crossed her mind before but-

Tobin Heath can have whatever she wants. 

Her light eyelashes are illuminated with the sun and Christen wishes she could kiss them somehow but thinks better of it as a rational adult. Christen is smiling down at her now and she knows Tobin is fully awake and ready for the day when she feels her strong arm wrap around her waist and pull her in. Christen has no choice but to be brought into her laughing and when she gets there, Tobin flips her onto her back and is burrowing into her neck.

Tobin smells absolutely heavenly this morning, the faint smell of sweat only fueling Christen’s desire for it. Tobin is staring down at her fondly, ready to play their game and Christen feels confident enough to win all of her little eye contact battles now as she stares right back with a small smile. Tobin has her right thumb tracing down Christen’s eyebrow like the first night they ever spent together and she thinks of how far they’ve already come. 

“Close your eyes.” She softly requests and Christen furrows her eyebrows but who is she to deny her such a simple thing.

“This is my favorite color.” Tobin informs her ever so gently with the pad of her thumb barely touching her eyelid. The action makes the one eye open naturally and she realizes Tobin did it on purpose when she whispers the next part.

“Right there.” 

Christen thinks Tobin has already endured enough crying from her for a while so she tries to keep her emotions at bay this morning. She isn’t sure when crying became something so instinctual at the mere sight of something, but being here, being with _her_ , it can instantly bring the tears when she thinks of how Tobin has been _here_ this whole time. 

They lay in bed for another few minutes until Tobin offers to get them breakfast after a quick shower and Christen imagines she looks like a kid on Christmas. They coexist comfortably and while Christen showers, Tobin brushes her teeth and gets clothes ready for her. When they switch, she wraps Christen in a towel with a soft kiss to her cheek. 

Tobin put out a couple of sweatpants for her to choose from and a few comfy looking shirts and Christen can smell Tobin as she puts it over her head and she thinks about how long she can keep it and how long the scent will last. 

When Tobin takes her home an hour later after feeding her bites of cream cheese bagels, she leaves her at her door with several chocolate sweet kisses from the hot chocolate they shared. The first one is slow and Christen thinks she’s trying to say thank you with it. The next ones seem to be Tobin fighting with herself to leave. 

When she finally does, Christen watches her walk away through the window of the building before she starts the journey up the stairs. 

She’s calculating from personal experience how much space Tobin is going to need from her, after spending almost 24 hours together.

After the emotional night they had, she imagines a couple of years.

She thinks of all the time that has been wasted between them, they’ve grown together but far apart and she hates that she feels like she missed out on an entire life in front of her eyes. She just wants to make up for the time they missed. She knows this had to be somewhere in their plans at some point, all the reasons she ever ignored it seem almost laughable now. 

She just hopes the week goes by fast.

—

  
  
Something is wrong. 

Christen can feel something shift in the universe, she hopes it’s all in her head but it means all the same things to her.

Tobin hasn’t taken any space from her at all. In fact, she’s been texting her throughout her days and she sees her whenever she can. All of that and Christen still somehow believes it’s still not enough Tobin for her, but she’ll take whatever she gives her. She prays and prays that the feelings of doubt she has at their newfound closeness is just her mind trying to cope with the stress of it all.

Maybe it’s her body trying to prepare her for when Tobin inevitably finds out later rather than sooner about the plans she made and leaves her. Maybe it’s just the anxiety of the season being this close. Maybe it’s that she knows there’s only two weeks left until both Tobin and her start their team practices. She’s not sure, all she’s sure of is she feels uneasy. She feels like Tobin is being gifted to her through the universe before she is torn away from her hands. She hopes it’s just insecurity or irrational worrying.

Tobin also hasn’t mentioned the rule at all, she thought at some point she would bring it up, because to her knowledge Christen has no idea.

She thinks maybe the rule just doesn’t matter anymore now that she has Christen.

She hopes, anyway.

It’s a few weeks from the first full night they spent together and it’s now the Monday two weeks before their first official practice Monday. She last saw Tobin Saturday, Tobin opted to hangout at her school's Sunday bbq scrimmage while Christen spent her Sunday getting her grocery shopping done and spending the night with her own team, secretly missing the days she was getting used to spending with Tobin. 

She figures they were due for a break and she’s happy to oblige for the both of them remaining healthily independent. Tobin’s last text to her was a few minutes ago as Christen started to get her bag from her car and bring it to the awaiting pitch. 

**Tobin** _(3:12 PM):_  
Sun is perfect for you today. 

It’s simple. Some people may even think it was a quick text out of obligation while Tobin would be in her truck at this time getting ready to go work out. 

Christen knows though, she knows the text was thoughtfully sent and took some convincing to send from Tobin herself. Tobin has adapted so beautifully to being part of Christen’s life and It’s one of Christen’s favorite parts about the girl. The text is simple and it seems like it was written and sent without thought, but Christen knows. She knows she did it for her, in her own way. Christen gets it.

Christen will make sure to thank her for it in her own way when she sees her after training.

Christen’s new favorite way to spend time after training is taking naps with Tobin, she’ll find the white truck there waiting for her sometimes with sun kissed arms ready for her. Her favorite sleeping spot is right under Tobin’s arm when her hands are behind her head, a close second to being nestled deeply into her neck. Her favorite way to study now has become with her bare feet laid into Tobin’s lap as the latter watches basketball highlights and distractedly massages her legs. One of her favorite tastes is the coffee and mint mixed kisses Tobin gives her before she leaves in the morning whenever they can spend the night together. Her favorite smell hasn’t changed, it’s just Tobin, all the time. 

She hasn’t been able to wake up to her more than twice this week due to classes which is why she thinks weekends from here on out will be used strictly for that, if she has anything to say about it. She reminds herself often that she’s trying to make up for lost time in her own mind but also, Tobin is just absolutely addicting to her. 

“God, you’re salivating.” 

Christen jumps a little at the interruption and immediately smirks when she sees Ali staring at her from where she stopped to turn around and make the sly comment while walking backwards. They both laugh at the fact that they both know what was the source of Christen’s stupor.

When they get to the bench they both start changing into their boots and Ali is still smiling at her. 

“It’s going that well, huh?” 

Christen nods with a bite to her lip. It is going well, it’s going better than she could have ever imagined. There’s a looming cloud in her mind ready to rain on it but for now she enjoys the moments she has. Ali hums and when Christen looks over, her smile has become a slight frown and she wonders if Ali is thinking about the pending doom as well.

She feels the question on Ali’s lips but doesn’t ask, mostly not wanting to know what it is. Unfortunately, life isn’t always that kind.

“Christen, we should probably talk about-“ 

“Can we talk about it another time?” Christen interrupts her with not one ounce of guilt. Ali nods her head with a small smile and they continue to get ready in silence as they hear the other girls already stretching as Kelley is obnoxiously laughing at something. 

Christen isn’t thinking about this yet, she’s got time.

—

  
  
When Christen is fresh out of the shower she’s got a pair of Tobin’s training shorts she’s “borrowing” on, it may not be a good sign, how much she’s missed Tobin in one day but she’s not going to think about that either. She’s practically running down the stairs with the keys she barely remembered to grab on her way out when she sees Zack coming up the stairs. 

“Dang girl slow down, you’re gonna fall.” Zack is laughing as he puts his arms out to help her at the last step and Christen scoffs at him with a smirk and a hit to the shoulder as she gets by him.

“By the way!” She shouts when she turns around before she opens the door, effectively stopping him. “JJ worked _really_ hard at training today, she deserves a massage for sure.” Zack is smiling at her knowing exactly what she’s doing with her friend in mind. 

“Tobin was working _really_ hard in the gym today too, looks like we’ll both be pampering tonight.” Before she turns around to leave she gives him a grin, and she would never admit it but the feeling of Zack casually mentioning the other captain in that way to her ignited a comfortable fire in her stomach. 

She’ll definitely keep that in mind.

When she sees Tobin’s truck in the parking lot, she’s instantly feeling giddy and when she sees Tobin herself leaning against the front of it, her heart feels like it’s going to burst. She spots Tobin before she notices her and she’s taking full advantage of the time to take her in.

Tobin is freshly showered and ready for a nap, Christen can tell because she has her baggy team usa sweatpants on, not wanting to take the extra energy of getting her joggers up just right and she’s got her dark tee shirt on that’s too big for her with a few holes in the neckline with paint stains.

She didn’t need Zack to tell her Tobin worked hard today because she would have already known. When Tobin eventually hears her footsteps she looks up and when she meets her eyes, there’s a sleepy grin on her face and she’s opening her arms for Christen to fall into. Christen does just that, softly nuzzling into her neck and placing her lips to her pulse point. Tobin’s arms are under Christen’s hoodie around her back in record time lifting Christen up just barely with her lips pressing kisses under her ear. Tobin’s humming in appreciation at what she finds there and Christen isn’t sure what it could even really be, but she’s thinking about how she loves the sound before Tobin luckily informs her.

“You’re wearing my favorite fragrance.” 

“I’m not wearing anything.” Christen pulls back to give her a confused look with a grin still permanently in place. 

“Exactly.” Tobin says giving her a soft kiss before continuing looking into the sky for inspiration, “I call it, _Christen_ by God.” 

Christen wants to know if she sits and comes up with these things or if they just bounce around her mind and she just picks one when she starts talking.

Christen is beaming at her with laughter and rubbing the back of Tobin’s neck as Tobin’s eyes look droopy when she finds them and she feels a pang of sympathy for her, thinking of her driving them twenty minutes away and twenty minutes back later.

It’s a dumb thing to feel sorry for but she’s learned at the sight of the slightest pout on Tobin’s lips, she wants to fix whatever it is that put it there.

Christen suddenly doesn’t even care what the consequences may be, she knows what she’s going to do as soon as she sees Tobin’s eyes close in exhaustion as Christen starts a slow rub down her back. She’s only got herself to thank for the idea, really. She’ll give Zack a little credit if he’s going to hold her to it but really he got it from her anyway.

“What hurts?” She whispers to Tobin trying to find what’s sore in the tired girl in front of her.

She knows it’s going to be her lower back for sure but wants to know what muscle group she did today so she can work on those too. Tobin opens her eyes and opens her mouth to definitely deny that anything is hurting but Christen beats her to it with an intense _don’t lie to me_ look. Tobin huffs and looks away from her, she knew that was coming too.

“My back.” Is the unhelpful answer she offers. Christen smirks at the way she has to pull teeth with the girl in front of her for the smallest of things sometimes. What Tobin doesn’t know is she’s not asking to make conversation, she has a solution in mind for her. 

“That’s it?” Christen hums in mock approval bringing her hands up and down Tobin’s back soothingly. “You’re sure?” 

Tobin nods at her with certainty, ready for the conversation to move on. Christen isn’t letting it though, as she opts for playing a little dirty now. She hums one last time before she starts her journey with her hands.

Her first destination is Tobin’s biceps as she brings her hands down past her shoulders gently but surely, when she locks onto the muscle she starts slowly and deeply kneading it to see if she did a back or chest day for her arms depending on if it’s her biceps or triceps that hurt. When no response really leaves Tobin, just a sigh at the action relaxing into her, she continues her journey. Her next stop is Tobin’s thighs to see if she did leg day. She brings her hands down gently at first and when she makes it to her right hamstring she starts softly kneading it to test Tobin’s face and Tobin hisses in pain immediately.

Christen raises her eyebrows at her with a small victorious smile at finding the extra tender area.

“Leg day, huh?”

Tobin gives her an unimpressed scowl and huffs. 

“Are you doing free physicals or something?” Is Tobin’s snarky reply and it’s said lightheartedly, like their usual banter but there is a small bite that Christen picks up on. She is sore and grumpy and Christen bites her lip back to contain a laugh at her double discovery. 

Tobin is definitely cranky. 

The reality of it is, Christen doesn’t want Tobin to have to drive around town tonight when she could be resting. The problem is, Christen can’t drive them herself because she’d have to either drive Tobin’s truck, which is not happening, or drop Tobin off at her truck later tonight, defeating the purpose. She’s stuck between a rock and a hard place and there’s really only one option. 

She’s going to have to trust Kelley to be mature and civil with Tobin because she’s going to bring her upstairs and let her sleep here tonight. Tobin would only have to wake up twenty minutes earlier than usual to be on her regular schedule and drive to make it to her first class after a well rested night of sleep and massaging.

Unfortunately, she’s also going to have to tell Tobin about using JJ’s apartment that night, the girl has never been in her real apartment before. Sacrifices will be made for the sleepy girl in front of her. She’s got Tobin’s tiredly held up chin in her hand when she clicks her tongue in sympathy. 

“Sleep here tonight.” Is her quiet request. Tobin furrows her eyebrows probably thinking about how it would work and if she has everything she needs.

“I have enough of your outfits to send you to class for like a week.” She scoffs trying to rest her worries. Tobin laughs softly at that knowing it’s true. “You’d only have to wake up like twenty minutes earlier than usual.” Her voice is slowly turning into a whine and she knows it. Tobin knows it too based on her expressive eyebrows. 

“I’ll take care of you.” She’s working on her last offers trying to close the deal looking up at honey eyes through her eyelashes. “Make you dinner, tuck you in, all that.” Tobin blows out a laugh with her head back now and Christen knows she has her but she decides to use her finishing move anyway.

“Please, baby.” She whispers softly like a prayer.

Tobin visibly melts at that like she’s made out of putty and Christen knows exactly why, she’s let the term slip out a handful of times last weekend. She blurted it out while Tobin found what she thinks became her favorite part of Christen’s body that day. Tobin has since sought out the spot on the inside of her left thigh ever since like she’s trying to find her own personal treasure.

She always does.

Tobin is nodding her head like she’d follow Christen anywhere after that and Christen knows the feeling.   
  
  


—

After she explains the necessary things to her, including Kelley, she’s got her standing in her kitchen and she couldn’t be happier. She’s getting Tobin whatever she needs before she stores her away in her bed for the next couple of hours until dinner. Tobin has no requests but Christen knows she’s going to need a water bottle next to the bed for when she wakes up and a quick snack now because she knows she hasn’t eaten since noon.

She grabs a water and a granola bar trading it with Tobin for her hand as she leads her to her room. When Tobin is looking around for a while eating her granola bar, Christen is making sure her bed has a sheet on it for Tobin instead of her usual comforter.

When she finally gets Tobin to lay down, pulling her away from Christen’s photos on her desk, she looks at the sight in front of her and she sighs.

She’s so deeply satisfied in her bones with how Tobin looks in her bed that she thinks if Tobin wasn’t her first priority, she would opt for forgetting the alarm to stay close to her until the morning, She has to feed her though, is the thing. 

Her plan tonight definitely involved more massaging and probably some joke about a happy ending but looking at how exhausted the girl is, she isn’t so sure it’s in their plans until the morning. She’ll happily settle for rubbing down her warm back as she sleeps.

Tobin is as comfortable as she’s ever looked and she may even already be asleep if it wasn’t for her desire to have Christen next to her. She has one eye barely open lifting the sheet up for her and who is Christen to deny her this. When she makes it into the bed she has one request and she’s going to ask for it without using words.

She’s immediately nestled into Tobin’s side as the girl is drifting into the deepest sleep of her life when Christen lifts her as much as she can to get her leg through and Tobin has to accept the request or she can’t do it on her own. Also, she really just doesn’t want to bother her too much either.

She waits patiently and when she finally sees Tobin become more aware, she feels her lift just the slightest and she’s finally got Tobin where she wants her. She has her legs bracketing Tobin safely as almost everything she has to offer in body weight is resting on Christen’s own and she feels the familiar feeling of safety as she traces soft patterns into Tobin’s warm back with her palms under her shirt.

Tobin is out the second she’s on Christen’s chest, she can feel it in her breathing as her chest is moving with hers. It feels familiar because they’ve done this what feels like a hundred times already, but today feels different.

Today she feels the familiar safety of it but she also feels equally as protective of the girl asleep on her. She feels overwhelmed with how much she wants to keep her safe, she knows there’s things that are coming to hurt her and she can’t stand that she’s involved in it all. She’s desperately trying to keep her breathing normal at the thought of it all, knowing it could wake Tobin easily with how their chests move together.

She doesn’t know how to fix this. 

She has two more weeks.


	11. Dusk.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When the day falls to the night.

Waking up next to Tobin is a spiritual experience. 

If Christen hadn't already comfortably decided on her faith, the thing that may have sold her is Tobin’s existence.

There’s a heartbeat that she thinks may have been designed with the intention of lulling even the most restless souls to sleep. The warmth that the body next to her provides, she believes was intended for warming the coldest of days on this earth. She thinks of how Tobin’s eyes were handcrafted to resemble the gift from one of the most important creatures on the earth. Tobin’s hands were specifically designed soft and smart with the purpose to create and heal. Tobin is a gift wrapped in the _prettiest_ of packages and Christen feels enchanted with the knowledge.

Christen has a plan for this morning before she sends Tobin off to class and she’s not sure if the girl will be a willing participant or not.

She decides there’s only one way to find out when she looks at the first alarm she set on her phone and turns it off before it sounds. She’s moving to flip them over after Tobin has fallen mostly to her side in her sleep and when she has Tobin on her back, she’s calmly bringing her out of her slumber by softly scratching at her stomach. 

“Tobin.” 

No reply.

“It’s time to get up.”

Nothing.

“I have a surprise for you.” 

Tobin is suddenly a little more responsive to that with a sleepy sigh and Christen thinks maybe she was more awake than she thought. She knows Tobin had the best sleep of her life, she knows it with how relaxed her usually tense face in the morning is at the thought of getting up. Christen checks the time once more and looks at the clothes she set out next to the fluffy towel after dinner last night with the intention of saving time.

“I have an idea on how to ease the tension in your legs and body for the day.” Is the husky whisper that makes its way into Tobin’s ear. It’s a little deceiving she thinks, but she’s willing to help her with the alternative as well.

Tobin looks like she’s piqued her interest and when she sees her favorite eyes start to peak open and Tobin discreetly starts to stretch, she knows she has to ask now.

“Can we take a bubble bath?” 

It’s almost comical how Tobin’s face falls. She’s only woken up with Tobin a few times now and she already knows how unwilling the girl is to wake up early for anything. She bites her lip in an attempt to keep the chuckle in but she decides Tobin just needs a little more motivation. 

“I’ll make you those french toast sticks you-“

Tobin’s eyes are wide open now and Christen is laughing before she can finish her sentence. She’s learned already that Tobin’s absolute favorite thing to eat is french toast. While she wishes she could make her real french toast, she knows they don’t have time for that. Tobin doesn’t mind though, she’s just as happy with the frozen sticks version from the store as long as she has syrup.

After Tobin kisses her good morning and Christen feels satisfied with the amount of sleepy skin she’s smelled and nuzzled, she’s got her ready to go.

She leads her to the bathroom quietly and when she starts the bath and gets it ready, Tobin stretches her limbs and brushes her teeth sleepily in the mirror.   
  


It was always meant to be like this.

—

  
Tobin absolutely loved the bath.

She may never admit it but Christen knows it by the way she physically felt the tension leave her muscles as she kneaded them. She heard it in the dreamy sighs that were made in the back of Tobin’s throat and let out without permission.

She made them breakfast and Tobin thanked her in syrup sweet kisses that she can still taste on her lips. Her first class doesn’t start for another hour but she knows the other girl has to leave now or she won’t make hers.

Tobin has her lifted up on the kitchen counter ready to say thank you to Christen’s neck for the breakfast too while Christen continues to grin, when she hears Kelley’s dramatic groaning. She’s taking it very seriously apparently, as if she just caught her parents going at it. Kelley follows that up with covering her eyes, pretending she’s been blinded and Christen can’t hold in her laugh. Tobin looks like she’d like to murder her with a frying pan before she steps back with a huff.

Kelley and Tobin are.. well they’re a work in progress. Last night didn’t go so bad, after their nap yesterday, Christen woke up and made a quick chicken and broccoli stir fry for dinner for all of them and when Kelley was face to face with Tobin for the first time in their apartment, it didn’t go terrible. 

It didn’t go great, either.

Kelley let a few sly comments out and Tobin was good at taking most of them, they even created a bit of banter between them and Christen thought it was going better than she imagined. That is, until Tobin complimented the dinner and Kelley made a joke under her breath about Tobin saying it to get into the chefs pants. Christen was about to chuckle thinking it was funny but Tobin’s jaw clenched while she was shooting lasers at a snickering Kelley. 

This morning seems to be the same energy between them as Kelley continues to gag while Tobin huffs and gets her things ready. When Kelley thankfully decides she’s done being a toddler for the morning, Christen couldn’t be happier to have Tobin alone in the space by their doorway.

Tobin still has her face scrunched up, making mocking noises at nothing as she gets her shoes tied down on one knee. Maybe Christen shouldn’t find it as funny and endearing as she does but here she is, biting a laugh back at her hero who deals with Kelley this early. 

When the other captain is all set to leave, Christen has her hand in her own as she’s walking her down the stairs to the lobby doors. It’s still cold in the mornings and Christen still has the after bath chills so she opts to depart from Tobin here.

She’s on the lobby floor as Christen stopped one step above to put her arms around Tobin’s shoulders to be taller. After a series of kisses, Tobin’s pout becomes a small smile and her hands are warm at Christen’s back underneath her shirt. She thinks she’ll carry the touches there for the rest of her life, each pattern Tobin draws there for her.

She doesn’t want to become codependent, she’s never been. The feeling of wanting somebody else around in this way and this often is entirely new to her and she tries to remember, it’s most likely because of the high stress situation and the visceral need to make up for lost time.

It’s much harder to give up time with the girl pressing soft kisses to her neck when she is constantly remembering how this will probably be gone one day. Christen sighs out loud at that and pulls back from Tobin giving her one last soft chaste kiss and leaning her forehead on the warm one in front of her.

“Sorry for waking you up early this morning.” 

“No you’re not.” Tobin is smirking at her and Christen shrugs at that with a grin when she leans back, she isn’t all that sorry when she spent the morning nuzzling soft naked skin in a warm bath. Tobin is humming fondly up at her with her hand comfortably on Christen’s jaw.

“You can have anything you want with this face, you know.” Is the soft statement said into her lips as Tobin gives her a last kiss back. 

Christen hums at that because she believes her, she feels the same way about Tobin’s. It’s only fair she can have the same. Christen gives her a soft smile knowing she has to leave now. Tobin leaves with a soft goodbye and Christen watches her leave until she’s out of sight against the cold wall with her arms crossed.

There’s a timer that looms over her head like a dark cloud about to unleash a terrible storm. 

—

Wednesday and Thursday go by quickly, with a lot of studying to do for Friday and a lot of preparing Kelley for her date with Alex Friday night as well.

She’s seen Alex a handful of times now due to becoming a frequent flyer at her and Tobin’s apartment and Alex becoming one slowly at her and Kelley’s. They mostly just greet each other in passing and make small talk, she does like the girl with the raspy voice.

She used to seem far more intimidating but that could be because instead of trying to murder each other for the ball, she’s just walking out of Kelley’s room quietly padding to the bathroom in the mornings now. 

She wonders how Kelley went from hating their rival team to being friends with half of them and trying to put babies into one of their top players. At least that’s what Christen thinks Kelley’s trying to do, after one night Alex became so loud asking for one that she thought she had no idea she was home.

She hopes Alex knows Kelley can’t exactly do that. 

She has a feeling Kelley tries anyway. 

With that thought Christen has a grimace on her face with both of her hands slightly in the air to freeze the rest of them. That’s enough thinking for the day. 

“Are you thinking of how bad Tobin smells?” 

Christen huffs at that because if only Kelley knew how good Tobin smells, every inch of sun kissed skin smells like home to Christen. They’re getting Kelley’s car packed after training and Christen was just done teasing Kelley about her date tonight, so she probably deserves some back. Well Tobin will take this one anyway.

Christen is looking around currently for the one ball missing from the bag, she has 9 here and knows nobody accidentally took one. Kelley looks at what she’s holding with a curious face and realizes there’s one missing as well and looks around to help her with a hum. 

Oh. Ashlyn has it by the entrance of the field. She could have just left it earlier on the- 

Ali is also with her and they don’t look very happy. In fact, Ali has her hands on her hips in challenge and Christen herself knows that’s not good. 

“Wonder what they’re fighting about, it’s Friday.” Kelley asks and Christen looks at her perplexed.

“What is it, a holiday? No couple fight Friday?” Christen is laughing now shutting Kelley’s trunk because well, she isn’t going to ask for that ball right now. 

“Why would you start a fight on Friday with someone you have sex with all weekend normally? Sounds counterproductive to me.” Kelley shrugs and Christen is amazed at the way her friend's brain absorbs certain things sometimes. Alex is absolutely getting more than she bargained for, is Christen’s last thought before she hears tires pull into the parking lot.

When she looks to see, she’s more than surprised at finding Tobin’s truck pulling into a space. They’ve texted the last two days but no plans were made. When Tobin gets out with her usual grin, Christen feels like a kid on Christmas at the sight of her favorite gift.

“Hey, what are you doing here?” She softly asks.

“Just came to see you.” Is the even softer reply effectively warming Christen’s neck. Tobin looks like public be damned she may just scoop Christen up right there- 

“I’m getting out of here before you get railed in the parking lot.”

Kelley breaks her out of her trance and Christen gives her a quick behave look but knows Tobin already has a scowl and it’s too late. No chance in being scooped like a chip in dip now, is there. Kelley is snickering to herself when she gets her bag off the floor and kisses Christen on the cheek as she’s about to leave. Christen smiles at her at the usual action but holds her there before she pulls back trying to make it into a whisper for her own good.

“The date tonight, you’re okay?” Kelley nods her head understanding Christen is making sure she doesn’t need any other pep talks before she leaves to get ready. Christen accepts it and lets go and watches as Kelley opens her door and stops to turn to them, starting to point at Tobin, probably about to put an even bigger scowl on the girls face, but they all stop to look at the commotion. 

Ali is walking away to her own car wiping her face as Ashlyn’s tires hastily leave the parking lot. The fight must’ve been worse than either of them even realized. Christen will have to call her as soon as she gets home. Kelley looks over and looks back to Christen with a frown, it’s going to be a rough weekend for those two.

“Oh man, on a Friday. That sucks.” Tobin lets out softly, probably mostly to herself because she’s just now seeing the situation. 

Kelley and Christen both look to Tobin and stare at her at first and then look at each other with the same thought. Christen bites back her grin as much as she can at Kelley’s scowl at the girl. This is the first time Kelley is probably seeing how alike the two of them are and she seems to hate it. 

Christen however, has known the two of them are similar for quite some time now. She also can’t stop the fond realization that she absolutely is getting more than she bargained for with Tobin. 

Tobin looks self conscious at the silence that ensued and has her hands in her pockets now standing awkwardly. Christen can’t wait to kiss her, she thinks. Kelley gets into the car with a shake of her head knowing she’s going to be teased about this from Christen later and starts her car. As she’s pulling out Tobin gets closer to Christen and turns her back to the car leaving to ask Christen a soft question.

“Was that bad to say?”

Christen lets the soft laugh escape her lips finally at the question asked in a small voice and shakes her head no and wraps her arms around her. She immediately gives her neck a soft kiss, smelling the skin there now that she’s craved it. Tobin relaxes into it and lifts her up just the slightest with her arms around Christen’s lower back, peppering kisses into her hair before putting her down. 

“What are you doing this weekend?” Tobin softly asks her while getting a hair out of Christen’s face. Christen pulls Tobin’s hand with her as she starts walking towards her car to put her bag away. 

“Same as most.” She says smiling to her and burrowing into her side as they walk and Tobin gives her a soft hum.

“So, you don’t have to be anywhere until noon tomorrow then, yeah?” She’s asking with a hint of a smirk and Christen knows she’s up to something. She knows it’s going to be beneficial for her if she’s reading Tobin as well as she thinks she can. She responds with a bite to her lip with a nod making sure Tobin knows she’s very free until then. Tobin responds with another hum as Christen puts her bag in her car and shuts the door. When she turns around to ask Tobin what she wants to do today, she’s so close to her their noses are almost touching and Christen loses her breath.

She loves this version of Tobin, the one that will tease her relentlessly until she gets what she wants from Christen. Christen immediately has her hands on Tobin’s sides to keep her grounded and leans back comfortably bringing her with her ever so slightly. Tobin leans into her space and nuzzles by her ear, kissing under it while she sneaks her hand much lower than Christen’s back and pulls her into her thigh just the slightest bit. Christen gasps at the action almost silently as Tobin pulls back and rests her head on her own. 

“What if I told you I have my truck packed with everything we’ll need until then, and I’d like to take you somewhere.” She asks as her finger trails down Christen’s jaw to tilt her chin with a smile. Christen is beaming at her, waiting to repeat one of the first things Tobin said to her when they first started hanging out.

“Sounds like a kidnapping to me, but I’ll bite.” She whispers and waits for realization on Tobin’s face. Tobin has the biggest smile to match Christen’s now and they’re both laughing as Tobin takes her finger off her chin and gently taps her nose with it before she takes Christen’s keys from her jacket pocket and steps back immediately, walking backwards with a smirk.

“Consider yourself kidnapped then.” She says as she starts to turn around and walk to her truck laughing. Christen follows her with a frown from the loss of contact ready to protest but far too late as Tobin already has her passenger door open. Christen pouts as Tobin pats the seat with a smile. 

“In you go.” 

“Yeah, yeah, okay.” She sighs when she gets in. Tobin steps up quickly to put Christen’s seat belt on her before she can do it herself and after she’s done she rewards Christen for her cooperation with a gentle kiss that turns into something much deeper for a few seconds. Tobin backs away smiling at her with a warning finger as Christen sighs in defeat.

“Almost got me.” 

When they eventually pass through the city, Christen finally turns around to peek in the back and sees what she believes is hell.

“Oh god, you really are going to kill me or you’re taking me camping, which is the same thing.” Tobin laughs at this as Christen covers her mouth at the last part, forgetting that if Tobin is in fact taking her camping, she just made her feel like crap about it. 

“No, not camping baby.” Christen melts at the way they’ve adopted the word and the way Tobin’s lips wrap around it as she says it. She’s quite confused though, thinking about what else the things in the back could be for she leans on the middle console trying to search for even more clues. 

Tobin looks over to her smiling and gently shooing her away back into her seat as she scolds her and drives. 

“Christen Annemarie Press, I will turn this damn car around if you don’t-“ 

Christen is laughing so happily back in her seat that she thinks Tobin couldn’t even finish her scold properly. The rest of the drive is spent with the windows down soaking in the rest of the sun that the backroads and their trees have to offer.

Christen’s favorite two things in the world morph into one quite often, the sun offers a peace that she’s never found in a person before Tobin and she thinks maybe they’re one in the same. God knows, Tobin radiates enough warmth for it. She thinks of the way Tobin’s skin is kissed perfectly by the other and how Tobin’s honey eyes sparkle so prettily when they’re both out at the same time. 

She’s not sure where they’re going but she knows Tobin will be with her. 

—

  
  
  
“Tobin.”

“Hm.”

“What is that thing?” 

“What thing?” Tobin answers distractedly while getting the things out of her truck with a dramatic huff as she lifts before looking around for what Christen is referring to.

“That.” She points with childlike curiosity. 

Tobin parked them into a secluded rocky parking lot that is overlooking one of the prettiest lakes she’s ever seen, she thinks in an hour or so, she’ll be out of breath from the way it’ll look when the sun is about to set for the night. There’s a little dock and a rack of long things that Christen thinks people use to surf but there doesn’t seem to be any waves here.

“Oh, those are paddleboards.” Christen hums at that, that makes sense considering she sees a bunch of paddles on the rack and no row boats. She wonders what it would be like to be in the middle of the water during the sunset on-

Oh.

“Are we..”

“Yes, Chris.” Tobin smiles at her, kissing her cheek as she walks down towards the dock with the cooler, leaving Christen to figure out how the hell she is going to use that thing alone and not drown. Tobin is setting up something similar to the picnic like night they shared on the pitch but it’s on the wood of the dock and Christen is confused. Other people would probably mind that she’s built a little home at the end of the dock if they’re trying to use the lake.

“Tobin wait, what if someone-“ 

“It’s my dad's.” Christen quiets at that in thought. Tobin’s dad owns this entire.. 

“Not the whole lake.” Tobin chuckles at Christen with a fond smile.

“He owns the shop up there, people come to learn how to fish and stuff here and he teaches them back here.” Christen opens her mouth in realization at that. Tobin’s dad. She remembers seeing his fishing shop merch around her whole life and how many people would post pictures at this very spot. She smiles at Tobin softly at the thought of her bringing her here. They have all this land to themselves, she couldn’t be happier. 

“Well I hope he’s coming to teach me how to not die on this death board because I’m definitely going to.” Christen huffs and Tobin stands up at that and walks over to her with a pretty little smile. 

“Are you scared I can’t save you?” She challenges, and Christen is more scared she’s going to fall and Tobin won’t see her than she is of Tobin’s capability but she also likes to tease her. 

“It’s just.. I don’t know much about your swimming capabilities and strength and-“ Tobin picks her up immediately over her shoulder and starts to walk with her towards the water and Christen is laughing but she also really doesn’t want to go into this damn water so she’s squirming as much as she can trying to be serious. 

“Tobin, I swear if you throw me in this-“ 

“You’ll what?” Comes Tobin’s quick chuckle as she fakes throwing Christen in further as she struggles. Christen really tries to think because she really does not want to touch this water and she doesn’t know how far Tobin is bringing the joke. Just when she’s starting to think about a sex ban she feels the dock beneath her feet again. She sighs in relief and huffs out an insult for Tobin as she pushes her softly. 

“I’d never let anything happen to you, Chris.” Tobin says as her soft smile fades and she brings her hands to Christen’s jaw soothing it with her thumbs. It feels more serious than it probably is but she can’t help but feel the words lodge into her heart. She doesn’t know how to respond to something so delicate so she looks away to the water and huffs a relieved laugh out at not being in it. Tobin smiles bigger now and kisses her cheek as she’s looking away and starts to walk back. 

“You just sit there and look pretty, I’ll get this ready.” She says smiling as she resumes what she was doing. 

Christen looks back as she’s got her back turned to her, fixing up the last few things and taking things out of bags that look like swimsuits for them. 

Something claws its way up Christen’s body here. 

She doesn’t know what it is, but she’s waiting for it. 

  
—

  
“Chris.” 

“I can’t breathe, Tobin I’m-“

“Christen. You can breathe, I'm holding you up.” 

They’re in chin deep water and Tobin has been trying to help her swim better without a life vest on but is quickly learning that she does indeed need one. 

“I don’t like it.” Christen huffs dramatically similar to a child not wanting to do something. Tobin laughs at this into her neck while she’s holding her up and probably reasons yeah, she can give her the life vest. 

“Okay, lets just-“ 

“Nope, I’m getting the hell out of this shark infested water.“ 

“There’s no sharks here.” Tobin sighs bringing Christen up further and bringing her closer to the dock. When she finally gets her up onto the platform, she gets out herself and heads for the towels she brought. It’s getting close to sunset now and Christen would really enjoy just watching it right here on land, but she knows Tobin’s intention was to have her out in the water to watch it from further out.

Tobin wraps a towel around her neck and wraps the other around Christen’s body as she’s still sitting on the platform looking out to the water with a small pout. Tobin starts to rub her shoulders to warm her up through the towel behind her and settles behind her when she sits, kissing her shoulder.

Christen hopes in apology because she is not going back in there. 

“I’ll make you a deal.” The deep raspy whisper is made into her ear following several kisses under it. Christen hums because she finds that most times, she enjoys Tobin’s deals. 

“If you don’t have to touch the water besides your legs, will you come out with me on my board?” Christen grunts at this and throws her head back into Tobin’s shoulder behind her. She thought there would be more of an incentive than where her legs would be but Tobin sounds like she really wants this, so she huffs an agreement out. Tobin smiles and kisses her silly while her face is turned to her now and Christen savors every last taste.

They stay like that for a while until Tobin hums into the kiss and breaks it, moving their noses to touch softly and nuzzle them before she detangles herself. 

Tobin comes back with a life jacket and Christen stands up for her while she buckles her up. Christen wonders if the shark will eat Tobin or her first, and reasons that Tobin has more muscle. Christen shrugs at the revelation in her mind while Tobin looks at her curiously finishing the last clip, she raises an eyebrow at her and Christen just plasters an obviously fake innocent smile on her face as she adjusts herself in the new gear.

When Tobin finally manages to get Christen to balance sitting down on the board she finally stands herself up behind Christen with pro balance and starts to paddle them out slowly. Christen moves just the slightest to change her position on the board when Tobin starts to protest. 

“Chris, baby you can’t move or we’ll-“ 

It’s too late. Christen hits the water in record time, she thought she might make it to the Olympics one day for soccer but she’s thinking of becoming a diver now. All she tastes is salt as she battles her way up and she’s so thankful she has the floating device on now as she just lets it keep her above the water as she looks for Tobin. Tobin who she can’t see at all, the board is flipped completely and-

She finally feels hands on her stomach and she knows Tobin is okay. Tobin is breathing heavy and trying to get Christen back onto the fixed board, when Christen finally gets on, Tobin just holds onto it and breathes in the water staying afloat. There’s a light scolding look on her face as she has her mouth hung open in smiling confusion. Christen feels like a wet cat and she definitely regrets the dumb decision now. 

“Sorry.” She says sheepishly, definitely not happy about her own current state but mostly sorry about Tobin’s. She thinks Tobin must’ve hit the water pretty hard if she was standing. Tobin huffs with a fond smile and brings herself up onto the board with yet again, amazing balance. She’s sitting behind Christen now with both of their legs straddling the board as Tobin stretches out to get the paddle that’s floating away. Tobin makes a sound behind her like she figures something out and Christen just lets her be as they start moving slowly further out of the space they were in and they see more open water.

The sun is falling into a bright orange now and where they are, she can see the reflection so prettily. When they get out a few minutes further Tobin eventually stops and hooks the paddle back to the board as she apparently is happy where they are. 

The view is perfect, the open water and the pink and orange highlights from the sleepy sun. She’s never seen a prettier view in her life and she’s gaping at it around them. As she looks to her left and right she sees the trees left behind them and the quiet hues that they leave in contract to the bright sky. 

Christen feels Tobin pull her back further into her body and even with her life jacket on she can feel Tobin’s body heat keeping her warm from the cold drying water. Tobin nuzzles into her neck and kisses her with cold lips in contrast to her body and Christen feels sad for making the warmest girl she knows feel like this. 

“I’m sorry for earlier.” She apologizes and Tobin laughs into her neck and holds her closer. 

“It’s okay.” She whispers and her whisper is so warm on her neck that Christen gets goosebumps and pushes further into her. Christen puts her arms around the warm ones around her and traces Tobin’s veins to remind herself that she’s alive and real. Here with her. She brought this to her, like she’s brought so many other things to her in such a short amount of time.

Christen feels like she’s almost angry at how much time was wasted growing up together. They were right here all along and she had no idea. Before she can stop it, looking into the dark orange sky she’s silently crying and praying for the girl behind her to forgive her. Tobin just tightens her hold and whispers in her ear.

She can’t be sure but she can feel an angel with her in the quiet sun. 

“I’ve got you.” She whispers softly nestled into Christen’s neck and soul. Christen has completely given up on stopping her tears as she just accepts they’re coming. She figures there’s water beneath them anyway.

They stay there watching the sun fall asleep until their feet are so pruned they think they may lose them

—

They return tired and spent, especially Tobin and her arms from paddling, Christen notes to massage them as they fall asleep tonight. Christen herself is more emotionally exhausted than anything. Tobin helps her off the board and gets them safe and dry, as Christen tries to bring the feeling back into her legs. Tobin brings out two pairs of sweatpants and a hoodie for Christen to get into while Tobin herself opts for the sweatpants and a dry sports bra. 

Tobin brings her to the part of the dock after, where there’s a few blankets and pillows for them to lay on as they watch the sky go from the deep barely there orange to a deep blue now. Christen sighs at the thought of it. 

She’s found places of peace throughout her life, almost anywhere the sun is beaming down in that moment, but she’s realized there’s no place as peaceful as against Tobin’s chest.

When they eventually get to their spot and settle in comfortably, Christen is more than surprised at how comfortable and fluffy the dock has been made for her. She feels like if they were to fall asleep here all night, Tobin’s back wouldn’t even hurt in the morning. If it did, Christen would carefully shoo it away with skillful hands before she ever let it bother her for too long anyway.

She thinks of the upcoming season and how she would love to help Tobin after her hardest training days and games. 

It's probably not as possible as she thinks it is, knowing her own schedule will be far too packed in, just like the other captains. She thinks of how often they’ll be able to see each other and if Tobin will upgrade her texting skills just for her. 

She has one last week to spend with the girl freely and she’s hyper aware of it. She tightens her hold on Tobin’s arms as she leans further back into her, a usual movement she makes nowadays. Tobin brings one of the blankets higher around them and wraps her in it more fully. Christen is sitting in between Tobin’s crossed legs with her own legs resting atop hers and she thinks she’s going to fall asleep before she hears her voice.

“I always wanted to bring you here.” 

It sounds like an escaped thought from Tobin’s head but Christen understands. The more she lets herself dig through what she’s buried so far the last couple of years she thinks of how badly she’s always wanted the girl behind her. She thinks of all the things she’s day dreamed about her, she’s elated to think Tobin has felt the same. Has done the same things maybe.

She realizes not only how important Tobin is now but how important she thinks she’s always been to her and how much she’s hated it over the years. She lets her mind free in this moment, it may be dangerous but it’s what she needs. 

The thought hits her like a ton of bricks and she thinks her whole body physically shutters at it. If she has even the smallest part of Tobin’s delicate heart, she refuses to do anything but shelter it, the same way she wants Tobin to shelter hers. 

She realizes for the first time that she can’t control what she’s done already but she can control what she does now. She can’t go back, can’t change the way they started and the way they’ve been but she can be the best version of herself now for her.

She has to, for Tobin.

Tobin is delicate and gentle, and Christen came to bring nothing but pain into her life.

For the first time in a long time Christen makes a decision for herself, everyone else be damned. She won’t do this to Tobin. She’s going to fix everything she can and stop anything that comes at the girl she’s resting against. Tobin would never do anything to hurt her, and Christen realizes with sharp clarity that she won’t do anything to hurt Tobin either, she thinks about when she offered herself and what she was thinking.. how selfish she was being. Maybe she always knew she wouldn’t go through with this but it doesn’t stop her heart from finally accepting it.

What started to claw up her body _finally_ finishes and nestles it’s way deeply into Christen’s heart for the rest of her life.

“Chris, what is it?” Christen is quite literally shaking at the knowledge of it all, she forgot Tobin was even really here at this point. She laughs with the rest of her tears and she feels as free as she ever has. 

No moment in her life has ever been as clear as this one now. After all these years she can finally allow herself to feel it and she can show it to the very source. 

She turns around in Tobin’s arms fully and gets on her knees and straddles Tobin’s lap with the biggest smile she’s ever had as Tobin looks up at her with wide concerned eyes at her tears. Christen holds her face in her hands and kisses all around it to promise her and anybody that’s listening that she’ll never hurt the answered prayer in her hands. When she’s done Tobin has a small smile on her face opening her mouth to ask her what’s gotten into her, she’s sure.

Christen beats her to it and stares so deeply into her eyes that she can see the years between them and the things left unsaid. She says what she knows now in her mind, loud and free, but she knows she can’t communicate it out loud yet, she knows it’s too soon. It’s too soon in the eyes of the world but Christen has _known_ Tobin forever, she may be learning the small things about her she feels robbed of but she’s _felt_ her since before she could remember. She may have hid it, she may have stored it away in a locked box but she felt it and now that feeling has matured and become more aware, it’s learned and it’s lived a life with its owner, it’s created a word now that Christen can name. It may be too soon for any pair of ears to hear it, but she feels it.

It’s also Tobin, and Tobin will shut down at the new words, so she does what Tobin does best for her and she shows her.

She leans into Tobin’s forehead to feel safe and grounded, her usual action made with a much bigger promise now, she closes the distance between them slowly and surely and waits to feel Tobin accept it. 

As always, Tobin complies. 

She kisses her like she’s never kissed her before, she puts everything she has into it, she licks into her mouth and pulls everything she can into hers. She does this until they’re completely out of breath and even then, when she pulls back Tobin chases her for more. She laughs because Tobin has no survival instincts at this moment. She pulls back from her just the slightest bit to create enough space for her next action but as she does she can feel Tobin’s arms tighten around her and she realizes Tobin isn’t having it. 

“Don’t worry, I’m staying.” She says softly through a laugh and Tobin looks happier than she’s ever seen her at the news. She does her one better, and creates the space again and brings the hem of her hoodie up and over her head slowly and as fast as it’s gone she feels Tobin’s hands splayed across her back effectively keeping her warm with nothing else, not opting for a bra when she changed into dry clothes. Tobin’s eyes are lit up and the pure desire she sees there is better than any pretty words that could ever be said between them.

She doesn’t know if Tobin has named the feeling the way she has tonight, but she knows Tobin feels a version of it in this moment. She can feel it in the way Tobin pushed them back together as quick as humanly possible to do what Christen has done so many times, to feel the warmth between them.

She’s not sure if Tobin craves her the way she craves Tobin but she decides she doesn’t really mind either way right now, as long as she can have her like this. Now that they’ve had a second to breathe, Tobin is quick to take all the air away again with a deep kiss and Christen is happy to be her accomplice. 

They stay like that for what feels like hours, Christen always forgets how much softer and kissable Tobin’s lips can get after moments like these until she’s in it, until she can’t fathom moving away from them. When they take another necessary break for air Christen can feel Tobin’s hands grip her hips and gently grind her center down into Tobin’s stomach and a deep moan ripples its way through Christen’s body at the feeling.

She loses all desire for patience when she feels Tobin’s surprised gasp hit her lips at the feeling through her sweatpants. She is absolutely soaked and she’s not embarrassed by it at all, she’s happy to let Tobin know what she does to her without even touching her. She feels a powerful wave of confidence and desire through her body and does something she’s never done before.

She wants Tobin to see her, see everything she’s missed for years, see how badly Christen has wanted her. She takes Tobin’s left hand off of her hip and she slowly takes it in her own playing with her fingers taking it to her mouth and kisses it softly all over. She looks up at Tobin watching her and she knows exactly what she wants to do next as she sees how affected Tobin is just by her lips on her hand as she looks deeply into her eyes. She gives each knuckle one last kiss as she brushes Tobin’s hand against her chest slowly and threads her fingers through hers as she feels the soft mound of warm skin. She massages gently and moves to the other as she watches Tobin closely and closes her eyes at the feeling when she has to.

She guides their hands down her stomach slowly and stops right above her waistband as she watches Tobin’s chest heave with labored breaths and shaky exhales. She can feel Tobin’s heartbeat through their hands and she bites her lip knowing it’s about to get even worse as she slowly moves their hands down under the waistband and they make it to the top of where she wants her to feel.

She makes sure to stop and focus on Tobin as much as she can so she can see every reaction she pulls out of her as Tobin has her mouth slightly open in anticipation and her eyes locked onto where she can’t even fully see. Christen brings her body up just the slightest and brings their fingers down together as she gently moves through the soaked folds waiting and they both gasp sharply at the feeling. Tobin’s touched her so many times before and yet this feels like their first time and she thinks maybe there’s a reason for that. 

She brings her body closer to Tobin’s as she moves their hands just barely below them and she kisses her so gently and moves back as Tobin chases her, nuzzling into a soft cheek and kissing her there on the way to her ear. When she gets to her ear she says something she’s never said before and she means every word as she moves their fingers through one more time. 

“It’s for you.” She whispers softly as she grinds against Tobin’s warm hand and she gets the exact reaction she wanted, Tobin moans out loud like she’s being touched and Christen will never love something more than that sound. 

Well maybe one thing.

Her heart warms at the word but she doesn’t let it slip, not yet, for now she’ll settle for showing her. She kisses under her ear and her jaw, sloppy and wet and moving to her neck as she moves using their joined hands and she hears Tobin’s breathing is struggling but she wants to let her know one more time, in case she wasn’t clear enough. 

“Only you.” 

She sees Tobin’s eyes are closed now at the knowledge and she smirks at the scene as she brings their foreheads together again for her next reward. She gives her one quick kiss and brings their hands out and as she opens her eyes and mouth to protest, she’s quick to stop as she watches Christen bring their hands to her own mouth and suck off everything she can and Tobin looks like she’s going to die. She looks even worse off when Christen brings her mouth to hers and kisses her sloppily effectively giving her a taste and Tobin moans into it.

Tobin brings her right arm around Christen’s lower back and moves Christen one handed onto her back and Christen gasps at the strength of the girl. Tobin has her on her back and she’s got their centers meeting through their sweatpants immediately putting her weight down into Christen’s hips and rutting into her once to relieve some pressure. Christen is writhing underneath her and pulling her down into her neck as she tries to get her to do it again and Tobin is kissing up her neck instead. 

“Please, Tobin.” She whispers into her hair and Tobin moves back and kisses her quiet with a smile against her lips before she pulls back. 

“I’ve got you.” Tobin says looking into her eyes as she takes her sports bra off and Christen is happy about the new warm skin open for her. Tobin brings her body back down to her as Christen brings one hand to Tobin’s chest as the other one is on her lower back trying to get her to put pressure down but Tobin isn’t having it yet. 

“Have to get these off.” She whispers to her lips as she gives her one last kiss and Christen nods eagerly at the request. Tobin brings her hands down Christen’s stomach and when she makes it to her destination she pulls them down slowly, kissing down her legs as they go as she does every time. 

Christen has never not felt praised by Tobin while she’s vulnerable to her like this, she always takes care of her. When Tobin is done she throws them behind her carelessly while kissing Christen’s ankle and immediately goes for her own. When she’s done with the last article of clothing between them she reaches behind her for the white comforter they have and she brings it behind her back, covering her shoulders before she brings it down with her as she melts their bodies together. 

The second she feels Tobin’s body on hers she thinks she’s done for, she was never good at handling this part without letting go. Thankfully Tobin creates barely an inch of space between them as she lifts Christen’s legs up and gets her own knees under them and kisses Christen silly. Christen hangs on for dear life because what else is she going to do. Her favorite position is this very one, where she can see Tobin, feel her weight and be brought to bliss just like this as Tobin brings their centers together.

When Tobin pulls back to nuzzle into her neck to give Christen air, Christen looks to the sky and feels like she’s ascending into heaven at the feeling of soft pouty lips on her with the pressure of Tobin’s hips into hers. She’s never been this loud before, she thinks. She just knows she can’t control it, she doesn’t know if Tobin feels the different energy between them or not but she knows what she’s doing. She knows what this is called for her. She knows why it’s different than ever before. She thinks she’s maybe even done it before with her but now she knows what it’s called, and she’s not hiding from it. 

She uses her legs to bring Tobin more into her and she’s clawing at her back with one hand on the back of her neck begging her to stay where she is but to move more and Tobin reads it perfectly.

As she knew she would. 

Tobin works slowly for what feels like hours, they’re sweaty and breathing each other's air and she doesn’t even think she’ll have the energy for round two as she clings to her, she never wants this to end anyway. She knows it’s done purposely, she knows Tobin knows they can both bring their fingers down and one stroke and it would be over but she wants this as much as she does, wants to feel this until the end, just like this. 

And they do. 

Tobin finds the perfect spot as Christen lets out a guttural moan and Tobin does the same as she moves her hips faster and harder and Christen is just about gone she just needs- 

“I’m with you.” Tobin whispers to her and Christen is gone, she thinks her thighs are shaking so much she’s probably having a seizure and she doesn’t even care as she feels Tobin’s body tense with pleasure under her hands and she hears Tobin let out the loudest and deepest moan she’s ever heard from her. 

Christen is practically melted into the blanket beneath them and Tobin looks the same on top of her and Christen feels a tear run down her face and she lets a breath out. It’s almost pitch black out now and it’s peaceful with the sounds around them of the water and the animals. She just lays there under the girl she’s fallen so deeply for and let’s her exhales lull her to sleep until she feels soft kisses to her jaw bringing her back to life and feels her warm forehead on her own. 

“I planned for us to sleep here and all but..” Tobin starts and Christen laughs softly with her head back into the pillows. 

“You’re scared, huh?” 

“No, not scared.” She shakes her head as Christen bites her lip with an awaiting head nod for the explanation. 

“Just smart.” Tobin settles on and Christen pouts, still shaking her head in mock belief as Tobin huffs at her. Christen hums in thought and decides they probably need the nutrients anyway. 

“Want to get the greasiest fast food we can find and then drive back?” She whispers in a soft request because Tobin can barely see her puppy eyes if she uses them in the dark now. Tobin gasps at the idea and aggressively shakes her head yes, at least that’s what Christen feels against her own. 

The night ends in Tobin’s bed exhausted and spent after Christen fed her the remaining food from her meal as she drove, and Tobin kissed her hand thank you for every fry.

Christen had one thing on her mind the entire ride.

She loves her. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Put all the heart and soul out there for this one, hope you felt it.


	12. Solar System.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two hungry people, one Christen.

Christen wakes Tobin up with kisses down her warm stomach Saturday morning and expresses just how thankful she is for how hard she worked the night before.

She thinks Tobin is saying you’re welcome in the form of soft sleepy moans. 

They fall back asleep and Tobin wakes her up two hours before she has to be at training with a bowl of cereal in bed, and it has Christen laughing at her fondly at the attempt at breakfast in bed. She kisses her pout away and thanks her in sweet cinnamon milk kisses.

While Tobin is walking around her room eating her own bowl and looking for things for Christen to wear today, she showers and uses Tobin’s body wash and she’s overwhelmed with how happy she is with the knowledge of it all.

Tobin drives her to the parking lot early before everyone else gets there, besides Kelley and parks next to Christen’s car that they left the day before. Christen gets out to stretch with a yawn when Kelley is walking up to them with a teasing look on her face and she hears Tobin huff behind her already. 

“CP17, huh?”

Christen looks down at the shorts she’s wearing and her heart warms at the sight of wearing Tobin’s number.

“Well that’s disgusting.” Kelley grimaces at the soft look, probably expecting a response to her teasing instead. Christen raises her eyebrows at getting caught and swiftly changes the subject, hoping Tobin didn’t see it. 

Thankfully, Tobin is too busy snacking on a left over fruit cup from the cooler in the back seat to listen to them anyway. Kelley looks behind Christen and immediately has childlike want in her eyes and Christen chuckles at the two hungriest people she knows. She turns around to look into the cooler and sees an applesauce in the leftover freezing cold water with no ice left and gives it to Kelley as Tobin pouts about it.

“That was ours.” She huffs out to Christen while Kelley rips open the snack.

“You don’t need it, hungry hippo.” Kelley says, starting to lick into it.

“What do you mean hungry-“ 

“ _Okay_.” Christen stops them before they can even really get started with a quick apologetic pat to Tobin’s stomach. “What are we doing today?” She asks Kelley as she gets into her own back door and gets out her training stuff from yesterday.

“PK‘s.” She mumbles through applesauce as she starts to turn around and walk towards the pitch, not having anything else to say. Christen opens her bag up and gets the things she’ll need for today as she listens to Tobin eat behind her. 

The thing about Tobin is, she may be charming and dreamy and adorably sweet most of the time, but she also eats like a toddler when she has certain foods and it drives Christen crazy sometimes. She mentally adds fruit cups to the list of things to leave the room when Tobin eats, as she turns around and watches the girl drop fruit off the plastic spoon back into the cup with a pout. Christen thinks about how this is the same girl she made love to for hours last night and scoffs fondly. 

“Tobin.” 

“Hm.”

“What are you doing today?” Christen asks curiously leaning against her car, sad to be leaving the chestnut haired captain. 

“I’ll probably workout and then relax, recover from yesterday.” She says with a raise to her eyebrow and a grin as she finishes her fruit cup and puts it back in the empty cooler. Christen raises her eyebrows right back at her and laughs when Tobin only grins bigger. 

Christen has an idea. She’s had an idea since this morning but was too scared to bring it up and she thinks Kelley might be upset but it’s just, the season is starting and she doesn’t know how much time they’ll have to spend together and she feels a pang of anxiety about it. 

“What is it, Chris?” Tobin asks softly and her grin leaves her face replaced by a more serious concerned look. 

“Do you..” Christen starts and she doesn’t know how to ask this because it's kind of ridiculous and she knows it. Their teams have a rivalry and it’s so dumb to even ask but she loves her. She loves Tobin.

“Do you want to kick around with us?” 

There’s a quiet pause and Tobin looks like she was just asked to kill somebody for a million dollars and she figures she probably shouldn’t have put her in this position, but by the time she’s ready to take it back and kiss her goodbye, Tobin beats her to it. 

“I don’t know if.. I mean, who else comes?” 

“Saturday is the least of us, it’s just Kelley and a few of the rookies we’re trying to get ready.” She answers honestly and hopefully. The last week before practice she knew everyone was going to take the time to recover instead of train with Kelley and her. Tobin looks like she wants to say no but she doesn’t want Christen to be upset and Christen internally laughs at that because Tobin does so much for her already. 

“You don’t have to I was just-“

“I want to. It’s like old times.” Tobin interrupts her with a soft sad smile and Christen furrows her eyebrows.

“Except we’ll talk during it now?” She asks with a small meaningful smile, knowing things are different now. 

“Yeah.” Tobin nods fondly at her and Christen feels like this moment is much bigger than it seems.

Christen looks around them and it’s still just their three cars in the lot and nobody around and she tries to ask Tobin with her eyes for permission and when Tobin nods at her after looking around herself she closes the space in two small steps. 

She thinks no matter where she ends up in her life, she’ll never forget how warm Tobin’s arms are around her and how perfect she smells. She thinks of all the things that she needs to work through to fix everything she’s done but she also has hope that Tobin will forgive her, she has hope that they’ll make it through it.

Mostly because the thought of them not ending up together is unfathomable to Christen. She doesn’t think there’s a single soul in this world that is tied to hers the way Tobin’s is. 

She kisses her soft and slow at first and pulls away but Tobin doesn’t let her get far, as she brings her back by the back of her neck and she’s back into soft fruity lips. They stay like that for a moment, in no rush to break the soft sweet kiss until she hears Kelley’s painful gasp and groan and it startles the both of them. 

Fortunately and maybe a little unfortunately, Kelley didn’t get hit by a car, she’s just looking at them and she hears Tobin huff again for the eighth time this morning as she sighs. 

She thinks if she can get Tobin to forgive her for everything else, she’ll still have some work to do to keep Kelley around. 

“Come on.” She whispers to her and pulls her with her gently and as they walk towards Kelley, she looks like Christen has a giant purple dragon behind her and for the ninth time today, Tobin huffs behind her.

Perhaps she is a dragon.

“Uh tobsquito, you’re walking the wrong way your car is-“ 

“Can she kick with us?” Christen pouts as she drops her hand in what looks to be the start of a tantrum. “Just today?” She frowns at her closest friend. 

Kelley’s mouth drops open with her hands out, frantically directing Christen to look behind her. She sees a quick shit eating grin on Tobin’s face that disappears and she rolls her eyes at the scene.

She has a feeling _this_ is going to become a thing. 

If she’s honest, truly honest, she’s kinda really happy about it. 

—

  
  
After some bickering and really not giving anybody a choice anymore, Tobin is warming up with them in their stretch circle and Christen is absolutely in love with the scene. 

Tobin looks focused and she’s stretching her groin out in a straddling position as she brings her hips to the ground to stretch them and Christen is going to die.

She doesn’t think she thought this whole thing through because she’s supposed to be- 

“God, you look like you’re in heat.” JJ says as she walks past her in the circle to put her bag down. Christen realizes in this moment that JJ has no idea that Tobin is here and can absolutely hear her, but as she goes to let her know discreetly she’s already continuing. 

“Is Jake Gyllenhaal here or what’s going on?” She finishes as she looks at Kelley to help her understand and Christen closes her eyes as she finishes stretching because she can feel Tobin’s eyes on her. 

It’s stupid, really. 

There’s a whole thing.. that Tobin and her are doing but she feels mortified at being caught in the act of staring at her like she’s a piece of meat in front of everybody. 

Unfortunately, it just gets worse as JJ looks around and spots Tobin slowly stretching and staring at Christen with a wide grin pulled into her teeth. Kelley scoffs at the whole thing and Mal is laughing with tears in her eyes silently as she looks at Rose having the same reaction as they stretch. 

Christen is absolutely not having a good time.

“Oh.” Is what JJ settles with as she awkwardly waves to Tobin while Christen is shaking her head. 

The rest of the training actually goes well, Tobin helps the rookies with corner kicks as Christen practices her PK’s with JJ and Kelley in a line. 

She stays focused, mostly.

There’s just a few times she glances to Tobin as she gives directions and she sees sweat start to lightly coat her tan arms as they shine in the sun and she thinks maybe this wasn’t the best idea. At the same time though, Tobin is also a really good teacher and she can’t help but think that this is what it was always meant to be like for them. They were meant to be here, like this, training together and being together all these years. 

“Sorry about earlier.” She hears JJ behind her and chuckles, she’s already over it, if she didn’t do it earlier, Tobin would have figured it out from her drooling later. JJ starts to blow out a laugh with her at the whole thing and Christen is overcome with a feeling of guilt for how absent she’s been, spending all her extra time with Tobin. 

“How is Ali?” She asks JJ with remorse in her eyes, and she knows she should be asking Ali herself it’s just.. 

Speaking to Ali and JJ just reminds her that she needs to tell them that their plan is off now and she thinks she’s always known that. She’s going to have to endure whatever they say about it and she isn’t so sure she can deal with more warnings about Tobin, not because she’s actually worried herself but because it’s degrading and she doesn’t know if she’ll be able to listen to them talk about her like that anymore. 

She’s also just scared of being a disappointment, the season is so close and they’re counting on her, she tells herself if they leave her friendship behind that it’s okay, that it’s not a big deal but these are two of her childhood friends. It’s not okay. 

It might have to be. 

“She’s good.” 

A look passes JJ’s face like she’s lying or she doesn’t even know herself maybe, but Christen sees something there while JJ gives her an absolutely fake smile and when she’s about to ask, JJ beats her to it.

“I think we should all sit down and talk together about everything and-“

“We will, we just can’t talk about it here.” Christen interrupts quickly nodding towards Tobin who’s sprinting through the speed ladder Kelley brought. JJ nods at that with an apologetic look and jogs away with a pat to Christen’s thigh and Christen has no idea how to do this. 

How do you tell your friends you can’t go through with an elaborate plan that’s going to greatly benefit each of them and the people they love because you fell in love with someone they don’t even like.   
  


She thinks of the very truth of it all in her soul and imagines what it’ll be like when they know that part. That’s quickly shaken away as she continues worrying about the first part.

How do you sit through them calling you stupid for the whole thing. That Tobin will never commit to her anyway, that she’ll just be someone she throws out eventually or she’ll cheat on and.. 

Christen sighs out at the rare moment of insecurity at their lack of a relationship. They’re not even dating, they never will be. 

Tobin hasn’t even mentioned what they are and it’s not like other people when they don’t mention it, Tobin isn’t not mentioning it because she’s nervous or playing a who’s going to do it first game, she just doesn’t want it. 

Tobin doesn’t think about it. 

In fact, she may even be sleeping with other people. 

The new thought brings a sharp pain through her chest and stomach, _that’s_ never crossed her mind before. She can’t fathom making love to Tobin while she’s been sleeping with other people this whole time. She tries not to, she really does, but she thinks of someone else’s hands and lips on Tobin’s body and she thinks of Tobin bringing someone else to heaven the same way she brings Christen there and she shivers at the thought of it all.

It almost feels like she wouldn’t survive the answer she got. Christen knows if she finds out that she has been with someone else, the odds of her being able to get past it are slim, they may not be together but what they have.. if Tobin needed something else, it’ll still be just as bad to her, their label be damned.

She’s decided she’s definitely not going to ask yet.

When they decide they’re done for the day, two of the new rookies this year are asking Christen for her advice and while she helps them, Kelley is packing up the equipment as everyone else leaves. 

Christen can see it in the way they’re speaking to her, that they obviously look up to her, and not just because she’s their captain. She feels warm at the feeling and gives her best advice and when they’re done and the girls leave with big smiles she looks around for how she can help Kelley before she leaves, herself. 

Tobin apparently felt the same way.

Tobin is rolling up the ladders and stacking up cones as Kelley packs up the bags of equipment but they don’t talk, and Christen just observes the whole thing. Christen pretends to look busy by changing into her slides really slowly and when she looks up next, Tobin is walking a few feet behind Kelley to her trunk. Kelley opens the trunk and it still looks completely silent but Tobin puts the things in as Kelley helps her and Christen can’t stop the grin from taking over her face.

They had their first moment of silence. 

No bickering, no teasing, they just helped each other and Christen thinks her smile is so big her cheeks are going to hurt soon. Tobin starts down the small hill to get back to the pitch and she goes back to changing into her slides.

“What are you trying to win over here with that pretty smile?” Tobin asks as she sits with her right knee up behind Christen’s back and puts her left leg out under Christen’s lifted knees. 

Christen thinks it’s impossible to love her more.

She scoffs at her fondly and zips up her bag and when she’s about to ask Tobin if she wants to get something to eat, a car pulls into the lot that she doesn’t recognize and she’s about to laugh at how late one of the rookies is when she sees Alex get out. Kelley turns around from where she was getting her bag ready and closes the distance between them, hugging her and lifting her up the way Tobin does for her and Christen bites her lip at the feeling of it all. 

She’s happy.

Kelley’s happy. 

She feels elated with it all. 

When she looks over to Tobin, who’s looking at the same scene, she expects to find a slight grimace but happiness underneath but what she finds there is mostly concern and a hint of a sad smile.

Christen isn’t exactly a Tobin expert just yet.

“What’s wrong?” Christen asks softly as she rubs soothing patterns into Tobin’s leg to break her concentration. Tobin gives her a noncommittal hum and slowly looks to her like she’s catching up to what Christen asked. Tobin goes to open her mouth a few times, just barely, but nothing ever makes its way out as Christen gives her time.

Whatever Tobin is trying to figure out, she looks like she’s made a decision and she frowns a little as she softly takes Christen’s hand and kisses it. 

Whatever it was, Christen thinks she’ll tell her when she’s ready. So Christen gives her a small understanding smile and gives her lips a quick kiss before she stands up with her bag around her shoulder. She doesn’t want to leave Tobin yet, per usual, and she knows Tobin has to eat now and shower so she thinks of the perfect rest of the day. 

“Do you want to shower at my place?“ She barely finishes and Tobin is standing up with a grin and nodding happily and Christen laughs with her head back as Tobin brings both arms around her neck and walks them to the lot. 

When they get there and separate, Alex is definitely surprised to see Tobin with them and it’s understandable, and it’s not like Tobin had time to text her that she’s training with their rivals.

Alex’s surprise is eventually replaced with a barely concealed smirk between her teeth as Tobin huffs at her and puts Christen’s bag in her car for her. 

“Hey, Tobin is going to come back to our place for-“ 

“No!” Kelley whines as she flails her arms around and Christen understands that Kelley and Tobin aren’t exactly friends still but she doesn’t see why it would matter, considering every time Tobin is over they stay in her room anyway. 

“Lex just got here, you guys always have the apartment.” She continues to whine and Christen is starting to understand why she really cares now and it brings a grin to her face. She supposes they can go somewhere to eat and come back later and let Kelley and Alex have the apartment for a bit. When she’s about to say that though, Alex starts before her. 

“Kel, relax we can all be there together it’s not like..“ and she cuts herself off in thought and gasps out loud with an idea as Tobin and Kelley furrow their eyebrows trying to understand where it’s going. 

Christen however, 

Christen is right with her. 

Alex might be a genius. 

Christen gives her a grin and a nod as she bites her lip and Alex grins right back. 

“Why don’t we order something together and hangout?” Alex smiles so happily about it that Christen can’t hold back her laugh as she looks at the two saddest girls in the world next to her. 

“But we.. Alex you said-“ Kelley starts to whisper and Alex elbows her softly and gives her a look. 

Christen is purposely avoiding the honey eyes trying to find her own because she knows she’ll give in unlike Alex. Alex who is now grabbing Kelley’s bag for her and putting it in her car, giving her a quick kiss as she whispers something in her ear and Kelley looks like her life is over.

Tobin is still frozen in her spot and Christen hasn’t looked at her face so she isn’t sure how bad she’s taking it yet but she’d be lying if she said she wasn’t excited about the night ahead. When Alex practically skips to her car she hits Tobin in the stomach fondly making Christen finally look at her and Tobin looks like she just entered hell. 

Alex yells out a see you guys there as she gets in her car and Christen giggles at the scene in front of her. Kelley and Tobin have made no move to go to their cars and Christen knows she has to drive her car instead of leaving with Tobin or her car will get towed at this point. She decides to go the Alex route, and walks over to Tobin and kisses her quick and kisses Kelley’s cheek before she walks to her car. 

“See you there.” She waves dumbly with a grin. 

A night with the two people she loves the most. 

She wonders if Alex has a similar thought. 

She hopes so. 

—

  
  
Christen has read before that if you divide things you want to remember into pieces, you’re more likely to remember it, being there is obviously a better chance at finding one when you go back.

When she’s in a moment that she knows she’ll want to remember for the rest of her time on this earth, she picks it apart into pieces and locks them away tightly in a separate box. She started doing this when she couldn’t remember everything she wanted about her childhood, her mom, things about Kelley and _Tobin_. 

Tonight, she’s almost in a panic at how much she’s storing and where she’s putting each thing because there is so much.

When they all made it to the apartment, Kelley showered first while Tobin put on SportsCenter for the highlights she missed as she zoned everyone else out as she usually does. Christen knows they both have to shower before they eat but Tobin is grumpily watching her highlights, having not wanted to spend today with Kelley. 

Christen thinks Tobin makes little sacrifices for her every day they spend together. 

She loves her. 

Christen eventually comes up behind her and melts their bodies together as she rubs the skin of Tobin’s stomach soothingly under her shirt and kisses under her ear. She whispers one word to her and she’s pretty much sold instantly. 

“Shower.” 

Apparently that’s all it takes for Tobin to throw the remote on the couch and have her shirt over her head before they even get to the bathroom, and Christen is softly chiding her for missing her dirty clothes basket as she laughs. When they finally get into the shower Christen is excited to show Tobin just how much she appreciates her and Tobin seems to be just as giddy about it, if her soft sighs and moans are anything to go by as Christen softly scrubs the body wash into her lower stomach from behind.

She makes sure to be effective in her cleaning since she knows they really do want to be out when the pizza comes, she knows Tobin would feel the same way. She’s got her whole body scrubbed and ready to be rinsed as Tobin is clearly enjoying being pampered with a gentle relaxed smile when she turns around to give Christen a thankful kiss. 

Christen smiles into it and continues the kiss down Tobin’s jaw and into her neck, and when she makes it to her favorite spot behind Tobin’s ear she brings her hand much lower and lets Tobin know how much she loves her that way.

Tobin doesn’t like the feeling of being filled as much as she likes to just get off on stimulation and Christen has become thankful for this because her hand never cramps this way. She thinks after last night, Tobin likes when Christen whispers things into her ear, and she hates herself for not knowing that earlier. She thinks she’ll definitely take advantage of it now.

When Tobin is getting closer she brings her head back to rest on Christen’s shoulder and nuzzles into the side of her head and Christen absolutely takes the chance to slow down her hand and bring her mouth to her ear so she can extend Tobin’s pleasure. Tobin makes a small sound of displeasure and before she can protest too much, Christen’s hand movements get stronger and just a touch faster. 

“I’ve got you, baby.” She whispers to her, knowing Tobin can only take so much more now. She decides this is probably a good time to let her know the things she wants her to know most and maybe it’s easier to get out this way. 

“You always take such good care of me.” She continues to whisper and she thinks if the water was just a little louder, Tobin wouldn’t hear her at all. She speeds up her movements now to bring her closer as she feels Tobin’s breathing pick up at the statement.

“I love how strong you are.” She whispers to her as she brings her left hand down Tobin’s left bicep to get her point across as Tobin holds her breath now, turning her face into Christen’s even more. 

Almost there. 

“How sexy you are.” She brings her left hand down Tobin’s abs, closing her eyes against Tobin’s face and feels Tobin let out an exhale at the admission and she speeds up one last time to bring her home. 

“Let go.” She says gently and Tobin freezes and brings her head so far back, Christen can see every vein there as she feels Tobin’s entire body shake and rut into her hand gently and Christen feels like she came herself.

Tobin takes a minute to recover by breathing against her and Christen just moves her fingers slowly to get every last bit of pleasure out of her until Tobin stops her hand. 

“Thank you.” Tobin whispers to her with her eyes closed and Christen smiles at that. When Tobin opens her eyes and their foreheads are pressed together she thinks she sees realization in Tobin’s eyes.

She can’t be sure but she hopes it’s true.

She hopes Tobin heard all the things she didn’t say. 

—

When the entire pizza is gone and Tobin is uncomfortably grunting on the floor of the living room with her shirt up, Christen is paying no mind to her while she plays iPhone games with Alex across the couch. 

“You never learn, do you?” Alex scoffs out, not taking her eyes off the game of scrabble and Tobin looks like she fell asleep at this point when Christen glances at her. Kelley is laying upside down on the other side of the couch going through something incredibly similar. 

“I need to work this off, like now.” Kelley says to the ceiling and to Christen and Alex’s shock, Tobin sits up at that.

Christen pauses and waits with her eyebrows raised for Tobin to say something, she thinks if everyone just stays quiet she might just-

“Alex how do you feel about yoga in my room?” Kelley smirks up at Alex and Christen watches Tobin grimace at the thought as Alex hits Kelley with a pillow.

She wonders what Tobin was going to say, if she was going to ask Kelley specifically or if she was going to throw it out to the room. She knows Tobin wants to do something, she just wishes she knew _what_. They spent most of their day now kicking around, so it couldn’t possibly be that.

Christen thinks as hard as she can to figure out what else Tobin would want to do and thinks back to the football in her truck. Maybe she wants to play catch but doesn’t want to ask _herself_ or bother Alex, who looks ridiculously comfortable. Christen is biting her lip off in thought at this point and looks over to Kelley eventually to get her attention. 

“Oh, good. I thought you fell asleep sitting up again.” Kelley says with fake relief. Christen chuckles at that because it’s never actually happened before, but she’ll let her have it. 

“Kel, can we play catch?” She asks hopeful and Kelley furrows her eyebrows at her in confusion because to be fair, she’s never asked that before. 

“Do you even have a baseball glove?” She questions and Christen sighs at the wrong kind of catch. 

“No, but Tobin has a football.” She grins with all of her teeth out as Kelley looks at her weird. Alex, usually on the same brainwave apparently is gasping at the idea and in a rush to get Kelley on board while Christen looks at Tobin and sees she’s pretending to look at her lockscreen. 

God, does she love her. 

“Tobs, let’s show them how to throw a football.” Alex grins and Tobin looks up at that with a smirk and Kelley looks the most offended Christen has ever seen her as they all start to get up. She sees Tobin practically skip to get the keys to her truck. 

Christen is making space for the new box in her head immediately.

  
  


—

“When did you get your license, _yesterday_?” 

She hears Alex hit Kelley somewhere behind her and for a second, Christen has no idea how she thought this was a good idea. 

“I got it before you could see over the wheel, shortstack.” Tobin throws back as she closes her door. Alex bites her lip not trying to laugh and Kelley looks at her like she’s been betrayed. 

When Tobin brought them to the Clifford field they all quickly realized that now that the season is so close, the men’s team will be practicing there too.

So with some quick thinking from Christen and a little convincing for Tobin, they’re at the secluded lake by her favorite diner. It has the perfect amount of grass to play and Christen’s favorite part, the sunset isn’t all that far away now. 

She also just knows Tobin loves it here. 

And she loves Tobin. 

“Wow, the memories we made here.” Alex says nostalgically in a quiet voice to Tobin as she elbows her gently and Christen doesn’t even think she was meant to hear it. She wonders what it was like to be Tobin’s best friend throughout her life the way Alex was.

Alex and Tobin have a similar history to Kelley and herself if the rumors are true, everyone even confused them for dating often before Alex’s now ex boyfriend was in the picture. She remembers seeing Tobin and Alex laugh all the time on the sidelines of games and always seeing them never too far from each other as kids. She thinks Tobin and herself lived fairly similar lives and she never really realized it until lately. 

“The only thing that comes to mind is the infection you got from the water when you went skinny dipping.” Tobin quickly chuckles out as she starts jogging away with the football by the end. She thinks Alex mumbles something close to the word asshole but she can’t be sure. 

“I’m open!” Kelley shouts from the other end as Tobin shrugs in sarcastic confusion. 

“No shit, nobody’s covering you.”

“Just throw the ball already.” Kelley sighs dramatically.

Christen chuckles at them as she puts her hair up to play and stretches out her legs. She’s actually quite excited to show Tobin and Alex just how good she is at this. When they adjust the rules together for a game of 2v2 and they’re ready to play, Kelley screams in her ear a few times to get her ready before she jokingly shoves Alex as she laughs. 

Being Kelley’s teammate her entire life, she’s never known a moment of peace anyway. When Tobin puts the ball in her hand so she can start the game, she gives her a quick kiss and walks backwards towards Alex. 

“Do me a favor, don’t catch it with your pretty face this time.” She winks and Christen groans at the comment. 

The game gets physical as expected, but not in the way football usually does. 

More in the sense of, Kelley cradling Alex in her arms _with_ the ball and trying to score that way. Christen outruns Tobin every play and she almost would think she’s letting her win but when she sees Tobin genuinely out of breath, she realizes she’s just much faster. Tobin gives up in the form of tackling Christen before she can get another chance and bringing her to the floor and chucking the ball to Alex, as if _that’s_ legal. 

They can’t really keep a real score in this kind of game but she knows she proved her point today, and that’s all that really matters. 

Alex is in the middle of begging Christen to find and throw out Kelley’s toe shoes while they’re laying in the grass when they start to realize the sun is going down. When she looks behind her to get Kelley and Tobin she sees something she never thought she would live to see. 

Kelley is explaining something to Tobin dramatically as Tobin stares at her with what looks like confusion and a little bit of disgust but by the end of it she’s laughing and Kelley is laughing with her. She’s almost certain they’re just insulting each other but it doesn’t matter. 

Christen has never wanted to take a picture so bad in her life. 

She closes her eyes to try to remember it with the sky slowly beginning to turn to its orange cream color behind them with the contrast of the white truck she loves so much. 

She thinks her heart is so full it may explode if she breathes too hard.

The night ends there with Alex and Kelley sitting in the grass together watching the sunset close to the water, as Tobin and Christen watch it from the back of Tobin’s truck as she holds Christen between her swinging legs. 

She tucks the feeling of being in Tobin’s arms with their friends watching a sunset snug into a box close to her heart. 

And she can't wait to open it later. 


	13. Overcast.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It doesn't necessarily mean that precipitation will fall, though the chances for rain or snow do increase on overcast days.

There’s a problem that Christen is trying to work through in her head. 

It’s in the form of chestnut messy hair and a naked tan back on display with scratches and nail indents that look a whole lot like they could match Christen’s own. 

The problem is, since she realized she can show Tobin how she feels instead of saying it, all she has wanted to do every moment of her life is make love to the girl beneath her. After three exhausting hours of making love to her when they got back, it’s now way past midnight and Tobin looks absolutely spent. Three full hours and she still doesn’t feel like it’s enough as she climbs onto Tobin’s back and straddles her butt as she scratches lightly down Tobin’s warm sweaty back and sides. She’s trying to start her up again, and Tobin knows it. 

The problem is, Christen can’t go to sleep until she shows her maybe one more time how much she loves her, but Tobin looks like she may have died. 

“Baby.” She whispers in her ear as she bends down and melts her front to Tobin’s back to bring her back to the land of the living. 

Tobin responds with a grunt getting used to the new pressure on her back and her eyes look like they are trying to open but they didn’t quite get the message from their owner yet. Christen sighs into her shoulder in defeat, knowing this is where it has to end for the night. 

She thinks she has to tell her like a regular person would.

Because this way may kill her. 

She tucks the memory of Tobin absolutely spent from Christen’s show of love in a box too, just in case.

—

Christen wakes up Sunday morning and her first thought is she feels like it is far too late for her to just now be waking up. She got a suspicious amount of sleep and when she slowly cracks open one of her eyes, her thought is confirmed by how bright and far the sun is shining through her windows. 

Her next thought is the bed is cold and empty, no Tobin in sight. The thought makes her frown but when she looks to confirm it, she is gladly wrong, Tobin’s iPhone is plugged into the charger on her nightstand and Christen sighs happily at the knowledge. 

She stretches out with her body covered in nothing but a sheet and she feels so well rested she thinks Tobin may be the best thing that ever happened to her sleeping patterns too. 

She sighs at the thought of it. 

She loves her. 

Just when she’s about to go down the rabbit hole of how much she loves Tobin, she hears someone walking into her room with the sound of glass clinking against each other.

When she looks up ready to cover herself more fully with the sheet in case of a break in or Kelley asking her how to make iced tea again, sure enough Tobin is standing there with the proudest grin she’s ever seen as she holds a tray of French toast and orange juice out for her. 

She loves her. 

She’s laughing fondly at her, thinking about how hard it must have been for her to make the french toast and how long it took if she’s just now getting it to her and her heart melts at the thought. 

“For me?” She asks the faux question with innocence and a matching smile as Tobin rolls her eyes at her and sits down on the bed in front of her with it. 

“For you.” She says giving her a chaste kiss as she hands the tray to her. Christen hums into the kiss and smiles wide after and when she looks down, she’s even happier.

“ _Strawberries_.” She gasps as she realizes what she didn’t see earlier and she spots a little whipped cream now too and she makes a mental note to thank Tobin thoroughly for hours for this.

When she looks up Tobin’s eyes are softly sparkling in the morning (probably turned afternoon soon) sun and the honey color is rich and perfect. She brings her into a soft kiss, simply because she can’t help it and as she’s about to dig in, she hears Kelley moan obscenely from the kitchen. 

“Toby can stay if she wants!” Is what follows and Tobin huffs at the ruined first bite moment and nickname, while Christen giggles quietly. 

“You made some for her too, huh?” 

“Lex made me.” Tobin sighs out defeatedly and she looks like she would have rather given it to the squirrels outside, but Christen is thankful for her chefs cooperation.

“Thank you.” She says in a sweet voice to convey how thankful she is into one more kiss and Tobin smiles and softly encourages her to try it and Christen laughs at how childlike it is. When Christen does finally get a bite, she brings her head back because this may be what Tobin was meant to be doing instead of soccer, even.

Tobin looks so proud that Christen wants her to try it herself before she devours it, she cuts her a piece and avoids the strawberry piece but gets her the syrup and powdered sugar on the plate and feeds her the bite. 

If Tobin’s shit eating grin is anything to go by, she’s happy with it. 

They spend Sunday afternoon in bed and Christen thoroughly thanks her with the extra whipped cream she didn’t eat and Tobin looks like she’ll never look at the dairy treat the same again.

She doesn’t think she will either. 

She doesn’t think she’ll look at anything that Tobin has touched the same again.   
  
  


—

Monday and Tuesday of the week are spent doing regular things, Tobin texts her and they talk about their days or tease each other with what they miss about being in bed on the weekend.

Christen’s heart warms at the thought of this becoming her regular life, even during the season it can be like this and then on the weekends they’ll be able to show each other how much they missed each other and the whole thing is kind of a dream, she thinks. If there’s a Saturday game she thinks they can post game together and they can spend Sunday morning saying goodbye for the week. She realizes she has this kind of planned out now, she has to assume Tobin does too if she’s been keeping up with her throughout the week too. 

Wednesday Tobin has her last class cancelled and visits Christen at training and brings her stuff to change with permission. She trains with them like she did and the same thing happens on Thursday a little later in the training but she brings Alex this time and Kelley is the happiest she’s ever seen her at a training. When the four of them are coaching the rookies Christen thinks this is the way it was always meant to be too.

Tobin leaves her those nights without going home with her, knowing where they’ll end up and she won’t be able to leave. Christen understands and kisses her to try to convince her in the parking lot anyway, until she thinks they’re in danger of public nudity the way Tobin has her hand up her training shorts. 

When Friday night after training comes around, Kelley and her agree that they won’t train this Saturday because practice is Monday and they’ll use the weekend to recover properly and get ready. 

Tobin comes over Friday night and something feels different. 

The energy feels different between them and Christen thinks maybe it’s how much time they’ve spent together the last few weeks and how much she misses her until she finally gets to see her with no obligations the next day.

Tobin surprises her, as she does, and tells her she wants to bring her on a repeat of their first date not too long ago, Christen is happily agreeing with a series of thankful kisses for her thoughtful.. Tobin. 

_That was close_ , she thinks. 

She’s been increasingly obsessing about the commitment they have yet to make openly to each other and their relationship and what it all means and what it will mean by Monday. She _does_ know that she’s too scared of Tobin running away to mention any of it, but she also knows she’s the other half of this. 

She decides to save the thoughts for later, it’s the weekend and Tobin is here. 

Christen is tracing the veins in Tobin’s arms as she holds her hand in the passenger seat on the short drive to the lake with the smell of their cheeseburgers in the back and it all feels familiar to her. 

She thinks of how far they’ve come even in this short amount of time and she thinks maybe this is the way of the universe giving back for all the years they missed. She likes to think whoever is up there has been watching over them, waiting for them to realize what’s in front of them.

She likes to think she made them proud.

She ignores what really gave her the push to get here. 

“I don’t remember there being a strawberry shake involved.” She teases softly as she’s laying against Tobin’s chest watching the calm moonlight kissed water. She feels Tobin huff at her before she wraps her hand around her own, pretending to take it away.

“I’ll take it.” Tobin whispers in her ear with a soft deep laugh as Christen protests, peeling her fingers off. 

“Paws off.” She whispers back in a teasing tone and Tobin smiles at her and kisses her soundly. Tobin is softly rubbing at the skin under Christen’s shirt and she’s tracing shapes there and her mind seems full tonight.

Christen knows she shouldn’t pry, letting Tobin figure things out on her own and waiting for her patiently. She’ll always do that for her. 

She loves her.

It’s the perfect night tonight, the weather is beautiful and she doesn’t even need a hoodie, she wishes the water was clean so she could try to swim again with Tobin’s concentrated lines on her forehead and her tongue poking out trying to focus on teaching her. It’s not that she can’t swim, she can, she just isn’t great. 

Depending on how cute Tobin is and how many veins show in her neck at the strength she uses when she teaches her trying to hold her up next, maybe she’ll forget how to swim at all.

“Do you trust me?” Tobin softly whispers the question in her ear and she isn’t sure why she’s asking, but she knows that she trusts her with her life. She nods her head at her when she turns around and sees genuine dark eyes and she raises her eyebrows at what’s to come. Tobin smirks at her and brings her right hand to Christen’s jaw and holds her in place. 

“I need you to promise to look at the water for the next two minutes while I go and do something, okay?” She asks her and Christen can see the mischievous look swimming in her eyes. 

“Can I keep the milkshake?” She raises one eyebrow at her before she continues, “If you’re going to kill me, I’d like to have the milkshake.” She reasons. Tobin laughs at her with faux offense and shoves her playfully before she gets up on her knees and brings her mouth to her ear with her arm safely around her neck.

“A human can’t kill an angel, baby.” She whispers to her and kisses her teasingly down her neck and Christen feels the goosebumps crawl up her entire body at the words and the action. Tobin leaves her with a whispered reminder of her promise and Christen takes her job seriously. 

It feels much longer than two minutes but eventually after hearing the truck door close twice and Tobin’s shoes against the rocks, she’s back behind her in the same position she left. 

“Thank you, pretty girl.” She kisses her softly on the cheek and brings her left hand to cover Christen’s eyes as Christen laughs at the absurdity because she’s going to see whatever it is in a second anyway. She plays along anyway, for Tobin’s sake. 

Or for her sake, considering Tobin looks _damn_ cute when she’s proud. 

Tobin leads her safely while she laughs and holds onto her arm and she knows they’re going to the truck but it feels like the longest journey ever with how slow they have to go so she doesn’t fall over. 

“Okay, ready?” Tobin asks and Christen bites her lip and nods knowing Tobin is either making a romantic gesture or did all of this to show her a second milkshake, there’s no in between with her.

She’s right, because when Tobin lifts her hand and Christen opens her eyes she sees the truck bed is covered in the little yellow battery powered candles Tobin has and what looks like a million comfy blankets and Christen’s personal favorite, red rose petals everywhere. She doesn’t mean it, she never does, but a tear falls down her cheek and she can’t grasp onto Tobin’s arm hard enough. 

Tobin is smiling when she turns around and she’s already got her thumb ready to swipe at the tear she probably knew would be there and Christen kisses her to communicate every ounce of love she has for her. Tobin reciprocates through a smile at first and then gives it right back to her. 

She’s got her on her hips right away and Christen wonders if tonight is the night they’ll make love together and Tobin will feel it too, she thinks it makes sense, it all fits. She’d be lying if she wasn’t scared of it, she’s so scared of it all. It’s why she’s put it off for this long, once the words are said between them they can’t take them back. They’ll have to discuss what’s next and Christen will once and for all have an answer on if Tobin is willing to commit. 

Then even worse, they’ll have to think about their future. It’s their last year here, god knows what state they’ll be in if they get picked up or worse, if Tobin gets picked up and not her she’ll never be able to-

Tobin has her on the truck bed now and she’s tearing at both of their clothes and Christen is eager to help because she hasn’t felt Tobin’s skin on hers fully since last weekend. Tobin seems like she’s thinking the same thing as she throws her shirt wherever it lands on the ground behind her. Christen crawls back into the comfy blankets and the space feels so safe, knowing Tobin did this all for her. Tobin is on top of her in record time with a blanket over her shoulders to keep Christen warm and feel like they have privacy outdoors because she knows Christen likes that. 

She _knows_ Christen. 

Tobin is kissing down Christen’s stomach as she pulls down her joggers and she looks starved of this and Christen knows the feeling. The more time they have spent together, the harder it’s been to be away from her. She wondered if it was the same for Tobin but based on how Tobin is kissing every inch of skin on her thighs as she gets her bare, she thinks she has her answer. 

Tobin looks up at her and waits for approval and Christen is quick to give it to her with a soft fond laugh because how could she even still have to ask. She figures it’s her way of keeping Christen safe, and Christen will always appreciate that. Tobin explores her like it’s the first time, refusing to let her come fast, pulling back and kissing and licking at everything but where she needs her and Christen is absolutely sweating after at least ten minutes of it and she sighs out a sigh of displeasure and wonders if Tobin is waiting for her. 

She tries. 

“Please, baby.” She gasps at the end trying to rut softly into Tobin’s mouth and she can physically feel Tobin grinning with approval as she finally moves where she needs her. When Tobin comes back up she has them in Christen’s favorite position and she’s nuzzling into Christen’s neck before she moves and Christen has thought this before but she is in absolute _heaven_. 

In this moment, with everything they’ve been through and everything they will go through and how happy she has made her now, she lets Tobin know how she feels in three words, it’s just a different three words for now, to warm her up to it because she doesn’t think she’s ever said them before. She’s ready to say them and when Tobin starts to move she loses all her thoughts. 

She thankfully gets them back after what feels like seven hours of making love and when Tobin is on what seems to be her last race for the night, she lets it slip into her ear as they’re both ready to fall. They both ride out their waves to Christen’s chants of “I missed you.” And “always miss you.” and when they’re both exhausted and breathing heavy, she waits to hear it back. 

She doesn’t and that’s okay, Tobin probably just thought it was an in the moment thing. Except when Tobin pulls back to look at her, she sees sadness swimming in her eyes and she can’t imagine if she would have said the other three words. 

Tobin’s _definitely_ not ready for that. 

Christen swallows subtly and rubs Tobin’s back to try to calm her nerves, hoping it doesn’t ruin the night. She thinks maybe it was too clingy for her, maybe it wasn’t the right time.

Christen was never good at that.

Tobin doesn’t relax until Christen gives her a small understanding smile, letting her know she’ll be patient with her and it’s okay. 

She lov-

She should probably stop thinking about it so much, just in case. 

Tobin kisses her softly and gives her all the weight she needs to fall asleep, she eventually wakes her up an hour later to tell her they should sleep in Christen’s bed tonight and Christen nods sleepily. Tobin gets dressed while Christen rubs at her eyes and she blinks when she feels Tobin putting her sweats on for her and a hoodie while she sits at the back of the truck. 

“I’ve got you.” She whispers to her as she lifts her up bridal style and brings her to the passenger seat and puts her seatbelt on for her, Christen gives her a sleepy grateful kiss and the last thing she sees before she falls asleep is Tobin’s very awake smile. 

—

When Christen wakes up Saturday morning, it’s to an empty bed. She thinks she must have been incredibly exhausted because she can tell by how bright it is out, that it’s the latest she’s slept in a long time. She feels so well rested, her bones feel almost brand new. 

She can hear Tobin’s pretty laugh in the back of her mind as she slowly tries to bring herself to get up, the whole thing almost feels like a dream. She can hear Tobin’s deep raspy tone filling the apartment and it almost lulls her back to sleep with how much comfort it brings her, especially mixed with Tobin’s scent burrowed into her sheets and tied into the very soul of her mattress for all of eternity. 

Christen thinks even if she didn’t smell Tobin for a hundred years, she would still be able to remember it like it was yesterday. 

She can hear Alex’s voice and Kelley’s laugh now and she finally starts to wake up enough to listen to the muffled voices and make out what they’re saying. From what she hears, it’s pretty clear that Alex is complaining about things she has to deal with from living with Tobin and Christen may not be able to see her but she knows Tobin’s lips are in an adorable pout while her pretty little eyebrows are angling towards each other in protest. She knows because she loves to pretend to scold Tobin just to see the face she makes. 

She loves it. 

She loves.. right. 

Christen is stretching out thoroughly with her warm naked skin hitting the cold morning sheets of the bed, having every intention of getting up until she hears a vibration on her nightstand and goes to grab her phone, except she doesn’t recognize the name. She’s known a lot of Lauren’s but she doesn’t know which one would go under _Lauren B2_ and she especially doesn’t know why she would want Christen to know she’s free this weekend before training starts. 

She tries to think about the rookies names on her team this season and she’s going through how one or two of them could possibly be named Lauren because they only go by their last names and maybe she just forgot but-

She also doesn’t remember her iPhone being red, she’s softly laughing at herself as she puts it back down and puts it back on the charger.

 _Oh_. 

The sinking feeling in her stomach is immediate as she replays the text in her head. She shouldn’t, she really shouldn’t but she can’t help but imagine Tobin being touched by a different pair of hands and Tobin bringing another person to climax the way she brings Christen, and she actually might feel a little sick.

She knows they haven’t talked about it, she thinks back to Tobin saying she doesn’t know if she could ever commit, and the pain that floods her chest is almost unbearable because she’s repeatedly made love to someone who doesn’t even have the decency to just-

She knows they’re not together. She knows it’s probably irrational but she was just so sure that Tobin felt the same way, but Tobin warned her, she absolutely _warned_ her and Christen didn’t listen.

She shoots up from the bed and gets anything on she can find and in her haste she realizes she has Tobin’s worn shirt on and the usually comforting smell makes her almost livid and she just wants to tear it off her body, but she doesn’t.

“Chris?” The voice she would usually melt at makes her feel like her heart is physically breaking slowly and falling under her ribs, and taking everything down with it. Of course she would walk in now, of course this would be happening.

It’s her fault though, isn’t it? 

Tobin warned her and she didn’t listen and worse than that, she never brought it up again. She never made her position clear, in fact, she never so much as shared her feelings with the girl who continuously shares her own with her.

She did this to herself, she isn’t so sure if she can even be mad at the honey eyes looking at her with gentle concern, because she did this anyway. She’s the one who came into Tobin’s life to hurt her, and the world gave her what she deserved right back. 

“Babe, what is it?” Tobin is coming closer and Christen can see it happening almost in slow motion as her world feels like it’s falling apart right in front of her, she doesn’t want to be irrationally angry at the girl.

She didn’t realize she was crying until she can’t breathe fast enough to get the air in, and when she puts a hand on the wall to steady herself, Tobin is right there to help her as she desperately tries to find her eyes but Christen closes them shut as tight as she can, she doesn’t want to see the ones looking for her own. 

She thinks she’s never been this angry in her life and she has no idea where to direct it all so she directs it at the source.

“Space, just need space.” She gets out softly trying to get Tobin out of her space so she can just breathe and Tobin to her credit, takes a step back and has her hands off of her in an instant. She’s thankful for it because she feels like she can think just a little better now and whatever air was being blocked off earlier seems to start to open up. 

She thinks about how this should go, if she has to ask or if this can just go in the pile of things they don’t talk about, the one that’s completely full. She made a decision when she realized that this could be their reality not too long ago, and she decided that she wouldn’t ask because the pain of knowing was too much. Now that she’s here, now that she knows it’s most definitely a thing, what does she do?

She doesn’t know if she wants to ask if it was a one time thing or a regular thing because hearing that it’s happened at all is pain enough and she doesn’t know how to even survive this in the moment.

She knows she’ll be okay, she’s never been one to depend on another human being for happiness, she’s not doing it now but it doesn’t mean that she can’t just have wanted more time with her. All the time that was wasted and this is all the time she got.. she’s so angry at the world for it. At herself for it. Maybe at Tobin for it too, she’s slowly realizing. 

What they have.. she may not have put a label on it but what they’ve shared, it was unspoken that it was different for both of them, at least that’s what she thought. Label be damned, she doesn’t think she deserved this. That thought directs anger she didn’t even know she had in her, right at the girl waiting for her and she snaps. 

“You missed a text.” Is all she leaves her with as she walks past her to get to the hallway and she stomps all the way to the door to get her slides on and her keys, effectively ignoring Kelley’s curious eyes she can feel on her and when she opens the door and leaves down the stairs, she knows where she has to go.

  
  
—

  
  
She ended up where she always does.

Christen is laying with her slides off in the center circle of the pitch absorbing as much sun as she can. Usually this is her place to think, but today this is her place to forget everything but how to breathe. She just wishes breathing didn’t hurt so bad right now. She’s been here for a while, maybe almost an hour by now and she knows she’s not hard to find and odds are, Kelley drove by to make sure and then left to give her space if the tires she heard earlier were real.

She appreciates it. 

Her blood feels so hot and she feels like everything that moves throughout her inner body she can physically feel it, every movement. She thinks if something dropped on the other side of the pitch, she would somehow feel it with how sensitive her body is.

She imagines this is the result of focusing on nothing but her body for almost an hour. She feels alive and lifeless at the same time and she doesn’t want to move, these moments where nothing exists to her besides her body are exactly what she needs right now.

“I’m sorry to bother you.” Christen closes her eyes at the soft voice above her. She wonders if the tires she heard were Tobin’s and if she just never left, because she definitely didn’t hear them again. 

“I’m not used to this but.. I think I owe you an explanation or something, so we can talk about it and-“ 

“I don’t want to talk about it.” Christen protests because she can’t endure it. She can’t hear about how many times or who it was with or what night it was, she doesn’t want to know if she went to somebody right before or right after her. A tear falls down her face at the last thought and she can feel the anger start to bubble up again. 

“I respect that but this is- it’s not what you think it is, please let me explain.” She’s pleading now and Christen can hear the desperation in her voice and it pulls at her heart, she has a feeling Tobin is just going to tell her it happened one time based on what she’s said, but she doesn’t want to know.

She gets up slowly and opens her eyes to look at the space in front of her and she’s happy to not have to see Tobin, she’s happy she’s on the side of her but she can see her in the corner of her eyes and she can see that she’s kneeling on the pitch to be closer to her. She opens her mouth to tell her it’s okay and they can talk about it another time when she has time to think but when she looks over at her, her first instinct is to cry because she sees Tobin’s bloodshot eyes and they either dropped a few tears earlier or they’re going to soon. 

Truth be told, Christen didn’t know she was a crier before Tobin, not really anyway. She knew she cried at traumatic events and from too much stress but it was all very normal, very standard crying times. Tobin heightens her emotions and it’s an instinct to cry at the very thought of Tobin being upset, so she does. She lets the tears slowly come down her cheeks and by Tobin’s facial expression, she probably thinks it’s because she’s made her more upset, having no idea how much she loves her and just wants her to be happy.

Seeing Tobin upset stirs something dangerous in her and so she’s going to let her speak, because maybe that’s what’s right. Maybe they need to put everything out there right now, right here on this pitch. Maybe Christen even needs to tell her..

She doesn’t need to do all _that_ here. 

She nods her head for Tobin to tell her and Tobin tucks her right knee into her left one that she’s kneeling on and looks more defeated than ever and Christen mentally prepares for what she’s about to say. 

“There hasn’t been anybody since you, Chris.”

Christen feels her body shudder in relief at the sentence and she closes her eyes at it, she knew no matter what the answer was she wasn’t going to be able to hide from Tobin how much it would affect her. She feels instantly exhausted at the statement but she has so many questions, she has so many things to say. Luckily for her, Tobin waits patiently for her but she starts talking herself, probably realizing how hard it is for Christen to start.

“Not since even before the charity game. That text.. it’s a past thing, I promise you.” She starts and she’s letting it out quickly as if she has to explain herself and Christen doesn’t like that she made her feel like she had to. She’s not about to stop her though.

“I know we never made this official and I- I know there’s a lot that I have to figure out but if I’m honest, it hurts that you’d think I’d do that to you..” she says and Christen has a lot of arguments for that but Tobin beats her to it with her hands up in surrender. 

“I know, I know.” She says “that’s not what I mean.. I mean- I thought I was doing this right, I wanted to do this right for you, be good for you.” Christen nods at the soft admission trying to support Tobin while she’s obviously letting everything out in one shot, because she’s been nothing but good to her, she has to know that. 

“I wanted to do this right _so_ bad.” She finishes with her jaw clenched and Christen thinks she’s trembling from the frustration of it all. She’s about to tell Tobin how perfect and right she has been for her but Tobin is looking around in a panic and beating her to it. 

“I’m not good for you.” Is what leaves Tobin’s pretty, perfect lips. The same lips she can spend hours praying to and years praying for, and she knows that what just came out of them can’t possibly be true.

Tobin is perfect for her. 

She thinks Tobin may have even been made for her with how she fits like a glove, Tobin is the love of her life and she knows it. She doesn’t have to live to learn that she’ll never love another human being the way she can Tobin. 

She was quite possibly put on this earth to love Tobin with how thoroughly she can do it, she thinks nobody can feel this deeply for another person that wasn’t put there with purpose. 

Christen doesn’t know how to get anything out so she just stands there. She doesn’t say a word. She just watches as Tobin looks to be in the same amount of pain she was an hour ago if not more. She does her best, she talks before she thinks and one thing falls out. 

“You are good for me.” Is all that falls out as she shakes her head like she’s malfunctioning and yet it’s still not good enough to prove to Tobin that it’s true.

“I can’t even tell you how I feel.. and look at where you are now because of it.” She softly argues back, “I don’t know how to do this, Chris. I don’t know how to be good for you, I never did, that’s why I never-“ She cuts herself off with a sharp almost silent inhale of breath and Christen is at her side immediately with her hands on her cheeks but Tobin won’t look at her as she finishes. 

“And last night.. I couldn’t do it last night and-“ Tobin sounds like she’s in a panic now and Christen rushes to soothe her. 

“Tobin.” She tries to convey every emotion she’s ever had for the girl in front of her as frustrated tears roll down Christen’s cheeks because she doesn’t know how to just _let it out,_ all she has to do is just _speak_. 

“Please look at me.” She whispers to her as Tobin shakes her head no with her eyes closed gently and she thinks she’s starting to understand a lot more than she should at this moment.

She waits for her, she would wait forever if she had to, for days out here, in the winter, whatever it took for Tobin to open the honey eyes Christen misses so much in this moment. 

She does eventually, with some gentle touches from Christen’s thumbs and a few more whispered words between them, and Christen instantly promises to tell Tobin everything she feels now. She’s going to tell her everything but she just has to stop crying and so she creates a little space between them and opens her mouth to-

“Should I kill her?” 

_Kelley_. 

Tobin creates way too much space for Christen’s liking and has her hands in her pockets immediately and has her eyes cast to the pitch. Christen is rubbing at her eyes to get the last tears away, so she can look as convincing as possible. When she looks up, Kelley is on her way down and she looks ready to kill if she really did ask her to. 

“No, this one was all me.” She answers softly and confidently to Kelley, trying to convey how much she means it. 

“You’re upset.. you’re crying, Christen.” Is Kelley’s final effort at understanding what’s going on and Christen knows she’ll give her space if she asks now.

She looks at Tobin to check on her after hearing an almost silent scoff and she hears her mumbling something under her breath and she figures it’s about Kelley being overprotective, but the words she hears break her heart. She mumbled something about always making Christen cry and she wants Tobin to know that that may be true but it’s not because she upsets her, it’s because she loves her and she’s coping with her feelings and she has to let Tobin know that. 

“It’s okay, Kel.” She tries to convey it in her eyes as genuinely as she can, because she means it and she just needs Kelley to leave them alone so she can get all of these feelings out.

Kelley looks reluctant to leave as she stops and softly nods and the soft whisper Christen gives her of the word promise is what makes her nod a little more confidently and walk back to her car slowly. 

She looks over to Tobin again and she looks absolutely ready to flee, she looks like she’d rather be anywhere else in this world and Christen hates it. She feels like she’s moving towards a caged animal with how careful she has to be here not to say or do the wrong thing. 

“Tobin, hey it’s okay, I’m sor-“ 

“You don’t have to apologize, I think I have to go.”

Wrong thing it is.

Tobin is walking away now with her hands deep in her hoodie pockets and she’s so thankful she’s in slides too because she can’t walk as fast in them and Christen is able to softly get her arm.

“Baby, please just give me a second.” Christen pleads and it turns Tobin around but she’s opening her mouth in a clear attempt to escape but Christen isn’t having it because this is the first time she feels like she can get what she needs to say out.

She just needs a minute to construct it, if Tobin would just give her one minute she can fix all of this for her but Tobin is turning around with her hands up with finality. 

“I need space, okay?” 

Christen nods her head defeated, because she deserves to have space if she asks for it. The only problem is she knows they start practice Monday and a few things will change, she knows Tobin will be figuring out which way she wants to approach their relationship moving forward with her team, but the problem is, she hasn’t even mentioned the rule and practice is Monday so when will Tobin involve her?

She decides to mention it as a reminder in her own way, because what else can she do? Tobin starts to walk away to her truck and Christen decides it’s now or never, really. So she calls out for her but she stays in place to make sure Tobin knows it’s not a request to stay, just a last message before she goes.

“Practice starts Monday.” She says softly when Tobin turns around, and Tobin looks so perfect where she is with the soft dark hues of the gloomy day with raindrops starting to fall on them. She pauses for a minute and looks around silently while Christen doesn’t move or even breathe for that matter, just in case.

“I know.” Tobin says to the ground more than to Christen but she’ll take it, she supposes, mostly because what’s her other option. She thinks that’s it now, so she waits for Tobin to enter her truck and leave her but she’s still there and Christen can see in the way she’s got her right hand holding onto her left bicep under her tee shirt that she’s making a decision. Christen waits patiently for her, as she does, as she always will.

Tobin seems to finally make a decision as she just barely nods to herself and lets her hand fall as she looks at Christen with a mix of hope and fear but mostly it just looks determined.

“Will you meet me here later? our spot, our time, tonight?” She asks as she clenches her jaw and Christen knows what it’s going to be, she knows she’s going to tell her tonight about the rule and what the plan is from here. She knows she needs space to figure everything else out, so she’ll give it to her gladly and she’ll wait for her tonight and they’ll figure everything out. 

Together. 

The thought brings a wave of joy throughout her body, Tobin’s going to come back to her and they’ll figure it all out later. 

It’s this very moment and _that_ very thought that has Christen making the decision that will make or break them. If Tobin is willing to fight for her through all of this, chasing her to the pitch through a misunderstanding in the rain and risking her entire season, she is going to fight for Tobin too.

Really fight for her.

She’s going to tell her everything tonight. She’s going to tell her about the mistakes she’s made and why and if Tobin chooses to stay after everything is laid out, she’s going to tell her that she loves her. She’s going to tell her that she’s the love of her life and she will fight for her however she can. She'll offer her time and space and patience, whatever she needs. 

Tonight, they’ll figure everything out together, and if Tobin doesn’t want her by the end of it, then she’ll leave this knowing she did everything she can. She’ll wait for her and fight for her the hardest she can, but she’ll respect her.

Most of all, she’ll love her through it all, openly for the first time in her life, no matter what Tobin decides. 

She nods her head at Tobin and bites her lip to keep the words from flowing out now as she watches Tobin’s eyes soften just a little. She thinks maybe she sees the same thing in her eyes that she sees in Tobin’s.

 _Hope._

Tobin’s hoping she’ll forgive her too, for not telling her about the rule. She knows Tobin, and she’s beating herself up about having not told her yet. She doesn’t know that Christen knows but Christen doesn’t care, she doesn’t care because she believes that the rule faded the same way that Christen’s plans did for her.

Their love made everything else around them feel small. 

Tobin leaves with a small goodbye and when she leaves the parking lot, Christen thinks about maybe staying out for a little in the rain on the pitch to think, but gets into her car knowing it’s probably not smart. Before she can even start to pull out, she receives a text from Tobin that has her smiling regardless of the anxiety of needing a little bit of space from her and thinking about what she needs to figure out.

 **Tobin** _(12:07 PM):_  
Don’t lay in the rain please, you’re going to catch a cold. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leaving you here but posting the next chapter tomorrow.


	14. Downpour.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When it rains.

“So.. you went psycho girlfriend not even girlfriend on her and she’s taking space but.. she’s coming back in like..” Kelley checks her watch here for dramatic effect, she assumes. 

“7 hours.”

Christen is sitting comfortably nestled into the corner of the couch with a cup of tea in her hand and the throw blanket that Kelley got as a house gift for Christmas. When she got home and saw that Alex had also left, she knew Kelley was going to need an explanation to some degree about today, so she made them some tea and sat her down.

Christen gives her a quick annoyed eyebrow raise but nods nonetheless, considering that is basically what happened. 

“Wow.. hope she has time for a bathroom break in between.” Kelley crosses her fingers in mock hope and scoffs as she gets up, it has Christen smiling at least at her friend's antics, but she’s got to figure out one more thing while she’s here.

“Wait, Kel.” She requests as the freckled defender turns to her curiously.

She isn’t sure what she wants to say here, she just knows she didn’t want her to leave yet until she figures it out. She wants to force herself to come clean to her, she wants to set herself up with a time so she’ll hold herself to it when it comes.

She knows she’s telling Tobin tonight, she figures they can’t go to bed together tonight so she has to come home anyway, and maybe if it’s not too late she can tell Kelley. She just doesn’t know how to hold herself to that.

She has to tell Kelley what she’s deserved to know this entire time, she wants it all out tonight. 

She wants to fix it all tonight, everything that she’s done. 

She’s already promising herself to go to JJ’s before she goes to meet Tobin tonight to tell her the truth about how she isn’t going through with it anymore. She hopes Julie will even go to Ali for her so she won’t have to do it, because well, she may be doing the right things now but she isn’t perfect.

She’s scared of Ali’s reaction, if she’s honest. 

She’s avoided the girl for what feels like weeks, not even being able to look at her without feeling pressured or judged.

She misses her old friend, the one that never made her feel that way, and it may not even be her fault that this is their dynamic now but it still is. 

She hopes Ali doesn’t hate her after this, Ali was always a special friend of hers, always the same in so many ways. She hopes she’s the same in forgiveness too tonight. 

She just wants her friends back, all of them. 

She will never keep something from Kelley again, and with that last thought she finally makes a decision and speaks before she can take it back. 

“Will you stay up for me, until I get home?” She asks with eyes she knows are hopeful and pleading, the truth is, Kelley would have done it anyway.

Kelley looks at her with soft curiosity but she knows Christen, better than anyone else, so she knows this isn’t a light request and Christen can see that in her concerned eyes as she nods slowly for her. 

“Yeah, I’ll be up.” Kelley softly assures her before she walks back to the kitchen to dump out her tea that she says yes to but never drinks.

She may have to fight through a jungle to get Kelley to understand but she knows Kelley won’t turn her back on her, she just knows it. 

She’s got her. 

—

Between telling Tobin tonight, and telling Kelley after, she figures out of all the things she has on her plate today, telling Julie will be the easiest part.

Kind of like, choosing which one of her three kids she would want to push off a cliff first.

 _Great_ , she thinks. 

Time is going absurdly slow as Christen organizes every drawer in the apartment as Kelley watches her favorite food network shows.

Kelley is glancing at Christen every few minutes with raised eyebrows and wide eyes before she comically turns back and Christen pretends not to notice. 

She decides once 7:30 hits, she’ll take a shower which means she’ll be out around 7:45, then she’ll eat the other half of the sandwich she didn’t finish this afternoon and that’ll bring her to 8:00 and she’ll go to Julie’s. 

She isn’t sure what she’s going to say, if she’s honest. She just knows she’ll open her mouth when Tobin is involved and it’ll all start pouring out, knowing that it’s for Tobin, she knows she can do it.

She knows she can fix this. 

When she’s done with her shower and she eats her quick dinner, she kisses Kelley on the cheek as the latter groans at being interrupted and pushes her away and Christen laughs telling her she’ll see her later.

She thinks that’s it from her until later tonight until Kelley calls out for her before she closes the door and she hums in answer.

“She may be an asshole, but she makes us French toast.” Kelley shrugs before she goes back to her show, and Christen is absolutely beaming at her before she closes the door.

It’s not just Kelley’s pitch to keep her around, it’s her way of telling Christen that Tobin is good for her, that she should fight for her. It almost feels like she’s leaving to bring a new puppy home. 

Kelley just doesn’t know that it’s Tobin and Kelley herself that will need convincing to keep Christen around after tonight.

She just hopes they do.

She loves them both.

—

When she makes it into Julie’s apartment on her own, she’s welcomed with the smell of banana bread, one of the blondes comfort foods. She quickly wonders if she needs the comfort right now or if it’s just a bonus to her favorite baked good.

When she finally spots her after looking all over her apartment, she’s on her fire escape leaning on the rail. Christen is softly joining her, careful not to spook her. 

“Hey.” She softly acknowledges her, she knows this is about to be a lot for her friend, and she has no warning whatsoever. 

“Hey, what’s up?” Julie matches her soft tone and Christen’s ready, she isn’t sure what she’s going to say but she knows once she opens her mouth and starts, she’ll be good.

Just push one off the cliff. 

That’s a terrible analogy, she thinks. 

“I have to tell you something, and it’s going to make you mad I think, but.. I owe it to you, and Ali too.” Christen starts and it’s good, because she can’t back out now. Now, she knows the subject matter, she’s boxed in, just the way she needed it.

Her friend looks at her puzzled and immediately nods and looks so soft and open for whatever it is, that Christen thinks she’s going to tell her more than she even thought she would. 

Christen decides to sit down against one of the walls and invites Julie to mimic the movement to hopefully set a calmer energy and invite the option of a long conversation to talk it out.

When they’re both situated and Christen counts down from 10 as she breathes, she’s ready.

She decides the best way to approach it, is to start with the biggest part and work her way down, so it can only get easier, so she does just that. 

“Tobin is.. she means a lot to me.” She starts with, because she knows she wants Tobin to be the first person she explains the depth of her feelings to, she knows she wants Tobin to be the first person she ever utters the three words in a sentence with her name to.

She thinks Julie hears it in her voice anyway.

“I think.. I think she always has in a way, I think that’s why I started this in the first place, I- I think I wanted to be the one because it was the push I needed to finally talk to her in that way.” She says it and she doesn’t expect it, she never does, but a tear slips out of her eye as she looks out to the road below them as cars pass and the raindrops earlier have turned to another gentle mist like it was this morning. 

“I decided the weekend she took me to her dad's shop that.. that I wasn’t going to go through with the plan anymore and.. maybe even before that I- I don’t know, I’m so sorry that I didn’t tell you, I know it’s soon and I was meant to-“

“I know, Chrissy.” Julie smiles and Christen blinks at her. What does she mean she knows? What part of that could she have possibly-

“The way you look at her, you had no chance from the beginning, did you?” She smiles fondly at Christen as the latter just blinks in shock.

“Ali and I tried to talk to you so many times..” she lets out a small laugh at the end and Christen sheepishly nods at her, because they did. “We wanted to talk about ending it but.. the way you seemed so focused on it, we assumed maybe you were just so set on doing it.” She continues and Christen feels another tear because all of the things in her life would be fixed if she would just communicate better. 

“Ali and I didn’t talk about it but, when I saw the way you were with her at that training, I think I knew at that moment.” Julie is slightly smirking now and Christen huffs at how oblivious to everything she can be for someone who is so sharp most of the time. 

“We just want you to be happy, Chrissy. I mean.. the guilt of this whole thing has been eating Ali alive last I checked, she’s going to be so relieved that it’s over.” 

Christen feels a thousand pounds lift off of her shoulders at the knowledge that she can have her friends back.

Ali isn’t going to be mad at her, in fact, she’s going to be relieved.

Christen lets all the tears out that she’s held in for so long for her friendships and Julie holds her through it, just like Christen knew she would.

When she’s done and she’s huffing through her tears at herself for being an emotional mess for what feels like forever, she requests one thing of Julie. 

“I’m meeting Tobin soon, really soon actually, I’m going to tell her and then I’m going to tell Kelley when I get back, I’m fixing everything tonight, Jay.” Her friend smiles at her happily and rubs her back as Christen rubs her eyes of stray tears and continues. 

“It’s a lot to ask but, do you think you can let Ali know so I can talk to her about it tomorrow and she doesn’t have to be nervous about meeting me.. I’ve avoided her for so long, I think she thinks I’m upset with her.” Christen finishes with sad eyes at the thought of hurting her friend. Julie is still smiling and happily nods at the request. 

“I’ve got it, Chris.” 

“Thank you, for everything. I’m sorry for the position I put you and Zack in.” Julie scoffs at the end of Christen’s sentence at the mention of Zack and Christen knows exactly why. 

“You’re afraid to tell him, huh?” Julie nods at her question and Christen feels so much remorse for everyone who is going to be hurt by this in some way.

All because she couldn’t just put herself out there like a regular person.

“He loves you, so much.” Christen reminds her and her friend knows that, everybody knows that.

She knows Zack will be a little disappointed and a lot of sad at the fact that he had an accidental part in it.

“God, let’s never do anything wrong ever again, it’s exhausting.” Julie scoffs out and they both laugh and Christen’s phone buzzes with the alarm she set to leave for the field. Julie smiles at her and nudges her to get up and Christen lets a breathy laugh out at the action.

She stops before she leaves and smiles at her friend hoping to convey how thankful she is for her, and as she skips down the stairs, she replays Julie’s last words to her in her head. 

_Go get your girl._

Christen is going to do just that. 

—

  
It’s raining. 

Although, she should have known this, if not for her weather app, then because of the clouds all day.

The thing about rain is, as long as you pay attention, it will always warn you before it washes down on you.

She had hoped it would go away, just for tonight, just this once. Christen’s days have been filled with sun, sometimes cloudy, sometimes even gloomy but very rarely rain.

Tonight, it’s raining. 

She doesn’t care though, she doesn’t necessarily feel strong yet, just determined.

Christen feels determined and aware, aware of what she’s always known but subconsciously avoided for most of her life.

She feels like she just woke up from a life long nap and she’s finally ready to follow the map she created in her dreams. She feels ready to try, really try.

For herself, and for Tobin, for _them_. 

It’s raining and she should probably have waited in her car for the white truck with dark rims to get there, but she felt like the rain was cooling her off from the boiling passion she feels oozing out of her pours. She has so much she wants to say, so much she wants to admit and so much she has to explain.

It’s not going to be easy, it can’t be, Tobin’s going to be upset, any rational human being would but.. she’s not scared about proving her love to her.

Not when she has this much proof in her heart, in her eyes, in her hands when they touch Tobin, the way she clings to her and looks for her when she knows she’s nowhere around. So she’s walking down to the pitch five minutes early, knowing Tobin will be here at exactly 9 or a couple minutes after.

She thinks when it comes to Christen, Tobin has become very punctual, another quality Christen has fallen in love with. 

She looks up to the dark crying sky and smiles with a promise, if Tobin allows her to do so, she is going to love her so hard. 

And so _soft_ , too. 

She’s in the center circle now and she’s got her hands out, offering everything she’s ever done right, and everything she’s ever done wrong, and praying that she can have this. She’s promising she will never take it for granted, promising she’ll never take what she believes is the easy road again, she’ll fight like hell through her feelings for this, for her. 

She’s not scared of the dark anymore, not since Tobin showed her the light isn’t the only place she can be safe. She’ll give her space, time, answers, whatever she wants, whatever she asks.

She’ll wait for her, she always will, she loves her, nothing has ever been so clear in her life, nothing has ever made so much sense to her that she doesn’t feel the need to search for how or why, she just knows it to be true. 

She’s in love with Tobin, for everything she is and everything she isn’t. She loves her mistakes, her past, and her hardships because it made her who she is, and Christen loves who she is. 

She loves Tobin.

“Christen!” 

Christen turns around shaken out of her thoughts, thinking she still had time to think on her own but apparently it’s later than she thought. She looks to her left and sees Julie jogging towards her with her headlights beaming through the rain. She didn’t realize how hard it was raining now either. 

“Chris.” She hears in a softer clearer voice now that Julie is closer and she has her windbreaker off immediately putting it on her shoulders and Christen smiles at her friend for the action but she has to leave because Tobin-

“You’re freezing.” Julie says even softer and with slightly wetter eyes than she thinks a second ago, which may be the rain.

“Lets go to my car, okay?” She offers her and Christen smiles at her confused because she can’t go to her car, she has to wait for Tobin. 

“I can’t, she's on her way, what are you doing here?“ Christen says with exasperated confused laughter at her friend coming out of nowhere to try to keep her warm.

“Chris, just come with me and I’ll-“

“Jay, I love you but I need to wait here, I’ll see you later.“ Christen reassures her.

“She’s not coming.” The words that leave her friends mouth are a punch to her gut and she can barely hear her over how loud the rain has gotten, but she heard that loud and clear.

Why would she think Tobin isn’t coming when Tobin has never missed a chance at seeing her. Tobin would have told her. 

“I don’t understand.” Christen says shaking her head as she checks her phone for a phone call or text message from Tobin and she sees nothing.

She does however, see the time in the process, and it is far later than she thought.

It’s 9:21 now and Tobin is late and-

“She knows, Christen.” 

  
—

Sunday. 

Sunday has always meant something more to Christen than it did to most people around her. It’s a day to prepare for the week ahead, a day to spend with the people you care for most, a day to come together.

She may even say it’s her favorite day, especially with some of them beginning with the person she loves most after a Saturday night spent together, Sunday mornings have become theirs. 

This Sunday is not one of any of those things.

This Sunday the first thing Christen feels as she opens her heavy sore eyes is anger.

Anger at the sun for having the audacity to wake her up with the brightest day she can ever remember after all that’s happened.

Angry at the sun that had abandoned her just yesterday and left her with nothing but rain. 

Today she decides, the sun isn’t one of her favorite things anymore. In fact, she decides she _resents_ the sun today. 

Waking up Sunday morning is painful for many reasons, her eyes are swollen, her head is pounding from the tears and thoughts of yesterday, and most of all Tobin isn’t with her.

The excruciating pain in her chest is unbearable at the realization. The thought that Tobin will never wake up with her again is forced away as fast as it comes with a violent shudder. 

She’s not doing this.

Christen realizes past her anger at the sun eventually that she’s actually woken up by gentle hands and an even gentler voice trying to bring her out of her deep sleep and Christen finds, she doesn’t even care who it is, it could be a burglar and she’d let it be. 

It’s not a burglar though, she realizes as she squints one eye open and sees blonde hair that can only belong to one friend who would be in her room. Christen grunts and turns into her pillow the best she can but Julie is incredibly persistent as she pushes Christen’s shoulder to bring her back onto her back gently. 

“Chris, it’s noon.” Is all she says and it’s not in a scolding way, Christen can tell even with her half lidded eyes that her friends eyes are flooded with concern and something way too close to fear.

She wonders what Julie could possibly be scared of, Christen has never beat someone up before for waking her up, she isn’t going to start now. Christen almost makes an effort to try to sit up but she scoffs before she can even try, what the hell does she need to wake up for.

“Just go home, Jay.” She says as she turns her body around and faces the other side of her room, she’s not doing this with her, she doesn’t need to get over it yet, it’s only been a day. She’s allowed to wallow, it’s her right. It’s what she’s doing.

Christen tries not to snap, she really does. 

“Chris, I’m worried-“

“I’m allowed to have one day! It’s not like Kelley’s not here if-“

“She’s not.” 

The new information takes Christen’s breath away, why would Kelley not be here, especially after she asked her specifically last night to stick around until she got home. In fact, she doesn’t remember seeing her at all last night, she figures she doesn’t remember anything after being driven home and trying to focus on everything Julie was explaining to her.

She starts to sit up but immediately regrets it as her body physically locks up and her head is spinning, she feels so cold and sore she can’t even get the question she needs to ask out.

She needs to know where Kelley is, she would never just leave her hanging like that after she asked her the way she did, she could even be in trouble.

With that last thought she’s about to get up again in a panic but Julie stops her.

“You have a fever Chris, take it easy please.” 

That makes sense. She’s sick, she scoffs at the information that she should have already realized based on how her body feels, she figured it was the excruciating pain of losing Tobin but apparently the world thought she could use some more. 

“Kelley..” Is all she can get out as she looks into her friend's sad eyes and shivers back into the blanket that Julie helps tuck into her, effectively keeping some much needed heat in. 

“Do you remember everything last night, Christen?” Julie asks softly as she continues to tuck in the parts that aren’t and she tries to create warmth with the friction of her palms on the sides of the blanket quickly before she brings all her attention to Christen’s answering slow shake of her head.

She doesn’t remember everything, almost nothing past whatever information she could get in the car. She blinks softly to try to go back and pick up as many pieces as she can. 

She remembers Julie being able to get her to follow her into her car out of the rain in exchange for an explanation, she remembers when they finally got in that Julie herself looked so distraught she _knew_ the explanation was going to crush her. She remembers Julie explaining that she did call Ali when Christen left, but it was too late.

She remembers stumbling out a hundred questions after that statement because it made no sense and also it had nothing to do with why Tobin would know. She remembers Julie telling her that it did in fact matter, because when she called Ali to tell her everything, Ali had been hysterically crying at the information instead of sighing in relief like they both had expected.

Ali told Ashlyn everything and they had been apparently fighting ever since, Christen remembers this part because she remembers watching them fight herself after training that day, it made sense.

Julie had told her so much she couldn’t keep up but all she needed to know was why Tobin wasn’t there with her.

She remembers Ashlyn and the words _guilty_ and _drinking_ , she remembers hearing _Ashlyn and Alex played together_ for their pride youth team growing up and they kept a friendship that Ali didn’t even know the extent of, she remembers hearing _Ashlyn told Alex_. 

She remembers hearing the words _Alex told Tobin._

She remembers her world fading out into a tunnel and then blacking out and she remembers falling into her bed with the help of Julie because she couldn’t see past her hysterical crying. She doesn’t know how she feels about Ali or Ashlyn or anybody else, she just knows now what she knew in that moment, she wishes she could have explained it herself to her.

What she doesn’t remember is anything about Kelley last night. 

“Kelley wasn’t here when we got here and.. when you finally fell asleep I guess she made it home and I went to get you a glass of water for when you woke up and Kelley was.. she was packing her duffel bag with her stuff and-“ 

“No..” 

“I’m so sorry, Christen.” Julie moves the hair out of her face again and looks at her with the most protective soft eyes she’s ever seen from her, but it doesn’t help. 

_Kelley_ knows too. 

She doesn’t know who it came from, it could have been Ashlyn, it could have been Alex, it could have even come from Tobin at that point in an aggressive standoff, she has no idea but it all means the same thing to her.

Kelley found out and she left. 

Christen wouldn’t believe that she had any water left in her body for tears but apparently her body is letting out every gallon she’s ever drank. Julie holds her through it and it’s meant to be comforting but Christen doesn’t deserve any comfort right now, not after the pain she’s caused.

She needs to find Kelley, she needs to find her and tell her everything she was thinking, she needs her to know where her head was at and that she regrets it.

She needs to find Tobin, she has to tell her why she did this, her real reasons locked deeply into her mind, she needs to apologize. She’ll give them both the option to hear her out, they deserve the option and Christen will surrender it gladly.

Christen will give them whatever answers they want from her.

As she starts to get up again with her eyes closed to help with the nausea, kicking her tucked in blankets off of her swiftly, Julie tries to keep her down but she doesn’t have time for this. She needs to find them. She needs to explain. 

“Christen, she said she needs space she-“ 

“You talked to her?” Christen whips around and she feels like she’s going to faint as Julie nods sadly. 

“What did she say?” Christen asks hoping for a direction to go to find her or for an inkling of what Kelley was struggling with the most through all of it so she can start there. 

“She.. Alex ended things with her.” Is what leaves Julie’s mouth and she didn’t expect _that_ to be what she started with, she didn’t expect any of this. 

Alex broke up with Kelley last night, meaning Alex is the one who told her about the plan and also about the rule.

The rule that _Christen_ kept from _Kelley_.

The one that _Alex_ is following because _Tobin_ isn’t changing it.

She meant to ask Kelley more about Alex, she just had no idea everything was coming so fast, she knew about the rule but somehow she always forgot when she looked at them, when they were around it was like it didn’t exist. Kelley will never see it that way, the knowledge that Christen knew about it and didn’t tell her.

She wonders if Alex told Kelley she was always going to follow the rule anyway. 

She wonders if she accidentally allowed Kelley’s heart to break.

The thought makes her almost sick. It’s Christen’s fault and Kelley’s absence only proves it further, she’s caused more pain than she could have ever imagined. The amount of panic it brings her that she wasn’t the one to explain everything to both Tobin and Kelley the way she had planned last night.

How could Alex possibly have explained it right when Ashlyn was her informant and Ashlyn knows barely anything but the end goal. Nobody knows but Christen what was going on in her head, her real reasons for doing it.

It can’t be left at this. 

“What do I do?” She asks Julie as her lip wobbles and she defeatedly sits back on her bed as her friend puts the blanket over her shoulder and rubs her back through it. 

“Look at me.” Julie says as she gets the messy hair off of Christen’s sweaty forehead and firmly holds onto her jaw to really make her look up.

Christen really has no choice with the action, so she looks at her through sad tired eyes. 

“We will get you through this, I’m here for you, do you hear me?” It’s said so passionately that Christen feels her heart receive the information and she nods her head.

She hopes her angel is far too busy doing crosswords this morning to pay attention to her. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thoughts and feelings are happily welcomed.


	15. Fog.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hope plays hide and seek.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After working on it forever, I’m finally happy with the final version of this so it’s officially finished and I’m happy to give daily updates for the rest.

Julie gets her a warm bath ready, knowing she has a fever, she can’t really argue with the temperature not being scorching hot. She gets her sweatpants and a hoodie as a reward and gets her multiple fluffy towels and even makes her a mug of tea and puts it on the bathroom counter for her. She can smell the epsom salt and she’s instantly a little more compliant than she was earlier. 

She gets a glimpse of herself in the mirror and immediately scoffs at herself, she looks like she just went to war and she thinks, maybe she did, she wouldn’t even know.

The bath itself is fine, she knows she needed one. The quiet awakeness is not so fine, when all she can see behind her eyes is Tobin. 

She waited for what feels like her entire life to be a part of Tobin’s own, and now she’s probably one of Tobin’s biggest regrets. She imagines Tobin’s thoughts are simple, 

Christen was a waste of her time. 

Christen needs to tell her everything, she needs to know why she did this, it won’t justify it, but Tobin needs to know the things she’s never said to anybody. There’s so much nobody knows, so much she’s kept inside her whole life. 

When she’s out and dressed and she’s pouring her barely touched tea out in the kitchen sink, she looks at the fridge and dread overcomes her at the thought of tomorrow being their first practice. She doesn’t even think she can wake up for classes, let alone run around in the sun for two hours trying to prove points to the staff and being a leader to everyone else. 

She can barely walk through the hallway, she can’t stop crying for more than an hour at a time at this point, what the hell is she going to do. She looks at her Sunday and sees something she didn’t put there, Kelley wrote in _chocolate strudels_ under her grocery run in sloppy, too big handwriting and Christen means to scoff but it ends up in a small cry, and that’s what it takes for her to realize how stuffy her nose is when a little bit of snot comes out. 

She feels so much worse than she did in the bath and she has no idea how she is going to get anywhere like this, she grabs a napkin and cleans herself up and blows whatever comes out and all she feels is pain in her face at the action. Her head feels like it’s going to explode and her ears hurt and this can’t possibly get any worse, she doesn’t remember ever being this sick in her life. 

She thinks maybe the excessive crying isn’t helping her cold at all but she can’t stop the frustrated tears from coming. When Julie runs in to help, she’s once again reminded of how much of a burden she is and she shakes her off but Julie isn’t having it. 

“I can call your dad and-“

“No!” She’s quick to put that idea down because she can’t call her dad, he doesn’t know about anything that's going on and it’s only going to worry him. He definitely can’t know about everything she’s done or he’ll be so disappointed in her, she can’t deal with disappointing another person today, or in her lifetime maybe. 

“Chris, you need medicine at least, will you take that?” Christen nods her head at that because she just wants to be left alone now for the day. 

“Okay, I have some at my place upstairs, I’ll be right back, okay?” Julie waits for her nod and grabs her house keys and gently shuts the door, probably for Christen’s ears sake and she appreciates it.

She knows she’s being a little bit of a brat but she was never good at being sick. She tries to remember what her mom used to give her when she was little to make her feel better, always one for home remedies and helpful tricks, she remembers her mom telling her to stay cool during a fever even though you feel cold. She looks into the freezer and finds crushed ice and puts a few in a cup, she doesn’t quite remember doing this but she’ll try it. When she closes the freezer with a few in her mouth she spots the dry erase board one more time and stares at it as she relaxes the best she can against the island. She thinks if she went shopping today she would have gotten Kelley every box of chocolate toaster strudel they had. 

The thought of Kelley reminds her that she’ll be at training tomorrow so Christen has to get through her day, if she misses one class she can’t be on the pitch and she knows it. Their coach never let that go, he’s definitely not going to start now. 

She’s going to see Kelley tomorrow. 

The thought effectively calms her and she feels like she has more room in her chest to breathe, she can explain to her tomorrow.

She feels like she can think just a touch more rationally now and she knows there’s no use in texting or calling her, if Kelley wanted to talk to her right now she knows she would have made it known. 

She has to wait until tomorrow, and she has to give her the option. She’s never dealt with Tobin in a situation like _this_ , but she assumes she’s very similar. She needs to give Tobin the option but she can’t force it on her, she can’t.. she has to give her a choice.

She thinks the one thing she’s going to give Tobin for the first time is control over the situation, rightful control. She didn’t consent to any of this, in a way Christen has violated her and for once she’s giving up all of the control to Tobin. 

It’s up to her. 

It’s all she can do now is hope to be heard.

—

Waking up Monday morning feels like she's trapped under thousands of pounds of sand, and it’s all slowly seeping through into her body itself. She thinks her eyes barely had a chance on their own as she physically opens them gently with her palms. When she moves to sit up, she feels like she’s never sat up a day in her life and she knows she’s going to have to learn how to walk again in a minute. 

She has to do this, Kelley will be at practice today. 

She can figure the rest out later. 

She drags herself slowly and heavily around her room to get anything she finds first on, and she brings herself to the bathroom and leans on the door when she shuts it as a small break. When she looks at herself in the mirror, it’s not good. 

But Kelley will be at practice today.

She brushes her teeth, at least she thinks she got her teeth a few times during the brushing, and she washes her face slowly and eventually she’s ready to go.

When she makes it to the kitchen one foot at a time, the first thing she sees when she opens her eyes fully as they have continuously shut without her consent, is Zack. 

Zack, who she wouldn’t be surprised if he was angry with her too because she used him all the same. Sweet, perfect, innocent Zack, she couldn’t even spare him when he’s been nothing but good to her like everyone else. She freezes waiting for anything he’s going to give her, she’s never seen him angry before really besides his pre or post game buzz or upset at a game he’s playing, even then he’s gentle.

She doesn’t imagine he’s going to yell at her or scold her, she’s not scared of that at all but what she does fear is the look of disappointment in his eyes. She thinks she flinches just a little at the thought. When she opens her eyes again she sees something even worse.

He’s giving her a gentle understanding smile. 

How can he possibly understand this, is her last thought before she feels a tear drop and she huffs because she cannot start this now, the only way she can breathe through her nose is if she stops it before it starts. She takes a deep breath and closes her eyes to will them away.

“I got you more medicine and a ginger ale.” She hears the deep gentle voice and she blows out a breath because she knows why he went to get more medicine.

The one Julie came back with last night was for kids because Crystal won’t drink the adult ones, complaining about the taste. It did basically nothing but she promised to try it anyway so she could get to bed as fast as possible with the promise to drink half a cup of fresh brewed tea. She knows she’s meant to match his energy here but she can’t, she can’t do that when it takes any energy so she does what feels natural.

Honesty.

“You should be mad.” Is what she leaves him with and she purposely doesn’t make eye contact knowing he’s probably just going to laugh it off. She wants him to take it seriously, wants him to be angry with her like she deserves. 

“Come sit.” He requests gently as he pats the stool next to him and opens the box of medicine. She can’t really deny that request, because if she wants to make it through the day, this medicine is her best shot.

She does slowly take a seat and puts a bit of space between them as she faces him waiting for directions for how much to take, hopefully waiting for him to read it anyway because she has no shot with her headache. He fills it up for her on his own, and she sighs in relief and he hands her the ginger ale and she sips it as soon as it gets to her. It’s the good one, if the soothing of her throat is anything to go by and the fire she’s breathing out of her nose. She breathes out hard and shakes her head gently at the taste and feel of it and she hears him chuckle at it. 

“I’m not mad at you because I know who you are.” Zack informs her and Christen looks up at that perplexed, as his kind eyes smile back and he continues.

“I think we’ve always been alike in a lot of ways, a little more gentle than most, could be our mommas, I don’t know but..” Christen bites her lip at that because their moms were part of the same groups.

She knows they were both raised similarly, she knows Zack has always gotten her and she’s always gotten him, they didn’t grow up together really but they always knew of each other and by the end of high school, they formed an unspoken bond, she was elated when he and Julie made it official. 

  
“I know you, and you have always put other people before yourself, you don’t just listen to them when they come to you with something, you take it on like it’s your own and you try to fix it, no matter what.” He continues and she knows she does that but he doesn’t understand that wasn’t the only reason this time. She had a selfish reason too. She doesn’t know how to get it out so she just states it as it is, and hopes he needs nothing else. She blurts it out before he can continue about how selfless she is.

“I did it for myself too.” She isn’t looking at him but he doesn’t sound shocked yet, doesn’t make any noise or any movement that would indicate that it’s surprising and before she can feel like maybe he expected that out of her, he answers why for her. 

“Tell her that.” He whispers. 

He understands and she looks up so fast, she thinks she may have almost broken her neck and tears gather in her eyes as she opens her mouth to speak but she closes it, because she doesn’t need to talk because he already knows.

She has to tell her.

—

She wasn’t going to reach out, she was going to wait for Tobin to do it first or maybe for a chance to see her somewhere where it’s private and she doesn’t feel completely bombarded. She knows she can’t show up to her apartment or her school, it’s wrong, after not giving her a choice for anything, she’s going to wait for her signal. 

She wasn’t going to reach out but she is now, she’s going to put herself out there in surrender because she thinks maybe that’s what the right next step is.

She won’t blow up her phone, won’t call her, won’t leave her a lengthy text about all her feelings she’s ever had, she’s going to do the adult respectful thing and send her a white flag.

So she does, she’s barely keeping her eyes open in her last class of the day and she’s finally decided after thinking about it for every minute of every class today, what she’s going to say. 

**Christen** _(2:13 PM):_  
Any time or place, if you name it I will be there. 

She doesn’t expect an answer, that’s not why she did it. It’s simple and to some people it may even seem too simple or too vague even, but for Christen she knows Tobin will understand.

If Tobin ever gives her even the slightest nod of approval, she will tell her everything she’s ever kept hidden from her, she will tell her the things she never dreamed she’d utter in this life.

She will wait for her and if Tobin decides she never wants to see or hear from her again, she will sacrifice that for her. 

She’ll do whatever she wants.

But she will _always_ love her. 

—

  
  
She has no idea how she got here.

She’s got one leg in her shorts and she’s leaning against her locker and she knows where she is, but she has no idea how she got here.

She’s out of breath from getting into her training gear and she has no idea how she is meant to run. She hasn’t seen Kelley yet, she got here early with only the excited rookies in the locker room and she thinks she must not be looking like the best captain right now with her head keeping her up as she struggles to lift a leg. 

“This is a terrible idea.” Julie whispers aggressively as she helps her from behind and puts her leg through.

Christen sighs in relief at not having to hold herself up anymore and when Julie sits her down on the bench, she’s standing in front of her with what she’s sure is a soft scolding look but she can’t lift her head high enough but if her hands on her hips are any indication, she’s right. 

“You shouldn’t have even gone to classes today, this is crazy, you-“

“You’re giving me a headache, Jay.”

“That’s the fever!” She loudly whispers and Christen can tell she’s not feeling fond about it at all, and she knows she’s right, she shouldn’t be here, it’s not smart for her or anybody else who has to play this week. 

She just needs to see Kelley. 

She doesn’t even care about the practice itself or her season, everything seems so small without Kelley and Tobin.

She knows her season is important, and she knows she wouldn’t actually ever give it up but in these moments, the moments where she just wants to crawl back to Tobin and plead for her to listen and bombard her wherever she is and declare her love, in these moments she just doesn’t care.

She’s about to tell Julie not to worry and that she’ll leave if she feels like she has to, but as she looks up to meet her eyes, she sees Ali walking in behind her. 

She isn’t sure what she felt before this moment, she didn’t feel like she’s ever had time to think about Ali or Ashlyn with everything that’s going on, she thinks maybe it was a subconscious thing that she was avoiding but she knows one thing now.

She’s looking at her and she feels _anger_. 

She feels anger because Ali made this plan with her more than Julie ever did, she’s the one who ever even mentioned it, she’s the one who masterminded almost all of it and yet she got to leave the easy way.

She got to tell Ashlyn for herself, Christen’s life be damned. She’s not happy to see her, and she doesn’t hide it. Julie looks behind her and sees what she’s probably seething at and she wonders where Julie is going to lean for this one. 

She doesn’t, she just stands there and Ali moves to her side and that’s how the lines are drawn. 

At this moment, Christen hopes for the rest of the season. 

  
Kelley doesn’t show up to the locker room, she apparently got dressed already somewhere else and threw her bag somewhere by the bench, she did everything she could to avoid Christen knowing she has no chance to talk to her once the whistle blows until the end.

She knows she’s going to jog away as soon as it does, so she won’t have a chance then either. When Christen walks out slowly and opens her eyes as much as she can in the sun, she spots her, and all she can really see is Kelley looks quiet and focused. She looks like someone who shouldn’t be bothered.

Christen wishes her eyes would open just a little more so she could see her face better and try to figure out the best approach for this. She has only a moment now to talk to her before they get called into a huddle, the coaches giving them time to talk amongst themselves and pass the ball around while everyone sets up. 

She’s moving as fast as she can to get to Kelley, and she tries to open her eyes more and now she can see that the focused look is more of a scowl and this is not going to be fun. 

She has to do this for Kelley, for them. 

She feels out of breath with how fast she’s walking to the pitch and she can’t hear anyone else, all she can hear and see is Kelley and she’s almost there, she doesn’t know what she’s going to say exactly but she’s going with the truth and that’s all she needs.

She’s going just a little faster and her heart is almost scaring her with how fast it’s beating as her eyes shut again and she has to slow down so she doesn’t fall. She’s almost there, she just has to go a few more steps.

“Press, are you alright?” She knows it’s coach Mason and she has never been so annoyed to hear him in her life, not even when they’re running suicides. She nods her head but she loses her balance just the slightest and if her eyes would just open she could-

She’s got her ass on the grass faster than a baby goose and she is far less excited than one of them. She feels a slight pain in her ankle but it’s not totally rolled, she could definitely walk it off. The hard part is finding the energy to get up. Mal and Rose are picking her up before she can ask and she’s wheezing just a little. 

“Are you sick, Christen?” Mason asks her and she may have promised to not lie anymore in her head but she’ll start after this. She shakes her head convincingly and he raises his eyebrows and she imagines it's because she isn’t looking her best and she also just fell over.. 

A rookies training bag that shouldn’t have been there is what she discovers when she looks below. 

_Rookies_. 

“Yeah, just didn’t see the bag.” She says with a small smile and he looks at her like that was the dumbest thing she’s ever said but he doesn’t question it, he just lets it go being she’s always done what’s best in the past for herself and others when it comes to the game.

He just gives her one disbelieving nod and she carries on as Mal and Rose whisper behind her.

She figures they would know too. 

Or maybe they just aren’t blind.

When she makes it to the pitch, she feels the sun and she thought this would be one of the better parts of this, feeling the sun on her skin for the first time in a minute, but she just feels hot and dizzy.

She feels like it’s absorbing water out of her just from shining and this is not what she expected. She makes it close to Kelley and Kelley is immediately jogging the other way. She thinks if she just fell in front of everybody and Kelley can’t even look at her to make sure she’s alright, that this may be _the thing_. 

This may be the thing that breaks them apart for the rest of their lives, and she can’t hold back the panicked breathing at the thought. She prays it’s just too soon and she needs to be patient, she prays Kelley doesn’t leave her too, she can’t lose Kelley. She can’t lose Tobin and Kelley. 

This can’t be happening. 

The sun must be getting to her already and the exhaustion from the day mixed with the frustration and the thought of actually training in this heat has her absolutely petrified, she can’t do this, she can’t do any of this. She’s turning around as fast as she can and walking back towards the locker room when she sees her. 

Ashlyn. 

She’s got tears in her eyes and she feels like she’s absolutely burning with it all, she feels like her body is spiking with anger and she’s never going to see anything normal without red again as she looks at Ashlyn and she starts to walk over to tell her how angry she is when she feels an arm around her waist and she knows by the voice in her ear that it’s Ali.

She can’t believe she gets to protect Ashlyn in this moment, after growing up together, after everything they’ve gone through, all the mornings she’s spent with Christen’s parents, all the times she’s hugged her mom, and she’s choosing to protect _Ashlyn_ over her through all of this. 

She snaps.

“Get off of me!” She turns around as fast as she can with all of her strength and she goes to look at Ali but her world is falling. She’s back on her ass and this is the second worst day of her life as Ali is kneeling at her side as she’s trying to get enough air in her lungs to scream. 

“You did this! You fucking- you did this and you-“ Ali is surrendering her hands as Christen pushes them away as much as she can and she doesn’t see or hear anything else as she lets Ali know why she can’t breathe.

“I lost her and you get- you get to keep her.” Is what comes out as a cry and she’s turning around to get up as quick as she can but she can’t lift herself up as she feels like she’s going to faint. Julie has her immediately and she fights her too, because Ali _should_ know.

She should know that she loses the love of her life and Ali gets to keep hers when it was _her_ idea. 

It’s too bad her body doesn’t agree with her emotional needs because she thinks she’s practically falling asleep now or she’s dying.

She hears coach Mason in the back of her head but everything else seems to go black as she’s put back down on the concrete of the walkway.   
  


—

Dehydrated. 

It makes sense, as the team trainer has her drinking as much water safely as she can and has ice around her body to bring her temperature down as she lays down snuggled into it all, feeling the best she has in days, the numbness bringing all of the physical pain away and her mind not being able to wander much past how cold it is.

She scolds Christen appropriately for dragging her body through the day in this condition and Christen just nods not being able to explain her motivation. She knows she thinks it’s because of soccer, she decides it’s fine she thinks that, it’s probably better that way. 

The trainer recommends she doesn’t go to class for the next two days, effectively making her miss Wednesday’s practice.

Their opening game is next Friday and this all just doesn’t seem very fair, but life doesn’t seem to be fair anyway. She nods dumbly and lets it go hoping Mason will play her still.

She feels helpless for everything in her life, she feels cold without Tobin and she feels part of her is missing without Kelley and she thinks the only thing that should have been consistent through this is soccer. 

When she finally makes it out of the room, she’s met with Zack in the tunnel in the back, Julie must have asked him to come get her she realizes as he takes her duffel bag from her and helps her wobbly legs to his car. He doesn’t talk, he doesn’t ask questions, he just drives and lets them sit in comfortable silence and Christen has never been so thankful for silence in her life. He helps her up the stairs and he gets her to the couch, that’s when he finally says a full sentence as he gets the throw blanket over her. 

“Kelley checked on you.” He says softly and Christen looks up puzzled because she was awake the whole time, she would have known. 

“She peeked her head in when Julie had to leave you, I turned around just in time.” And that makes more sense, the thought warms her just the slightest.

At least Kelley doesn’t completely hate her.

Baby steps.

Zack is grinning now and Christen scoffs at him, she genuinely laughs a little for the first time in what feels like years at his proud moment for catching it. 

“Thank you.” Is all she says to him softly and she looks at him with every ounce of appreciation she can get into her eyes, he accepts it with a nod and he gets up with a pat to her leg.

When he’s gone, Christen closes her eyes and tries to rest but her mind continues to wander to soft honey eyes she’ll probably never see again. Even if she sees her again, she’ll never see her soft again, not with her. She thinks of the last night they spent together, she feels blessed that she’s able to remember every single thing about that night but it also may be a curse with the way it’ll never leave her.

She remembers every inch of skin kissed with soft pouty lips, no amount of showers or third degree burns could take it away. 

She opens her phone to Tobin’s messages knowing she never answered her, and looks for one specific message from weeks ago.

 **Tobin** _(10:26 PM):_  
See you tomorrow, sweet dreams.   
  


She falls asleep instantly.

  
—

When she wakes up next, she believes she’s having a fever dream because she opens her heavy hot eyelids and she sees Kelley sitting on their coffee table facing her. She groans at the grogginess she feels as she slowly gets up to touch her but Kelley stands up immediately, long before she can get to her. 

She came home, she-

“You’re my best friend.” Kelley directs it to the floor but Christen feels just as happy as if it was promised into her eyes, she replays it in her head over and over and she has to be dreaming.

“I’m.. I’m mad, I don’t know if it’s at you or.. whatever but I’m upset and I need space.” She continues and Christen’s lip trembles but Kelley doesn’t need to deal with even more stress, she never handled a crying Christen well, so she waits patiently and nods in understanding and waits for if she continues.

“I can’t believe you didn’t tell me, after everything we’ve-“ she looks upset now and she looks to the ceiling and Christen remains quiet because she knows, _she knows._

“You knew about the rule and you watched me with Alex.. you- you gambled with _my_ feelings.” Christen closes her eyes at this in pain because she can’t even deny it when she thinks about it, she may not have ever been able to fathom it ending up this way but she gambled with Kelley’s heart without her consent too.

Kelley sighs out a tired sigh and Christen looks at her and she looks like she isn’t sleeping great either, she wishes she could help, she wishes she could fix this. Kelley looks at her and Christen tries to convey how sorry she is through her eyes knowing Kelley isn’t asking for an explanation yet because she isn’t ready. 

“I love you and.. I’ll come back but I need time, I need time to sit with it, so Julie and I are switching apartments for now.” Christen bites her lip back and she nods sadly knowing she can’t do anything but she holds onto the words Kelley said to her in her heart. She’ll believe them to be true, she’ll be patient for Kelley, she still loves her, she still wants to come back. She just needs time, she can do that, it’s the least she can do.

A recurring theme in Christen’s life apparently.

“So I need you to stop going all curious George when you’re clearly sick, you don’t need to do that anymore. Okay?” Kelley says as she picks up her keys on the table and Christen nods at her with a soft okay. Kelley doesn’t say anything else, she just nods once and turns around to leave and Christen lets a tear go finally as she lets out a breath that she didn’t know she was holding. 

She can do space, Kelley will come back.

She loves her. 

She isn’t going to lose her.   
  
  


—

  
  
As expected, being home all day is agonizing.

Julie gives her everything she needs and makes sure she’s okay while Christen tries to shoo her away, promising her she doesn’t need anything. She’s not lying either, she feels a lot better now that she’s taking hydration seriously and eating little easy on the stomach snacks through the day. She feels a lot better physically, she just doesn’t know how to tell anyone that she’s not moving Wednesday because she feels like it’s pointless.

Without soccer for the day, without Kelley and without Tobin, what’s the point of getting up. She knows Kelley is coming back, she knows she won’t lose her but she still feels like she needs to be punished for how she’s treated her. They’ve told each other everything since she can remember, and Christen had a clear warning that Alex wasn’t going to last, had she just put her pride aside for the possibility that Tobin wouldn’t work out. 

She let Kelley walk into something that hurt her tremendously and she had a _warning_ and chose to ignore it, or her brain did anyway. It’s all the same thing, she kept it from Kelley and now it’s too late to keep her safe from it all. 

She’s also thinking of the way she treated Ali and she may still have anger for the girl, she may still not understand anything that she did or why she didn’t just tell her, but she shouldn’t have lashed out like that and she knows it. At some point, her relationship with Ali shifted into something she could have never imagined through this experience, she started to almost resent her, she avoided her, she couldn’t even bring herself to call her when she knew she was having a rough time. She turned into a bad friend, no matter what the circumstances were, and that’s she’s never done that before. 

There’s a lot to be figured out and a lot to apologize for and a lot to ask but there’s only one person she wants to talk to right now.

Tobin. 

Tobin, who she hasn’t heard from or seen, hasn’t even gotten word from anybody that she’s alive or how she’s doing or how her practices are going. She knows nothing, she’s completely in the dark and it’s excruciating.

She thinks if Tobin had it her way, she’d probably never hear from her again. She just wants to know what Tobin was told, there’s no way she could possibly know the full truth considering only Christen has that, she just wants to know how vague the information was. She wants to know how and what she was told and how she reacted to it, she thinks there’s two ways, really, and she’s a little torn between wanting both.

It’s possible that Tobin being.. Tobin, she could have taken the information and scoffed at it and moved on, not even giving it a second thought, moving on to the next one and plenty more. The second way is something Christen doesn’t like to think about, the possibility of it being soul crushing, the way it would be for Christen. 

She puts herself in Tobin’s shoes, Tobin had given her a million clues that she was infatuated with Christen the way she had been with Tobin for years, she just always put it aside and ignored it because it hurt too much to imagine, for many reasons. With the way Christen has longed intensely for Tobin for what feels like her whole life, if she found out that the reason why Tobin was finally interested now was because she wanted to wreck her season the year before the draft, she doesn’t even know if she would be able to get up the next day. 

The pain seems unimaginable.

She also thinks of how Tobin doesn’t know the truth at all, no matter what she was told, it’s wrong. She may have taken the role on and she may have made it look like she had one specific goal in mind but she didn’t, Christen’s plan never really changed. She knew what she wanted from the second she chose it. 

She has to tell her that but she knows Tobin, even if she has a small match of hope lighting through her body for a few seconds a day, she knows the truth, Tobin will never contact her again.

She doesn’t want to violate her, doesn’t want to be more of a burden than she’s already been, but she just needs one chance to explain to her everything she’s locked away, she just doesn’t know how to do it. How does she give Tobin the option in person without bombarding her and forcing her into it, how does she make sure nobody else will be around to see it to make Tobin more uncomfortable than she’ll already be.

She thinks for what feels like hours and she comes up with nothing, she takes a shower and nothing, she eats a small lunch and not one single thing. She already sent her a surrender text, that’s the most respectful option she can give her. There’s nothing she can do. 

She goes to sleep and waits for classes tomorrow to give her a purpose to wake up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sad noises. see you tomorrow.


	16. Rain Confessions.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A cup half empty is a cup half full.

Zack is one of the gentlest souls she’s ever met, he’s helped her more this week than any other person has, even though she appreciates everyone else. He’s one of the kindest, most knowledgeable human beings she’s met, it’s undeniable.

He also has one of the most _obnoxiously_ loud laughs she’s ever heard. Any other time, she thinks she wouldn’t even care, maybe she wouldn’t even notice really, but today, after she struggles to find sleep and her mood is a bit sour, _today_ , she cares. 

It’s also just significantly earlier than she usually has to get up and get ready. 

She has no idea where the guy can even go this early, is school even open this early, he can’t possibly do this everyday, does he? 

She knows Julie, she knows Julie very well and she knows without even getting up that Julie is absolutely sleeping like a rock in Kelley’s bed right now, there’s no chance at her being up this early.

What could Zack possibly be laughing about alone. Christen doesn’t want to get up, she really doesn’t want to, but she’s already awake and she knows it’s only a matter of time before she’s starting to think about the reality of her life so she gets up and takes advantage of the extra hour, maybe she’ll make a nice breakfast, now that she’s feeling better. 

She may have to scold Zack just a little, because if she had practice today after classes, he would be seeing a whole other Christen right now. 

Thankfully for him, todays a light day, she has her easiest classes and also no practice until tomorrow, it’s the perfect way to kick back into things after two days off. 

When she gets as presentable as possible and walks into the hallway, the first thing she hears is Zack slurping cereal like he forgot how to eat like an adult. The next thing she hears is a video off his phone lightly playing. 

He can’t possibly wake up this early to watch YouTube videos and laugh at them like he’s never been told a joke in his life. As she continues to walk and spots him, it all becomes clear.

_He can._

Christen scoffs at the scene and Zack looks up with a surprised smile that’s followed by a look of guilt and Christen figures he realized he woke her up because she looks like the grinch that stole more than just Christmas. 

She rolls her eyes and maybe it’s because it’s Zack that she lets it go, even with her terrible mood lately, but she does. She moves to make tea and gives him a gentle half smile to let him know it’s alright and he instantly softens with relief and continues to eat his cereal. 

“Why do you wake up this early?” 

“I drive Jules and I’m used to training this early before school for football.” He says it with his mouth completely full and he mumbles through the whole thing and Christen raises her eyebrows as she blinks approximately eighty times a second at the situation in front of her.

She is very fond of him though, he comes over this early to Julie’s every morning, she bets.

She is just unfortunately her temporary roommate for now as she watches the grown man child in front of her eat an entire box of cereal like that’s a normal breakfast.

He looks up at her and pauses his video and he probably can read some of her thoughts through her facial expressions and also she’s probably got a small grimace on her face on accident, imagining eating _that much_ cereal this early as she looks at the box in front of him.

“I’m bulking.” Is his explanation as he puts his spoon down and flexes his arms. She scoffs at him and finishes making her tea as she brings it to the island to sit on the stool across from him and lean on the counter.

The hot steam coming from the cup is so soothing as she brings her face closer and breathes it in and lets it relax her.

She thinks about everything that remains unresolved in her life and how she can fix it and she thinks about Kelley, and when she’ll come home. Then the thought that she hates most comes abruptly as she knew it would. 

She has the same thought multiple times a day, and it brings a tidal wave of pain with it. She has one question she asks herself that she can never answer, and she hates that she can’t.

She wonders at all moments throughout the day what Tobin would be doing. 

Right now, she’d be sleeping, so this ones easy, except it’s not. 

Is she sleeping well? Is she struggling to kick off the covers in her sleep? She always starts with them, but she can never handle them by the middle of the night, but sometimes she’ll be too tired to wake up and move them.

She hopes she’s not too hot, she hopes she ate a decent dinner last night and she has an even better breakfast this morning, knowing she’s going to need the energy to fuel her leg day workout because she won’t eat after lunch. She wonders how she went her whole life without worrying about these things before, she only just now learned about all of these things and she can’t imagine unknowing them. She only spent a handful of full nights beside Tobin, but she thinks she’ll always turn over to make sure there’s a full glass of water on her left nightstand. 

Just in case.

“Where did you just go?” Zack brings her out of her thoughts and he has a soft expression, he’s not asking to ask, he’s asking because it’s an offer, he has a few ideas of where she could have gone.

She thinks of brushing it off with a laugh, she thinks of thanking him but letting it pass, but this is Zack and she needs help, maybe he can help. She hopes he won’t make her be less vague, and if he does she’ll pretend she never asked, but she’ll give it a try. 

“She didn’t respond, and I don’t know how to tell her.” She says into her tea, there’s a short pause after and she doesn’t know if he’s trying to catch up or make a plan but she’ll wait for both and when he softly hums, she’s a little impatient with wonder.

“Not a public kind of girl either, is she.” He says mostly to himself under his breath and Christen realizes now that he’s making a plan, he’s right with her, he knows exactly where she is. 

“Showing up to her door or anywhere else is wrong after everything and..” she tries to help him with whatever she can and he’s nodding like he already knew that with a light laugh through his nose. “She deserves the choice.” She finishes with for herself, really.

“What about writing it out?” He asks. 

“That’s a _really_ long text and it just feels-“

”No, like a letter.” He interrupts her wrong assumption with a motion of his head like that was obvious. 

A letter. 

It’s not a bad idea, it’s similar to a text but she has the _option_ to open it when she sees her name in Christen’s handwriting. She can write it tonight and leave it for her under her apartment door tomorrow or she can put it under her windshield wiper of her truck and then she can say she offered everything she could. She can finally let it free.

It’ll at least be written somewhere, the truth.

The absolute honest truth of it all, her apology, her love.

All she can do is offer it and if she doesn’t respond or even ever open it.. she has to let it go, for her. She blows out a shaky painful exhale at the thought of having to give up Tobin for the rest of her life. 

Christen almost wants to laugh at the thought of anyone else ever trying to be with her. She wonders if it’s something she’ll have to tell people about, she imagines having to say hey, I’ll never love you the way I love this person and if she ever comes back I’ll leave you on sight, but we can try this.

The thought that maybe that’s what every relationship she’s ever tried was anyway, crosses her mind.

At least there’s a plan to get it out and offer it to her, she nods with a smile and he smiles right back. 

Yeah, she’ll let him eat the loudest cereal he wants until Kelley comes back. 

  
  


—

  
  


A month ago, this letter would have been absolutely unfathomable. 

It wouldn’t have been written, Christen would have tried, maybe, but nothing would be written.

She couldn’t imagine these things being said out loud, let alone be written down for proof of existence. She wouldn’t even acknowledge them in her own head, and now she’s unlocking the flood gate and it is absolutely pouring from her body onto this paper.

She felt it in burning her fingertips, distracted in every class, imagining all the things she will write. She doesn’t even care about how it’s worded, doesn’t care if it’s pretty, all she wants is for it to be true. She wants everything she’s held in to be left on this piece of paper and she wants to let it pour out of her, every single part of it. She wants Tobin to read it and feel every letter of every word.

She’s not going to hide one single thing from Tobin, no matter how desperate or pathetic it seems or looks. 

If she’s felt it, it goes on the paper. 

For Tobin. 

It’s not how she imagined telling her she loved her finally, it’s not what she dreamt, but it doesn’t matter, she won’t ever get a chance to say it properly in person anyway. If she doesn’t get to be with Tobin, so be it, but Tobin will know she loves her, and she won’t ever stop. 

Christen thinks this goes until she takes her last breath, and even then, it keeps going.

So she’s here, she’s here after being ignored by Kelley all day, every time she saw her on campus, and she’s here after Ashlyn walking right past her and Ali parking further away from her usual spot by Christen, she’s _here_. Ready to write for Tobin, regardless of the day or her mood or anything else, she is here.

She doesn’t even know if she’s thinking the words as her hand writes on the paper. She’s using her favorite ink pen and she has a tiny orange sticker to close the envelope she’s going to put it in for Tobin, because that’s her favorite color. At least, she thinks, regardless of all the whispers in her ear about Christen’s eyes being her new one, she saw hues of orange all around Tobin’s room.

Also, she doesn’t think Tobin would want to see her eye color right now if she could make it a sticker anyway, so orange it is. 

She cries writing it, so much that some of it even smudged when she hit it with her hand and it’s only two little smudges, probably barely noticeable but it still bothers her, but she won’t rewrite it. She’ll go against everything in her body begging her to make it cleaner and crisper, she won’t rewrite it because this one is raw and she doesn’t think she’ll ever be able to even forge something so good even from her own head. 

She doesn’t read it back, she throws 2 full sheets of paper into the envelope as nice as she can and she writes Tobin in the most natural handwriting she can and just in case, she uses a highlighter to mark a line on the top of the envelope so Tobin will definitely know it’s hers before she opens it, always laughing at how much she would highlight when she went back to study in front of her. 

She feels relief wash over her when she’s got it in her hands and it’s all said and done, it was a cathartic experience and she’s never felt anything like it before.

She’s scared, she’s absolutely petrified of these words being read but she can’t back out now, not when it’s her only way to bring Tobin back. She thinks about how if she thinks about this too much she won’t ever let it go, so she stops and goes to bed. 

Tomorrow morning, she’ll wake up before she can change her mind and she’ll get it to Tobin’s windshield before she wakes up, she’ll start the day new and she’ll live every following moment of her life knowing Tobin at least knows. 

She needs her to know. 

Tomorrow. 

—

  
  


She wakes up early in anticipation, long before her alarm clock was meant to go off, but it doesn’t matter. She can make it home and have a nice breakfast, she just needs to get this letter to Tobin’s windshield.

It’s a little chilly this morning, the sun is still asleep and it’s just now starting to bring some light blues into the world, by the time she gets to Tobin’s, it’ll be lighter out. She throws some sweatpants on to keep warm and she’s ready to go, ready to let everything she’s kept down finally fly free through the universe.

She’s ready for Tobin to know.

Embarrassment, pride, unreciprocated feelings be damned, she’s ready. 

She makes it to Tobin’s and her truck is there, as it should be. What she didn’t realize is how seeing the truck she loved would tighten her chest, she didn’t think about anything past knowing she wouldn’t see Tobin herself.

She made love to Tobin in this truck, she had some of their firsts here, she realized so many things inside of it. She thinks of how much she misses the smell and how she’ll probably never smell it again, the thought can bring her down a rabbit hole but she needs to get this to her windshield, now. 

So she does. 

She stands on the step bar of the driver door and she leans over without touching the actual truck the best she can, and she folds it into the windshield wiper. She makes it as noticeable as possible and before she leaves, she kisses her hand and brings it to the letter soft as ever for one last kiss for her. 

When she gets to her car, she drives away immediately knowing if she sticks around she may take it back, but she won’t give herself the chance. She thinks of how she can’t even remember their last kiss, she can’t remember which one it was, if it was the night before that rainy day on the pitch or if it was that morning and she had just fallen back asleep.

She can’t remember the last time Tobin’s lips were on hers and the pain that comes with that knowledge is sharp and leaves an ache she thinks will never leave. She’s sure she’s never gone this long without Tobin’s lips on hers since their first kiss, that knowledge almost breaks her all over again. She can’t imagine doing this for the rest of her life. 

She prays to god that Tobin reads the letter. 

She just needs her to know. 

When she’s almost back to her apartment and the light blues are becoming so light she doesn’t need her headlights anymore, she hears a few drops of rain and she scoffs at the world picking and choosing the days to cry. 

She thinks maybe this can be a good sign this time, maybe it’ll be a relaxing drizzle instead of a stormy downpour, she hopes anyway. It rains a nice gentle pace and it’s actually peaceful and she only needs to have her windshield wipers on low so-

 _Oh_. 

That can’t be good for the letter.

She’s turning around and she thinks it’s illegal but there’s no cars on the road so she does it for the first time in her life, and it was a terribly dumb decision but she’s still alive so she’ll take it as a warning.

She’s got to get to that letter before it’s too wet to read, she’ll never be able to write it as raw as that again.

Tobin _needs_ to read that one.

The rain is still gentle but it’s paper for god's sake, why didn’t she check the weather app. She’s only five minutes away now and she can start to hear it rain harder and she speeds just over the limit and it’s dumb, she knows, but she has to get to this letter. 

She can’t fuck this up. 

She gets there and it’s in a downpour now and she doesn’t even realize what time it is, she doesn’t care if she’s later than she thinks because her first class starts later today so she runs out of her car when she parks and she goes to step on the step bar and it’s far too slippery so she almost falls but she makes it and-

The alarm is going off. 

She doesn’t have time to hate her life for too long because she has to get out of here before Tobin gets up and sees her, thankfully Tobin should still be sleeping so it’ll take her some time but god, is Christen sorry for waking her up and making her come outside.

She knows she doesn’t like waking up early unless the incentive of morning sex is there and eventually she learned that just enough naked warm skin is enough for Tobin to be fine with it too. 

_Focus_.

She bends over the truck aggressively now because she doesn’t have time to be gentle about it considering the loudest alarm she’s ever heard is waking up everyone within 50 miles.

When she finally is able to grab the letter, it’s so soft from the downpour that she rips it in half and it’s a soggy mess and she thinks she physically feels her heart break into a million pieces all over again. 

She’ll never be able to fix this, she’ll never be able to write a letter even close to that again, she knows she was a one hit wonder and the tears coming down her face are just happy the rain is there to disguise them for now. She goes to hop down from the too slippery bar and she fumbles just a little before she stands up fully and she looks up before she’s about to jog to her car, just so she can beg someone, anyone, for help with her heart through this.

It’s over.

There is nothing she can do and maybe this was even a sign from god or her angel, it’s a sign and she knows it to be true. She’s got to give up now. Christen has her hood covering as much of her as she can and she’s jogging back to her car when she hears her most favorite raspy morning voice in the world.

“Hey, what the hell do you think you’re doing!”

It’s Tobin, it’s Tobin who thinks she’s a stranger trying to steal her truck, she remembers as she hears the key fob turn the alarm off and she knows Tobin is looking at her waiting for her to explain so she saves her the effort of screaming out tired threats to the stranger and turns around for her with her hood down.

Tobin is visibly shocked, she looks tired too, and Christen’s feels so bad for waking her up because she knows she’s probably exhausted and it’s raining and now she’s wet and she had to come all the way-

“What? You want to take my fucking truck too?” Tobin scoffs out and the way it’s said breaks Christen in places she didn’t know could break, she feels pieces throughout her body and she thinks maybe her body is slowly disintegrating into itself.

She thinks fast because she just wants Tobin to get out of the rain now and be able to go back to sleep warm and dry, she wants her to forget she ever saw her this morning and she’ll never bother her again. 

“I’m sorry.” Is all she supplies her and she means for waking her up but she also means for everything she’s done, if Tobin is angry then she has to be hurt too, and that means one of Christen’s worse nightmares that she was torn on for selfish reasons, Tobin was broken at the knowledge of it all and she can’t stand it.

Tobin blows out a laugh that isn’t humorous at all and she looks torn between screaming and walking away but she also puts her hand out for an explanation for why she’s trying to break into her truck. 

“I- I put something there and then I left but it started raining so I had to come back to get it and the alarm went off, I’m so sorry.” She says as softly as she can over the rain as she shows Tobin what’s left of the soggy paper pieces and she thinks if it’s possible to get another cold, she probably will from this.

She’ll deal with it, she deserves another one anyway.

Tobin looks confused at first but as she looks at the pieces more clearly, she recognizes it for what it is and she scoffs at it and turns away.

Christen is frozen, she has no idea what she can do now because she doesn’t even have the letter to give her and Tobin obviously doesn’t want to hear anything she has to say. She tries desperately to grasp one thing out of her mind that she remembers writing, but it’s absolutely blank.

Everything except for one thing. 

It may be wrong, but it’s all she has, Tobin may never know the rest of it but she wants her to know this, she needs her to know this if she is going to survive on the same planet as her. She can’t walk another step without her knowing. So she jogs to her as she’s almost to her door and she doesn’t even think about grabbing her arm because she knows Tobin wouldn't appreciate that so she calls out for her to stop her. 

She calls out.

But Tobin doesn’t stop walking, and it feels like a punch to the gut.

“Tobin, please.” She pleads in her spot as Tobin continues walking and she thinks she almost hears a snarl but she can’t be sure and when Tobin is a few steps from the door, she says it for one reason.

It’s not to stop her, it’s not to bring her back, it’s not meant to fix anything, she just needs her to know. 

“I love you!” 

It does finally stop her and she does turn, but she doesn’t look happy, she doesn’t look the way Christen dreamt after saying those words to her at all, but this is all she has, so she makes sure she knows. 

“I do, _so_ much, I’ll leave and I promise I’ll never bother you again, I won’t even try to bother you at the games you have to see me for, okay? I’ll do that for you, but you need to know that I love you, and I’ll never stop, it never goes away, I’ll always love you, Tobin.” She’s absolutely sobbing like a baby but she got it out, she let it out and it didn’t feel like anything was repaired but it did feel like she finally recognized herself and that’s all she can hope for as Tobin stares back at her and nothing seems to have softened, not one part of her face.   
  
“You _used_ me.” Tobin is almost seething and Christen is shaking her head violently ready to explain but Tobin continues before she can even take a breath. “I humiliated myself in front of you, I- I put myself out there and told you about how I felt when we were younger and you used it against me and pretended to-“ 

“It wasn’t pretend, it was never-“

“You never even looked at me before this!” It’s the loudest Tobin has ever been in her presence and it’s still not the worst part, the worst part is watching tears rush out of Tobin’s soft pretty eyes that are now red and angry.

It’s excruciating to Christen, and it has her instinctively crying harder herself as Tobin softens as she looks around and continues as Christen digs her hands deeper into her soaked hoodie as she realizes she can’t disprove the statement.

She thinks of how Tobin isn’t denying the fact that she knows she loves her. She thinks Tobin _can’t possibly_ think she doesn’t love her. It’s not the kind of love that you have to look for or question, the love she has for Tobin has to be felt like an anchor finding its place underwater. She thinks Tobin feels it, but she probably thinks it’s a quick infatuation or a temporary thing she developed during their time together and the girl doesn’t know what to do with it all. Tobin doesn’t know the extent of her feelings and Christen has no idea how to prove it. 

“I don’t hate you, I'm not holding a grudge over this but we aren’t friends, we aren’t going to laugh about this and forget it, we’re rivals on that pitch and nothing else.” It’s said with finality and Christen bites her lip hard enough to remind her she’s still alive as she nods her head because, what else is she to do. 

When Tobin walks away, Christen is drenched in it all.

—

Hope. 

Everybody talks about hope as if it’s this big impossible thing to miss, and Christen used to believe that hope never seemed like a quiet assassin or a subconscious comfort to her, you knew you had it or you knew you didn’t.

She didn’t realize she still had hope that big for Tobin to come running back into her arms, she thought she accepted that she most likely wouldn’t, that it was too far gone, that she was just trying to make sure that Tobin heard her words. She didn’t realize she was still hoping that strongly, but now that she’s here, empty and hopeless, she knows what it truly means to have none left. 

Friday goes by like she blacked out, looking at her life she knows she has things to look forward to, she has Kelley who is apparently promising to come back home, and she has a great family, and she has a great talent for the sport she loves and she’s going to fight like hell to be drafted. But it doesn’t make it feel like less of a loss, it doesn’t make life not worth living, she knows she has a lot to live for and a lot to learn and achieve, she just feels.. 

Like something’s always going to be missing. 

Like Tobin will always be a missing piece to a full picture. 

But life will go on.

Classes fly by, she pays attention because thinking of anything else will have her in a useless puddle on the floor, she gets to training and she gives Ali a small barely there smile and she doesn’t even mean to do it, but she just has no energy to do anything else.

She looks away before she can see a reaction.

She gives Ashlyn the same when she’s the keeper that’s receiving her kicks, and she says thank you softly to Kelley when she throws the yellow team pinnie to her and she looks away before she can see a grimace from her most loved friend. 

It’s not even close to normal, but it’s not as bad as it was, she’ll take what she can get. 

Julie gives her space, she doesn’t ask her anything past casual, and Zack doesn’t either, and her day is fine.

Her day is fine, except every time she thinks of the chestnut haired captain, she loses her breath from the pain of her now permanent absence. The weekend seems more daunting than anything else, now that she depends on class for a moment of numbness in her mind from the distraction. Coach Mason takes her through plays on his tablet and she nods and listens and directs her team properly and it all goes smoothly, not as smooth as it could, but good enough. 

She gets through the day, and she thinks that’s all she could really ask for. 

When practice is over and everyone’s showered and leaving, Christen thinks she almost falls asleep on the bench with how tired she is, but she makes it out with her bag.

She makes it to the empty pitch and the sun feels good, the sun feels like an apology to her skin, and she soaks it up, she lays as she always has and she feels every inch of her skin burn just a touch, even then, she feels just a touch too cold.

She lays there thinking of what she has tried so hard not to think about today.   
  


She thinks she’s never going to live a day without the thought of her, because how can she possibly convince her body and mind to do something her soul begs for. She thinks maybe it’s always been like this, why try to stop it now. 

She thinks of how the sun is as warm as Tobin’s chest when it’s against her back, when she can feel her heartbeat and every breath she takes in and out of her lungs. She thinks now that her eyes are closed, if she tries hard enough, she can almost feel like she’s falling asleep with Tobin. She can almost feel a comforting weight on her if she breathes just a tad slower, just how Tobin’s is. She places herself into Tobin’s neck in her mind, and she thinks it’s crazy but she can smell the skin there.

She falls asleep in the comforting sun just like that.

—

  
  
Gentle pats to her stomach are what wake her up in the end, and when she’s about to ask Julie for one more minute, she hears her voice. 

“Chris.”

When she opens her eyes it’s to the sun almost setting and freckles in her line of view and for just a second, she thinks she’s having a flashback to the millions of times this has happened before.

Kelley is here, Kelley woke her up, maybe she’ll even come home tonight if Christen doesn’t speak too much.

Christen gets up with a tired happy sigh to see Kelley and tries to get the sleep out of her limbs but she feels so tired. 

“You just recovered from being dehydrated and you’re sleeping in the sun.” The light scold Kelley greets her with feels too small, knowing what she really deserves.

When she helps her sit up, Christen didn’t even realize how dumb that probably was. She didn’t mean to do it and Kelley probably thinks she did. 

“I didn’t mean it, I was just tired.” She says sleepily and she knows her lip wobbles and she doesn’t mean that either so she tries to bite it back but she just wants to go home. 

But home doesn’t sound all that good to her anymore either and that’s the thought that brings a tear down her cheek.

She thinks she’ll never have a day without crying again, and Kelley does not look thrilled about it. Kelley never liked this, she never dealt well with crying in general, especially not when it was Christen. She doesn’t mean this either, and it’s another thing to add to her list. 

“Can I take you home?” Kelley asks softly as she watches her and Christen figures, yeah, why not.

She leaves her car in this parking lot enough that they probably recognize her anyway. She nods and starts to get up slowly and finds her bag and puts her slides on as she walks sleepily a step behind a slow Kelley.

The fact that Kelley has to drive her to the apartment and then go into a different one is almost comical in her tired state. She just accepts it and gets into the passenger seat she knows so well and drifts back to sleep against a place much cooler than the too hot pitch and her last thought is simple. 

It can only go up from here. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not to be dramatic but the lyrics to What A Time by Julia Michaels fits this one a bit for them, but who knows.


	17. Breeze.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A gentle wind.

Waking up Saturday morning, she knows three things to be true. 

  1. She’ll never wake up to Tobin’s warmth again.
  2. Kelley meant it when she said she’d bring her home. 
  3. Her dad’s music taste is still awful. 



  
Her old bedroom is simple and clean, just the way she left it.

She briefly remembers everything, it’s just a bit cloudy due to her emotional and physical exhaustion last night.

She briefly remembers a helpful Kelley kissing her forehead with a hand around her waist bringing her into her dad’s welcoming arms on his front porch. She thinks she may remember crying into her dads chest softly, silently begging him to fix her.

Kelley knew exactly what she needed, and she drove the late Friday night drive just for her as she slept.

She’s not all that surprised, if she’s truly honest with herself because she’d do the same for Kelley, and Kelley loves her still, she told her so. She thinks the love that she has for Kelley is entirely different than any love she’s ever had before, it’s the kind you’d die for and the kind you know you’re lucky to have. Kelley is a beacon of hope to her and she hopes to be half of what Kelley is to her to Kelley herself.

Kelley loves her back the same, she knows it.

If she also didn’t know it in her heart, even if Kelley had never told her, she thinks she’d always feel it no matter how far apart they ended up.

She doesn’t know where she is on regular soulmates right now, trying to navigate through if you can drive yours away, but she is sure of platonic soulmates, because Kelley is her soulmate in that sense, and that won’t go away. 

She knows her dad is going to be in the backyard by now, doing his weekend crossword in the sun, a habit she picked up herself. She showers quickly in her bathroom and puts on the outfit left out for her from her dad, her old soccer shorts and his doggy grandpa hoodie, and she smiles at the comfort and nostalgia of it all.

When she gets downstairs she looks out their patio doors around the living room and sure enough, there he is. She wants to cry at the sight of him alone, she thinks of what it was like when she’d wake up early to see both of her parents outside their old home smiling, no doubt arguing about what the word they need to fill in is.

She opens the door and he looks up and gives her the most comforting smile she’s seen all year. She promises herself to visit more often in that moment.

Both dogs run to her like no time has passed at all and she bathes happily in the sloppy wet kisses. 

“My babies, I missed you both so much.” She whispers softly at them and her dad's soft laugh fills the backyard. She smiles at the feeling of being home and the sun being on her skin again. She sits on the wood of the deck with her dad and dogs and breathes until she feels calm enough to let it all go for the moment being. She sits criss cross applesauce with her eyes closed and breathes in the air of the backyard and the new day. She opens her eyes to her dad's closed ones in his chair with a small smile on his face and knows he’s doing the same.

“Yup, she’s here now.” He says opening his eyes and looking at her. She knows exactly what he means, because she feels it too.

Her angel is here and she’s as happy as ever.

She laughs softly into the sky and feels the worries of her life physically drift away. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” He asks her with no expectations in his tone.

She knew he was going to ask, what father wouldn’t? Most people shake the question off, ignore it and never come back to it but Christen, she knows her dad.

She knows he’d never steer her the wrong way, she trusts him. She trusts him to make this better, to tell her what to do next to be the best person she can, to tell her how to get through the season. She nods her head softly to him, effectively expressing that she’d like him to wait while she thinks of how to ask for help and what to say.

A few moments of silence go by and she eventually does.

“Do you remember Tobin?” 

There’s an unexpected pause after, she knows he remembers her, it was more of a rhetorical question to introduce the new subject between them than anything. 

She looks over and thinks maybe he’s trying to remember who she is but all she finds there is a fond knowing smile with his head resting against his chair. It’s confusing to her, she’s never really mentioned Tobin to him, in fact, she remembers her entire life purposely going around mentioning her, hating the feeling of being watched by someone or something. She never uttered her name unless absolutely necessary.

She hears him laugh softly into the sky like she did earlier, and she stares at him perplexed at the reaction. 

“I do.” He whispers softly and she raises her eyebrows in a challenge now.

She wonders if Kelley told him more than she thought.

“I..” she starts and she stops trying to think of all of the things she could say to explain the situation. The truth is, she doesn’t know how to shorten in, but she knows every small detail is important. From the very beginning, including the plan she made with her friends. She thinks of everything she can say but has no idea where to start, so she starts with what she’s dealing with at this moment and decides to move backwards.

“I hurt her.” 

He looks at her sadly at this, probably expecting something else, maybe Tobin hurting her would have been an easier conversation for him in a way, having all of the dad sayings already in his head. He definitely isn’t prepared for the rest of what she has to say, she knows that. 

“I can’t fix it, and it feels like.. it feels like I’m stuck and the rest of my life seems like.. I don’t know.” 

“Christen.” He gently gets her attention and when she looks, she doesn’t expect to see a face that has no surprise at all anymore.

“You do know what you’re trying to say, keep going, pretend I’m not here.” She chuckles at the request, what does that even really mean, he _is_ here and she _doesn’t_ know what she’s trying to say, but he’s waiting as he looks ahead and has his eyes closed, and that means she has nothing but time to figure it out now.

So she thinks, she thinks really hard and then she decides to just open her mouth and let the words fall instead of trying to construct them. It’s a few minutes of silence and she eventually closes her eyes and she lets it out once she feels safe enough. 

“I think.. I feel like I was underwater my whole life and I couldn’t breathe and then.. I could breathe finally like, really breathe, _really_ good and now.. I’m back under. I’m back where I was and I’m never going to breathe again.” She says as fresh tears spring to her eyes “Back to the start but there’s no end, I’m just stuck, forever.” She finishes with as she lets the sun dry her tears.

He hums at her now, and she opens her eyes and she knows no advice that he can give will help her unless she comes clean, so she rips it out and gives it to him without warning.

She starts and he gives her a puzzled look at the confusing statement she makes. She explains as much as she can, she explains why she did it, what she was thinking, the pressure she felt, she tells him about Kelley and Alex and she tells him about what it’s been like without Tobin and Kelley and how it’s been with Ali and Ashlyn and how overwhelmed with it all she is.

She gets it all out, she doesn’t leave anything out, not one single thing.

Just like the letter, but out loud. She says things she’s wanted to get out for years and he listens and absorbs and thinks.

She expects him to be disappointed, at least a little. 

He looks like he’s trying to add it all up and he definitely scolds her lightly over the idea in the beginning, but other than that she gets nothing but soft nods and no judgment. In this moment, with the sun shining on both of them and with how bright the reflection is from the pool, she believes her angel is listening too.

She believes she’s getting the same things from her as she is from him, she believes she’s talking to both of them, she’s confessing to both of them and when she’s done and all the tears have been shed, when she feels the sun shine just a little more for a second on her forehead, she knows it to be true. 

“Let me make you lunch.” He requests and she nods her head feeling lighter and calmer than she has since last weekend.

He does make her lunch, in the pretty kitchen she didn’t grow up in, her dad had moved into a smaller house by a private beach after she was accepted to school. It was hard for him to leave the old house behind, but he knew where he needed to be, close to the ocean.

The way Christen yearns for wide open green, he prefers endless blue, it’s where he finds peace.

He makes her a nice grilled sandwich and she’s happy for it, it feels like when she was little and tiny feet would sway off the counter as he’d make her laugh and her mom would lightly scold him for letting her on the counter and she’d laugh at the faces he’d make at being caught.

She’d laugh even harder when her mom mouthed _no dessert for him_ when he turned around. 

It’s comforting, all of it, all of the pictures, all of the children’s books he kept and put on his book shelf in the living room. He loves all of them and she loves him right back. She’s playing with the dogs on the floor, thinking about simpler times when he comes back and puts down a dusty box on the floor next to her. 

“What’s this?” She questions as she watches him go through it, blowing things off and looking for something specific, he seems to find what he’s looking for when a soft smile is brought to his face with a bite to his lip and she wonders where this is going. 

She’s a little nervous, knowing the Press lip bite is usually holding something big back.

“Now.. before I continue, I’d like to state that your mother is the one who read it and I-“ 

“Dad!” She yelps as she grabs the small yellow book from him as he puts his hands up after she takes it in _hopefully_ heartfelt surrender because this is humiliating.

She wrote in this journal all throughout middle school and most of high school, it has pages of feelings and the deepest thoughts in her head at the time, thoughts she never thought she would relive again considering she ignores the ones she even remembers.

The same method she has for locking good memories in a box, she does the same for ones she wants to hide from.

“Hold on now, I think it’s important you know she only told me about one page.” He informs her sheepishly and she blows out a breath because at least her mom gave her that. She mentally notes to scold the sky later on for this. 

“Which one?” She asks as she covers her face with her right hand and holds the book securely in her left, hoping she’ll remember the one. 

“Well, there was a time when you were going through some big teenage stuff and she was nervous so she read a few pages I presume.. we were worried about you, it was wrong, we promised to talk to you next time instead.” He says it so remorsefully that she huffs out her forgiveness because she can kind of understand, as she waits for him to continue. 

“She had told me what it was and I didn’t believe her, it seemed so unlike you and you had never mentioned her before and you didn’t.. I still thought you had liked boys only but.. she knew.” He says with a small smile and she laughs at that fondly because he did take her coming out very well.

She’s giggling until she realizes what he really just said and her eyes are wide in realization as he cautiously smiles at her. 

“Tobin.” She murmurs nostalgically and started to go through the book slowly. Years of her pining recorded in a book, she laughs at the find, of course he kept it for her, of course her mother knew. 

“I should have known she knew, she would wait for me in the car sometimes and purposely wait for Tobin to pass and pretend to check her mirrors.” She groans and it makes him laugh too, because that is absolutely the most _her_ thing she could do.

She remembers always purposely walking a little slower just in case Tobin would be waiting for her parents to pick her up, she’d wave to all her teammates and when Tobin waved to Christen, she would put her head down with a smile but she remembers how gitty she’d feel all the way until dinner.

She thinks about how symbolic those moments are now, how Tobin would put in a little effort and Christen would shut down at the slightest moment of attention from the girl that made her stomach feel twisted.

Just a look from her and Christen was a mess, she wanted to be right next to her and as far away as possible at the same time, an impossible mix. She thinks maybe that’s why she almost spectated in a way throughout their entire lives, she may have never been friends with Tobin, but she was always aware, she was aware of every breath she would take when she was by her in a huddle, she knew exactly where she was when she was around because she would purposely avoid that spot like it was the plague. 

She thinks it’s almost comical how deeply infatuated with her she was inside, and all it did outside was probably make Tobin feel like she had a disease. 

The time her dad is specifically talking about, she spots it right away, the date highlighted in angry red, the date Tobin kissed Shirley Cruz from the other team in front of everybody, she remembers being so angry and not even knowing why.

She remembers feeling fire when everyone else was gushing over the new story for the week. She didn’t want to eat dinner that night, she just wanted to do her puzzle and go to bed after she wrote about it. She remembers her mom giving her three kisses that night on her forehead, _I_ and _love_ and _you_. 

She thinks maybe there was a _you’ll_ and _be_ and _okay_ , in there too, now. 

She wonders what else her mother knew, she wonders if she knew before all of this, that woman knew absolutely everything. She wonders if she ever just wanted to push Christen gently towards the girl she longed for, but was too scared of a bad reaction that would make it even worse. She wonders if her parents went through something similar ever.

She thinks, probably not, normal rational human beings typically show if they want to be around each other.

She wonders what her angel thinks about the lengths Christen went to finally push herself towards Tobin now, but she pushes that thought away as quick as it comes. 

He leaves her with one last thing as he points knowingly to her with a grin happily on his face before he goes off to do the dishes. 

“Now, don’t you forget what your mother used to say about things like this.” 

It’s not that she forgot, it’s just that she didn’t unpack the box in her mind until he said it, but now that she’s been reminded, she remembers what her mom would say every time she was having a fuss, she remembers the saying sticking with her, basically ingrained in her mind every time something would happen to her.

She wonders when it stopped being something she would say to herself, she wonders if it left when the source did. She’s happy he brought it back for her.

She thinks of it now, and she can’t believe how intuitive the woman is, she can’t believe how her dad knew exactly when to remind her of it too, it fits her life and the situation perfect and she knows she’ll never forget it now.

_Every storm runs out of rain,_

_just like every dark night turns into day._

—

She’ll remember this weekend forever, the way the sun was, the sound of the waves, her dad's smile, the advice he gave, she’ll keep it all in her pocket for the rest of her days.

She texts Kelley a simple text, it just says thank you, and she doesn’t wait for a response because she knows Kelley will smile at it and put it away. 

“So Friday, you won’t mind if I bring a sign, will you?” 

“Dad, please don’t-“ 

“It’s a big year for you, I want pictures of you with my signs.” He pleads and she groans but of course he can bring his signs and take as many pictures as he wants, she nods for him and his smile is well worth it.

He demanded that he’d drive to bring her back instead of getting a taxi or calling Kelley, and she accepted it gratefully and when they get there and he hands her the bag he packed for her with some stuff from home, she rolls her eyes with a blinding smile that matches his own and he kisses her forehead goodbye, making her promise to visit more weekends. 

When she makes it inside, she feels so close to peace it almost feels like she’s dreaming.

She has the rest of today to relax and it all feels much better than it did. When she hangs her keys up, she sees Kelley’s and she wonders how she could have possibly missed her car in the lot, probably too focused on her dad. She thinks of all of the crazy scenarios that could have put them there, maybe she just forgot something and she’s getting it or maybe she’s just staying here until Christen got back. 

But when she walks into the hallway and sees Kelley’s bag open and half empty, she tries not to get her hopes up, she tries to tell herself maybe she’s just refilling for the other apartment. Then she sees her coming back into the hallway from her room and it’s clear as day to her. 

She’s unpacking. 

She came home. 

But she has to be sure, so she ignores every instinct she has to shut up and she blurts out what she can get out without crying, because she doesn’t feel like being dropped off in heaven just yet, and she has a feeling Kelley will be desperate enough to try.

“You’re home?” Christen squeaks out and the second Kelley looks at her, she knows.

She thinks she got to her so fast she may have flown and Kelley has her arms around her the same way they always go. Nothing’s changed, she still loves her the same. She whispers thank you into her neck as she swallows the tears down and Kelley puts a kiss into her hair.

She knows Kelley’s not ready to talk yet, if she was, she would let her know, so she accepts that, and she doesn’t pry.

She just holds on, she holds on for dear life for just another moment, she hasn’t felt the comfort of this in what feels like years.

She feels Kelley do the same, and it feels strong, it feels like forgiveness and love, and mostly, it feels _real_.

It feels like a lifetime of little boots kicking against each other under the table when her dad makes a joke, it feels like sleeping in a too small bed until they were far too old together during sleepovers, it feels like nights of laughter like nobody would ever believe and inside jokes that nobody would get. 

It’s Christen’s turtle shell. 

It’s her home away from home, the thing that will get her out of bed now. 

They spend the day mostly in their own rooms but Christen doesn’t mind, she doesn’t mind at all. Before it can get too late, she does a quick grocery run for the week since she hasn’t and when she goes to bed that night, she’s comforted with the fact that Kelley’s soft snores are not too far anymore. 

She also stored three boxes of chocolate toaster strudel in the freezer from her grocery run.

Just in case.

—

The week goes by without too much time to sit and wallow, and she’s thankful for it, needing the extra kick to keep going. Having Kelley home helps tremendously, she liked the temporary time with Julie and her sidekick cereal man, but having Kelley home is.. 

Julie would understand. 

There’s also the motivation to get through the week for their game Friday night.

She knows she’s excited to play again, having training early and practices now, it’s never anything like the real start of the season, opening day, it’s like nothing else.

She’d be lying if she said there wasn’t an extra incentive there, though.

She hasn’t seen Tobin since Friday morning of last week and she feels it everyday.

Tobin’s absence never goes unnoticed by Christen, she lives her regular life, she studies and she hangs out with her team and she even said hello to Ali this week and Kelley has slowly warmed up to her again, everything’s slowly but surely going back to normal and she’s continuing to live, but it doesn’t hurt any less. 

She still smells her in her sheets, she thinks if she paid a forensic scientist, they’d say there’s no trace of her anymore but she’d swear they’re wrong, she’s still there.

She sleeps on the side that Tobin slowly adopted, nose deep into the pillow and blankets wrapped around her snug, because that’s what it felt like to sleep next to her with no blanket at all.

She has two pairs of Tobin’s sweatpants and one of her favorite shirts and she wouldn’t admit it, she never leaves her room with them, but she wears at least one thing to bed every night.

Her entire being craves Tobin, she absolutely longs for Tobin and every cell, atom and molecule she’s made out of, and she doesn’t know how to stop it. 

So she’d be lying if she said being able to see her Friday night wasn’t an extra incentive. Just being able to have her eyes on her during the game, greedily taking her in for the months ahead without her, ready to hit her like a train.

“Pizza?” Kelley’s simple question extracts her from her thoughts. They got home from practice just about a half hour ago and she could definitely go for a midweek cheat.

“Yes, please. I can buy this one.” She smiles at her and Kelley snickered at that because the effort of putting Christen’s card number is far too much for her, always opting for cash, but Christen offered anyway. 

She laughs at her lazy friend she’s missed so much, just having her be in her corner of the couch brings her so much love inside she’s practically bubbling with it.

They wait for the pizza and laugh at their usual few shows they watch together and Christen feels overcome with emotion at the idea of it all, she thinks if you really asked her, maybe she always knew Kelley would be back here just like this, but she felt like she needed to feel that she wouldn’t, so she would feel the consequences of it all, a way to punish herself subconsciously. She thinks maybe that’s what she’s doing with Tobin.. 

Maybe-

“I stressed you too much before the season.” She looks at Kelley who blurted it out and muted the tv at some point when she got lost in her mind. She’s looking into space and Christen isn’t exactly sure what she meant but she’s piecing it together and waiting for the rest as she continues. 

“I put a lot of pressure on you to make this season perfect and I knew I shouldn’t have, I even tried to calm down for you I- I started doing those stupid relaxing breathing things.” She admits and Christen _knows_ that but she didn’t know it was for her and she feels sad at the knowledge, because she would have gladly stressed for her, she would take anything on for Kelley. She didn’t mean for any of this to happen, she didn’t mean for Kelley to be collateral damage in this.

She realizes Kelley is trying to take blame for Christen’s decision and she hates it, because she did it on her own but also because Kelley doesn’t know she did it for her own reasons too. 

“It wasn’t your fault.” Christen shakes her head gently but surely even though Kelley isn’t looking at her. 

“I knew you took everything on for everyone and I kept pushing you, I even pushed you at first when Ali brought it up before all of this.. to get the information and then-“ Christen cuts her off not being able to keep Kelley on this path anymore when the truth is she would have done it anyway. 

“I did it for myself, too.” She rushes it out and leaves it, she just leaves it there for Kelley to look into if she’d like or leave it where it is, whatever she prefers. Kelley is looking at her now when she looks back and she can tell she’s trying to figure it out, she’s trying to unpack the statement and Christen watches her unravel it with her own eyes. 

“You mean like.. for-” Kelley starts and Christen doesn’t need to hear the rest. 

“Yeah.” There's a pause here and it’s because it really doesn’t make all that much sense but Kelley looks like she’s finally found the correct multiple choice answer and she’s about to hand in her paper as she hums to herself in thought.

They stay in silence for a few more moments and Christen expects the pizza guy to be here before they talk again when Kelley continues on a path she didn’t think she would. 

“Sheesh, have you ever heard of asking for a girls number?” 

Christen lightly tenses at first until she looks at Kelley who has her eyebrows comically raised and Christen loses it, she’s laughing so hard she thinks she may even pee herself right here.

She laughs because, while the question is ridiculous it is a valid point and she knows it, she makes fun of herself in her own head everyday for it. Kelley laughs with her and when a tear rolls down Christen’s face she isn’t sure if it’s happy or sad when she stops laughing and Kelley gives her a sad smile. 

“Does she know that?” Kelley starts this part of it now too, and Christen has exhausted every conversation about Tobin in her head so she interrupts this one too. She also just doesn’t want Kelley to waste her breath. 

“It’s complicated, she doesn’t exactly know but she knows.. the most important part of it. She didn't hear the rest.. I think it’s- it’s not.. it’s just too broken.” Christen stumbles over it and Kelley is looking at her sadly at the information and thankfully this is when the pizza finally gets here and Christen is relieved with it.

There’s things they need to talk about and she knows Kelley will bring up what she’s ready for at her own pace, she’s glad she got through the first phase, it’s all she can hope for. While they’re eating Christen isn’t sure if it’s the right time but she doesn’t care, Kelley needs to know. 

“I’m so sorry, for all of it.” Christen squeaks out and Kelley seems to accept it as she pauses at the words but continues to eat and gives her one nod. 

“Me too.” Kelley mumbles and Christen shakes her head at this ready to argue with it but when she looks at Kelley’s face she knows there’s no point. She feels like she has things to be sorry for and Christen will let her make peace with them, but it all means one thing to her.

They’re okay. 

When it’s much later and there’s an air of comfortable silence between them, Christen doesn’t dare disturb it, just basking in the comfort of it. She can’t help a happy sleepy sigh from breaking out when she’s almost falling asleep to Kelley comfortably in her usual spot, but before she can fall deep into her slumber, Kelley breaks the silence. 

“I know you didn’t mean it..” she whispers into the space between them, and she’s looking at Christen just as sleepy with half lidded eyes and Christen just listens on carefully awake. 

“I know you would have told me if you knew she was using me, I don’t get the whole thing still but.. I know.” Kelley finishes as she looks to the ceiling and Christen can see the same hurt in her eyes that have been in her own for quite some time now. She usually wouldn’t ask, too scared of pushing, but she figures if she words it light enough, Kelley can make a choice.

If she’s honest, really honest, she’s more scared of the answer than anything, the thought of Kelley’s heart breaking would rip Christen apart like it was her own. 

“She told you she was using you?” Christen whispers so softly that it’s possible Kelley may not even have heard all of the words, but she figures that’s exactly how she wanted it.

It takes a few seconds, but Kelley eventually looks to her with a childlike look of being abandoned and bites her lip as she nods yes one painful time.

Christen feels a burning sensation throughout her body, probably a subconscious way to fight the pain she feels from seeing Kelley like this. She knows it’s exactly why she feels brave enough to say what’s about to be said. 

Christen shouldnt say it, because she doesn’t know, but she can’t not say it when it’s what she truly believes. Hope is a dangerous thing and she knows it, but she also knows exactly what she would have done for Kelley if the roles were reversed.

She could be wrong, but the love she saw in Alex’s eyes and the desperate need she had for Tobin and Kelley to bond the way Christen needed them too, she could be wrong but she’s sure she’s not. So she says it. 

“I don’t think she meant it.” Christen says it like she knows it in her heart to her as she leans deeper into the couch and turns her head more to Kelley. Kelley looks at her just how she knew she would, like it’s wishful thinking, but it’s not.

“I think she felt so angry with me for what I did to Tobin, that she took it out on you in the moment.” She lets it out so sadly that she thinks if Kelley was going to scoff at it, she won’t now that she knows how much Christen believes it. 

Kelley just looks at her with tired eyes that look like her own, and Christen gives her a sad smile. She’s trying to communicate that she would do it for Kelley too, if she was the friend. She thinks Kelley already understands that, as she looks like she’s figuring something out on her own little planet.

It would be immensely painful to Christen if she knew she solely tore them apart, she imagines if they were soulmates and she ruined _that_ pair too. 

It’s an upsetting thought she tries not to let cross her mind, but sometimes she thinks that Tobin was written in her destiny and she somehow ruined it.

She thinks about the possibility of whoever is up there being incredibly angry with her for ruining something so delicate and beautiful, she thinks she’ll be punished for it for the rest of her life. 

She thinks Kelley is part of her destiny too, and after everything she’s learned, she will never jeopardize this part of her life again. Kelley is a piece of her that she can’t explain, she doesn’t need her to survive but she’s been there through it all, she’s a light in Christen’s life she can’t fathom being without. 

If she thinks of her life as a dark tunnel she’s walking through to get to the end where there’s a bright light where her angel is waiting, she thinks of everything else being a light, leading her there. 

She burned Tobin’s, she knows that, and that spot will always be pitch black, she’ll look back at it for the rest of her time and wish she never burnt it out, but she thinks there’s things ahead of her that she now knows how to keep lit better. 

Christen might be something that Tobin tries to never look back on, but for Christen, it’s different. 

For Christen, she may have had very little time and it may have happened horribly wrong because of the choices she made, but she’s still thankful for every second they spent together.

She’ll carry Tobin and all the little things she knows about her with her for the rest of her days, she’ll carry her touches and her kisses and her words everywhere she goes. She thinks she’ll see her in places they’ve never even been. 

Tobin will have a spot in the most tender place of Christen’s heart until it stops beating.

It’s the last thought she has before she falls asleep. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> C’s development is very important to me, she learns with every sunrise. 
> 
> Hang in there, almost.


	18. Hurricane.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Strong winds blow the right way.

Friday.

She can’t quite stop her heart from feeling a little bit of relief at finally being able to see Tobin after a long week without her.

It’s been exactly a week now since she’s seen her, she knows after this, the time will be much longer than that, but it doesn’t stop her from feeling absolutely starved of her.

She knows exactly what to expect from Tobin today, she expects _exactly_ what she told her already, they’re going back to the way it’s always been before. Tobin won’t even look her way, there’s no chance unless she has possession of the ball.

She knows how it’ll go, and Christen won’t bother her, she won’t try to speak to her because she said she wouldn’t, she owes her that.

She knows she’ll take advantage of the time Tobin isn’t looking at her though, she knows she’ll hungrily take in every inch of her face today, the one she’s been craving all week. 

She just hopes Tobin doesn’t mind catching her once or twice, at least, because she can’t help that.

Maybe she’ll try to.

For her.

They’re in the locker room getting ready to warm up and Christen still hasn’t unpacked her bag, letting the anxiety of everything really overtake her in the moment.

She has a job to do today, a duty to her future self and her team as soon as she steps out there. She looks around and everyone, as usual, is mixed in their pre game rituals. 

She stops and breathes in the air and closes her eyes, and she means it more now than she ever has before as she promises herself that the second she puts on the uniform, it all fades away.

She lets it all go.

She has a role, and she will play it. 

This is where she goes from just Christen, to Clifford’s star forward and captain Christen Press.

She just has one more thing to do. 

—

“I’m sorry.” 

Christen knows this has to happen at some point, they’ll have an emotional conversation at some point, she’s sure, but for right now it needs to be resolved quickly before they step foot out there.

She’s standing in front of Ali who is fixing her shin guards and when she looks up to see Christen, she seems almost frozen in shock, she didn’t expect Christen to apologize and When she sees guilt swimming in Ali’s eyes, she figures maybe because she thinks she doesn’t deserve an apology, but she’d be wrong. So she lets her know that too.

“I shouldn’t have lashed out like that, it’s not your fault that I offered myself t-“ 

“I’ve been a terrible friend to you.” Ali interrupts her and the tears are unexpected to Christen and it softens her entirely, she knows Ali has felt guilty but it’s not like she forced her into it.

“I guilted you into it, I practically forced you and then I avoided you because I couldn’t bear it all and then when I went to fix it.. it felt too deep, you were so deep I didn’t-“ She’s almost hysterical now and Christen has no idea how to calm her as she watches her finish and sits next to her with a soothing rub down her back and turning them to face the lockers more for privacy.

“I felt so guilty when I realized how deep you were with her and I had known, Christen, I knew you liked her and I still let you do it.” When Ali finishes the last part Christen isn’t shocked, she isn’t shocked at all because subconsciously she’s always known Ali knew there was something there, when they were younger and she’d talk about Tobin, she could see it in Ali’s eyes when Christen would avoid the topic or poorly conceal her inner panic.

She knows exactly why Ali didn’t want her to do it in the beginning, what she meant when she mentioned _her feelings_ the day she told her she wanted to do it. 

“You tried to stop me, it’s not your fault.” Christen whispers honestly and Ali scoffs clearly not believing the statement. 

“I panicked, Chrissy, I panicked and I told Ash because I thought she’d give me the answer, I needed an answer and- I had no idea she was going to feel like it was her fault and tell Alex.” Ali turns to her and looks her deeply in her eyes for the next part and Christen is just taking it all in. “I didn’t know, Christen, if I knew she was going to tell her, I would have held it all in, I promise you. I even left her over it, we-“ she cuts herself off here and more tears fall but she seems determined to finish.

“I’ll never forgive her for that.” She finishes strongly and out of everything Christen has heard, that’s the worst part for her.

Ashlyn isn’t at fault for this, she may have blamed her in the middle of her most angry stage of grief but Ashlyn felt responsible because Ali was never able to explain to her that she wasn’t the big reason, because Ali didn’t even know that.

For Ashlyn, it was a more noble reaction, the way she went to Alex even if she was drunk was perfectly human and understandable. Ali is caught up in the anger of losing Christen over it and she laughs softly at the whole thing because Ali has so much to learn in so little time, and also because Christen will never give up on her. 

“I promise you, I will explain this all to you better when I can but for now, you need to know I don’t blame her and neither should you. You didn’t lose me over this, and you won’t lose her either because if anything she has just proved that she is noble and loyal, and honest. Ali she loves you, she wanted to stop this for you, for all of us. You know that in here.” Christen finishes with her index finger gently on Ali’s heart and Ali looks up at her puzzled with the whole thing and eventually a small nod.

_She’s got her friend back._

“I love you.” Christen tells her with a smile and Ali is hugging her tightly on this little bench in their locker room before the first game of their last college season in tears. Ali whispers it back into her ear and Christen squeezes her and when she pulls back to get up, she leaves her with a pat to the head before she shouts over the music for everyone to listen as she stands in the middle of the almost silent locker room.

“I know there’s.. things going on that everyone has heard, or maybe not, I don’t know but I know one thing, this is our year. We play as a team, together, win or lose, we play for each other.” She makes sure to look at Ashlyn with a smile that she hopes conveys everything she’s saying before she continues.

Everyone is smiling at each other and it feels like something finally cracked. 

“Kel.” She says softly to her and she hopes Kelley understands what she’s asking for, and when she sees Kelley’s full grin, she knows she does. Kelley starts all of their favorite chants and she chest bumps and high fives everyone to get them amped up and by the time she’s done, every single one of them look like they’ve done a line of coke and Christen laughs at it all, because Kelley does her job perfectly. 

When she sees Ali give a quiet Ashlyn a shy smile, she knows. 

She’s ready now.

—

The first step onto the pitch almost feels like a dream, it’s an out of body experience for her to be here, there’s pressure and there’s losses and there’s the reality of her life off pitch but here, she’s another person. 

After Mason has gone through everything he needs and he reminds her of the tapes, she starts to jog off to warm up with the others. She spots her dad who she didn’t have time to see earlier and she’s so happy he’s made it, she’s not as excited for the obnoxious sized sign but, she’s still happy nonetheless. 

_When did he start using glitter?_

She shakes her thoughts off and starts the stretch line as she runs between the cones and everything feels almost normal, it all feels like she’s back to her regular life and nothing has changed. Almost, because she’s watching the opposing huddle and she’s trying to see if she can find Tobin in it, but there’s too many of them in one spot to see. She’s eager, she knows it, and she’s focused, she really is it’s just, she just wants to see her maybe just once and then she’ll be okay. 

She takes a break from looking and when they’re all ready to start in their lines, she knows she has to see her face to face now to start and when she does, she wishes she didn’t. 

Tobin looks like she already played the game without them, she looks so tired. Christen just wants to shut everything down and let her take a nap right there, as if that’s even a thing that could happen. She looks so tired she’s not even angry, but she won’t make eye contact, and it rips Christen to pieces, she aches to reach out for her, to bring her to bed and have her sleep on her chest as she rubs her sleepy back.

 _Focus_.

Right before the whistle blows, she looks at her dad and she sees a soft understanding smile and it calms her nerves, and when he points to the quiet sky above them, she feels her too, in the air around her, in the soft breeze pushing her to keep going.

_She wouldn’t miss it._

Everything else fades away.

—

The game is even for the most part, they have equal possession and they’re playing well tonight, they’re playing as a unit and she feels confident in it all.

Mason _did_ start Ashlyn, and it only makes sense to her because she trained her ass off and she earned it. She doesn’t find Tobin’s eyes once, not even when she has the time, she decides its best to focus on the game and also, she would only find an image of something she doesn’t want to remember anyway. She wants to remember Tobin the way she had her, she goes back to the mental picture of Tobin’s naked back, small red marks from her love making and sweaty from her effort.

When she looks up and finds Tobin once, just to check, she regrets it immediately when she sees eyes that used to be honey sweet for her.

The person she loves most in this world looks like she doesn’t even remember Christen, and she can’t see anything through the blur of her eyes as she spots Alex go past her like she wasn’t even there.

Honestly, she wasn’t.

She doesn’t score, and she’s thankful for not being at fault for their loss if it happens because she won’t let this happen again, but she hears the feedback from her teammates and her bench, she definitely sees the steam off her coach. 

“What the hell was that?” Kelley whispers as she jogs past her and when Christen looks up to apologize she sees Kelley soften at her red tear dried cheeks and she sees Kelley look for the culprit. 

“You’re okay.” Kelley mouths as she runs back to her position and Christen chants it to herself a hundred times, and when Julie spots her further up, she gives her a soft smile with a nod and Christen knows she can do this.

_She’s okay, she’s okay, she’s okay._

Halftime goes by far too quick, but she feels way more put together and with a quick few words and pats from her teammates, she feels back to normal, it feels okay.

Except, she forgot she may not be covering Tobin, but Kelley _is_ and she is being entirely too rough, maybe it’s the fact that she has to see Alex tonight and it’s all weighing on her causing a small fire inside, she isn’t sure, she hasn’t noticed anything outside of Tobin if she’s honest.

Maybe Kelley blames Tobin now instead for the lack of Alex in her life, she notes to ask about it later.

She’s had to look over a few times now, Kelley not giving her a choice with how physical she’s being with Tobin and Tobin is giving it right back. There’s elbows and shoves and she even sees Kelley push her chest into Tobin far too hard and Tobin turns around immediately.

Tobin looks absolutely boiling in anger and her teammates are stepping in as Christen watches from afar frozen. Tobin looks like she said something mildly threatening because Kelley is laughing with an entirely too aggressive head nod as she moves past her with a wave of her hand. 

When the whistle blows next, Tobin is immediately signaling for the ball and moving with a plow truck mentality for anyone who’s in her way and she gets a couple kicks on goal that way, Ashlyn stops them all but not without taking a relieved breath after each one.

In the last last ten minutes, Kelley is the unfortunate pile of snow in the way of the Tobin plow, and she thinks she’s never seen a human being body another one so hard.

When Kelley hits the floor, she’s right back up quicker than the yellow card is out against Tobin. 

“She’s been hitting me this entire half!” Tobin screams back in sheer frustration and when the ref separates them properly and waves Tobin off, she loses it. 

The ball is so high in the air that it takes what feels like a full minute to reach the pitch again and the red card is only out as Tobin is already almost off with all of her gear being thrown and Christen has never seen a tantrum like it before, especially not from Tobin.

When she looks at Kelley, she feels a mix of anger and protectiveness, she isn’t sure what to do in this situation. She sees a look of guilt and regret cross Kelley’s face, and it makes her feel just a little better that she doesn’t have to scold her herself. 

She aches to comfort Tobin, she wants to leave the game herself with her but she can’t, and also Tobin just wouldn’t want her to. It’s a big scene, she knows there’s phones out, and cameras, and articles that will be written. She’s not happy, she’s not happy at all. 

In the end, Tobin isn’t there anymore, she left. 

She imagines the goal Alex scores is for Tobin, and that makes it hurt a little less when they lose. 

0-1 is the opening game to the Clifford season. 

It makes sense, she thinks.

  
  


—

She looks for her, she does. 

She skips her shower, she packs her bag in a rush, and she looks for her, but she’s long gone. She wants to text her, wants to make sure she’s okay, wants to comfort her and bring her down but she can’t.

She’ll only make it worse, and that’s what stops her. She blows out a heavy breath and finds her dad and he saves her the stress of answering questions she can’t answer anyway, and he hugs her until she’s breathing normal again, and she’s thankful for it all.

“You played so good, P.” He whispers to her and she smiles into his chest because she messed up a few times, but he’ll always find the good in her. When she’s about to pull out of the hug he holds on just a little tighter and she melts right into it.

When he leaves, she slowly gets to her car and takes a minute to ask whoever is listening to just help Tobin tonight, she’ll take a hard night in return, just to have her sleep peacefully tonight. 

It’s all she wants. 

When she makes it home, Kelley isn’t there and it makes sense, Christen left long before everyone else, so she shoots her a text to let her know she’s home and she takes a shower. When she lays down to go to sleep, the anxiety of not knowing how Tobin is floods through her body like a tsunami and it has her suddenly almost lose her breath at the thought that she has no idea how to figure it out. 

She’s up before she can even realize what she’s doing or where she’s going and she’s got her keys in her hand as she shoves on a pair of Kelley’s slides by the door.

She’s down the stairs and out the door and she’s thinking intensely and not thinking at all at the same time, until she almost hits Kelley at full speed as she’s coming up the walkway. 

“Woah, where are you going speedy?” Kelley wonders as she helps Christen regain her full balance. Christen can’t think of an answer, considering she doesn’t really know where, but she does know why.

“I need to find her, she- I know it’s probably not a good idea but I can’t sleep and I need to know she’s okay.” Christen stammers out honestly and she knows she may be scolded by Kelley, she knows it’s not the smartest thing if she’s the gasoline to Tobin’s fire right now, but it’s an instinct that she can’t fight. 

Kelley, to her shock, doesn’t look like she’s going to scold her at all and gives her a sad smile and keeps holding onto Christen, signaling that she shouldn’t leave yet. 

“She’s okay.” Kelley mumbles and Christen shakes her head in confusion to push Kelley to further explain as she waits, but Kelley is pulling her away with an arm around her lower back, leading her back to the apartment.

Christen isn’t having it though, as she refuses to move another step until she understands. Kelley sighs and takes a moment to look around to figure out an answer as Christen stands there as patiently as possible. 

“That’s where I came from, I went to apologize or whatever.” Kelley shrugs as she forces the answer out in the fastest sentence Christen has ever heard. Christen gives her a confused look but tries to focus on the point, Kelley is saying Tobin is okay.

She wants to ask where she is, wants to go there and be with her, maybe just watch over her for a second to make sure with her own eyes, but she knows it’s not the right thing to do. Kelley is giving her a blessing she prayed for just a couple of minutes ago and she should take it and appreciate it, so she will. 

“She’s okay?” Christen whispers looking into Kelley’s honest eyes as she nods her head at her to confirm.

“Promise.” Kelley assures as she puts her right arm out for Christen to walk into, and Christen does just that as she snuggles into her side as they walk back together.

Kelley made sure she was okay, she trusts Kelley, Kelley wouldn’t lie to her. 

_Tobin’s okay._

When they get inside, Christen makes herself a bed for the night on their couch, knowing it’ll be easier to sleep with the night chill their windows allow out here as she stares out to the night sky lit up by a soft moon tonight. To her surprise, Kelley holds her back before she gets into her spot and sits before her, signaling to lay the way they always used to on tough nights like this. 

She lets out a relieved breath that could easily turn into happy tears if she let it, but chooses not to for Kelley’s sake as she lays in her spot with her head in Kelley’s lap, facing the moonlight through their open windows where the night breeze is calming her entirely. She thinks Kelley may have even fallen asleep by the time she finally speaks up softly.

“Why didn’t you ever tell me?” She whispers into the dark. Christen doesn’t know how to truly answer, because there’s so many reasons why she didn’t tell her about it but they all seem so small now, like everything else in her life when Tobin is involved.

“I think because I knew you’d talk me out of it.. I knew it was a stupid thing to do.” Christen whispers back as honestly as she can but she can feel Kelley shaking just barely and Christen wonders what Kelley was expecting the answer to be. 

“I’m not talking about the plan.” Kelley declares and Christen moves her head back so she can look up at her through the dark to understand better but before she can ask, she’s staring at the ceiling frozen in realization of what Kelley is really asking. 

For the first time in Christen’s life, she’s trusting the universe with the information it’s never heard uttered before as she answers Kelley with the honesty she should have always spoken. 

“You didn’t like her.” Christen mumbles as she turns into Kelley’s hoodie for comfort and maybe also to hide any stray tears that fall. Kelley clicks her tongue at the statement as Christen feels a soft laugh rumble through her body.

“But _you_ did.” Kelley counters through a smile, she can hear it in the whisper. She doesn’t wonder how Kelley is piecing all of this together, she just knows it should have happened years ago but Christen was too scared, but she isn’t now.

Not anymore. If she’s learned anything this year, it’s that keeping everyone in the dark all these years has done no good.

“I kept a journal back then, all those years, I have all these words that I held back from everyone that I could have said. All these words about her and about the things that- that I wanted, and stuff.” She finishes weaker than how she started but she figures it makes sense with the topic, and when she feels Kelley’s grip get just a touch tighter, she feels the support to go on. 

“I thought it was a dumb kid thing, and then it kept going.. it went all the way to high school and then we graduated and it kept- I didn’t even see her anymore but every time I did I felt it, I couldn’t get rid of it, I don’t know how to get rid of it.” She can’t hide her crying now as the last statement brings her into a panic because she doesn’t know how to get past this, she doesn’t know how to not feel it.

She thinks she may be stuck like this for the rest of her life while Tobin moves on to other people and bigger things and Christen only had such a short amount of time with her.

Kelley holds her through it all, she’s weeping and she has a feeling tomorrow she’ll wake up at her dad's house again from a traumatized Kelley. Except, it feels like the only other time Kelley has held her strongly like this while she was crying, when it feels like Kelley would take on the world for her in these moments, it doesn’t feel like she’s a burden at all. 

She thinks maybe she never was a burden to begin with and that it was in her head. Maybe it was the guilt that Christen typically takes on, maybe these moments of raw honesty is what she’s been missing. 

Maybe somewhere down the line she forgot something wildly important, 

_Kelley just wants her to be happy._

  
  
  
—

The weekend is spent falling back into a routine with Kelley and her teammates, they hangout on Sunday night at Julie’s and Crystal’s and eat dinner together with their closest friends.

The pain of losing Tobin always sits with her as heavy as the night it happened, she’s learned she may not be able to stop it but she can learn to adjust her life around it.

She thanks Julie and when she sees Zack, she hugs him with a strength she’s never used before and when he pulls back to laugh with his big white smile, she knows he heard all the thankful things she thought. 

Monday is spent watching film from their loss and correcting things as best they can as they fix their chemistry on the pitch. She’s finally joking with Ali again and she even smiles at Ashlyn a few times and when she sees the two of them leave practice together Wednesday, Kelley is watching with her as she nudges her shoulder in a silent I told you so. 

If she’s honest, truly honest, she knew they’d get through anything.

Christen and Kelley have talked a lot since, almost exhausting all the topics they’ve never talked about before. Christen apologized with her eyes the entire conversation and Kelley softly smiled at her in forgiveness. Her favorite thing she learned was when she asked Kelley what made her come home. Kelley lets her know it was the night she brought her to her dads house. 

“He hit me with one of your mom’s quotes.” Kelley sighed dramatically as Christen gave her the biggest smile she’s had in weeks. 

_He does that._

When it comes down to Friday, they have another game and it goes much better than their first. The chemistry they have formed in just a week is almost unbelievable compared to how bad it was before. They leave with 3 goals and a win and the entire bus is filled with joy.

When it gets down to the weekend, Christen chooses to surprise her dad with a visit.

They spend all Saturday afternoon together and she falls asleep that night after spending what felt like hours talking to the night sky of her dad's backyard as she felt the cool air hug around her, she says everything she’s always been scared to say to the sun and eventually into the moon in the quiet moments she spends looking to the sky. 

She trusts both parts of the day now.

Sunday morning she wakes up to her dad coming home from what she assumes was church, something he does a little less than he used to, probably finding whatever he needs in the ocean now.

When he does go, she knows he goes to the one her mom had them go to, back where they used to live and she smiles at the memory of it all.

Her mother used to smuggle her own paper quotes into the benches in front of them and she wishes he would have woken her up, she would have gone too, sometimes finding one of the crumpled up papers that was never found and keeping it for herself.

Saying goodbye to him is a little easier now, knowing she’s trying her best to visit more, she also makes a promise to him this time to call him even when she can’t visit, and she sees some of the worry in his eyes dissipate. When she gets back Sunday night, she’s greeted by Kelley’s open arms and a lot of screaming in her ear and she wouldn’t have it any other way. 

She thinks this week might be better than the last.

When she prays, she asks for one last thing, 

For Tobin to be happy. 

  
—

  
  
It’s the Saturday of the following week that she feels it. 

Their game Friday went fantastic but it didn’t leave Christen without tired limbs and sleepy eyes. 

She makes the decision as she’s laying in bed, staring at the journal that is practically on fire on her desk, begging for her attention. She’s made a promise to herself and even Tobin, that she wouldn’t bother her and she plans to stay true to that. She doesn’t know why she didn’t think of it before but it seems so obvious now. 

There’s one last thing that she has to do. 

It’s a perfect afternoon, the sun is getting ready to go down for the night soon and there’s a perfect breeze that hits her skin just right. It feels like a hug, she thinks. When she gets there, she’s the only one, as expected.

The water is calm and the memories wash over her that she made here with the girl she dreamed about. She thinks even if it was short, she’s lucky she lived it, no matter the form. 

She thinks of nights spent in the safety of warm arms under a moonlit sky and she thinks of sunsets and friends. She thinks of how Tobin taught her to love the night, the way she never has before. She thinks of making love to her in rose petals here, she thinks of first dates and lasts. 

She thinks this is where she’s meant to let it be known, even if Tobin is never to return to her, she deserves to know the truth.   
  
Tobin deserves to go to sleep every night knowing Christen has always loved her. 

She kisses the bright yellow journal that she spent years hiding things so effectively she thinks she even hid it from herself once it was closed. She places it in the very spot Tobin held her for so many hours added together in the short grass close to the water. This is where the universe decides if it gets to Tobin, and she knows it will, and then Tobin decides if she’d like to read it. This is where she lets it go, if it flies away or drowns in the water, she tells herself it’s all the same. 

She breathes in the air of one of her favorite places in the world, and she leaves the universe to it. 

—

It’s daunting to do but she calls her dad that night, she tells him about what she did and why she did it that way, he hums and she knows he understands. It doesn’t seem so daunting after that. 

She debates it, but she knows things have to be different now, she knows what she needs to feel at true peace and that’s what pushes it out. She stands in front of Kelley’s tv show and Kelley is staring at her with her eyebrows raised completely frozen waiting for what Christen has to say, but nothing comes out for a minute. It’s almost a standoff and Kelley isn’t going to break it, and when that becomes clear, that’s when Christen says it. 

“The journal is gone.” She blurts out, and she doesn’t mean to leave it there but she doesn’t know how to put any other words together at the moment, overcome with emotion and nerves. Kelley’s face becomes a little less confused and a little more alarmed and sits up closer to the edge of where she’s sitting on the couch. 

“Did someone.. steal it?” She questions slowly and Christen shakes her head. 

“I put it by the lake.” 

There’s a long pause here and Kelley is making the same face she makes when she’s trying to figure out how to time cooking the chicken with the side dishes before she gives up and asks Christen. She thinks she’s going to do the same thing here, ask Christen for more information but the questions never come. 

“Okay, do you want to watch chopped?” Kelley reads the situation and Christen perfectly and she should have known she would all along. 

She thinks she’ll never doubt it again.   
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The journal!! let’s hope it doesn’t rain on this attempt. 
> 
> See you tomorrow.. Tobin Tuesday and all that.


	19. Warm Front.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boundary between two air masses, one cool and the other warm, moving so that the warmer air replaces the cooler air.

It’s a tough game, a really tough game.

After playing Friday, only having one day to recover is tough, but they manage their late Sunday game. They get the win, just barely, and without Ashlyn they think they probably wouldn’t even be here at all. 

Christen makes sure to let her know that when she quickly hugs her at the end of the game. Her dad made it and she hears him over everyone watching and she laughs right into the sky when it’s all over. Now she’s alone on her favorite pitch with nothing but the lights remaining that just turned on towards the end of the game as the sun finally left.   
  
It’s the perfect temperature tonight, if anything she just wishes the lights were off so she could appreciate the night sky soon. 

She knows Kelley will be here after her shower to bring her home, so she enjoys the moment she’s enjoyed her whole life alone on the pitch after a game, except this time the only thing that changes is her position.

Tonight, she lays in the center circle. 

She feels a sense of peace tonight as she stares into the sky, maybe a freedom she’s never had before and there’s still excruciating pain that comes with the thought of _her_ , but she tries to remember the moments that were gifted to her instead of the ones she ruined for them. 

She’s decided she does believe in soulmates, mostly because nothing else makes sense to her. She isn’t definite on how it all works, she doesn’t know if everyone gets one, or what it all means if you don’t end up together, but she’s sure of one thing.   
  
Tobin is her soulmate. 

She thinks maybe sometimes everything doesn’t align for whatever reason, and maybe a lot of soulmates don’t even ever get to meet, so she feels lucky tonight.

Christen has had Tobin her entire life in a way, she’s been able to watch her grow, and live, and just be. She’s felt her warmth, she’s breathed her breaths, she’s been able to make love and say love and just _love_. 

She thinks she’s lucky, she thinks of how all of their touches and kisses and moments will be carried throughout her entire life, and she remembers every single thing. Every single place Tobin has touched her she can feel on her skin, no matter how many showers she takes, no matter how much rain has soaked her to the bone, they remain right where she left them. 

She’s thankful.

She’ll always love her. 

She’s lucky to do so. 

She’s standing up and preparing to leave, figuring she should get off the field to get ready and she stands and takes one more breath from the moonlit sky with her eyes closed. She thinks tonight It feels like she’s saying one last I’m sorry instead of goodnight. 

“Hi.” 

Christen thinks she almost snaps her neck at the soft broken voice. Her instinct is to savor it, to bathe in it as her eyes remained closed, having not heard it like this in forever, but she thinks her body craved to see her so badly, it went against everything else. She doesn’t respond, because she’s still trying to figure out if she’s in a post game nap or if she was hit in the head today. 

Tobin looks _heavenly_ and Christen is in awe until she notices that Tobin’s eyes are uncharacteristically wet and red and her cheeks are matching.

She feels a pain deep in her heart that aches to take it away as tears rush to her own but the bright yellow book in her hands tells her it’s okay.

_She found it._

She must’ve gone to watch the sunset there tonight, she looks as comfy as ever in her favorite sleeping joggers and her eyes are droopy and Christen wonders what brought her there if she’s that tired as she lightly scolds her mentally.

She wonders if the universe really did choose for her. 

For _them_. 

The thought brings more tears to her eyes as she waits for Tobin, like she always would.

She’s trying to focus as much as she can on Tobin, but her eyes are such a blur that she’s struggling to clear them fast enough each time. 

“The days I got to wave to you were better than any kiss I ever had, Chris.” Tobin is letting it out with tears running down her pretty red cheeks and parts of it are mumbled through sobs, but Christen hears every word like they’re shouted into her ear.

She can’t believe what’s happening and she tries to stay put, she tries to give her time and she tries to be patient because she’s sure there’s more she wants to say, but her body can’t sit there and _not_ comfort her when she’s like this. 

It feels like a dream, to have Tobin here, to have her like this, she can’t waste a single second of it.

She’s closing the distance before she even realizes and the second she has her arms around Tobin’s neck, she feels Tobin latch on like she’s never felt before and she registers the sound of the journal dropping, but she doesn’t think she could move an inch, even if she wanted to.

She’s got her nose in Tobin’s neck as fast as she can, greedily taking in the scent of the warm skin she’s missed, every last bit she can get from her nose to her heart.

Tobin read the journal, she read the parts of Christen’s life and her mind that she’s hid so well even from herself.

Tobin knows so much now, she read absolute proof that Christen has been utterly infatuated with her for years, she has pages and pages of nothing but yearning for her, and she came back to her.

Tobin came back to her. 

She doesn’t want to think about it the way she is, but she’s trying to feel and smell and see everything she can, just in case Tobin is just coming to give her her journal back, she’s trying to remember every little thing, every shaky inhale and exhale, every feel of her fingertips gripping Tobin’s skin. 

Just in case. 

Tobin’s grip loosens slightly and she pulls back to bring their foreheads together as they both don’t care about their crying states, and she’s got her eyes closed but Christen won’t close hers now.

Not when she’s this close, not when she can watch every moment of this and memorize it, she loves Tobin’s eyelashes, loves her eyelids and her eyebrows, she loves everything about Tobin, she’s filling a box with pictures of her in her mind now. 

“Except for yours.. not yours, every kiss but yours.” Tobin stumbles out in sleepy tears and Christen watches every movement she can as she brings her fingers through the hairs at her nape and slowly creates soothing patterns there, knowing it calms her. She nods her head softly against Tobin’s forehead, so she knows she’s listening and understanding but she’s so overwhelmed with taking Tobin in, she doesn’t remember how to speak. 

She just knows one thing. 

“I love you.” Christen cries out and Tobin opens her glistening honey eyes at that and has her hands on Christen’s jaw, swiping at the tears immediately, she thinks that’s Tobin’s instinct now. Tobin is grinning at her and it’s the best thing Christen has ever seen, it’s the closest thing she thinks the world will ever have of proof of something bigger than them. 

Christen knows she’s probably about to respond but Christen can’t help but continue, as if she’ll never have another chance. 

“I think a part of me always loved you somehow, I don’t know if I was meant for you.. I don’t know how this works but I know I was put here to love you, it doesn’t go away, it never goes away, nothing else makes sense.” She shakes her head and closes her eyes to word it better but before she has the chance, Tobin is kissing her quiet.

It’s salty and it’s wet and Christen has never felt like she belonged somewhere so much in her life. 

She can’t find the words to describe how much she’s missed this, how she thought she’d never have this again, how panicked she felt that she couldn’t remember the exact last kiss they ever shared. 

There’s a lot of uncertainty in the world, there’s a lot of things that she doesn’t know and will never know but one thing she wouldn’t trade for knowing anything else, is the knowledge of what _this_ is like. 

Nobody else will ever know what it’s like to kiss Tobin like this, because nobody will ever love her the way Christen does, nobody will ever understand the ecstasy she feels from the taste of Tobin’s lips at any time of the day. 

It wouldn’t matter if Tobin only allowed her one chaste kiss a year, she would savor it and wait for the next one and never need to kiss another pair of lips in her lifetime.

She’s taking as much as Tobin will give her and even when she can’t breathe, she keeps going and waits for Tobin to pull away and when Tobin finally does, she takes in some needed air and before Tobin can even get a full breath in, she’s answering Christen’s prayers. 

“I love you.” Tobin breathes out as Christen breaks at the new words spoken from her favorite lips, and if not for Tobin keeping her up, she’d be a pile on the floor. 

“Chris, I am so helplessly in love with you.” She whispers out to her and Christen nods against her forehead through her small sobs trying to grasp it all.

She hears it in her voice, the promise of it all, she thinks Tobin could have said anything, and she still would have heard _that_.

They stay like that under the lights in the center of the pitch for what could be days, she isn’t sure, but she may fall asleep right here. She doesn’t care about class tomorrow, doesn’t care about where she is, she refuses to detach unless Tobin does so.

If she’s honest, she thinks it’s possible she’s hallucinating, she thinks maybe she’s in a post game slumber, the thought brings so much anxiety that she almost brings herself into a panic, she feels exhausted mentally, she wouldn’t be able to explain it but she’s felt so tired and now that she’s in Tobin’s arms, she feels like she finally has permission to sleep, _really_ sleep. 

“You’re here, right?” Christen whispers so quiet into the space between them and it comes out as a childlike murmur as her eyes remain closed but she doesn’t care, she just holds on and waits for an answer. 

“I’m here.” Tobin murmurs right back, just as soft with a small nod against her forehead, as she brings her left hand down for Christen’s right one and brings it to her heart so she can feel it beat herself. Christen sighs out at the feeling of it, she would know the exact heartbeat anywhere, fast and beautiful and gentle, all Tobin. 

“It’s for you, only you.” Tobin whispers the familiar words she once spoke to her, and she feels Tobin’s right hand come up to her face and gently brush tears away but she can’t focus enough past the words.

She’s been getting through her days, she thought she was even doing better and getting back to normal in some ways but she realizes now how much she’s able to ignore in her mind, how much she’s able to pretend to forget. 

She feels like she can’t even breathe without Tobin, she knows that isn’t something that comes and goes, this is permanent. She knows now that _this_ , this is what’s always paralyzed her with fear all these years, the fear of loving and losing the girl she’s always wanted. 

But as Tobin stands here after Christen let her in on a big part of her world, _their_ world that she didn’t know about, she realizes that she can trust her. She can trust her with this, with anything.

Tobin didn’t run away, she came home. 

She came home to her, after everything Christen put her through and after every doubt she had to swat away, she fought to be here. Tobin, her Tobin, her sweet, brave Tobin fought through hell to get to her and she’ll be damned if she gives her half truths ever again. 

“I can’t sleep without you.” Christen admits out loud, and she doesn’t even really mean to let it out but she’s imagining what it would be like to depart from each other after this. She isn’t guilting her into coming back with her, she just wants her to know. She knows the statement itself would sound like a sweet nothing to most people, but she knows Tobin understands what she’s saying.

She’s not saying she can’t physically fall asleep without her by her side, she’s saying without knowing Tobin is okay and in her life, it’s pointless. She’s as exhausted those nights and mornings as she would be if she had never closed her eyes at all. 

Tobin hums at the confession as she brings her fingers through the hair at the nape of Christen’s neck and it feels like she’s being lulled to sleep right there. 

When Tobin does eventually put more space between them, Christen reluctantly lets her and Tobin smiles at her prettily with crinkles by her eyes and Christen forgets she ever detached.

Tobin looks into her eyes so softly, she thinks she’s communicating things Christen can’t even begin to understand. 

“Here.” Tobin whispers with her hand out and Christen takes it as fast as it comes, and Tobin grins at the eagerness as she keeps the hold and she gets the journal, Christen doesn’t care, she doesn’t care at all. She’ll show Tobin everything she does to her now, she’ll tell her everything she knows to be true, she doesn’t need the journal anymore.

When they make it to the almost entirely empty parking lot, she sees the white truck she’s missed so much and she snuggles into Tobin’s side as Tobin pulls her closer and it feels surreal.

When they get closer, she notices her training bag is filled and in the back of the truck and when she’s about to ask Tobin, she hears a fond huff and she instantly knows it was Kelley who did it without Tobin’s permission. She knows exactly why, and so does Tobin.

“You have her very well trained.” Tobin mumbles and Christen laughs into her neck, because she knows Tobin is as thankful for it as she is.

Kelley put it in there when she must have seen Tobin and wanted her to drive Christen home, even if things went bad so they’d get another chance to fix it during the drive back. 

She gave Christen more time, just in case. 

Kelley loves her. 

—

Tobin does drive her home, like she always has, but this time feels different.

She thinks it’s probably because she’s spending the entire ride feeling and kissing every part of Tobin that she’s able to reach without them becoming a story in the newspaper.

Tobin spends every possible second she can with her eyes on Christen the entire ride and every stoplight seems to be going far too quick, but probably not for the people behind them.

She’s feeling every vein in Tobin’s right arm that she’s missed and she’s tracing each one and kissing I love you’s into them, just in case they didn’t hear earlier. She’s kissing each of Tobin’s knuckles over and over and every soft pad of her fingers and the back of her hand is used as a pillow for Christen’s cheek. 

She can’t believe she almost lost this. 

It’s unspoken that Tobin is staying the night, she couldn’t fathom spending it away from her now that she’s got her again. She knows there’s things to talk about, she knows Tobin has questions, she knows there’s things they have to figure out but she’s not worried, she’s not worried at all.

Not when Tobin’s pulse is like _that_ as Christen kisses her hand.

When they do get into Christen’s room quietly, Christen needs their shirts off immediately for the warmth she hasn’t had. It’s different now, now that she knows Tobin came back to her, now that she knows she loves her, she isn’t scared of asking for things anymore. She’s especially not scared of telling her things anymore, none of it seems daunting anymore, it’s laughable that she was ever scared in the first place. 

When she looks to find Tobin to ask her, she thinks the scene in front of her is a dream.

Tobin looks as exhausted as Christen feels, she’s sat at the end of Christen’s bed in her socked feet and her eyes are barely being kept open but she looks relieved.

She looks how Christen feels, like she’s home. 

Like it’s second nature, Christen is thinking about the temperature and how Tobin will sleep and when she feels how warm it is and notes what Tobin has with her, she’s already in action. As Tobin sits sleepily watching her, she slowly undresses to let Tobin know what she needs, she’s got her shirt off as she throws it somewhere she doesn’t care and just to give Tobin a job to stay up, she turns around in front of her and let’s her help with her bra before it’s pulled off. When she turns around, Tobin doesn’t look nearly as sleepy but she knows she’s just doing her best job at faking, but Christen isn’t have any of that tonight. She has one mission, to get Tobin to have a good nights sleep. 

She grins happily anyway at the effort Tobin is putting in as she bends down to give her a soft kiss. When she pulls away, she rests her head on Tobin’s and she’s just enjoying the air being breathed between them and Tobin’s hands on her naked back before she remembers what she’s meant to be doing. 

“Off?” She whispers to Tobin, hoping she gets what she means. 

The thing is, Christen has always known how attractive Tobin is, Tobin is gorgeous from her perfect jawline to her pretty smirk and she’s always been attracted to her. What she didn’t know before this year, was that Tobin Heath is perfectly adorable and cute as can be. 

Tobin is lifting her arms up adorably compliant and she’s asking for a little help with no words as she looks into Christen’s eyes sleepily and Christen is absolutely ready to take care of her.

Just like Tobin has always taken care of Christen. 

Christen is gently bringing Tobin’s hoodie up with the shirt under it so she can get it all off at once, when it’s over her head, Tobin sighs in relief as the excess heat is finally gone. Christen gets off Tobin’s bra next and as soon as it’s off, she’s happily taking in all of the tan skin she’s been missing. She gets down to her knees slowly to give Tobin’s chest three kisses right above her heart like she’s praying.

Tobin’s chest and neck have always held her scent the strongest and Christen can’t help herself from lingering as she takes it in and stays there. She realizes she doesn’t think she’s ever told Tobin how attached to her scent she’s become, she thinks Tobin probably has no idea just how good she smells and she wouldn’t believe it anyway. She inhales as long as she can before it starts to fade as she gets used to it, and it’s her least favorite part of her nose, the way it can’t smell as strongly as it did in the beginning.

Just because she can, she pulls back and kisses Tobin softly on her pretty, sleepy, smiling lips and when she pulls back from that, she rests her head on Tobin’s to let her in on a secret. 

“You smell so good.” She whispers between them and Tobin hums happily at her, and when she opens her eyes, she sees Tobin’s sleepy grin and her first instinct is to smile back, but her lip wobbles instead. She can’t believe she gets another chance to love Tobin, she can’t believe she’s in front of her, looking like _this_ at her.

She doesn’t mean it, she always thinks it, but she really doesn’t mean it when the tear escapes and she closes her eyes to stop it but she can’t, she feels so much _relief_.

She feels so much love, she feels so overwhelmed with it all. She has this fear that she’s going to wake up and this is all going to be a dream and it’s scary, it’s so scary. 

She feels Tobin’s hands on her chin and she feels Tobin’s gentle lips on her own, and she tastes nothing but her. 

“If you keep this up, I’ll have to change my body wash.” Tobin whispers to her and she laughs against Tobin’s chest when she brings her face down. When she lifts her head back up after she feels put together enough, after she matches her breathing to Tobin’s, Tobin is quick to not let her go too far as she holds her in place as they stare into each other’s eyes. 

She wasn’t going anywhere anyway. 

Tobin looks like she has to say something that she’s held in, and Christen isn’t exactly sure what it is but she knows she’ll wait, she’ll stay just like this, looking into her favorite eyes until the world ends. 

“There’s a pillow you always slept with in my bed that smelled like you, but it lost its smell.” Tobin looks so sad as she explains it and when Christen sees her jaw is clenched, she tries to soften it by stroking it with her thumbs. 

“I’ll trade you.” Christen whispers back to her to solve the problem. She knows Tobin knows what she means, she would do anything for one of Tobin’s pillows that she sleeps with every night now, she would give almost anything for it.

Tobin is beaming at her with the statement and she’s laughing as Christen watches every movement of it. The idea of them trading pillows for each others scents doesn’t make too much sense now that they have the sources back in their lives, but she figures it doesn’t matter, she still means it. 

“Yeah, okay.” Is Tobin’s unexpected quiet smiling answer and Christen beams at the idea of it. She knows she has Tobin again now, but for the nights she doesn’t, she’s going to need it. 

She thinks Tobin will give her anything she wants.

She remembers now what she has to do as she looks into Tobin’s sleepy eyes and she gives her one last chaste kiss before she finishes up. 

She kneels down to take Tobin’s socks off for her as Tobin slightly lifts one leg up at a time to be helpful and Christen kisses each ankle thank you. There’s no way Tobin is going to want to keep joggers on for the night so she silently asks and when she gets a sleepy nod of approval, she takes those too as Tobin lifts up just barely for her. When she’s rid of everything but her briefs, Christen kisses up her legs to cool her down, well that’s what she’s telling herself anyway, and when she gets to her thigh, she lays there for a minute just taking in the security she feels from being around her again like this.

She brings her arms around Tobin’s lower back and she feels like there’s no point of having a bed anymore, she can sleep right here on her knees against Tobin’s warm thigh and it feels like she’s found a new home. 

She feels so happy where she is, she almost forgets her mission to get Tobin to bed as Tobin now has her own hand in Christen’s hair stroking soothing patterns into her scalp. She thinks Tobin is basking in this moment just the same. 

They stay there like that, gently caressing each other and Christen thinks Tobin _feels_ all the things she’s saying in each touch, she thinks she feels every apology, every confession.

When she’s dangerously close to actually falling asleep, she gets up with one kiss to Tobin’s stomach and she’s got herself ready for bed before she opens her bedroom windows for more cool air. 

She’s got her blankets thrown off as soon as she can get to them, and she pulls one sheet back so they can use that instead, and Tobin is in the spot before Christen can even look at her.

She can’t help the sleepy smile that hits her own face and Tobin immediately has her arms out for her and Christen can’t wait another second if she tried. 

They’re tangled up in each other under the thin sheet and she thinks she has no idea which limbs are hers and it’s exactly how she wants it. Tobin has her forehead to hers and her eyes closed and Christen knows it’s a losing battle to try to stay up when she has Tobin’s warmth and her breathing to lull her to sleep, but she tries anyway.

She knows Tobin is still awake and enjoying the comfort of their skin finally touching and she thinks of waiting for her to say it first, thinks of maybe swallowing it down and bringing it up some other time, but she doesn’t, not anymore. 

“I missed you.” She whispers to Tobin so quiet she thinks she may not have even heard what she actually said but Tobin leans in to kiss her and she knows she did, so she keeps going when Tobin leans back. 

“Being without you.. it’s like I’m not even breathing sometimes.” She cries out for her and Tobin brings her closer and rubs her back and she thinks she’s tracing _I love you_ there, but she can’t be sure.

Christen is whispering as many apologies she can get out for everything she put them through into Tobin’s ear, her neck, anything that will hear her out. 

Tobin tightens her hold on her and whispers confirmation that she heard her over and over and that it’s okay until Christen calms down.

The thing is, it’s not okay really, she can’t believe she almost lost this, she can’t believe she almost had to live the rest of her life without her. 

“You’re stuck with me now.” Tobin declares it to the universe and Christen can hear the smile in her voice as she continues and Christen feels like her heart is going to burst.

“No take backs.” Tobin whispers and Christen can’t even fathom ever taking any of this back, not one single thing, so she answers seriously and honestly when she parrots it back to her, and Tobin kisses her silly for it.

She absorbs the information like a sponge, every last drop of it. 

There’s no other words said between them as Christen tries to feel every bit of Tobin’s skin she’s missed. She feels every inch of it with her fingertips, gentle with the utmost care. She thinks she’s traced every vein in Tobin’s body by the time the warm girl is almost asleep, but she can feel her eyelashes fluttering against her every few seconds, and she knows she’s still awake, just barely.

She makes her usual request, with the help of the warm compliant girl she loves, she’s mostly on top of Christen now and Christen is greedily splaying her hands across Tobin’s back. 

She thinks she has no chance of sleeping tonight now, she can’t imagine it, not yet at least, there’s so much time she was robbed of to do this, that she can’t go to sleep now that it’s in front of her. She’s got her thumbs caressing the peach fuzz at the very bottom of Tobin’s spine as she has her hands in the top of her waistband when she hears Tobin finally mumble the words sleepily into her neck.

“I’ll never ask for anything else.” 

She closes her eyes at the statement, really taking it in and understanding it.

She thinks it wasn’t even meant for her, like Tobin was talking to whoever she usually talks to in her time alone.

She gets it, _god_ , does she get it.

She always thinks there’s nobody that can love a human being the way she loves Tobin, but she’s starting to realize that Tobin may be the one that can.

She thought she had to explain in endless novels and poems to Tobin how much she missed her, she thought she’d have to explain it for the rest of her life for Tobin to understand the depths of it all, but she realizes now what she’s never before.

She doesn’t have to explain to Tobin how much she missed her and what it’s like without her, because she gets it. 

_Tobin gets it._

It’s her last thought before her breathing evens out for the night. 

  
—

Honey. 

For some, it’s a sweet additive for their favorite beverages or foods, maybe the first thing most people think about is the yellow cartoon bear that loves to eat jars of it, or the pretty flying creature itself that creates it. 

Not for Christen. 

For Christen, honey is the first thing she sees this morning when she wakes up.

If she’s honest, it’s the first thing she sees every morning, even without them actually being there.

For Christen, she thinks of love, and forgiveness, and she thinks of a sleep so good her bones feel new.

She thinks of _Tobin_. 

“I have to go soon.” Tobin whispers to her and it’s said like she’d rather give up any of her favorite snacks for the rest of her life to stay here, and Christen smiles at the thought.

She knows Tobin has to go and make her classes today, she thinks she probably has practice tonight and Christen is happy she doesn’t until Wednesday now and she’s elated because she has so many things she needs to say to Tobin, and for once she knows exactly how to do it. 

“Can you meet me somewhere after practice?” Christen requests softly and Tobin’s smile is so pretty, she thinks her heart might give out at the sight as Tobin moves herself to hover over her, happily trapping her underneath and between her elbows.

She thinks she’s looking up into the universe as she memorizes the sight above her. 

“Christen Press, are you asking me out?” Tobin whispers to her like it’s the next big scandal and Christen bites her laugh back and nods staring into soft happy eyes because she is absolutely doing just that.

Christen promised herself in her most hopeful moments that if Tobin ever forgave her, she would give her everything that she’s always wanted to give her but was too scared.

Tobin has taken her everywhere, she’s set up things that Christen couldn’t have even dreamt for herself, she just wants to show Tobin for the first time what she truly means to her. 

Tobin hums down at her and because Christen can’t help it, she pulls her down into a soft slow kiss and it’s hard, because they’re both smiling but they make it work.

She thinks they’ll always make things work now.

When Tobin’s final alarm goes off on her phone, Tobin brings her face into Christen’s neck defeated, and Christen laughs into her hair, because _she gets it._

“I’ll send you the location later.” Christen whispers into her ear as she places soft kisses under it and Tobin groans at the thought of getting up and Christen wants desperately to make this easier for her, but she can’t fathom loosening her hold on Tobin’s warm naked back.

She knows this is temporary bliss for them, she knows there’s things they’re going to have to talk about and talk through and she’s going to have to admit things she never thought would be known by another human being in this lifetime.

She knows they have things that are coming towards them at full speed, and she is willing to take it all head on, as long as she has Tobin. 

She’ll do anything for her.

She signals to Tobin she wants her on her back gently and Tobin complies, bringing Christen down with her and Christen is happily where she wanted to be, she has a reason for wanting to be here and it’s easy to forget her small missions when she’s with Tobin, but she has to get this out.

She waits for Tobin to be looking into her open and honest eyes and she holds them there as she traces all of the features on Tobin’s face she’s missed ever so gently with her fingers as Tobin watches her face.

“There’s answers you deserve..” she starts softly as she traces her thumb down Tobin’s right eyebrow and down to her right ear as she traces the baby smooth skin she missed so much there. “I will give you every single one you want.” She finishes as she brings her hand to Tobin’s bottom lip and traces the outline where her perfect pout would usually be in place. Tobin’s lips part to speak and before she can open them fully, Christen puts her index finger against them gently, knowing Tobin is going to ask for time.

“I know, I know you need time and you have all of it, I’m not going anywhere.” Christen informs her of the knowledge she’s always known herself, as she smiles down at her and lets her know one last thing for now, something she thinks is wildly important for Tobin to know if she doesn’t already. 

“I am entirely yours.. my love, my time, my heart, it belongs to you.” She finishes by kissing Tobin’s naked chest where her heart beats and when she brings herself back up, Tobin’s head is tilted back into the pillow and Christen knows, she knows it’s emotional for Tobin.

She also knows Tobin won’t want to dwell on the fact that she’s emotional, so Christen lets it be and she buries herself into Tobin’s neck to give her privacy without her wandering eyes.

After a few moments of silence, she kisses Tobin and knows she has to leave now, she may even be late if she isn’t quick enough, so she thinks of a lighter topic to send her off. 

“Are you hungry?” She asks with a smile and Tobin’s stomach grumbles at the question as if it was being asked itself and Christen blows out a ridiculous laugh as Tobin looks around shocked to see if everyone saw what just happened. 

“I heard it, baby.” Christen laughs softly into her neck and Tobin starts to flip them and pull back finally with a grin as Christen looks softly into her eyes.

She doesn’t exactly know what to feed her, if she’s honest but she knows she’ll cook anything she-

“I heard you have excess toaster strudel these days.” She grins down at Christen and Christen looks up at her curiously with a smile and an impressed nod at the idea, because they definitely do. 

She mentally notes that the information came from Kelley and she wonders what they talked about that night of the red card. She wonders if Tobin and Kelley ever talked after that and where they are now.

She decides maybe the information isn’t for her, maybe this one is between them. 

She’s okay with that. 

She wonders if Kelley helped bring Tobin back to her in a way.

She makes two sets of toaster strudel for their two biggest fans, and when Tobin is eating her last bite and getting ready to leave, Kelley is walking into the kitchen with a yawn and Christen expects something, maybe a little pause, maybe a second to take Tobin in and try to figure something out, but Kelley looks like she knew exactly what she was walking into. 

She thinks Kelley knew they’d end up here all along. 

And when Tobin kisses Christen goodbye before she leaves, Kelley finally speaks up as she calls out for her before she opens the door. 

“So, you’re telling me there was _nothing_ in that journal about me.” Kelley complains with a disbelieving smirk and it’s kind of mortifying that they’re talking about this out loud and she expects Tobin to feel similar and huff out at the comment, but when she looks at her,

Tobin is absolutely grinning.

They’re teasing Christen, is what she comes to realize. 

“There was one thing.. something about wishing she could trade you for me and-“ Christen lightly smacks Tobin’s arm here because that is absolutely not true and she looks over to Kelley to see if she’s questioning it or if she’s annoyed by the joke but Kelley is absolutely beaming at Tobin and she’s laughing her best laugh with her head against the cabinet and her mouth full.

She thinks this new friendship between them is going to be the death of her. 

She thinks she’ll never ask for anything else ever again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope that was everything you wanted and more. 
> 
> I hate to say it, but there is only one more chapter to this. It should have all of the unanswered questions and I hope it leaves you happy, big hugs. See you tomorrow.


	20. Honey Eyes.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Christen’s favorite color.

Christen knows exactly what she’s doing, she just wishes she had done it sooner. 

As soon as her last class is over, she’s driving to where she needs to be and she knows it’s a little risky on time, to drive the hour and a half there and the hour back where she needs to be for Tobin, who will have to drive about a half hour to her. 

But she needs to do it. 

When she parks in the familiar driveway and walks up the steps to hear the dogs she loves so much, she’s instantly calmed. When she uses her key to get in and sees him outside, right in the sun where she knew he’d be, she gently opens the door not to scare him. 

“Dad.” She gets his attention softly and the look of absolute joy on his face at the unexpected visit warms her and she watches it slowly turn into concern as he tries to figure out why she’d be here and she’s quick to put his worries to bed. 

“Everything’s okay, actually it’s perfect, I just needed a favor.. and also I had a question.” She requests a little embarrassed and he’s nodding his head right away, and she knows he’d do anything for her but it still feels nerve racking to say these things out loud. She doesn’t know exactly where to start, but she’s learned if she just lets it out, it figures itself out.

“Do you like Tobin?” She wonders sheepishly, and she’s watching him try to fight a smile and fail at it miserably and she gives him a _take this serious_ look, so he clears his throat, and he does. 

“I do like Tobin.” He informs her confidently and she lets out a breath at that, even though she kind of already knew.

That was important to her, but she came here to ask one other thing. 

“Did.. would mom?” She breathes out and she tries to bite her lip back to stop it from quivering as she gets it out, but it barely helps the tears. He’s smiling at her so fondly now with nothing but a look of understanding, and her tears flow freely now but she’s keeping herself together for this, for Tobin. 

“Your mother always liked Tobin, Cindy Heath called once when you were in middle school and they stayed on the phone laughing for hours about the two of you.” 

Christen feels almost overwhelmed at the knowledge of it as she clears her tears with the palms of her hands as she gives him a grateful nod. 

“I love her.” She says sniffling to her dad but she’s also letting the world know while it’s still listening. He hums as he reaches out for her hand and she responds immediately as he gives her a comforting squeeze. 

She figures there’s not enough time for much more, and she gets her phone out to text Tobin the location of two streets that meet thirty minutes from where Tobin is, and approximately an hour from where Christen’s dad moved. 

She has to move now so she’ll make it there before Tobin.

She asks her dad for the favor she needs as he looks at her curiously, he eventually agrees with a grin, but only after he investigates for more information as Christen blushes. 

By the end, he gets his phone out and she leaves with a prayer that it’ll all work out, and a kiss to her father's cheek for everything he’s done for her.

It’s her turn to be vulnerable tonight. 

— 

“Chris, are you sure I’m walking the right way?”

“Yes, baby, I can see you, keep walking.” 

She has Tobin on the phone, she immediately called Christen when she parked on a side street confused, and Christen assured her that she should just walk straight towards where the sun is still shining deep orange for them. 

Christen is waiting at the end of the block and Tobin hasn’t spotted her yet, probably overwhelmed with taking in her surroundings and Christen hopes she stops so it’ll be a surprise.

Actually she’s going to use words instead of hope this time.

“Eyes forward, please.” She scolds lightly as she hears Tobin huff into the phone and she gives her a full smile, even though she can’t see it yet. When Tobin eventually makes it halfway to the end of the block, she finally spots Christen and her heart constricts at the sight of a happy, soft, freshly showered Tobin. 

She aches to close the distance because Tobin isn’t doing it fast enough for her, but she stays put, shaking her legs just a little and when she sees Tobin’s grin, she knows she walked that slow intentionally.

Luckily, she’s rewarded for her patience. 

Tobin scoops her up and Christen is taking in the smell of home like it’s a drug before she’s put down and kissed thoroughly. When she pulls back with a smile, she feels a light kiss from heavenly lips on her forehead and when she opens her eyes, Tobin looks like a kid on Christmas ready to open a present and Christen feels a little buttered up, but she’ll give in. 

“Will you close your eyes, please?” She requests and as she knew she would, Tobin gives her an inpatient sigh and Christen laughs as Tobin’s eyes shut dramatically.

She’s undeniably more in love with her than she was yesterday.

She has a feeling that’ll be a reoccurring thought. 

She grabs both of Tobin’s hands, not being able to turn around just yet, wanting to take Tobin in while she’s not looking and she starts to lead her where she wants her. 

When she gets to the start of where she has to be, she kisses Tobin’s right hand in apology before she drops it, and she directs her with her left as she turns around. 

“Count to seven for me, and then open them.” Christen whispers in her ear as she leaves her there with a kiss to her jaw and moves a few feet away where she wants to be so she can see every reaction pulled out of Tobin.

Tobin counts to seven, maybe just a little faster after she hits five and it makes Christen chuckle at her little cheater. 

When Tobin does finally open them, after a moment her eyes are absolutely sparkling with happiness as she looks at a similar set up Tobin once set up for her. 

She has blankets thrown comfortably in the center of the pitch with battery candles around and some of Tobin’s favorite snacks laying on top of the pillows. It looks like a simple small act of love, she knows, but she also knows Tobin appreciates it greatly with her eye crinkles and soft eyes to match.

Christen knows it isn’t a simple or small act though, and she can’t wait for Tobin to know that too, so she helps her along. 

Christen waits for Tobin to have her full attention on her again and when she does, when Tobin is opening her mouth to speak, Christen knows it’s time. 

“Behind you.” She lets the direction out softly and with a smile so big, she’s surprised she was able to get the two words out. 

When Tobin does finally look behind her, Christen can’t even see her reaction, but tears escape her anyway at the idea of it all.

Tobin looks everywhere around them all over again when she looks back, almost as if she has to confirm it, she’s frantically looking everywhere and when she finally does seem to believe it, her hands are covering her eyes immediately. 

Christen knew it would be almost too much for Tobin, it was a risk but a necessary one, for Tobin to be flooded with every emotion she thinks she’s held in the way Christen has for so long, she knows it’s overwhelming to the point of near panic.

So she lets her be, she doesn’t start without knowing Tobin is okay, and she doesn’t comfort her physically because she knows Tobin needs the space to breathe and calm down. 

When Tobin does move her hands, she’s looking around again in shock and Christen just watches on, taking in every moment of the night so far, filling boxes for the rest of her life. 

_Their_ life, if Tobin will have her. 

Tobin breathes in air as she looks up to the sky and when she looks back down to Christen, she’s shaking her head like she still can’t believe they’re there as Christen bites her lip. 

“Hultry park.” Tobin says it like she’s exhausted and Christen _gets_ it, she gets it all, gets every reaction that’s being pulled from the girl she loves with every ounce of heart available in her body. 

“I don’t remember the exact moment I ever saw you, I just always remember you being there, always there, with me, but I do remember everything else.” She starts and even though there’s stray tears falling, she’s staying brave through this because she has to get this out for her, she thinks she needs to hear these things that Christen has kept from her. 

“I remember watching you change into your bright orange boots in that spot over there in the grass by the bench, I couldn’t bring myself to do it but I just wanted to be your friend. I was so scared of it, so scared of being too close to you that you’d see that, so I stayed back and played by myself.” 

Tobin looks almost upset with the knowledge, as Christen knew she would be. Tobin would have never wanted that, she knows that now, but it’s all a part of Christen and who she is and was, she smiles at it now. 

“I remember you always chose the blue drinks from whatever parents snack bag it was for that day, and when you couldn’t find the blue ones, you chose an extra snack instead.” Christen continues but she can physically see Tobin can’t handle much more as she hunches over with her hands on her knees and Christen knows she has to let Tobin have a break now, so she ends it where she wants tonight to go. 

“All of our firsts have been on a pitch now, and if you’re okay with it.. I’d like for the first time I tell you everything to be on this one tonight.” She finishes strong and clear for Tobin, she wants to be her life jacket through this, wants to save her from losing even one breath of air.

Tobin comes back up before she can start to question if this was all too much and she’s nodding yes with tears in her eyes and she’s blindly reaching out for Christen with grabby hands, and Christen is quick to be found. 

She’s steadying Tobin for the first time she thinks in her entire life, holding her up, keeping her together.

She can feel it in Tobin’s chest that she’s still trying to breathe normal, it’s suddenly clear to Christen that Tobin has never been pushed this far emotionally before, always running away before it happens. 

She realizes the responsibility she has now to bring Tobin down, to keep her safe. She feels her heart beat faster at the thought of being able to help Tobin, to protect her and what an honor it is to love the complex and delicate human being in her arms. 

When Tobin pulls back after as long as she needs, her hands are loosely around Christen’s waist as Christen’s are firmly moving to hold both sides of her face. She’s got Tobin in the most perfect light of the setting sun, she’s got her eyes open and soft, and real, and she’s not taking it for granted as she takes it all in.

She’s got her here in the most perfect moment she’s ever had, and she knows she could say anything that she has to get out that’s heavy, but she makes it light. 

For Tobin. 

“Also.. I had to trade embarrassing information with my dad to get him to call the owner of this place to let me do this.” Christen lets her know in a dramatic whisper, effectively making Tobin laugh into the sky. 

“So, I owe you.” Tobin whispers to her as she brings her forehead to rest on Christen’s strong one as they both smile.

She feels Tobin’s hands slowly become stronger and move up her back under her shirt and it brings a warm feeling throughout her whole body as she hums at the insinuation. 

She brings her lips to Tobin’s with a smile and when they move together, she thinks it’s one of her favorite kisses they’ve ever shared.

She thinks about what being with Tobin will feel like when everything is over, when everything they have to talk about is exhausted and familiar to pretty, soft, tan ears. 

They have all night. 

And hopefully the rest of their lives. 

—

“Did you expect him to say no?” 

“Well.. you’re a _little_ annoying so I wasn’t sure.” 

“Your dad has dealt with Kelley your whole life, I bet he’s thrilled you picked someone normal.” Tobin argues back playfully and Christen beams at her before she turns around in her arms to laugh into her neck.

She could leave it there, now that they’ve created a lighter atmosphere around them for the last hour, eating snacks and catching up on time missed the last few weeks, but she wants her to know. 

“He was.” Christen whispers seriously to her as she lays back in Tobin’s warm arms, she hears her hum into her hair and she’s so at peace in this moment that she could live in it forever. They stay there like that, enjoying the night air together until Tobin shifts behind her.

Thankfully, Tobin isn’t going too far as she makes a better area around them for laying down. She makes room and brings the comforter with her, opening her arms as she lays down. They both have their shoes off already, and she thinks she actually may just fall asleep here.

Tobin is laying on her back with her left arm out as her right one is playing with Christen’s hair as Christen lays mostly on her chest, her face in her neck, and she will never do anything to lose Tobin again. 

The world could be on fire around them and she’d lay right here, counting down the minutes she has left.

It’s scary, to have this much invested in one single person that could leave at any moment, but she finds that the risk of it all ruining her is far greater than never having Tobin like this at all. 

She trusts her. 

She trusts Tobin with her life. 

“Why did you do it?” Tobin asks softly into the air around them. Christen was almost positive that Tobin wasn’t ready for this yet, she was sure Tobin was just going to drift into a deep sleep now after the practice she had and the emotional exhaustion she dealt with already.

Christen was sure it was going to have to wait until another time, and she was fine with that, as long as Tobin knew she could ask her whenever she was ready and Christen would welcome her with open arms and honest answers, but now is that time. 

She’s ready. 

“It started with.. Ali mentioning this terrible idea that we could figure out like.. a secret hookup or something small on your team and start drama over it, I hated it, I even stopped them. Until that night I came home and.. I saw Kelley so.. she was so different. She was so stressed and I just wanted to fix it and I could have never imagined it would be this big thing.. like the way it ended up. It wasn’t ever meant to hurt _you_.. not like that.” Christen takes a deep breath before she continues and Tobin is still here, still listening, still touching her.

She’s here.

“Then.. the information we got was the rule and.. the idea came up of somebody using you.” She feels Tobin pause her movements in her hair and her body stiffen at the information, but she continues so she can get to the most important part of all of it before Tobin shuts down. 

“I hated it, I hated it so much, but I had realized that I was never going to be brave enough to tell them not to and it was never going to make sense to them, I was so weak and quiet and I’m so sorry for that.” She rushes through a sad breath and she feels Tobin do the same and she hates it, she hates that she had to say it out loud and she hates that this is part of their history now.

She wanted to rush out to start again before Tobin could shut down, needing her to know more, but Tobin asked before she could open her mouth.

“They asked you.” Tobin wrongfully states as Christen shakes her head fast. 

“No, I- I offered, after the fact, I know that sounds bad, I mean it is, I’m not trying to justify anything but..” She feels Tobin’s hand fall from her hair and she hates it, she thinks if these things aren’t said delicately, she can very well lose her tonight.

She sits up as Tobin stays down and she doesn’t touch her, she doesn’t force her into anything she doesn’t initiate, she won’t do that to her. She continues as she’s sitting down while Tobin looks up at the sky with her jaw clenched. 

“I realized that it was going to go on with or without me.. Ali already knew the rule and she was so.. stressed and- and I pictured someone making you fall in love with them and then hurting you.. that’s what I saw and I _knew_ I couldn’t let that happen to you. There was also a selfish reason in it.. I- I’ve never seen you date someone and I didn’t know if I could bear watching it happen for the first time, I know that’s horrible, I thought about it whenever I heard that you slept with someone, that maybe they were more than just.. _that_ and.. I didn’t realize why or maybe I did and I ignored it, I don’t know.” She takes a breath here as she looks to the sky herself for strength before she continues. 

“It never felt right, no person that I dated or kissed or- whatever, none of it felt right, I had never even hung out with you alone before and god, it sounds obsessive but I promise it- I never thought about it like that, just nothing felt right ever and sometimes when I thought about it with you or.. wrote about it.. it felt better.” She takes another breath here and the tears roll down at the anxiety of Tobin knowing all of this and still leaving her.

She wouldn’t be mad if she did, if Tobin couldn’t love her after this, she’d understand, but that doesn’t mean it wouldn’t hurt like hell. 

“It doesn’t make it right, in fact, maybe it even makes it worse in some ways, I’m not sure, but you need to know that even when I hid it so hard, even from myself, there was not one second that I ever spent with you that I didn’t feel it. I may have pretended I didn't but god, Tobin, I knew the second I offered myself that I was never going through with it, I just wanted you. Even if for you it was a fling, and I was stuck for the rest of my life with the knowledge, I just wanted to have a little bit of you, anything I could get, I think that’s why I did it mostly.. so I could have an excuse to finally just do something about it.. finally put myself out there for you, and it wasn’t as scary that way.” She finishes with her eyes closed and when she wipes her tears, and she controls her breathing for a second.

She finally feels Tobin get up, and she realizes it must be over, Tobin must be leaving, she’s probably losing her and it feels deserved. She just thanks whoever’s listening for the last two nights.

She feels Tobin’s hands on her face and she immediately opens her crying eyes to big wet honey ones in the candlelight. She forgets anything she ever thought, because when she looks into her favorite eyes, she sees exactly what she’s prayed for. 

Tobin is looking at her with understanding and forgiveness, and she’ll never ask for another thing ever again.

“All you had to do was give me one look, and I would have done anything to make this happen.” Tobin explains to her softly and she nods her head as the tears fall because she knows that now.

Tobin thumbs them away and it doesn’t fulfill its purpose, because the action only brings more.

“I never knew.. I just thought you didn’t like me, I wanted to be someone you liked _so_ bad, Chris.” Tobin admits the last part in a whisper and it breaks Christen’s heart as she lets Tobin continue.

“Do you remember that horribly annoying kid who threw rocks at everyone at practice, I sat with him on one of those team bus rides just so I could sit behind you.” Tobin lets her know and Christen blows out a snotty laugh at the memory, because she does remember it but she had no idea why she was sitting there, she figured they had a friendship she didn’t know about, and felt every movement Tobin made the entire ride.

“Christen, he flicked his boogers at the kids behind us for half the ride.” Tobin grumbles and Christen can’t even keep this apology in her head.

“He was so weird, I’m so sorry.” She whispers seriously to her bus seat warrior and Tobin lets out a breathy laugh. 

“Chris, look.” Tobin requests with a finger under her chin as she tilts her head up just the slightest and Christen lets her as she opens her heavy, guilty eyes. 

“I love you.” Tobin tells her through tears as she sniffles and Christen is sure these ones are happy ones and she smiles through her own as she thumbs away Tobin’s for her. 

“I love you, so much, so so much.” Christen promises with her eyes as she brings her forehead to Tobin’s, one of her favorite places to rest. She can see Tobin’s smile and she thinks it can’t possibly get better than this, after so much has been told, Tobin is still here.

Then, Tobin leans in to connect their lips and she decides yes, it can get better than it just was.

She welcomes Tobin’s lips like they’re coming home for the first time in years, and she thinks she won’t possibly get enough of the taste of Tobin’s lips and the feel of her tongue. 

She’s in Tobin’s lap and she’s not even sure how she got there, she just knows she’s there and she’s not moving anytime soon as she kisses the breath out of Tobin’s lungs. She’s got her hand so deep in Tobin’s hair, she thinks she may bring some out with her hand but Tobin doesn’t seem to care.

Tobin’s got her on her back as quick as she thinks she ever has, and she isn’t sure how far this is going to go but she knows she’s not about to pass up any chance to touch Tobin’s skin, a public soccer pitch be damned.

She knows nobody will be here until the morning anyway, and they have enough blankets to cover themselves with, and with that thought, she brings a hovering shirtless Tobin who was waiting for her approval down into a searing kiss. 

She thinks about how she hasn’t had Tobin like this in weeks and how she can’t imagine going a single day without her like this now. She feels almost like an animal with how bad she craves the girl above her as she pulls at her joggers and she thinks it’s almost comical how desperate she is, but Tobin isn’t laughing at all. 

The reality of it is, nobody has ever touched Christen the way Tobin has, nobody has ever brought Christen to the places Tobin has, and nobody, not one single person, has ever been loved by Christen the way Tobin has.

When Tobin is getting rid of Christen’s pants, that’s when she realizes fully what they’re about to do for the first time. They haven’t slept together since their confessions of love out loud, she hasn’t touched Tobin since she admitted how absolutely gone she is for her, and she can’t wait to do so.

Tobin is a lover, she knows that, she feels that in every kiss and touch she’s ever given her, she doesn’t even have to ask Tobin if she’s like this with other people, because she knows the answer is no. 

She knows now, she _knows_. 

Tonight, she wants to praise every inch of Tobin’s skin, she wants to thank every freckle, every mark, for being on Tobin’s body, she wants to bite I love you’s into Tobin’s thighs where nobody can see it besides her. She wants to make love to Tobin for hours, she wants her exhausted and spent from her love, she has a mission tonight. 

And she takes every mission for Tobin seriously. 

—

  
“At a children’s park..”

“Tobin, I swear to-“ 

“I’m not complaining.” Tobin puts her hands up in surrender and shakes her head quickly as Christen grumbles. Tobin is laughing into her ear as she holds her and she’s giving her reassuring kisses everywhere she can reach on her face.

She’s sitting completely in Tobin’s lap with her legs around her back and her arms tightly around her neck, warm as can be. 

Christen had what she would say was the best sex of her life, but then again, that’s every time she’s ever been with Tobin. Tobin takes care of her in ways she didn’t even know existed, she takes her to places she couldn’t have ever dreamt of and she feels every bit of love in every movement. It’s even more special tonight to her because she was able to kiss _love you’s_ into every inch of Tobin’s skin.

She did things to Tobin tonight she wouldn’t even be able to play back without blushing. 

The love they made tonight will be imprinted in her memory for the rest of her days, every breath between them, every look they shared, every time their chests moved together with the need for more air. 

Unfortunately, part of the memory will always have the filthy things Christen was begging and pleading for in the heat of the moment at her highest peak. She didn’t even realize half the things she was saying, just letting whatever she felt out, she didn’t quite realize she was letting her deepest desires for Tobin out with it. 

“It’s just funny.. you know.. that you-“

“Tobin!” Christen practically screeched out as a giggling Tobin tightened her hold on her even more and Christen sighed happily into it and maybe a little embarrassed still from the things that left her mouth.

Tobin eventually peels a reluctant Christen off as much as she can so she can smile into a sweet kiss as Christen’s lips are in a firm pout.

When she pulls back from her, she has her right hand holding her face there so she can see her and she’s looking at Christen like she’s her entire world.

Christen figures, yeah, she can forgive her for the teasing. 

“An absolute angel you are, look at you.” Tobin praises in a whisper to her as her eyes travel everywhere across Christen’s face and Christen almost chokes on her own saliva at the intimacy of it and the extra attention.

Tobin must feel like she’s finally finished with her own little mission as she hums happily and brings Christen in for another kiss. 

She’s got her forehead on Christen’s as soon as they part and Christen feels undeniably adored as Tobin holds her in place with nothing but a blanket around their bodies. 

“It’s unfortunate for everyone else isn’t it?” Tobin asks and when Christen opens her questioning eyes, she sees her soft closed eyed smile and she hums instead, not wanting to disturb her. Tobin opens her eyes and they’re soft and perfectly honey lit with the yellow lights around them. 

“That they never had a chance.” 

Christen isn’t sure if she means nobody ever had a chance with Tobin herself, or if she means with Christen, or if she means with either of them. She could be talking about people in general never having a chance at having a connection like this, never finding love the way they have, nobody ever being able to have exactly _this_.

She could be talking about an endless amount of things to Christen, because all of those things are true, she thinks, so she doesn’t ask for Tobin to specify. 

She agrees, because the statement holds true for anything to do with them. 

She gives Tobin a grin and she bites it back as she nods happily and sleepily with all her energy she has left. 

“Not one single person.” Christen parrots back to her and Tobin smiles as she brings them closer together and brings herself into Christen’s neck.

They stay like that long enough for Christen to feel like she’s going to fall asleep, and yet it doesn’t feel long enough at all. 

When she puts enough space between them, she has Tobin’s face in her hands, helping to hold it up instead of her own head now in apology for moving her pillow.

Tobin looks as sleepy as she feels, but she’s still awake, probably refusing to fall asleep on a perfect night like this, Christen gets it. She brings her lips to Tobin’s gently, because she can, and the they exchange sleepy smiling kisses until the taste of Tobin becomes second to her own. 

Eventually, Tobin brings them down and they’re tangled up as soon as possible under blankets and soft lights. It’s a dream, the whole thing, the whole night, being with Tobin. 

It’s always a dream. 

She never thought she’d be here. 

Lying wrapped up with Tobin’s naked body, seeking as much warmth as she can from the night chill, so close, she feels every exhale of breath on her lips. They’re tangled up on their sides everywhere, Christen’s hands on Tobin’s almost hot to the touch back, grounding her, keeping her safe, with their faces so close communicating things they don’t need to say with their eyes as they bore into each other’s.

She’s on her ninth attempt to memorize every part of Tobin’s face with her right thumb when Tobin speaks up.

“I’m sorry for not telling you about the rule.” Tobin breathes out sadly, and Christen knows that, she knows exactly what happened, she knows the rule became almost non existent when it came to her, just like the plans she made herself were nothing to her. She listens happily anyway, knowing Tobin has things she needs to get out. 

“It sounds like an excuse.. I know, but I- I just never thought about it like that. It was only a factor when I was too scared, that day you asked me to hangout and I just stood there.. I was so nervous, the rule didn’t actually matter but it’s like my mind used it in my head as a clutch, I was so scared.” She brings Christen’s hand to her mouth to kiss it and keep it close as Christen watches and listens. 

“What we have its.. it’s overwhelming, I think. It’s like bigger than us or something and I’m just scared I only have one shot, I’m so scared I’m going to blow it. I think that’s why I’ve always just.. waited, you know?” 

“Almost like I knew we’d be here or something but I wanted to wait until I knew I could handle it, until I was brave enough for you.” She takes a moment to gather herself here and breathe and Christen patiently watches on, tracing down Tobin’s neck with her fingers.

“Sometimes I am, sometimes I feel like I can walk through fire for you and get through any storm, and then sometimes I’m so scared of it all I can’t breathe. They say not to do this, right? You’re not supposed to do this, to need someone so much you feel empty without them, I don’t know if I’d survive it, losing you.. I don’t know.” 

“I was going to tell you about the rule and how it never mattered, the night at the lake, I was going to tell you and then you kissed me and I needed you right then and there but.. I said I’d do it after, in my head.” 

“Then you said you missed me and you said it so sadly that I felt like maybe I wasn’t there enough already and I always get in my head about this part, the being enough part.” It’s said so sadly that Christen bites her lip and inches closer.

“I struggle with letting things out and putting words together to explain stuff and you deserve someone who can write novels about you.. like articulately. I think about my past and how you deserve someone who wouldn’t have ever gotten that text you saw, I just want to be good for you. Look at you, you’re like..” she trails off and Christen wants desperately to interrupt her to tell her how perfect she is for her, but she doesn’t, not yet.

“You.” Tobin settles on and she looks embarrassed by it all as she closes her eyes and Christen thinks she may even be swallowing tears down. 

“You have no idea, do you?” Christen whispers out to her as she brings her thumbs to Tobin’s eyelid softly to let her know she can open them. When she eventually does, Christen beams at her to let her know she’s thankful she did. 

“You’re the only one.” She lets Tobin know like it’s in between the most obvious thing in the world and an unspoken secret. Tobin searches her face almost as if she’s looking for a lie, but she won’t find it, she won’t find it here, not on Christen.

She figures she has the rest of her life to let her know, but that’s not going to stop her from spending all night telling her now. 

“Before you, I only appreciated the days that had clear skies, I never cared as deeply for the rain, or for the night, the moon, any of it. Now I appreciate all of it the same, because no matter what the world is up to, when I open my eyes I don’t need to see the sun if I know I have you.” She says it and to anybody else, she thinks it would be almost meaningless or sound like a hallmark card, but for Tobin, she knows she understands. 

She always understands.

But just in case, she’ll say it anyway.

“You’re everything.” She conveys every bit of love and emotion she’s ever had in her body for the two words for the person she loves most, and she prays she feels it. When Tobin brings her forehead to hers as her eyes close again, she knows she does.

She thinks she put so much into it, it overwhelmed Tobin, and she never wants to do that, but she doesn’t mind right now, not if it’s with love. 

When she feels Tobin’s lips on hers, and she feels her body weight on her own, she suddenly forgets she was ever sleepy at all. 

  
  
—

  
  
“I always liked Kelley.” Tobin confessses to the sky. They are exhausted and spent out of love, just the way Christen wanted it. 

Tobin had more questions and Christen answered every single one, it’s turned into both of them taking turns confessing things they’ve never told each other and now she’s burrowed into Tobin’s arms on both of their backs, as she plays with Tobin’s fingers above them. She turns her head in confusion at the statement, because that’s entirely unexpected. 

“I always thought she was funny and we liked the same things, but as we got older, you got even closer to her and I think.. I think I was jealous maybe. Eventually I thought you were dating and keeping it hush and.. I think that’s why I kissed her ex at a party. I know she hates me for that.” Tobin sighs at the end, and the sound makes Christen want to go back a decade to stop this all from happening.

She realizes Tobin said kissed and the rumor that got to Kelley was far more than that, but she figures that’s a theme of Tobin’s life, _rumors_. She mentally notes to ask Tobin more about it later as she handles what’s more important to let Tobin know for now.

She’s looking at Tobin and smiling at what she’s about to say, just because she can’t help the happiness she feels at the truth of it all.

“She likes you now, she didn’t even care that you ate her toaster strudel this morning.” She informs her, still smiling as Tobin hums happily with the knowledge.

Christen brings Tobin’s left hand to her mouth and kisses it three times, they have another few minutes of silence, just enjoying each other’s warm naked skin under two big blankets, and it’s the most comfortable Christen has ever been.

She’s drifting in and out of sleep when she hears Tobin call out for her gently, she thinks if it were anybody else, she wouldn’t have even heard it.

She hums into her neck to let her know she heard her, that she’ll always hear her.

“I would have found you, if we ended up in different places and we never talked. I would have found you, anywhere you ended up.” Tobin let’s her know.

Christen may be exhausted and on the brink of sleep, but she hears and absorbs the information like she just ran a hundred miles to hear it in a thunderstorm, awake as ever.

She could say she would do the same for Tobin, because she knows she’d find Tobin anywhere she went too, but she opts for letting her know something else. 

“I know you would.” She murmurs into the skin of her neck. 

Christen thinks the future doesn’t sound so scary anymore.

Christen falls asleep that night giving the warm skin above Tobin’s heart three wet kisses. 

Just in case she forgot.

—

  
  
Exhausted is an understatement as Christen collapses onto the pitch in a puddle of tired post practice limbs. After driving back exhausted this morning before saying her goodbyes to an equally sleepy Tobin, she knew it was going to be tough to make it through classes, and almost impossible for practice.

She told herself every time she wanted to complain today, she was going to remember how she spent her night and just how worth her exhaustion it all was. 

If anything, she’s happy that Tobin is in her own bed taking a well deserved nap by now and Christen feels at peace with the knowledge of it. She thinks if she had to do three more practices in a row for Tobin to be able to sleep another hour, she would do it until Tobin was well rested, happily stretching her limbs.

“Hey.”

Christen opens her eyes and sits up at the voice she doesn’t hear directed at her all that often. Christen has offered tons of olive branches for Ashlyn and she thinks they’re in a decent place now, not nearly back to where they were but all the animosity is gone. 

She understands more now that she’s out of her anger. 

She gives her a genuine smile and pats the grass next to her and Ashlyn seems happy at the request as she sits facing Christen. She looks like she’s finally ready to talk and Christen is happy for it, she knows Ashlyn isn’t avoiding her because she’s mad or upset, she knows it’s because she still has some guilt that isn’t necessary at all but it won’t stop her from feeling it.

Christen is more than excited to make those things go away for her if she can. She knows Ashlyn is going to have a lot to get out so she waits patiently as she speaks between pauses. 

“I’m sorry. It shouldn’t have happened like that, I should have come to you first, I just.. dude, that guilt was killing me, the fact that I was part of the reason and stuff. I wish I could go back, I wish I could do better with it, I just want you to know that I didn’t mean for it to happen, I just wanted to get you guys out of it and I didn’t know how.” She finishes as she takes a shaky nervous breath out and Christen softly smiles at her in support until she’s completely done, ready to bring relief. 

“You just wanted everyone to be okay, on both sides, don’t you apologize for that. You have a kind heart, and I don’t hold it against you, I never will. You’re my favorite keeper.” Christen whispers the last part scandalously, effectively making Ashlyn laugh and she crawls over to bring her into a hug. 

“I want in!” She hears the squealing into her ear so deep it’s in her brain as Ali crushes the both of them bringing them down into the grass and Christen is laughing happily as she hears Ashlyn and her fake grumbles of protest.

Yeah, it's going to be a good year. 

When everyone’s gone and she’s spending the last few minutes soaking up the sun before she leaves, she feels a soft pat on her stomach and she smiles with her eyes closed, knowing exactly who it is. 

“Okay time to go, Buddha.” Kelley teases and Christen sighs as she gets up with her friends help, if she’s honest she’s not all that sad about being bothered, she’s excited to see what the night has in store for her, especially if Tobin is involved, even if it’s just a phone call or a few texts.

When they’re walking up the small hill with their bags, they hear tires and immediately Christen knows the sounds of that engine. 

Christen is so excited she thinks her heart is going to jump out of her chest at the white truck pulling into a spot facing the other trees and when Tobin gets out, Christen thinks she may pass out from the knowledge that she’s able to love this human. 

Tobin is grinning and walking briskly towards Christen as Christen almost loses her breath at the fact that Tobin still wants to walk to her.

After everything they’ve been through, after all the things Christen did wrong, Tobin is still looking like that at _her_.

When Tobin makes it to her, she uncharacteristically doesn’t care about anybody that’s around, she lifts her up gently and kisses all over her face as Christen beams at her in her arms before she’s put down.

To her surprise, Tobin’s first words are to Kelley when she looks at her as Kelley has opted to continue to walk a few steps ahead of them with a fond scoff before Tobin calls out for her. 

“I brought you something.. about 5’6, grumpy without you, sitting in my front seat trying to figure out what to say, I will pay you to get it out of my truck.” Tobin smirks her way through it and Kelley looks back at her like she’s trying to figure out how to feel, but in the end, she huffs with a small smile she tries to hide from Tobin, but Christen sees it. She rolls her eyes and walks towards Tobin’s truck as Christen and Tobin watch on. 

She had asked Tobin to make sure, but really in her heart she already knew. Alex was gone for Kelley in a way Tobin has never seen her before, and she knew more than even Christen did.

Tobin had told her that Alex was just trying to fight back any way she could, just like she knows Christen did for Kelley when this whole thing started, when you see your best friend in a bad place, sometimes you make terrible decisions. 

Thankfully, the truth will always be brighter than any dark mistake ever will. 

When she sees Kelley open the passenger door with a sigh, she sees her lean into the truck and they can’t see her besides her legs now, but she knows she’s holding Alex and Christen lets out a relieved breath as she leans her head onto Tobin’s shoulder who’s watching it with a similar sigh. 

She loves Kelley and maybe Kelley doesn’t even know it yet, but Kelley loves Alex, in a way Christen has never seen, not even with her. It’s different, not necessarily deeper, but different. 

She always thought this day would be scarier, fear overcoming her body with the possibility of Kelley leaving her behind or something, 

But it’s not scary at all, the thought is laughable.

“Kelley won’t get handsy in my truck will she?” Tobin asks with concerned eyebrows and Christen blows out a laugh into her neck as she wraps Tobin up at her waist. 

“We’ll get them back if she does.” Christen lets her know as the brave troop she is for Tobin, she’ll fight any war for her, no matter how big or small. Tobin teasingly hums at that as she takes Christen’s hands in her own and walks her back towards the pitch where the sun is still sparkling. 

She’s exactly where they’ll always end up, she hopes throughout the rest of their lives, the center of an empty pitch.

She figures, if they started there, they owe it to the perfect type of land to say thank you every once in a while together too. She’s happily laying side to side next to Tobin with their hands intertwined, she thinks she could get used to this becoming a normal thing too. 

She thinks of all the new knowledge between them, she thinks of how long it’s taken them to get here and how she wouldn’t change anything out of fear for them not being exactly what they are today.

She would relive all of it, every bad moment, every sting of pain, every day she yearned for Tobin and never told her, she’d do it all again if it meant she could be here. 

She thinks of their story, two souls who craved each other and were so scared of doing it wrong that they stayed away and watched from afar, she thinks of how everything in their lives has become intertwined through their love somehow, from family to friends and soccer.

It’s not perfect, there’s mistakes and there’s work to be done and there’s things she’s sure that will come their way again, but it’s _theirs_. 

Tobin is the love she dreamt of growing up, she’s the fire that ignites in her belly and the passion that she never knew was real. 

Tobin is a blessing that she never thought she’d have, she’s a desire that will never go away and Christen doesn’t care, she’s not scared of it, not anymore. 

She took Christen’s life that was spent under the sun and she brought her into the dark and showed her the moon can light up the sky all the same. She’s taken out of her thoughts when she feels a drop on her forehead. 

She feels two more. 

She looks over to Tobin and Tobin is absolutely beaming at the sky in wonder as she sits up.

She stands up fully and puts her hand out for Christen to grab and Christen is absolutely in awe of it, she’s never seen one before, although she’s known they exist.

She’s looking around them at the bright daylight around them and she can smell the humid rain coming and when she looks at a smiling Tobin, she confirms it with the biggest smile and brightest eyes she’s ever seen from her.

“It’s a sun shower, Chris.” Tobin shakes her head in awe as her smile never fades.

It starts pouring like she’s never seen it before and the sun is as bright as she’s ever seen it and it’s almost like she’s imagining the whole thing but she’s absolutely soaked to the bone when she looks down at her body and Tobin is pulling her along out of her thoughts. 

She knows these don’t last long, she’s read about how quick they can be, so she puts her thoughts aside and takes it all in.

When she sees Tobin slowly running around in kid like circles with her arms out, Christen is laughing happily at the scene and mimicking her movements in her own space.

When she looks up the hill, Kelley and Alex are practically dancing in it above them and she’s never felt this much peace before. 

Tobin takes her by surprise and picks her up and spins her in it as they can barely hear each other’s laughter over the bright downpour the world has turned into around them.

When it starts to slow down and the drops are just barely there anymore, she kisses Tobin silly and Tobin smiles into it until they can’t kiss anymore. 

“I had no idea love like this existed.” Tobin whispers to her and Christen smiles at the confession because she feels the same way.

“I think maybe it didn’t before this, I think we’re the only ones, there’s nothing like this in the world, it’s not possible.” Tobin continues shaking her head like she’s trying to show her something she’s never seen, but Christen has always known this.

There’s a sparkle in Tobin’s eyes that seems just a little more magical than usual, and Christen basks in the view.

When Tobin has her hands holding Christen’s face as they’re both soaking wet and smiling, she brings her forehead down to Christen’s and stays there as they breathe each other's laughs in.

The drops have completely stopped and she can’t help but feel a little sad that it’s over, but she knows she’ll see one again, one day.   
  
Tobin is happily giggling at something, looking at the world around them as it quiets and when she looks back to Christen, she takes her breath away.

“Every storm runs out of rain, just like every dark night turns into day.” Tobin breathes into the space between them and Christen thinks she’s losing her mind.

She pulls back in confusion and her heart skips a beat, she feels her throat immediately close at the quote and the lips it came from.

Every bit of breath is gone from her lungs. 

She has no idea how Tobin could possibly have used that _exact_ quote and said it to _her_. She’s got tears in her eyes and she’s about to uncontrollably sob but she has to keep it together to ask first, she has to know where her mom heard it from, it must have been a show or a book or a movie that Tobin watched and she has to know so she can read or watch it for her mom.

“Where did you hear that?”

“I went to church with my parents when I visited, it was in a little paper in the cubby in front of me, like it was meant to find me.” Tobin laughs at that like it’s obvious and Christen thinks her heart is going to give out on the information, because she _knows_ the church, she _knows_ the paper, and Tobin has no idea. 

“I think it’s what brought me back to you, it kept replaying in my head, I kept saying it would pass and then I found your journal and it was like the rain was never all that bad in the first place.” She whispers to Christen and Christen doesn’t sob, she doesn’t question the odds of it all, of that church and the time and the specific quote, and she doesn’t tell Tobin yet, she’ll tell her soon, but she’ll let her mom have this for a little longer. 

Tobin has no idea, she has no idea the power of the things she is saying right now, Christen isn’t even sure if she’s going to believe it when she tells her, she’s not even sure if she believes it herself.

It makes sense to her in its own way, that her mother, father and Kelley all had a part in bringing Tobin back to her. 

It only makes sense, she thinks.

She looks into the honey eyes that she loves and that love her back that are sparkling perfectly in the sun and she closes her eyes as she remembers the exact color. 

They’re the last thing she sees before she tilts her head up into the sunlight that she knows she’ll always have, even when it’s not there.

She communicates one thing to one of the sources of light in the world that makes her favorite eyes that color.   
  


_  
  
Thank you. _

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading this, the kudos, every single comment, even if you just appreciated this from afar, thanks for taking the journey with me through quarantine. 
> 
> I’ve never written anything before and I was so scared to post this, but I’m so happy I did.
> 
> I wrote a bit about their future [here.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/26194381)


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